Welcome to Brandi's Rainbow Residency

Memories of Brandi

We love you forever and a day. XOXO When you left, I left... They say memories are golden well maybe that is true. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same. But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again. ~Author unknown I can't believe it's going to be 3 months soon that I haven't seen you, felt you or kissed you. I miss you so much, it physically hurts me. You were such a huge part of me that no one could ever understand. For almost 12 years, it was always "Baby and Mommy" - through thick and thin and many life changes. Now I don't have you to come home to at night or wake up to in the morning. Nothing is the same, and nothing ever will be again. Instead of things feeling better for me, I feel worse. Because, the more time that passes, the more I miss you and the longer it's been since I felt you, saw you or smelled you. Daddy picks me up at night, and all I do is look for your furry big head looking for me out the window. But, it never appears... During the night, we listen for you to get up and drink your water and then come into the bedroom. But, we never hear anything. In the morning, you used to take your daily ride with Daddy to the park (and then with Mommy at the end). But, each morning comes and goes, and it's just as empty as the one before. Nothing... I long to turn back time and make things better - make you better. But, I know it was never truly in my hands. That's what makes it more hurtful - that there was truly nothing we could have done to save the one that saved both of us. We miss you so much. Words can never express just how much... November 21, 2007 So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. As usual, I will make some food to bring to Grandma's house. But, the difference is that you won't be laying by my feet in the kitchen waiting for some food to fall. I know I said it before, but it just doesn't seem real that you aren't here with us. I long for you every day and night. I want to kiss you good morning, feed your carrots to you, make burgers (your favorite) for you, tuck you in for your naps and tuck you in and kiss you at night. Then, as soon as I tuck you in and get into bed, you would get up, shake and nest for about two minutes straight. So, I would get up and tuck you in all over again. I really miss that. And, I miss hearing you snore and have puppy mares. No one knows how much I miss you. I think about you all day and everyday. I wish I could just wake up one morning and have this all be a nightmare and have you lick my face so I can take you to the park. I love you, Peanut. Tomorrow, on Thanksgiving, what I will most thankful for is for having you in my life to take care of me and to love me. I only wish it could have been longer... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO December 13, 2007 Peanut, it is snowing today. They expect a Noreaster by the weekend. As much as the cold bothered your aching joints in the past few years, you still loved to step out into the snow and take walks with your Mama in the park. The park was so quiet on days like this. I would bundle you up in your fleece sweater and then your overcoat (Grandpa called it your army jacket). Then, off, we would go! Anyone we would run into would say how cute you looked in your coat - a Pitbull in a red coat! I still have your coats (and always will). Your precious hairs are all over both of them. That is the only physical reminder I have of you, and that breaks my heart. It was 4 months the other day - 4 months since you left me. I think about you all the time, wonder if you forgive me for letting you down, wonder if you are warm enough, have enough pillows, are being kissed enough and have your favorite jazz station on. I would do anything to see you and touch you again. You were my heart and soul, and I have been empty without you. No one can truly understand how I feel. So, I keep my feelings to myself and only tell Daddy. He misses you something awful. He is used to spending the winters with you. It was always Baby and Daddy - either going for the ride of all rides or napping in the afternoons together. Now, the house is empty. What a void and loss your leaving has left. We miss you so much, Peanut - so much... January 1, 2008 I can't even say anything right now. I miss you so much, it hurts more than any words can ever say. I am heartbroken and lost without you... February 8, 2008 In 3 days, it will be six months since I saw your beautiful face and loving eyes. I can't believe it. How has a half a year gone by already? How have I survived this long with you? You were my heart and soul - ARE my heart and soul. I just go through the motions, hoping I will wake up from this awful nightmare. I know you aren't in pain anymore, and I know I stopped your suffering. But, I miss you so much, it physically hurts me. All I have to do is think of you and tears come to my eyes. I still sleep with your blanket, sheet and 2 favorite toys. I will always do that. I still look in the sky every night and beg you to come back to me. I will always do that too. Brandi, you were everything to me - more than anyone will ever understand. No one knew the special bond we had. It was Mommy and Baby forever. Daddy misses you very much too. He is different though. He is comforted by the fact that you aren't hurting anymore. I can't feel that way. While I am glad you aren't suffering anymore, the only way I would feel true comfort is if you would come back to me and let me take care of you. Let me show you that I could do it. I want a "do-over". Please make this all be a nightmare, Peanut. Please come back to your Momma. Mommy loves you and misses you - forever and a day. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO February 11, 2008 Puppa, today is six months since I saw your beautiful face and loving eyes. You were with me for 12 years, and the thought of spending six months without you doesn't even seem real. We miss you more than any words can ever say... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO February 14, 2008 - Valentine's Day Peanut, today is the first Valentine's Day without you in our lives. This holiday is very important because it represents all you were and are to us - unconditional, unwavering, ever-present and always abiding LOVE. Through thick and thin and many life changes and challenges, your love was always steadfast and strong - no matter what. Even at the very end, you found the strength to kiss Momma on her eyes and give Daddy a kiss on his cheek. Even at that last moment when you could barely keep your head up, you showed us one final act of your love and devotion. You will always be The Love of Our Lives, and we will love you forever and a day... We miss you so much, Bran... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO March 11, 2008 - Seven Months Babygirl, this morning marked 7 months since you left my life. Seven months since I've seen those big, beautiful brown eyes and touched your soft and comforting fur. It's been 7 months since I smelled you, rubbed your belly and kissed you endlessly. It's been seven months since you kissed your Momma's eyes and comforted her. How can time go by so quickly? How can it be that for almost 12 years you were the biggest part of my life, and now you are compltely gone from it? I still talk about you every day and every night. I still miss you just as much every day - if not more. And, I still light your candle every night and pray on your star, asking you to come back to me and give me another chance to do right by you. I hope you know how much me and Deohmy love you and how much we tried to protect you and save you. Throughout your life, I always saved you from everything bad and hurtful to you; I was always able to. This time, I wasn't, and that very fact will haunt me for the rest of my life. The love I feel for you goes beyond any thoughts I can write here or any words I can express to another. You were my heart and soul, and only the heart and soul can understand. Each night when I go to sleep, I pray my hardest that it will all just be an awful nightmare and that I will wake up and see your beautiful face and see your whole body wag with happiness and love. You loved life so much, and the very thing you loved more than anything was taken from you. I know everyone says otherwise, but I feel it was my fault. I look back and wonder what I should have and could have done different. How could I have saved by Babygirl. That question is forever etched in my mind, and I wish I had an answer and could turn back time. Know that Meohmy and Deohmy love you forever and a furry day (like we always told you). You may not be here with me in your glorious furry suit, but you live within my heart, my soul and my entire being. I love you forever, Puppa... Momma loves you, Momma loves you, Mommy loves you... XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX April 7, 2008 Babynut, Friday is going to be 8 months since you left. I can't believe that after spending 12 years with you, that I have been able to spend one minute without you, let alone eight months! I think of you every single day, many times a day and night. I cry for you and wish you would come back to us so that we can have a "do-over". No matter what anyone says, I still feel that I let you down at your weakest time. Not only did I not save you like I had done in the past, I lost my patience with you several times from the time you were diagnosed. There is nothing I can do but tell you how sorry I am and how I regret those times every second of every day. Daddy tell me I did nothing wrong, but I feel I did. You were and are my heart and soul and I should have been more patient. I know I was tired and worried, but you never got weak with me - even as sick as you were. I hope you know that if it was in my power, you would have lived forever. I tried to save you - we tried to save you, but we couldn't this time. I hope you know that and I hope you know how much you are loved, cherished missed and longed for. Ruby can never replace you, but I feel you sent her to me so I could save her from the Shelter and the horrible life she had been living. Daddy calls her your baby sister; I call her the freak. I know she is a good girl and that you had a paw in bringing us together. But, the only one I want is you... We love you forever and a day, Peanut - forever and a day - no matter what... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO July 18, 2008 Peanut, I haven't written in a while, but I have been here constantly. Sometimes it hurts too much to write to you and not get a "response". How many times do I say "I can't believe you are gone" or "I can't believe it's going to be this long"? It still seems unreal and hurts just as much as it did the day I had to say goodbye to you. I'm not even sure how I've managed without you, as you were always there for me -- through thick and thin -- no matter what. It was always Baby and Momma. When Daddy came along, you stole his heart, but you still licked my tears away, warmed my heart and made everything better and bearable. You were the only form of unconditional love in my life. Nothing is the same anymore. There is a huge, unfillable void. Even though we rescued Ruby, it is not even remotely comparable to what we had or what I felt with you. So often, I sadly admit that I look at her and wish she would morph into you. I compare the two of you constantly. I know it's not fair to Ruby, but I can't help it. You were and are my heart and soul, and no other can ever change that. We shared experiences and love that can't be erased or ever replaced. Every walk or ride is a chore with Ruby. With you, it was the adventure of a lifetime -- even if we were just riding down the block or walking to the store! You loved so much to be part of everything and to take rides and walks for hours. You were Daddy's constant driving companion. Somehow you managed to go to several parks in one day, and you always got a treat out of Daddy if he stopped at a store or someone's house. It could have been meatballs, a burger or even Carvel! When he would bring you to Grandma's house, you would always "demand" food from her with your insistent bark. Ironically, that is the only time you would ever bark! You would bark your beautiful head off until Grandma gave you a meatball, a piece of meat, a carrot or even just let you lick the plate. I could go on, but now I'm starting to cry again... Soon it will be on year without you, and it breaks my heart to even write those words. Not having you in my life has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I just miss every single thing about you, and I wish you could come back and we could have a "do over". I would make up for anything I might have done wrong. Bran, I miss you so much -- more than anyone could ever understand... XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX August 11, 2008 Today is a year. A year without the love of my life - my heart and soul. I don't know how I've managed this long without you. It seems like it was only yesterday that I had to make that fateful decision - one that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have re-lived every single moment from our last day and night til our last minutes and seconds together. It still does not seem real. But, the emptiness and void that I feel is more than real. It's debilitating. This has been the absolute worst year of my life. I can't even write down in words how much I miss you, Peanut. My heart breaks into pieces every single morning when I wake up and you are not there. I know you would be so upset to see my cry and to see how sad I am. I know you would nervous lick and climb all over me to show me you were there for me. Then, you would lick my tears and show me your unconditional and unwavering love once again. Bran, I try to live as you would want me to, but I just can't. I just can't... I have taken to keeping things to myself, because it seems that people don't want to "hear it" anymore. So, I find myself grieving alone, holding my feelings and sorrow inside until I almost bust. On this one-year anniversary, I hope and pray once more that you are okay, that you don't hate me as much as I think you do and that you are running a pain-free and happy puppy once more. I am so sorry I had to let you go, Babynut. I didn't want you to suffer anymore, and I couldn't bear the thought of putting you through pointless surgeries and procedures that would only hurt you more. I love you yesterday, today and tomorrow - forever and a day XOXO. Momma loves you, Momma loves you, Momma loves you... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX August 21, 2008 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABYGIRL!! Bran, today is your 13th Birthday. With all my heart, I wish we could have spent it with you like we always did. We would have your favorite Birthday BBQ, complete with hamburgers and a Carvel cake just for you! Daddy said we are going to have the BBQ in your memory. I hope that you are having a fun-filled day with your old and new friends and that you free of any pain, fear or sadness. I hope you are doing all the things you weren't able to do anymore when you got sick - running like the wind, running into the ocean, chasing your ball for hours and digging in the sand at the beach. I can still see you digging a big hole and barking into it as you got further down. My baby... Mama and Daddy love you forever and a day - no matter what... XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

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