But oh how I miss you. The house is so empty and quiet without your snorts and snores and barkys. But knowing you are no longer struggling with all of your illnesses and pain, and most importantly that you can now BREATHE, is what I try to focus on. I so so wish there was more that could have been done to save you. I would have done ANYTHING. But you weren't a candidate for surgery and those lapses in breathing and your screaming out and fighting for air, broke me. I couldn't watch you suffer. But, my sweet baby girl, I can't bear to have you gone. The what if's are heart wrenching and drive me over the edge most days. My heart actually hurts. I miss you so.

My sweet crazy girl. You drove me crazy most of the time. Such a guard dog in a little round pug body. Little dog syndrome you had for sure. You protected me and made sure no one was going to bug your mama. Not on your watch. Even as you slowed down through the years and got sicker and sicker the past few months, you still tried to bark at anyone who came by our house or on a walk. I love you for that. I hope you always know how much I love you. You were my life...my comfort...my heart.

Run like the wind with Sis my love. You are safe in the arms of Jesus now and I will see you soon.

1/7/19

My Koda boop a loop.. it has been one month you have been gone and sometimes I don't think I will be able to go on one more minute without you. I am at work and the tears are coming down as I try to write to you. This weekend I was a mess. I want to pet you and hold you and have you at my feet every second and have you doing your upside down Koda sleeps and snoring and being annoying and loud and just all that you are. I miss it all. And you. So much it hurts. Physically hurts. I have never been without you for more than 4 days in 12 years. 4 days. Ever. This is so dang hard to have you gone and when my mind stops to realize that you are NEVER coming back, I can't function. I can't fathom it. It's like a dream I can't escape. It does NOT feel real. I want you back right now...so bad.

I keep going over and over it all and obsessing on all the things I could have tried to keep you here with me. I swore that after the mistakes I made with Sissy that I would NEVER do that with you and I feel like I did anyways and I hate myself. Were you suffering? I just don't know now. I thought you were and I loved you too much to let that happen. But now I"m second guessing. ALL THE TIME. Yes, the breathing episodes were getting very bad. And after that last one you had where you collapsed on me in bed and I had to shake you back to breathing again and it took you so long to regulate back to regular breathing, well it freaked me out. I did NOT want you to die having an episode while I was at work or while you were at daycare. I just think that even though the Dr. said you needed a surgery (that he said you wouldn't survive because of your heart, age, weight, other conditions etc.) to fix all of your airway disease, I still wish I would have gotten a second opinion from a surgeon to double check. Or tried to give you the right meds to help or worked on your weight or just did SOMETHING rather than give up. I know you had Cushing's which would have made losing weight a challenge, and your gall bladder needed to come out as well and your liver was SO bad and enlarged from all your meds and your back and legs were getting worse and you were SO SO tired, but why? Why were you so lethargic and tired? Why were you twitching and standing with your head in the corner of the couch? The breathing was one thing. The sickness and how awful you were obviously feeling was something else. Were you just done as the Dr. thinks? With all of your "co-morbidities" as he called it? Or did you have something I could have fixed? Pancreatitis again? You were eating ALOT so I don't think so. You weren't losing weight and not vomiting and not "not" eating like when you had it before. That was the ONLY normal thing you were still doing. Eating. Which my heart knows was from the Cushing's. Not because you weren't sick. But dang. I still go over all of it over and over. I surely had to have missed something. I could have done more to save you. I'm so sorry bugga boo. You were my whole life and I shouldn't have let the Dr. tell me there wasn't more to do. If I could have just gotten you feeling a little better and perkier, we could have maybe done something about your breathing. I could have had a good few more years with you. I need you my sweet girl.

Dear Jesus, please tell my sweet boop that I love her so much. So much. I miss her and I'm so sorry. I would do anything to have her back. To try harder. To keep her with me. Please hold her and kiss her and play with her. She's crazy but she's a good sweet protective girl. Please protect her and love her until I can see her again.

Koda boo...tell Sissy I love her and you two play and snuggle like you used to until I can get there and love on you both. I can't wait. I miss you so much baby girl. So much.

I love you always. Love Mama

1/10/19

5 weeks today bugga. I can't hardly stand it. I miss you so much and it hurts to my core. I want the impossible to happen. I want to wake up and you are here. I want to try so many different things and do anything to keep you here with me. I feel like I failed you. I swore after Sissy that I would NEVER give up on you too soon. My heart, my love. I don't know how I could just give in and accept what the vet said. That it was the end and there wasn't more we could do. I hate myself for not fighting and insisting that we try to work on some of your underlying illnesses and then we could work on your weight and maybe try some different medications and then maybe you would start feeling better and we could have consulted with a surgeon for your airway. I just panicked at your breathing episodes and your fighting for air. And watching you so lethargic and twitching and declining before my eyes was killing me. I did not want you to have an episode in bed and I wouldn't be able to shake you back to life and you would gasp and die right there. I didn't want you to be sick anymore with all of your things and feel like crap..all...the...time. But it feels like murder baby girl. Like I killed the one being I loved with my entire self. I don't know how to go on without you. I so wish you hadn't still been eating...ALOT. Only thing you still perked up for. Food. I will have to tell myself every single minute the rest of my life that it was only the cushings or it will crush me. Every site I look at says it's "time" when they stop eating. And you definitely hadn't stopped. But, that's ALL you did. Otherwise you were miserable and just laying there or sitting outside in the cold which for whatever reason helped you breathe better. That's it. You were obviously in pain from your back and all your internal struggles (liver, gall bladder, cushings) struggling ALOT with breathing and just seemed so sad. But food you perked up for. I so wish that didn't haunt me.

Oh my love I miss you. So much. Want to kiss and hold you and I can't. It's so surreal. I wish I would wake up from this bad dream. 12 years of you by my side every single minute and now it's over. That fast. You're just gone. It's too quiet. I hate it. It just can't be real. It's so hard to accept.

God help me through this. I miss her so much. It's hard to go on. Please love her and show me she's out of pain and breathing freely and enjoying her new life in Heaven with you and with Sis and the boys. Please.

I love you boop. Be a good girl. Mama will see you soon.

1/14/19

My Bugga. I'm so angry. I just wrote you a very long message and it didn't save and I've now lost all of the thoughts I wrote to you. Maybe it's for the best I suppose that I start over as it was all very despairing. I just had the most awful weekend. I miss you so very much and I can't stand to have you gone. I hate being at my house. I see you and feel you everywhere. I don't even want to live there anymore. I really want to sell it but can't right now and I don't know how to live there without you. My life has no purpose my love without you in in it. If I didn't have Chloe to take care of I don't even know what I would do with myself. I have to come to work and honestly it's a bit of a distraction luckily at least for a couple of hours, but the wave of sadness and despair that comes over me on my drive home and again when I walk in the door brings me to my knees. I'm so lost without you. I just can't accept that you're really gone and I will never hold you or kiss you again.

I'm so so sorry my sweet girl. I'm so sorry I gave up on you. I hate myself and will never forgive myself. I obsess minute by minute and can't shut off my brain and all of the thoughts and the what ifs. I picture you laying there and I go over and over everything and all the tests we ran and all the conversations I had with the vet and the emails and questions and it all comes back to why didn't I push further? Why did I let him convince me there was really no "fix." I just don't know how you declined so fast. For 12 years love you powered through all of your illnesses and issues and meds and always turned the corner. Why didn't you this time? What did I miss? Gosh, if you had just not had those breathing episodes. The screaming and collapsing freaked me out so bad and I just couldn't watch you die in bed or worse when you were alone. But, your lethargy and twitching and confusion and all the other things were obviously something else. I should have insisted we try to at least fix that part.

Forgive me boop a loo. I love you so much. God please let her know that. Please tell her. Please love on her. Tell her I'm sorry I gave up. I just want to hold her again. I want her back so bad. I miss you every second and ache for you bugga. Mama will see you soon.

1/15/19

My sweet bugga. I was so so sad again yesterday and last night so I decided to write down on a sheet of paper every single thing you had wrong with you. Every disease you were fighting from the ones you've had since you were little and have fought and powered through for years, to the ones that have currently popped up. It came to almost 2 pages my boop. It changed one thing in my mind. Just one. Yes, I know you were sick. You have been for awhile. And I guess it also showed me that wow, you did better than predicted when you were little. The Dr.'s always said you wouldn't have the same QUANTITY of life due to the way the meds were so so hard on your liver and they couldn't fix all of your breathing issues in your surgery when you were little, but that you would have a good QUALITY of life up until it just became too much. And they were right. I guess that's why it's so hard. While of course as you aged you seemed to slow down and some things became more prevalent and you had new things pop up more often, you always seemed happy and you would play and go on walks and bark at people and be my annoying boop a loop all the time. Until that last month. Then it all changed and boom. Your body must have said enough. But dang it makes it rough. I just can't wrap my brain around it yet how you went from ok to not ok so quickly.

So yes, while it changed my mind on that you DID have alot wrong ESPECIALLY the breathing which is tops in quality of life obviously, I still can't bear to think that I missed ways to manage all of the other things for longer and then maybe just maybe you would have been healthy enough for another surgery to help your airway and gallbladder. Even today, even seeing in my mind how lethargic and sick you were and sticking your head in the corner and breathing well was a struggle I still beat myself up. I still think I missed something and I should have done more for you instead of give up.

Please forgive me my love. I just miss you so much and love you so much I don't want you to ever think I just gave up on you. You looked so tired and gave me such a big sigh and laid on my lap after our last walk that day. It was like I'm so done mom. I'm so tire and so done. It was the saddest I've ever seen you look or act. So then why did you bark and perk up when the vet came a little bit later? I hate that because it almost seemed like you had some fight left.

Love bucket you were my life and my heart and I hate my life without you. I don't know if I will ever feel the same again. I ache to hold and pet you and kiss you. So much.

Jesus in Heaven...tell my baby I love her so much and thank you so much for keeping her safe until I see her again. I love you Lord for your promises to see my babies again.

Love you Koda boo. Love, Mama

1/17/18

Hi Baby girl...6 full weeks today that you've been gone. I miss you so bad. I can't even describe. It hurts in my bones. I cried all the way to work today. I just want you back so much I can't stand it. I want to go back in time and change this. I want the impossible to happen. I want to try again, make a different decision, try a different tactic, just anything to not have you gone. I can NOT accept that you are gone forever and I'm not going to kiss you and pet you and cuddle you and have you with me EVER AGAIN. It sends me into a spiral to let my brain accept it. I have to pray and just say the words Jesus help me. I have nothing else I can do. It's the only way I'm not going to go completely crazy. Please forgive me for giving up on you my sweet boop. You were such a protector and fought to the end to not leave me alone and yet I made the decision for that to happen and I hate myself for that. I always will. I need you so much and I love you more than words can ever describe. And I'm so sorry my sweet baby.

Jesus help me through this. I feel so lost without her. I ache for her and want her back. I want to do things different and try anything and everything and not give up on her. Please hold her in your arms and tell her I love her so much and I'm so sorry.

I never wanted her to go. Ever Ever. I just didn't want her to suffer. So ironic how I didn't want to her to have an episode and die so I kill her? The irony rips out my guts. It's not fair and I hate that she's gone. I love you boop a loo. So much. You are my whole heart.

Love Mama

1/22/19

My baby girl. I'm so sad today. Every time I try to tell myself that it's just going to take time to feel better and to take it one day at a time, it just makes me feel worse. Because I don't want it to "get better." I don't want to "get used to you being gone." It rips me up inside. You aren't supposed to be gone. Ever. You're supposed to be here. You're always here. You're my boop. My annoying crazy little Koda boo. How can I ever "get over" you being gone. I can't. I can NOT accept this. I want you here. I want to close my eyes and open them again and see you sitting there. See you sitting out on the deck in your favorite spot. Hear you bark at the neighbors. Have you follow me everywhere around the house. Have you snuggled up to me on the couch. Have you laying upside down snorting and snoring. Have you scooting your bum bum doing your scooty hoo cause of those annoying anal glands of yours. I want to hear all your sounds. It's too quiet. I can't stand it. I want you here. I need you here. You can't be gone. It just can't be real.

I'm so sorry my bugga. So sorry. I will never forgive myself for not trying to do more. The Cushing's obviously was taking over. But my mind goes in circles CONSTANTLY and the more I go over it the more I think maybe just maybe you could have been saved if I had taken a breath, stopped freaking out over your breathing episodes and just did some research on options. I could have told the Dr. we needed to try some REAL meds for the Cushing's and the gall bladder disease not just natural ones which maybe would have gotten you a little less lethargic, stopped you from being so hot and panty and restless and ravenously hungry and thirsty and from twitching and sticking your head in corners. Then I could have worked on some weight loss to hopefully stop the fainting and sleep apnea and breathing episodes. I could have continued the Meloxidyl for your arthritis, and the Phenobarb for the seizures and maybe even gotten some liver support for the enlarged liver. I know it wouldn't help the inflammation in the lungs and you couldn't have the surgery and couldn't have prednisone, but you were a senior girl. It is what it is. I could have bought you more time. Maybe even a couple of years. And instead I gave up. I saw you suffering with this stuff and couldn't stand to see you that way. You seemed in pain all over and so lethargic and having breathing trouble. I just didn't want to put you through anything else. But you were only 12. That's too young. I should have prepared myself better for your senior struggles and done everything to make you comfortable and not just given up. I hate myself and will always hate myself.

I love you so much. Lord God in Heaven please tell me she knows that. I need to know she's happy and free. I need to know she forgives me. Please take care of her. She's my protective, crazy, high maintenance boop. My heart and soul. I love you Koda. So much.

Thank you Jesus for loving her and taking care of her. I trust in that. I have to. It's all I have left. Faith and trust. Help me to go on Jesus. I can't do this alone.

I love you my boop a loo.
Love Mama

1/24/19

7 weeks today boo. 7 long weeks without you and I'm still so distraught. You are NEVER out of my thoughts. I obsess constantly about you. I miss you so much. I look and listen for you everywhere in the house. Can barely stand to be there but I have to be. What is my alternative? It's my home. But it is nothing without you there. So empty so sad. Even at work I'm exhausted. I know it's stress. I can't turn my brain off from thinking about you and all the things I wish I would have done different and how I've convinced myself you would still be here if I would have tried harder. It has broken me and I don't know how to pick myself up from here.

One string of hope I'm holding onto. One. I was praying so hard last night because I could not fall asleep. Crying and just begging God to tell me you are ok and you know I love you and you forgive me. I wanted to hear HIS voice. Not just me in my own head saying what I WANT to hear. I wanted the voice of TRUTH. And then suddenly in the quiet I heard "My house has many rooms." "Haven't I told you that?" And I felt some peace. Because yes...He HAS told me that when I lost Sissy. But sometimes I just want to be SURE it's from the Lord. I never want my own voices to lead me astray. But, I'm sure. I felt it. I will hold on to that faith when I want to die without you. You are safe. You are at peace. I DID feel that when the Dr. said "she's gone." It was instant peace. I do remember that. I felt that it wasn't you laying there anymore. At that instant you were with the Lord. Struggling to force my brain to go to those thoughts instead of self loathing and self hate for letting you go. I have to boop. I'm going crazy and need to do something.

I love you so much. I long to come home from work and have you climb in my lap and rub your cheek on my face waiting for your kisses. Every single day. Same routine. I told you every day when I returned. "I missed you bugga boo!" And you would press your face in for your kisses. Oh I ache for your sweet little face. Your little wonderful beautiful gray face.

Lord Jesus in Heaven. Thank you for your word last night. Help me to keep my faith strong. Love on that sweet bugga boo. Please please tell her I love her. More than my own self. So much. It's so surreal to think she's really gone and I have NOT accepted it. I want to hold her and see her again so bad. Just please tell her I'm sorry and I can not wait to hold her again. Soon boo....soon.

Love, Mama

1/30/18

My sweet bugga....tomorrow is 8 weeks without you. Without kissing you when I come home from work and having you crawl into my lap and be your snorty sweet self. Without having you want out on the deck every two seconds to sit and watch the world go by. Without having you follow me from room to room and be constantly at my feet. Without having you lay upside down next to my head in bed on your special pillow. And on and on and on. I miss you so much it hurts my bones. I see you everywhere in the house. You are supposed to be there. It is not home without you. It's not the way it's supposed to be. I want you back every single second. I don't know when if ever I will get to the "acceptance" stage. How can I ever just "move on" and accept that you are gone...forever. And I will never see you or feel you or hear you in the house again? My brain can't accept that reality. It is too surreal.

I want you to know I love you so so much. I know you could be super annoying with your barking at every neighbor and every car and every person we saw on a walk. It used to drive me crazy that your anxiety over everything and everyone made you so feisty. But oh how I would give anything to hear that bark. See your fat little butt running down back and forth on the deck or down along the fence in the backyard barking at the invisible people you hear on the other side. Silly sweet crazy Koda. Such a protector of our home and your mama. Such a personality. Unique and one of a kind. There will never be another you and I will miss you and mourn the loss of you forever.

Lord Jesus, tell my Koda boo I love her so so much and thank you for the peace you give me that she is "HOME." She is not just ashes in a box. She is alive and free and playing with Sissy and the boys and worshiping you every minute of every day. Tell her I can't wait to see her and scoop her up into my arms and never let her go.
Thank you Jesus.

Love you boop my loop...
Mama

2/6/19

Baby girl. It's been exactly 2 months without you. 2 Months that I haven't come home from work and kissed your little face and told you how much I missed you while I was gone, 2 months since you've laid by me on the couch and snored your little face off while I stroked your neck and we watched tv, 2 months since you've laid upside down on your pillow next to me in bed, again, snoring away, 2 months since you've constantly wanted to either sit outside in your spot on the deck watching the world go by or right by the front door with the door open, 2 months since you have followed me from room to room to be always at my feet, 2 months without your silliness and playing with your moosey and barking at every person who walked or drove by on our walks, 2 months without you doing your scooty hoo, 2 months without you eating bites of my dinner, 2 months without you hiding your jerky from Chloe, 2 months without you. My Koda...my life...my heart. Everything is empty without you. Too quiet. I miss you. I miss hearing you and seeing you and petting you and kissing you. Just you.

I'm so sorry you were sick. I'm so sorry I couldn't make you better. I'm sorry I let you go. I'm just sorry for so many things and would love to change time and have you back. I love you so much boop. So much. My little crazy bugga boo. You were so special. So unique. Your personality and who you were were something I will never have again. That's what makes this so hard. There will never be another you. Another crazy boop my loop Koda.
You were my special girl and I will miss you until the day I die.

But, God gave you that personality. He created you and I know you are back with Him and are home. You are being your crazy self now with Him in Heaven. You and Sis are together and no pain or sickness will hurt either one of you ever again. I will see you soon love bucket. And all of these things I miss we will do again. I can't wait sweetheart.

Lord Jesus please give Koda a hug and kiss and tell her I love her so much. Thank you Lord.

Love you bugga.
Love, Mama

2/15/19

Hi Koda boo. Oh gosh love...I'm losing it today. So bad. I miss you so much. I'm in so much pain today it's almost unbearable. The regret is taking me over today and I don't think I will ever get over it. I had to take Chloe in to the vet yesterday and her heart failure is getting worse. He said she could have 6 months, a year, or only a week. You just never know. We adjusted her meds to see if that helps but at this point I'm just so stressed and upset about it all that I can barely function.

All I keep thinking is...am I trying harder with Chloe than I did you? She's actively dying of heart failure yet I haven't chose to kill her like I did you. I keep trying to change her meds and hope for the best. So why did I let you go? My love. My heart. I even had time to think about it. I took you for a last day at the beach and spent time with you all while knowing the appt. had been made. Why didn't I get second opinions and insist on different treatment options for you? Or at the very least, why didn't I just give you more time to be with me? You weren't actively dying. You were sick. That was obvious. You definitely didn't feel good from who knows what (the cushings, your liver, your heart, your gallbladder, your pain??) and were not yourself, sticking your head in the corner of the couch and the wall...and the breathing collapsing episodes were becoming more frequent and freaked me out when they happened, but that's the problem. I think they just freaked me out so bad that I over reacted. I don't over react when Chloe is coughing a ton. I don't rush to put her down. I take her back to the vet. Why didn't I take you back and ask him what more we could do, or find someone else who could help? I will never forgive myself. Never.

I should have waited for a crisis. I should never choose when you die if you aren't ready to die. I'm not God. You don't euthanize a sick person, you help them. Just like I'm helping Chloe. The guilt is killing me. And the confusion. I don't even understand myself anymore. How could I have done that to you and not her? If you passed away from one of your episodes then so be it. It would have been your time. I wouldn't have been your executioner. Or if you had went in to a crisis that you couldn't come out of, THEN I could have done it. Then. Not before. I'm so sorry my baby. So so sorry. I will regret doing this to you until the day I die. I hope I see you soon. Because after Chloe DOES join you, I want to join you guys too. It's just too sad. And I hate life now.

Lord God in Heaven...please take care of Koda. I love her so much and I just want her to know. I'm so sorry for letting her go but I just need to know you're with her and loving her and protecting her and she is safe and free and happy. Give me strength and peace too Jesus. I am having a hard time going on. I'm in such despair and regret. Be with me Lord. I need you. Thank you Jesus.

I love you boop. More than anything. I miss you so much. Wait for me.

Love, Mama

2/20/19

Sweet Boop my loop...tomorrow it will be 11 weeks since you've been gone. I can't even say 11 weeks since I lost you, because I'm the one who made me lose you. You didn't die on your own. I let you go. I am in such a despairing space...still. I will never ever forgive myself for letting you go. I keep asking myself over and over...how could I have been SO sure that it was time. How could I have made an appt. and stayed home from work with you for 2 whole days before he came and NOT CANCEL IT!! I can't even fathom that I spent 24/7 time with you and took videos and pictures and just resigned myself to the fact that I was planning your execution! Why didn't I spend that time finding more answers and different alternatives and ways to make you feel better and keep you here with me instead of just deciding I was going to kill my sweet sweet girl. I can't wrap my brain around this and am despondent.

Yes, I know I emailed the Dr. numerous times in those 2 days and didn't get much if anything out of him to give me any hope or ideas to help you. But he DID say he could refer you to a board certified surgeon if I so chose, but then he had to follow that up with how horribly expensive it would be and as he had said over and over to me, that you would more than likely not be a candidate for surgery and even if so, that the recovery would be extremely difficult and you probably wouldn't survive it. Well...so of course it felt more like even though he was offering suggestions, it was more like it was a "we can...but," type of conversation. Every time. Even over other medicines and stuff I wanted to try.

But I feel like I should have at least tried. I know I would feel better about letting you go if you were in an emergency crisis and there was absolutely no time or choice, or if I tried surgery or every med possible and nothing worked. THEN I would feel better. But nope. I had to panic as usual and freak out with your breathing episodes and your lethargy and head in the corner and convince myself you were suffering. That one of those episodes of screaming out and fainting and collapsing would be your last and I didn't want you to go through that. I didn't want you to have to die alone while I was at work or alone at daycare while I was gone for Christmas. But dang...why did I panic? I was able to bring you back after every episode and on your last night you didn't even have one! And I still didn't cancel the appt! Why??? I just kept thinking I was almost glad you had one last good night. All that does is make me hate myself more now.

All of these pugs I see on Instagram live to be like 15 to 16 years old or older and I feel like I robbed you of those senior years with me. I would have carried you everywhere and cleaned up after you and did whatever was necessary just to have you grow older and grayer with me by your side. I know your body was failing with all of your issues...I know that. But, I could have tried harder to just make you comfortable and happy. Anything to have you here where you belong. I can't stand having you gone. I literally am losing my mind.

Koda I am trying to keep my faith as strong as possible and tell myself that you are "HOME" with Jesus. If I let my faith slip at all and think that you are now nothing and only ashes in a box I won't even want to live with myself. I have to believe you are free and breathing freely and have no pain and no horrible diseases or issues anymore. I choose to believe that. I try and try to go back to the minute you left and the peace I felt...at that very moment. That you were instantly in heaven. Instantly absent from your body and present with the Lord. It's so difficult for me to do but I have to force my thoughts to shift so that I don't drive myself crazy. I'm trying baby, I really am.

Lord I love her so much. I love you too and I thank you for giving me peace in my despair. I can't do this without you. I just can't. Give me your strength Jesus. I have none on my own. Please tell Koda I love her so much and I'm so sorry.

Be good my love bucket. I will kiss you again soon.
Love, Mama

2/27/19

My sweet Koda boo. Tomorrow is the 12 week mark. Almost 3 months. I'm devastated still. If it's possible, I get more and more despondent every day instead of better. I don't trust my judgement anymore at all. I don't think I will ever be able to have another little one after Chloe goes. In fact, I don't even know how to trust myself with HER care anymore after what I did to you. To swear on my life after letting Sissy go almost 6 years ago, to NEVER let you go...my heart...my love, without every possible fight, and then do it anyway? I don't even know who I am anymore to have done that. How could I make the appt. and keep it?? Made the appt on Monday after one more bad episode where I felt like ok...no more. Enough. But then I stayed with you 24/7 until Thursday when he came. We took pictures and videos and I loved on you and took you to the beach. But, you only had an episode on Monday and Tuesday nights. Wednesday night you didn't have one! I should have canceled on Thursday because of that. Maybe we could have controlled them. You were so tired and I knew you didn't feel good but you were still eating, you still liked to sit outside, you still liked to wander outside, you still liked to be by your mama while we sat on the couch. I should have let you fight. How many times do I have to go over and over in my head...you weren't "actively dying!!" Were you suffering? I don't even know now. I thought you were and could NOT stand to see you in pain or distress and with the vet giving really no cure or options, I couldn't bear to have you just exist that way until it just got worse and worse or you had an episode that I couldn't bring you back from. But dang...I can't stop the broken record in my mind of thoughts that I killed you. I just want this pain to end.

And now with Chloe I go back and forth to am I doing more for her in keeping her alive than I did for you? Is she suffering as well and I'm just keeping her alive because I can't bear to have you both gone? Or is the difference that there ARE options for her right now and there weren't for you. And her meds are working for the most part. For now. But why couldn't I have fought harder for a different option for meds for YOU?? Even though the vet thought they either couldn't be taken by you due to interactions or other diseases you had or that they wouldn't work, or whatever, I should have gotten a second opinion or just tried them anyways.

My brain is just a jumble right now boop. I get up and go through the motions everyday and that's all it is. Just going through the motions. I wake up and am so sad that I have to face another day. Another day without you and the feeling of...this can't be real. This has to be a bad dream. Koda is NOT gone. She's ALWAYS here. I can't accept this. I hate life...it has no meaning right now. But I have to be here for Chloe. So I'm doing my best to get up and breathe in and out and just make it through another day. I pray constantly for peace and try to keep my faith strong that you are safe and happy in Heaven with Sis and I will see you both again someday but I'm struggling. It's so hard to do. It's a conscious decision have to force myself to do every second of every day and lately I'm failing.

Lord Jesus help me. I need you to help me through this. And please please take care of my Koda. Tell her I'm so so sorry I made the decision to short change her life. I hate myself and I want her back. I want to hug her and kiss her so much. I miss her so much. I love her so much. Please tell her. Please take care of her.

I love you boop. More than life itself. I can't wait to kiss you again.
Love, Mama

3/7/19

Hi Boop. 13 weeks today. I'm still so sad. I think I always will be. It is starting to be lighter longer and the sun is starting to shine more and all I see when I go home is you sitting out on the deck in your happy place just chillin. Hoping Glen will come out and give you treats. You just loved to feel the sun and air on your face and body and it just makes me ache inside to not see you sitting out there knowing how much you would love it. I know that I know that Heaven is ALWAYS like that so that's what I'm trying to focus on my love bucket. That you are sitting in that beautiful sun with the wind blowing on you....not too hot....not too cold but just perfect. That you and Sis are running free and doing zoomies with no leg and back pain, no breathing troubles, no illnesses, just wonderful life breathed back into each of you. You are both young and free and happy and playing and worshiping the Lord forever.

I have had a day here and there lately where I'm not completely overwhelmed and distraught (not that you are ever out of my thoughts, because you are constantly there) but as soon as I start thinking maybe I'm accepting how sick you were and that I did the right thing by letting your suffering end, I immediately revert back to wishing I had done so much more and how bad I'm missing you and want to see you and touch you and kiss you and I lose all the progress I've made. My heart just starts aching and I want to turn the clock back and I even beg God for a second chance. I literally cry and scream and beg him to do the impossible and turn back time to let me start over. And if not that, that he will give me a glimpse of you. Just one. That he will let you come walking into the kitchen so I can hug you and know you're ok and then he will take you back again. But of course he does neither of those things. I have to rely on my faith and pray for peace instead because THAT he does give me.

The other day I was back in that place of thinking I should have done so much more and hating myself for not being like some of the people I see on the message boards who seem to move Heaven and Earth before letting their babies go. They put them through test after test and treatments and hospitalizations until their babies are near death and then they let them go or their babies die in their arms. I didn't do that with you and sometimes reading those stories just breaks me. I feel so much guilt that I didn't try as hard as they did and I have to stop reading. But I just want to say to you this....I loved you (still do) more than life itself. Losing you has been like cutting off an arm and losing a part of myself. I can't even breathe sometimes from the pain and ache. So, watching you have your breathing episodes off and on for that last month (actually when I think back I think even as far back as last summer your struggling had begun with the constant panting and restlessness that came before the gasping and screaming and collapsing) I just couldn't do it anymore to you. I did NOT want you to collapse and I couldn't bring you back. Shaking you when you were limp and having your gasp for air was not something I wanted anymore for you. I just didn't. And then on top of that watching you decline day by day and get more and more lethargic and sticking your head in the corners and twitching and just all of it boop. Why would I need to make you be worse before I let you go? Just to make myself feel better about it? Did it have to be more extreme suffering for me to justify it? Especially with Dr. saying nothing else was going to help you. I just loved you too much to make you keep fighting.

I hope you forgive me my baby love. I love you more than I can ever put into words. My heart and soul little girl. Jesus please take care of her. Tell her I love her so much and I don't want her to ever think I gave up on her. I just wanted her out of pain and breathing freely with no struggles. Safe with you Jesus.

Be good boop a loo. Tell Sis I love her to the moon and I will see you two soon. Can't wait to kiss you. So much.

Love Mama

3/21/19

Hi my sweet boop. 15 weeks today. I miss you so so much. I think of you every single second. I don't know that you will ever be off my mind. It's interesting to me how I can actually go to work and do my job, or be talking with people or watching a TV show and concentrate on all of that, yet I'm still thinking about you. You NEVER leave my thoughts. Sometimes it's ok and I am like I say, just thinking about you. Yet other times I can be watching a show and burst in to tears while thinking of you. My mind will just take me to that horrible place all of a sudden and not only do I miss you but I start in to the what ifs and the regret and self hate and I spiral down. It is so true what they say about waves. I almost can feel it coming but I can't stop it. It crashes into me and the sobs and aches just overwhelm me. But, they do dissipate back into that spot of where I'm thinking of you but not sobbing so I'm kind of taking that as progress. Very slow progress...but progress.

Today is kind of in between. Last night was the huge wave. Right before bed (which is usually the worst time) it crashed into me and I lost it and I could not stop the pain and sobbing. This morning was a little better, and right now I'm in that stage where I can see it coming in the distance and I'm trying to hold it off until I leave work. It's right at the cusp. These sunny days just make me want you here so bad. I know you would love it so much to feel the wind and sun on your face. The perfect time for you. Not too hot and not too cold. I'm trying to remind myself over and over that Heaven is exactly that for you. Of course it is. It has to be. It's Heaven. Perfect for my sweet girl.

I'm really trying so hard to think of you there instead of just "gone." A person on the boards was so upset that her baby was just ashes in a box. The soft fur and who you were was turned into ash and I have been down that path of thinking and I can NOT do it. It crushes me. So instead, I remind myself it is only your body. As soon as that last shot went in I felt that your spirit was already gone. Who you were was not that body. You...Koda...was now with Jesus. At that moment. So, your body being ashes doesn't mean anything about who you were or are now. You are alive with the Lord. Your soul and spirit, what makes you you is alive. Happy. Breathing freely. Selfishly yes, I want you back in that body so I can hug you and kiss you and feel you but you are not dead. Jesus has defeated death and you as an innocent creature that God created has now taken you back to Himself and I will see you again when I join you there someday. I can't wait my boop a loo.

Yes, I'm still sorry I didn't do some things differently. Chloe is needing to go back to her cardiologist because Dr. can't make any more recommendations for her without an updated scan and as soon as I made the appt. I sobbed because I felt like I was doing more for her than I did for you. I can barely type that out without crying because I want to turn back to the clock and take you to that surgeon. Please forgive me my baby for letting you go without doing that. Dr. said he "honest to God" does not think you would have survived a surgery and/or you would not have survived the recovery. I was NOT going to have you die on the table all alone and without me all scared and poked and prodded. I could not watch you struggle anymore. I loved you too much. But, I'm sorry, so sorry some days that I didn't try more and doing more for Chloe right now is making it that much harder to deal with. I am just trying to pray constantly for peace and discernment with her so that I make the right decisions and try not to compare you two and realize you are 2 different girls with 2 different problems. I would never choose to help her more over you. Never. I just felt in my heart that God wanted me to end your suffering and that was what I was supposed to do with you. I felt at peace about it. Of course after you were gone I wanted to rip out my own heart and have you back but before, and during I felt so at peace. I try every...single...day to remember that so I don't lose my mind in this grief and regret.

Koda...bottom line. I love you so much. More love than I even know how to express. I have lost a part of myself losing you. I still don't know who I am without you. I still ache to my bones. I still have the strongest aching longing to hold you and kiss you. Is what it is. It's still so surreal that you're really gone. But you are. And some day I will have to learn to accept it. I'm not there yet.

Signing off now my boop. Be good...tell Sis I love her so much and Cairo and Paris too if you see them. I can't wait to see you all. Love you with a love I can't even describe. So much.

Love, Mama

4/2/19

Hi Boopa...17 weeks on Thursday. 4 long horrible months without you. Some days it feels like forever since I kissed or hugged or petted you, and other days it feels like I JUST lost you. I can feel you, I can feel in my mind exactly what you feel like. Your face, your ears, your paws, your belly, your neck...all of it. It is still so bone breakingly sad and I'm still so devastated. I did have a small distraction this weekend which helped briefly. I had visitors and we were so busy that I didn't cry as much. I did when we would talk about you some, but I wasn't aching as much and was able to function better. But as soon as they left, I broke down. The lonliness I felt just made me more sad and it was SO quiet.

Your absence is so glaring. I went outside and sat in the grass and I could literally hear you and feel you come booping on over snorting all the way to sit by me or come crawl up in my lap. Oh it just breaks my heart in two and I sobbed and sobbed. I want you back so much. I just want to scream and cry and beg and I even still sometimes do. But of course you are still gone. Forever. I pray and pray that it's only a nightmare that I will wake up from yet I never do. It's real. You are never coming back to me.

I'm so sorry my love. So sorry. I just have so much regret. I know I will never be the same ever again. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my decisions and I hate myself for being the one who caused you to be gone. I can't fathom it when I look back at years and years of pictures and videos and how I could go from taking care of you every minute of every day for 12 straight years, 24/7 and them boom. Up and give up. In a short month time frame. Why not fight? I can't wrap my mind around it and the worse thing about it is I KNEW! After Sissy, I KNEW how bad this would be. I KNEW how it felt to kill my baby. And I did it anyways. I can't ever forgive myself. It's bad enough to grieve over someone you loved who died, but when you INTENTIONALLY CAUSE THAT DEATH? That's a whole other story and I'm just praying to someday be able to move on from the self hate.

I do receive peace from the Lord when I'm in utter despair. He is faithful and does give my strong peace when I'm utterly beside myself. Unfortunately it is usually short lived and the wave comes crashing back in quickly. Oh boop I miss you so much.

Jesus tell her I love her so very much and I'm so very sorry. Please give her kisses and hugs and tell her I will see her very very soon.

Love you bugga...
Love Mama

4/18/19

My sweet boop...19 weeks today. I had to come on and change all of your stuff to Easter. This Sunday is your very first Easter in Heaven. The most glorious holiday. I can't wait for the day I can celebrate this holiday in Heaven as well. This holiday is the reason I even get to see you again someday. It's the reason I will live for eternity with Jesus. What he did for me on the cross and then by rising again he showed the world that he loves us, he is our savior and all we have to do is believe. I love this holiday and I am praying for God's peace to let it flow over me and just accept what it's all about and not grieve so hard that day.

I have had quite a few more meltdowns sweet boop. They come in waves and JUST when I think I'm sort of ok, I get knocked down so hard. And I'm drowning and drowning and broken. Last night was one of those times. Right before bed. I shouted to God, She needs to be right beside me on her pillow! That is her place! Right there! And of course it's empty. No little black snoring upside down boop. I miss you so much. The physical pain in my heart is exhausting. I cry until there is nothing left. And then I fitfully sleep. I just pray and pray for peace and renewed faith so that I can believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are ok, you forgive me and you know how much I love you and how sorry I am for letting you go. I would do so much differently if I had it to do again. I don't know how much different the outcome would have been eventually, but I still would have made different choices than I did. I want a second chance so bad I could rip my hair out with regret.

Chloe is still sick too love and after going to the Cardiologist yesterday, we are still no closer to finding out exactly what is up than before we went. Her heart is not in "failure" right now. Still jacked and she still needs medicine for the beating part of her heart but it's not what's causing her coughing and all of that. So, there is a fear that she is suffering from airway/lung disease just like you were and now I have to just wait until she starts collapsing etc. like you did and I just can't believe I am going to have to deal with the same issues again. I just do not feel strong enough to lose her too. For the two of you I will be so happy. As I'm happy you are with Sissy. I will be happy that all 3 of your are together. But for me, I don't even know what the lonliness will do to me. I never again will chuckle and make jokes about the sleep I will get when you guys are gone and how much more time I will have and blah blah blah. I'm going to get "my wish" soon and I want to die with you guys. It's a cruel joke and I shouldn't have joked about it at all.

Love bug, I miss you. So so much I ache. Please Jesus let me know she's ok. Let me glimpse her or feel her just once. Just once. Please. I want to kiss her so badly. Just once.

I will see you soon bugga. I love you. More than I can ever ever express.

Love, Mama

5/7/19

My bugga. Yesterday was 5 long months since you've been gone. I had been doing a little better lately. I still thought about you every single second but I hadn't deep cried in a couple of days. That all changed last night. I don't know what happened but I couldn't sleep and thoughts of you just started consuming me and consuming me and I wanted you beside me in your bed SO BAD and I lost it. Deep moaning aching sobs and the regret again baby girl, such regret. I can't stay focused on the reasons I let you go no matter how hard I try. My brain keeps jumping to that you were just a little sick, or you were having a bad spell and I jumped the gun. To think it was me who killed you, my baby, my soul, my heart, after 12 years of trying everything possible to make you better, just ripped me apart last night.

As I've said many times, I think it's because I still have my Chloe. Her sickness and her ups and downs makes me doubt what I did with you. Every. Single. Day. If she was completely healthy it would be so much easier to not compare and not think I'm doing more for her and keeping her alive longer than I did you and just on and on. It's exhausting. I keep trying to tell myself that I just "knew" with you and that while you guys were having some of the same issues, your symptoms and the way you were acting was WAY worse than what she's doing. She's not collapsing, or stopping breathing, or gasping or being super lethargic, or putting her head in corner. So, I tell myself that when she does breathe a little fast, or coughs all the time or even seems sad, cause she hates me being gone, it's still NOT the same as you. I'm not keeping her alive longer than I did you with the same things. Because they're NOT the same things. I have to keep saying it over and over otherwise the self hate is consuming.

I just miss you boo. So much I can't function sometimes. I feel like I will literally go crazy if I let myself think you are really gone forever and I really won't EVER pet you or kiss you again. You won't be at my feet and snorting and making all your noises and following me everywhere and barking at everything...EVER EVER again. To think of something so fricken full of personality and so so unique and special as never existing again in this world is just beyond my comprehension. And to top it off to think that I killed you and deprived you of your life, the one person in the entire world you trusted, the one who loved you more than life itself did this to you, well, it makes me want to die too.

I'm so so sorry my love bucket. I love you so much I ache. Please know that. God in Heaven please love on my Koda boo and tell her I love her so much. Lord Jesus I thank you for your peace, I thank you that you are the only one in the entire planet and beyond that really "gets it" and is there for me when I think I can't survive another second. Thank you for taking care of her in Heaven and telling me she's "home" when I can't bear the thought of her being a nothing. Thank you for reminding me that she's not a "nothing" She's whole again and waiting for me and I will see her again someday. Thank you God. You are my reason for being. The only thing that matters. Thank you Jesus.

Koda I love you to the moon and back. Be a good girl. I will see you soon.

Love, Mama

5/22/19

My boop. My love bucket Koda. Bestest little girl in the westest. I'm so so sad today. It's so weird how it just hits. Out of the blue and so intense. I will go from being numb and "ok," to absolutely laying on the kitchen floor sobbing and devastated. Last night...not too terrible. This morning on the way to work....lost it. And now, having the worst worst time. I'm so regretful my baby girl. More so every day. The more I take care of your sick little sister and take her to the vet and give her drugs and pretty much do whatever I can to keep her around and sort of happy, I hate myself to my very core for not doing that for you. My heart and soul...the love of my life little bugga and I just killed you. Gave up at the first sign of your sicknesses getting worse instead of fighting. I struggle with, did I love YOU more because I couldn't stand to see you suffer? Or Chloe more because I'm keeping her longer? Am I keeping her around because I'm afraid to be alone and she is suffering too? I'm so confused and so grief stricken all the time. If she had been healthy like you were when Sis went to heaven, I don't know if I would be having such conflicting emotions. I just don't know anymore.

All I do know is I would give my life to have a second chance. I just hate myself most days and today I'm distraught and crying as I type this. I miss you so much and you trusted me. And I betrayed you. I handed you to that Dr. and let them put that shot into you that took your life. I held you as you started to struggle with your breathing and then went limp into unconsciousness. Oh my love the haunting thoughts rip my heart out. I only wanted you to pass peacefully in my arms. I didn't want you to have one of your episodes and scream out in fear and pain and fall over collapsing and die. But it didn't go as peacefully as I hoped and that haunts me every second. I should have just done whatever I could to keep you comfortable and happy at home and if one of your episodes took you, then so be it. Maybe just maybe we would have had alot more time and you would still be here right now. I don't know but what I do know is how much I despise myself for doing what I did. I will never ever forgive myself and knowing you are gone FOREVER will torment me the rest of my life until I die and am able to hold you again.

Oh baby...my sweet sweet Koda boo. I can't wait for that day. The only thing keeping my going is the Lord and his peace. He is everything I have and I need Him so much. I try and try to hold on to my faith when I'm distraught and I beg Him to talk to me and tell me you're ok. My doubt and the enemy tries to tell me you're not, but my faith tells me you're "home." Home with Jesus. Playing with Sis and Cairo and Paris. No more pain, breathing free and unbelievably happy. I have to hold onto that bugga or I will lose my mind. I really will. Lord please tell my Koda I love her so much. So much I can't even fathom the love I have for her and the ache in my heart of wishing I could have her back. So so much regret. Please tell her I'm so sorry. So sorry. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her again. Please tell her and take care of her until I can be with her again.

Thank you Jesus. Please give me peace. I'm struggling so much. I need you Lord. Thank you for your promises and for never leaving me.

See you soon my bugga. Love you more than words can ever express.
Love, Mama

6/6/19

Oh bugga....where to begin. It's been exactly 6 months today that you've been in Heaven. The mid way point. Half of a year. A year. I can't even hardly type that out. So very long without you my boop. Yet, the pain of missing you is still so fresh. I still cry and ache for you every single night. When I'm at work I'm busy and the distractions keep me from spiraling out, but when I get home I see you and feel you everywhere and it just overwhelms me that you are gone. Forever. My sweet sweet girl....the life is just gone from you. You are no more. I can't even fathom that thought. When I let myself go down that rabbit hole of thinking about the special uniqueness that is you, the personality and sweet little soul that makes you Dakota is just gone, the breath of life gone from your body, and now you are nothing but ashes in a box, it knocks the wind out of me. I literally can't breathe myself. I feel myself hyperventilate, it just seems unreal that my sweet sweet girl no longer exists in this world. It is SO hard to wrap my brain around.

And the worst thing? I did it. I took my girl from this world. I killed her. Her mama. Who loves her more than I can ever ever describe, gave them the ok to push that drug into her body and take her life. I hate myself for that. Such such hate and disgust at myself. I will never forgive myself for not trying more and for not letting YOU try more. You always rallied and I should have given you that chance. I'm not God and I shouldn't have decided for you of when you lived or died. It's not my place. I'm so sorry my love. So so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I need you and want you home...so much.

I know this is all made worse because Chloe is sick too. She rallies back and forth like you used to do and she's already kind of a little neurotic nelly so it's SO hard to know when she's had enough and I struggle. Oh so much. Of what to do. I don't want her to suffer yet I don't want to lose her and be all alone. I'm so selfish. I'm so distraught over the loss of you that I sometimes wonder if I keep Chloe here for MY benefit and not hers. I'm such an awful person for that. And then other parts of me want to do whatever I can for her so I don't feel like I've missed anything I can try for her. I don't want to regret like I do with you. But, I also don't want to feel like I'm trying harder with her than I did