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Memories of Niko

He came to me when I needed it the most. He made me feel loved and needed. His love was a love with no selfishness. I will always remember coming home and he opened a bag of flour and spread it all over the floor. Then he tipped his water bowl over and made the flour like paste. He played in it and showed me with such happiness as though to say "Look Daddy, Look What I Can Do". I laughed so hard and just rolled around in it with him. The bond we had will never be replaced. Another time coming home to see him standing in the middle of the dining room table, as though he was the king. It was hysterical. People say I was so good to him and he had a great life. The truth is he was great to me and made my life great. A huge part of me died with him. The huge hole could never be replaced. He also gave me the other great part of my life. He gave me his son Kodi. Kodi also looks around lost at times wondering where is daddy and buddy are. I at times see some of the traits Niko had in Kodi. I had all I needed in life when I was with them. Niko used to place his head in my hand as if to say everything will be okay. He was right it always was as long as I had Niko and Kodi by my side. Even during his last days as sick as he was, he would still struggle to greet me at the door, and sit by my side as he always did. Human loyalty and love could never compare to the love he showed me. I hope he is happy and safe now. I hope he always knows how much I love and miss him.I have tried my hardest to be strong but inside I am dying. He is in my mind every second of every day. I hope he knows I did my best for him always. Niko and Kodi come second to nothing or no one. I never gave up and prayed a miracle would come and I would wake up and see him healthy and prancing like he once did. He was so strong and proud. I am so proud of him. Niko, you gave me everything I could have ever wished for, I hope I gave you everything too. I tried to give you the best I could with everything. You are my baby. I wish I could hug you just one more time. Please forgive me if there was anything I may have never done right. Life is not the same without you here with me. I miss your bark as soon as I pull up with the car. I miss your snorts you always gave me when I pet or hugged you. Coming home is not the same. I remember walking with you and people stopping to look at you with such awe of how beautiful you were. Another great memory was when we would walk to the park and run around the tennis courts and get yelled at by the people wanting to play tennis. You and Kodi are and always will be my everything. I will never forget you and wait for the day I see you again and hug you and never let go. You will forever be with me as long as we are apart. I love you now and forever. I miss you, baby. I hope you are with me every second of my life. You are my heart and my life. I love and miss you so much. Love, Daddy.
February 9, 2007
Hello my baby Niko. I hope you are playing with all of your new friends. I hope you hear me talk to you every day. I miss you so much. It is harder and harder to deal with you not being with me and Kodi. I brought you home today to be with me where you belong. I hope you have found my daddy and are enjoying each other. Not a second goes by that I do not think about you. Kodi is right beside me, just how the two of you always were. I look at your bed every night and just wish I could lay with you just one more time. Nothing is the same without you. A part of me left when you did. I know you are my guardian angel, and will protect me like you always did. You will never know how much I love you and miss you. I can not wait until I see you again and stay with you forever and never have to say goodbye again. You are and will always be my heart. I Love You. Love, Daddy
February 14, 2007- Valentines Day
Dear Niko,
I wanted to wish you a happy valentines day. I hope you are okay and playing with all your new friends. I miss you so much. This is the first holiday without you and it is not the same. I cant wait until I see you again. I want to hug you and never let you go. I love you so much. Wait for me at the bridge. Love, Daddy
February 23, 2007
Hello Niko,
It is a month tonight since you left me. It has not gotten any easier. I miss you so much and think of you every second of my life. You are my best friend and my protector. I do not feel the same. I want you to protect your little brother Boscoe that has crossed the bridge last night. Please meet him and guide him and protect him like you did me. He is precious. I know you guys will be playing and loving each other. He resembles you in so many ways, just a quarter of your size. He was brought to me to make me feel better but taken away from me just as fast. Please take care of him. Kodi and I are managing to get by but it is very tough. I wait for the day me, you , Kodi and Boscoe are all together where nothing again can separate us. I can not wait for that day and look forward to it. Please visit me from time to time and let me know you are okay. I love you my baby. Love, Daddy
March 23, 2007
Dear Niko,
It is 2 months now since you left me. I think about you every minute of every day wondering if you are okay and happy. I hope you are happy and okay. I hope you and Boscoe are together and you are protecting him like you always did me. It has not gotten any easier, I have just learned how to hide my feelings from everyone a little better. Everyday, I hold the first photo taken of you in my arms when you were a baby. that is my favorite photo of us. Grandma has made a beautiful collage of you with me and Kodi. Kodi still runs to the deck and looks for you. Me and Kodi being there for each other is the only way we have been getting through this. I cannot go anywhere without there being reminders of you. We went everywhere together. The love I have for you will never diminish and could never be filled. You and Kodi are my everything. I miss you so much. I hope I always gave you everything you wanted and needed. I tried my best. I wish just one time I could hold you again. Always know that you are my baby and always will be. I Love You now and forever. Love, Daddy
April 16, 2007
Hello Baby,
I wanted to say hello and let you know how much I miss you. I try so hard to act as though I am fine but it still kills me knowing you are not here with me. It is so hard dealing with this because for my 11 years with you, you were my everything. Life is not the same and I hate it. I look at Kodi and it breaks my heart. I hope you know that the decision I made was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know it was to free you from your pain but it still hurts to have done all I could but it still was not enough. You are on my mind no matter where I am or what I am doing. You are and always will be my baby. I look forward to holding you again and never letting you go. I wish you could give me a sign to know you are okay and with me. Thank you for showing me love that no human is ever capable of. I am the lucky one to have felt so much love. Thank you for making my life special. I love you baby now and forever. Forever in my heart. Love, Daddy.
April 23, 2007
Dear My Baby Niko,
Tonight is 3 months since you left me. My life has changed tremendously since you left. The biggest part of me is gone. You and Kodi were the only part of my life that were perfect. You were the only things that mattered to me, it is hard learning how to adjust to losing one of the things that made my life complete. My life would fall apart at times but it did not matter because I had you and Kodi. You two were all I needed to make it all okay. You always seemed to know when I needed you the most because that is when showed me the most love possible. I do not ever see my life that great again. No matter what, you hold a place in my heart that is impossible to be filled. For 11 great years you were the only truly solid thing I had to hold and now you are gone. I do not know what to do to help make this pain subside. Everywhere I go there are memories of you. Kodi still runs outside and sits by the fence as though he is waiting for you to come home. I would give anything to just touch you one more time. I still can almost feel your hair as I pet you as though you are here. I know you will always be by my side like you always were. I hope you and Boscoe are buddies and playing. I hope you are sleeping beside him like you did me and Kodi. I miss you and love you more than the air I breath. I hope you come to see me one day. I will be with you again soon, my baby. I LOVE YOU. Love, Daddy
June 13, 2007
Dear my baby Niko,
Sorry, I have not written to you lately but it has been really eventful lately. I hope you hear me talking to you though everyday. It is almost 5 months since you left us. It is still so hard to look at your pictures. I have them everywhere at home and at work. I talk to you everyday all day long. I feel as though you keep me safe at work. I went to see Dr. Balsamo recently. We were talking about you. He told me in his 19 years of being a Veterinarian, he has never seen and probably will never see a more friendly, gentle Akita than you. He is right, you were definately different. You were my gentle giant. i still cry as I sit here and write to you. No one in my life understands what it did to me when you left me. My life is destroyed now. The only things that keep me going are my other 2 babies Kodi and Nicky. Nicky is only 5 months. You would have loved her. She has the same proud prance you had. Kodi is very good with her, he takes care of her like you took care of him when he was a baby. We are all each other has. When I come home from work it sounds like you barking with Kodi. I would give anything to open the door and see you standing next to him waiting for me. No matter how much time passes and wherever life leads me you will always be my heart. I love you forever. I can not wait to be with you again. Love, Daddy.
June 29, 2007
Dear Niko,
How are you my baby? I hope okay. I miss you terribly. 5 months and 6 days have passed since you left me and it is still very hard to deal with you not being here. I think of you every minute of every day. I believe it is you who keeps me safe at work everyday. I talk to you every morning as soon as my shift starts. I keep you in my heart always. I wish Betty would understand how much it kills me to deal with you not being here. I have no one to talk to who understands the constant pain I feel. You leaving me has changed my life forever. I know you will be with me this year when I start to race at the track. I know you will keep me safe. My dream has finally come true. It is not as exciting and fulfilling now because you are not here to share it with me. I miss you so much. You were always so happy, you made me so happy even when I had the worst day. We were together during some really rough times but it was because of you and Kodi that I made it through. You are always going to be my baby. I will see you soon. I love you always.
Love, Daddy
July 23,2007
Dear Niko,
Hello baby. How are you? I hope you are okay. Today is 6 months since you left me. It has not been easy. I was even at Dr. Balsamo's office today. You were talked about so much by us. You are unforgettable to anyone that ever met you. You were even brought up to me from my old co-workers. We talked about things you did and laughed. It brought a big smile to my face seeing how people remember you. They told me that the only time they saw me happy was when I talked about you and Kodi. No one will ever realize how much I love you and how much I miss you. I can not let go of the feeling I had the night you left me. The hug I gave you was the only true unconditional love I have ever felt. I have never felt more lost than I did that night. My biggest fear came true. Losing one of you was a fear I felt and could never prepare myself for. People say it gets easier. It does not get easier, you just learn to hide it better. I hope you know how much I love you and know that I tried everything I could to make you better. I was not ready to say goodbye to you and I am still not ready. I still cry as I sit here writing to you. I do not know what to do to make it go away. The only peace I feel is that I know you are not in any pain or discomfort. I hope you are sitting beside my father as you are both watching over me. I know you keep me safe. I can not wait until I see you again. I would give up everything to touch you one more time. I miss and love you with all that I am. I will see you soon my baby.
Love, Daddy
August 30, 2007
Dear Niko,
How are you baby? Great, I hope. I hope you went to meet Alice, she crossed the bridge 2 weeks ago. Take care of her. Her mommy really misses her. You have been on my mind lately more than usual, if that is possible. There have been really sad things going on lately here and I have Kodi and Nicky with me, but I need my big baby here. Whenever things were rough you kind of always knew and stayed with me more than usual. Almost as though you were watching over me. I really need that now. Kodi has been a really good daddy in taking care of Nicky. He learned that from you. You would love her. She is now 100 pounds at 8 months old. She has a loving disposition like you and Kodi. She always playfully bites Kodi in his ankles, Kodi always did that to you. I really miss you and hope you hear me talk to you all of the time. My life has not been the same without you. You guys have been my life and will always be my life. I miss you and love you with everything i am. I Love You baby. Love, Daddy
September 23, 2007
Dear Niko,
Hello baby. How are you? I cant believe today is 8 months since you left me. The pain still feels as if it were yesterday. I miss you so much. I still cry about you. I look at Kodi seeing him become old and slower and it breaks my heart knowing that I may lose him soon too. You guys have been my everything. I lost you and cant deaL with it, without him too, I will have nothing in me left. The only thing that keeps me going is Kodi and my little girl Nicky. Her and Kodi get along great. They remind me of how you and Kodi used to play. Kodi would always hold onto your legs, now Nicky does that to him. I tell everyone about you. People see your pictures and are amazed at how beautiful and big you were. I love the picture of me hugging you and the one of Betty leaning on you like a pillow. You were twice her size but as big as you were, you were the most gentle giant you could be. I do not think there was a mean part in you except when you had to protect your family. You were amazing. I hope you are with Boscoe right now and are right beside me. I would give anything to be with you just one more time. I miss you baby. I LOVE YOU with all of me. Love, Daddy
October 6, 2007
Dear Niko,
Happy Birthday! You are 12 today. Today was a little more rough than usual. It is the first time we did not have your favorite meal and vanilla ice cream together. It breaks my heart more than anyone could imagine to not have you here with me. I miss you so much. I feel a constant knot in my stomach still having lost you. You guys are my everything. Nothing seems to be as fulfilling as it once did. I still can feel your hair as though I am petting you. You left an impact in my heart that will never be filled. I would give it all up to be able to touch you one more time. Please always remember that I did the best I could for you and if I could I would do it all over again, but this time without you getting sick. I Love you baby now and forever.
Love, Daddy
January 23, 2008
Dear Niko,
At 7:20 tonight it is a year you left me. I cannot believe it. I cannot help but still cry as I write to you. There is not a second that I do not think about you. I thought Christmas was the hardest day without you until tonight. My heart was not with Christmas this year, it was my first since 1995 without you. i missed so much, you helping me decorate the tree by removing one by one the ornaments that you seemed to like. There is now a special Akita Angel ornament that is precious to me. The pain of losing you is terrible. I have been through alot in my short 36 years but have never felt more pain than I feel about losing you. People do not understand how the impact has affected me. You and Kodi were my everything. Kodi is still such a good boy. He is still always by my side like he was when it was the 2 of you by my side. You taught him well because he is great with Nicky and teaches her the things you taught him. Most of all you taught me. You taught me how to love something more than life itself and how to express that love. I will never love anything in my life like I love you. You also taught what unconditional love is, the kind of love that people are incapable of showing. At times when I come home from work, it is as if I hear you barking in the house. I always hope it is and that you leaving was all a bad dream. I cannot get the memory of the night you left out of my mind. You walked into the Dr. with your head held so high as you always did but sat by my side with a look as if to say it is okay daddy let me go. I cannot help but feel so guilty that I had to make that choice. I always believed you would get better but you never did. I am so sorry that I could not help you, I tried everything but nothing worked. You fought so hard and wanted so much to live. I would give up everything I have in my life to bring you back and be with me again. I hope you are happy with all of your friends. I wish I could see you just once more and hold you and make sure you know how much I love you. My life will never be the same. You left a paw print on my heart that means more to me than the air I breath. I look forward to the day you meet me at the bridge and we will all be together again. I LOVE YOU MY BABY! Love, Daddy
May 9, 2008
Dear Niko,
Hello my baby. How are you? Sorry I have not written lately. I have been taking Kodi to the vet every week, he had a very bad skin infection. Once again, Dr. Balsamo came to the rescue and he is doing much better. At first we thought it was skin cancer, but thank god it isnt. I prayed to you every day to protect him and prevent him from having that. I could never handle losing both of you to that terrible disease. Like you, he has the strength and will of a lion. Nicky just went to see Dr. Balsamo for her shots and she is doing great. She is going to be a monster like you. She weighs 115lbs. at 14 months already. You would love her, she has a sweet affectionate personality just like you. God has given me the best 3 gifts a human could ever receive, he gave me you, Kodi and Nicky. You 3 have made my life worth more than I could have ever imagined. You showed me what real unconditional love is. The pain of losing you kills me but the love and life you showed me makes me realize how short and precious life is, any life. I hope I always gave you all the love you ever gave me. I love you, my baby and not a second goes by that you are not with me. Love, Daddy
October 6, 2008
Dear My Baby Niko,
Happy Birthday. I hope you are enjoying your special day. You were on my mind the minute I woke up today. I am very sorry for not writing recently, it has been very rough in my new position at work. I miss you so much, more than words could ever say. I thought it wouldget easier in time without you but it has not. It breaks my heart so much knowing you are not here. I wish just once you would come see me and let me hold you just once more. I would give anything for that. You were my life and now it is gone. I have photos of you everywhere and your memories are always with me. I always talk about you and what you gave to me. A gift that no human ever could. I believe that it was you and Kodi that saved my life and made me want to live and care for you. I Love You.
January 23, 2009
Dear My Baby Niko,
It is 2 years today that you left me. Not a second goes by of any day that you are not always on my mind. It has not gotten any easier. I miss you so much and would give anything to just hold you again. I am sorry I have not written to you lately. My heart breaks at the thought of today. I am unable to get the memory of this day 2 years ago out of my mind. I always have a huge smile on my face whenever I talk about you. Goe brought you to me to make me believe there is really an unconditional love, one that people are incapable of feeling. I thank you for making me believe in that. You are now and always will be my love and my baby. I LOVE YOU. Love, Daddy
September 27,2009
Dear My Baby Niko,
Sorry I have not written to you lately. It does not mean you are not on my mind every second. I know you are with Kodi now. I am very glad you 2 are together again. When I decided to take Kodi home, everyone told me not to. They all said 2 Akitas would kill eachother. I believed differently. I knew you guys would be the best of friends. After all, you are father and son. I am so glad I listened to my heart and no one else. You guys saved my life and made me want to stay around and be with you. Please take care of Kodi like you always did. He was so strong and such a fighter. He never gave up even as tough as it was. I know now, you guys are playing and looking after one another like you did here. I know you guys are with me every second. I wish I could just touch you guys one more time. I would give anything for that. I hope you 2 are looking after little Boscoe. He was precious and taken way too early. Protect him like you did me. I look forward to seeing you waiting for me at the bridge. I would do anything to be with you again. I Love you now and forever. Love, Daddy
October 23, 2009
Dear my baby Niko,
How are you? Great, I hope. Happy Birthday. I know I am a little and I am so sorry for that. I did not forget just unable to write. I hope you and Kodi are together. It killed me to lose you and then destroyed me when I lost him too. You guys were my saviors, my life. Now, you are gone. I hope you are both happy and playing all day. Please protect Boscoe too. I have photos of you everywhere. Not a second goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I miss you so much. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Please come see me one day. I love and miss you. Love, Daddy
January 23, 2010
Dear My baby Niko,
Hello my baby. How are you? Today is the day you left me. I am unable to believe it is 3 years already. It has not gotten any easier and it still tears my heart out. Not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. I hope being with Kodi now has made your time better. I hope you guys run and play like you always did. I will never be able to express the love I feel for you guys. You both saved my life. You will always be my heart! I will always look forward to the day I am with you guys again. The only thing here that makes my life fulfilling is Nicky. You would love her. She reminds me alot of you at times just smaller. I truly believe the only time I will be happy again is when I am with my babies. I hope you and Kodi are protecting little Boscoe, too. Please come to see me sometime. I would give anything in my life to be able to hug you one more time. I Love You more than life itself. Love Always, Daddy
October 6, 2010
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello baby. Happy Birthday. I hope you are doing great. I miss you so much. Time does not get any easier like people say. I could never explain how much I miss you. It still breaks my heart. You guys are my best friends and mean more to me than anything. I say it always, that you saved my life. I wish you were here to meet Nicky. She has a cross between you and Kodi. Very proud, protective and enormous. You would like her. I wish you knew how much I miss you. I would give anything to be with you once more. My life changed the minute you left me and has never been the same. I trusted you guys more than any human. You guys never let me down. I wish you could be here with me just one more time. Me and mommy talk about you all the time. You were my angel. I still believe you protect me now like you always did. You always made me feel safe. Mommy always says you and Nicky would make the cutest puppies. She is sweet just like you. There will never be another like you, not now or ever! I will never forget you and take you with me every where I go. You are always in my heart. I love you more than the air I breath. I will see you soon. I LOVE YOU!
Love, daddy
January 23, 2011
Dear my baby Niko,
Hello my baby. How are you? Great, I hope. Today is still one of the worst days of my life. It is 4 years ago that you left me. Time has gone by quickly but the loss and pain has never gone away. My heart died with you. I thought in time it may get easier but it has not. Not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. I know I do not write as much and I am sorry. It is only because how busy things have become. I still feel that you were the only thing that ever truly loved me, aside from Kodi, Boscoe and Nicky. I hope you guys are all playing and happy. I look forward to seeing you guys waiting for me at the bridge. Then we will never be apart again. Please take care of eachother until I get there. I feel at times as though you are here with me. I would give anything to see you and hug you just one more time. I miss you and love you more than my life itself. I will see you soon. I LOVE YOU.
Love, Daddy
October 6, 2011
Dear my baby Niko,
Happy Birthday baby. I hope you are having a great day. I wish you were here with me but I know you are with Kodi and Boscoe celebrating your big day. I miss you so much. I wanted to let you know that I rescued another Akita. His name is Tonka, he reminds me so much of you and Kodi. Nicky loves him and they get along great. He is going to be a big boy. Things are still the same here. I am sorry that I do not write as much but things are hectic. You are on my mind and in my heart every second of every day. I look forward to being together again. I sometimes feel I am better there with you than I am here. The only happiness I have is Nicky and Tonka. I do not know what I would do without them. I sometimes feel I do not have a place here. I always felt I had a place with you. I know things will get better. I would give anything to see you just one more time. I Love you and miss you always.
Love, Daddy
January 23, 2012
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello Niko, how are you? Great, I hope. Today is 5 years that you left me. Time is really going fast. It feels like yesterday. The pain has not gone away. There is not a second that goes by that you are not on my mind. I hope you, Kodi and Boscoe are all playing with eachother and loving eachother. The memories of this terrible day will never leave me but the great memories of you always bring a smile to my face. I know I have said it many times but I want to thank you because it is you guys that saved my life. I would not be here if it werent for you. You gave me more than any human could. I wish you would come and see me sometime. I would give anything for that. I know we will all be together again someday, and that is what I hold on to. I wish you would have met Nicky and Tonka. Tonka is so much like you but no where near as big. He has the same personality. I always say that you sent him because he is so much like you. I cound never explain how much you mean to me but I believe you know. I love you and miss you always.
Love, Daddy
October 8, 2012
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello baby, how are you? Happy Birthday. I hope you had a great birthday with all your friends and family. I miss you so much. I wish I were able to be with you for your birthday but I believe you are always with me. I feel as though you still protect me like you always did. Time is really going fast, it feels like yesterday that you were here. Nicky and Tonka are doing great, Tonka is so much like you. Is it becoming a big boy. I did not think he would become as big as he is. You would have loved them. Things here have been a little rough lately, mommy is sick but getting better. It has been a rough year but we will get through it. I cant begin to tell you how much I miss you. I know you know that and I know we will be together again. I look forward to being with my babies again. I Miss You and Love You FOREVER!
Love, Daddy
January 23, 2013
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello baby, how are you? I hope you are doing great. Today is 6 years ago you left me and I still cant believe it. Time does not heal all wounds. It still kills me that you are gone. You were always there for me and helped me through some of the worst times of my life. I wish people around me understood truly how I feel. I believe that most just dont care. I remember when I used to talk to you and it was as though you always gave me your undivided attention, listening to my every word. When you left me a part of me died. Not a second goes by that I do not think of you. I know someday we will all be together again and that is what I hold onto. I know you are with your son Kodi and little Boscoe. I hope you guys are all having fun and waiting for me, Nicky and Tonka. We are family. I miss you and love you forever.
Love, Daddy
October 6, 2013
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello baby, Happy Birthday. I hope you are having a great day with Kodi, Boscoe and all your friends. I wish I were with you to celebrate it but I am here and you are with me every second. I miss you so much and think about you every single day. We talk about you all the time. I know I have said it so many times but I want to thank you again. I believe with every bit of my heart that you and Kodi saved my life. It has not been the same since you left. Please stand over mommy and protect her and give her the strength to beat this. Please do for her what you did for me. You are and always will be my baby. I would give anything to touch you one more time. I miss and love you with all my heart. I LOVE YOU.
Love, Daddy
January 23, 2014
Dear My Baby Niko,
Hello baby, how are you? I hope you are great and with your friends and happy. I sat and thought about how long it has been since you left me. I cant believe it is 7 years. I went over and over that day in my head. It still kills me and never leaves my mind. My heart breaks every second of every day. I know I always say it to you but you saved my life. I wish I was able to have done that for you. I believe I did my best and hope you had the best life possible. I could never explain how much I miss you. Life is more tough now then ever and I wish everyday it will get better but it gets worse. I have Nicky and Tonka here and they make it great for me. Other than that it sucks. I look forward to being with you again soon. When we are all together again, it will truly be great. I miss you and love you with all of my heart. I LOVE YOU.
Love, Daddy



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