Memories of Phantom
Phantom was an exceptional cat. He was given to me at a time when I felt very low. I think I laughed at his antics for that entire first winter. He put a smile on my face again. Phantom loved life. I can see him racing across the yard, when I whistled to him. He greeted me each night at the door, howling for me to attend to him in some way. He learned some tricks :to sit up and beg, give high fives and shake hands. He somehow taught himself to knock on the door, when he wanted to go out. He would back up to the door and shake his leg against it three times, always three times. He used to run into the family room and look at us with a wild eyed stare, then jump in the air, making a funny little bloop, bloop noise and race out the door and down the stairs. He would come through the house(in the middle of the night sometimes) and be meowing frantically. He would have his favorite pink ball for me to throw down the stairs. Eventually his pink ball would end up under a cabinet and he would sit in the corner until, I moved the cabinet, so he could fetch the balls. Sometimes we'd get down together on the floor and pick all the balls out from under it the cabinet. Although many would not agree with this, he somehow taught himself to stop at the street and watch for cars. I couldn't believe ,it when I saw it. Yes, I let him outside. He loved the outdoors. We used to take walks at night. He would follow along in the bushes going and coming home he would run up the sidewalk in front of me. Once he got chased up a tree and was swaying in a fork of a branch. When we tried to reach up to get him, he jumped. It looked like he was a flying squirrel. He was fine, though. He used to play with a certain squirrel that visited our yard. He didn't know what fighting was. He thought all the cats who visited out yard were going to be his playmates. Phantom had a big heart, he also had cancer. I started noticing a change in him over the last summer. I thought he was slowing down a little due to his age. Just after Christmas ,he developed a severe upper respiratory infection and cancer was found then, too. He never really got well. I had promised him I would never "put him to sleep." Last night I broke my promise. I felt that I had no choice. He was so weak. It took every effort for him to eat and drink. When I first got phantom,he would crawl under my chin to sleep. Last night, he lay under my chin, in my arms and quietly drifted away. I will miss him always. He was my heart.
2/11/06 Hey BooBoo! Two weeks have gone by without you greeting at the door or curling up on my ankles. I miss your soft fur and deep eyes. I hope you are warm where you are. I hope you can play in the sunshine. I hope you have found Lillian. She will have a string for you to play with and all the treats you beg for. Be at peace little boy. You gave a lot of love here, just being you. Did you know, I think you are the only Phantom at the Rainbow Bridge. You are one of a kind. I know you don't want me to be sad or lonely. I'm trying to not be. I'm trying to love on Sandy and Rusty. They miss you, too. Rusty does all the tricks you taught him. Sandy greets me every morning just like you did. They have just started to race through the house again. It was so quiet around here for awhile. No one lays in your spot on the bed. I love you Furball. This has all been so tragic as you didn't deserve to get sick. You gave your heart to everyone and everything you did. I wish you could have had a long cozy life, but God had other plans for you. I'll never understand, but I'm trying. I love you, I love you, I love you
I was driving home tonight after a hard day and realized you couldn't greet me. I wished I could touch your soft, warm fur. I sat in the car a few and looked at your photo. I walked in the house and Rusty and Sandy came to meet me. They never do that and they did tonight. Did you do that? I swear you are my guardian angel even now and I just realized tonight that it is possible. I was wishing you could play in the yard as its getting warmer. I went for a walk last night and wished you could have gone too. Ill miss our night walks. You were everywhere I was for eleven years. I hope the ache goes away someday. I am sorry I had you put to sleep as I cannot resolve it in my thinking. I am so sorry I could not help you. You gave everything to me and I wasnt able to help you get better. You were so sick and starving to death that no one could help. You would have had to go through many painful procedures that wouldnt have made you well anyway. I wish I would have been able to control my emotions that night. I did pretty well, but I wish I would have let you say goodbye a little more and taken you for a walk. I could have carried you. I wish many things could have been different, but they were what they were. I have to believe its better for you now, because there wasnt anything to be done about the cancer. Sandy is here sitting 5 feet away from me like you used to do. She never did that before, but now that your gone its strange as she does several things like you. I never encouraged her so it must be you. Thanks BooBoo. I love you I love you I love you.
3/13/06 Phantom, my heart is still broken. I am trying to remember the good memories, but I keep seeing you weak and sick.
I sat on the porch tonight. Rusty was having so much fun watching the birds and people. I wanted you to be there, because you loved the porch so much. I looked over and no one was sitting in your little favorite spot between the wicker flower holder and the window. It was just an empty spot. I wish you could have been there to enjoy the spring air, sights and sounds. I just want to undo this. Can't you just come back and well I know you cannot. I hope you are really able to have a good life in heaven. I hope someday I will really see you again and you really will run to me. I'll whistle and I can just see you race across the yard to me. Rusty was wanting someone to play with the other night and he was so lonely, because Sandy doesn't play the way you and Rusty used to play. He misses you, too. Sandy sits at the window and looks out at your grave as if she knows. She still looks for you on your spot ont he bed. They both need extra love as they miss you so much. We all love you and miss you so much. I don't think the heartache will ever leave. Nothing helps-I hope you have more peace than I do. I know you wanted to live as you loved life. I am so sorry you got cancer. You are so precious, my little boy, my little Furball. I peeked under the cabinet the other day and there was your favorite pink ball. I was so glad to find it, I tucked it away in a box of your things that I am saving.
I love you, I love you , I love you, goodnight BooBoo.
3/19/06 Hello BooBoo Been thinking about you a lot. I see you everywhere as if you are watching over me. I think you are. I think of the beautiful love you gave and I try to give it to everyone I have contact with. That will be the part of you that lives on. You were here a very short time but your impact on my life was huge. You saved my life. You made me love and laugh again. You will always be in my heart to remind me to help others to laugh and love. You are my gentle little jellicle cat.
I love you I love you I love you
4/24/06 We buried you under the lilac tree. I remember how you loved to run up it in the spring and sit in the brances with that wild look in your eyes. You loved springtime. I remember how you liked to dig in the grass with your front paws and chase invisible bugs. I can see you everywhere, walking your territory along the stone wall and across the garden then across all the front porches and back to you log pile. We all miss you so much. We miss you kissing the flowers and trees as you meander through the garden. I planted some pansies for you and mom planted some wild flowers and hung a little cat above you grave. I wish you could feel the wind and warm sun. I wish you could smell the glorious spring air. I wish you were here. I love you BooBoo. I love you I love you I love you
5/19/06 Phantom you are still my little boy. I still wish you would come back. I know thats impossible and so life here goes on. Sandy and Rusty miss you. Sandy still looks for you to chase her. Sometimes I say to her Wheres Phantom and she gets all excited and looks and looks. The other day she finally laid in your spot on the bed. It took all this time. We all miss you and always will as there will never be a cat quite like you. I remembered that day we spent in the garden last spring. It is one of my favorite days with me weeding and you playing near by-hiding in the grass jumping out at me going and coming and laying in the weeds as i pulled them. I do know that everytime we leave the house we dont have to watch the door for you to fly out. We can even leave the door open when we carry in the groceries. You were such an escape artist. You loved the outdoors so much. I am so sorry you arent here to enjoy the spring. I think of the good memories more these days. I remember one day fondly when you were sick. I was typing and you laid in your bed with your head on the rim and watched me all afternoon. I remember another day when you were sick. You looked into my soul that day. I felt as if you were saying that you had to go-that you were too weak-that you didnt want to die but you were going to and couldnt do anything about it "im just too sick " you were saying-but mostly "i dont want to die-I love life so much-please make this go away" at the same time you were saying this is the way its going to be it cant be helped. I put a basket of pansies on your grave both virtually and inactuality. I know you love flowers so enjoy them and thank you for being my cat for those eleven years. My life was so rich having a special little guy like you around. I love you BooBoo I love you I love you I love you shhhh..................
6/08/06 Phantom been thinking about you a lot this week. I gave you a mouse and a charm. I cleaned the Cat Garden, too. We were sitting in the yard tonight and I saw you walking along the stones and making v pats all over the yard. I saw you jumping for bugs. You were having so much fun. Sandy and Rusty do so many things that you taught them and that reminds me of you every day. Today I was making breakfast and Rusty sat up and begged for some as I walked by. Yes, he learned that from you, buddy. Sandy hopped up on your chair and rolled around to get my attention. Yes, that was one of your tricks, too. I will always miss you and wish for you. I still cannot believe you are gone. You had so much life in you. It doesnt make sense that you are dead. There I said it BooBoo and I still cannot believe it. I miss your soft, soft fur. I miss your games and tricks. I miss you knocking on the door and standing in the door to say goodbye. I see your little mouth saying meow as I go to work with your little head peaking over the window ledge. We had so much fun just being. I remember when you ran up into the tree and flew out and I was so worried something happened to you, that tree was 20 feet tall! Then you meandered up to me and rolled over on your back and rolled around looking at me like arent I clever! I was so mad at you and so relieved that you were ok. You looked just like a flying squirrel when you jumped out of that tree. I remember you dragging photos around the house. You loved to steal photos and that crazy rocking horse that was bigger than you were and youd drag it around growling and acting like you caught something wonderful. I remember how I had to teach you not to attack my feet as your claws got sharper and bigger. Then sometimes Id let you grab my feet and bite them, but always gently and then when you got too rough youd stop and lick as if to say you were sorry. You were a smart guy.
I remember when I hid your toys and you always looked in the last place I hid them before finding the new spot. I remember how you would try to open doors like I did by turning the handle, but you were just too short and couldnt understand the turning part. It took you so long to figure out how cats open doors. I love thinking about all the things you amazed with, but actually I think you came to live with me when you were a bit too young and you tried to learn by watching me. You never got the idea of being agressive with other cats. You just wanted to play and would come home with your tail between you legs many times. You never learned what to do with any mice you caught. You just walked around in circles with them. Yes, I think 41/2 weeks was a bit too young. But I loved you so much and I know you loved me. I can see you laying in your bed watching me, never taking your eyes off me that last week. I was writing bills and you just watched me the entire time. I wish we could have had a longer time, but your memories will go on and on in my heart forever. I love you, I love you, I love you I whisper in you ear.
8/31/06 I miss you. Rusty did all the tricks you taught him. I really needed you yesterday. I always felt better when I could hug you and snuggle you. I walked around the garden where we used to take our walk. I could almost see you trotting beside me on the stones and then ducking under the tiger lilies and peeking under the fence. I found a lovely stone for the cat garden. It says something about tears and building a staircase to heaven and climbing to heaven and bringing you home. Thats how I feel. I still want you back. I just want you back. You are my precious little buddy. I feel cheated out of a few years with you. I am so thankful you were with me for those 12 years. What a big hearted and clever little guy you were. I wish everyone could know just how neat you were. I love you BooBoo. I love you I love you I love you.
12/25/06 Phantom, Christmas is here and I miss you following me all day, checking every package, and sneaking down to open you stocking gifts. You truly loved Christmas and the other cats just went and hid all day. It is so quiet around here without you. I tried to release your spirit, but I cannot. I tried to replace you, but learned I cannot. However, I know I need to fill this empty spot in my heart. I almost did with a little jellicle like you. His name was Tobie. Someone else got him before I could. I am heart broken. But when I held him it felt so good,but not like you. Then I realized I cannot replace you, just fill my emptiness. Someday I will have many black and white cats just I have always wanted. None will replace you though. I gave all my time to my family this Christmas. It is the way I can honor your unconditional love. I simpy pass it on. Thank you for walking through life with me awhile. Ill see you at the Rainbow Bridge someday. You will see me and come running across the grass just as you did in this life. We will snuggle and you will purr and rub and then you will crawl under my chin and lay your head on my shoulder forever. I love you. I love you. I love you.
1/22/07Phantom, one year has gone by and I miss you. I will always miss you. I have learned a few things lately. Your love can be shared with everyone I have contact with. I cannot replace you. I have an empty place in my heart that needs filled, though. I learned this by meeting a very special cat named Tobie. I wanted to give him a home, but by the time I knew I could, he had a home. I realized filling the empty spot in my heart was not the same as trying to replace you. I could never do that. You are gone for now. You wont come back. I will always miss you. You were the best little buddy. This week is going to be rough. I think about the cancer and how I could have prenvented it. Did I use some cleaning agent that caused it. Did I allow you to investigate too much and explore too much. Did you get into some poison at a neighbors. Why did I have a sense of not having you for very long for almost 2 years before you died. Why did I feel I had to let you be spoiled as your life would be shortened. I dont know why I can have these feelings and not act to prevent the future from playing out. why didnt i act on the little changes of your behavior. Why did I let others tell me it was just your age catching up with you. I am so sorry for letting you down by not acting on the things that were right in front of me. I am so sorry for trying to keep you alive for at least 2 weeks longer than you should have lived. I am sorry for breaking my promise not to put you to sleep. I know there was no other way. I know this. I know you understand because you told me that one afternoon that you laid in your sick bed and didnt take your eyes off me for 2 hours. I know when on that day I looked into your eyes and saw your soul and heared you saying that you could not go on. That you wanted to live but you could not. There is so much wonderful to remember about you and I dont want to go on about the bad.
Rusty found your other pink ball last week and has been playing with it just like you. He loves it. You and your pink balls! You wouldnt play with red or green ones just the pink ones. Sandy started jumping up on your chair to beg for treats. It took her a long time to pick up on that. I guess she watches Rusty do it. I love that they do so many of the things you started. They watched you and copied you. Now I get to enjoy some of the things you originated. You were an original that is for sure. You blessed my life so much. You filled it with laughter. You gave unconditional love, so trusting and so sure I would be there for you. I did my best. I loved you deeply. I have wonderful memories and stories of you. Thank you for being my cat and my buddy. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Goodnight BooBoo. 6/04/07 Phantom I miss you little buddy. Mom was sick so I haven't been here for awhile. She is doing better.I wish you had gotten well. I wish you could have seen the spring and summer and felt the warm sun on you. We didn't make it, I'm so sorry buddy. I can't take it back now. I just love you and the memory of you now. I saw a whole cage of little you at the shelter yesterday. I wanted all of them. I just love black and white cats like you. None are you and none can replace you. I just love black and white spotted cats. It makes me feel good. Jellicle, jellicle, jellicle cats! I love you Booboo. I love you I love you I love you.
Phantom, I miss you little boy. It is Christmas time which you loved so much. I will think about you when I get out the tissue paper and decorate the tree and hang the cat stockings.
Sandy and Rusty miss you too. They have become very talkative as you were. Rusty still misses his play buddy. He gets bored sometimes and races all over the house like you used to do. Sandy lays on my lap every night now. I wish it was you. I love you little guy. I love you I love you I love you. 11/23/07
Dear Booboo(1/20/08)Your 2nd year at the Rainbow Bridge and I am still missing you. Sandy has become a happy little girl. She races around the house with Rusty and they take naps together. I found a stray kitten, but I decided I could not keep her and found her a wonderful home. All is good here. It would be better with you here, too. I have to love Sandy as much as possible as she is getting really old now. I know she won't be with me here on earth much longer. I am so prepared for her last days. Thank you for teaching me. It's so bitter cold here and you would not like it at all. Spring is around the corner, though. This next week is sad for me as I think about 2 years ago. I do love deeper and care more sincerely because of you dear boy, my dear little guy. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Phantom, It was Friday night six years ago, when I said goodbye. Sandy is still with me at 20 years! She is a little daffy now, howls all the time. We have Riley now. He is a buddy just like you. You would like playing with him, but the other cats do not. I miss you little friend and always will. 1/27/12
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