Welcome to Puck's Rainbow Residency

Memories of Puck

5/30/2007 The day I let you go The saddest word a human can ever say is the final goodbye to somebody whom you loved as deeply as I loved you, my boy. As long as I live each second of that dreadful day will follow me like the darkest shadow. After almost fourteen years of wonderful symbiosis and friendship our fairy tale was coming to its end, and no matter how hard I had tried there was nothing I could do to prevent it. We shared such a perfect world of understanding and companionship and it just didn't seem fair I had to be the one to take that terrible decision. It was I who loved you the most that arranged where and when your life was to be ended. There was no other way, Pucky. I had no choice; you were so very tired, your body barely functioning, you were clinging to life only because of me. I had to do it for your sake and also for mine. I realized that you were ready to go but wouldn't because you knew how terrible impact your loss would have on my life. I was your mami,you trusted me that it was up to me to choose the right moment to release you of your pain. They say euthanasia is the final gift of love for someone whom you love dearly and whom you don't want to suffer, but still I felt like an executioner when I called that number. I kept asking myself how shall I live my life without you, without your devotion, without the purity of your unconditional love. How shall I cope with so many challenges without you being around? Was it worth living at all? Yet that was not a moment to think about myself, but only of you, darling. Because I could see you were ready to go. I told the vet that I wanted you to pass away at our home, surrounded by people you loved. My whole body was shaking when all arrangements had been finally made. I fell on my knees; I took you in my arms, begging you for forgiveness, pleading for miracle, fighting in vain with tears as I didn't want you to know what I had done. But you knew, Pucky, your canine instinct told you that in a few hours you would be setting off for that last journey, leaving me behind. You knew and didn't blame me; you just lifted your sweet golden head while my eyes were brimming with tears and to comfort me you gently licked them, one by one, and I felt such desperation and grief it seemed like I was falling in abyss of darkness with no way of escape. I wanted to explain to you how deeply sorry I was, but no words came out, we just lay there incapable of moving. I will never forget those moments we spent alone until the rest of our family joined us. We were both dying in a way. It is still too hard to remember how brave you were, my beautiful boy, how hard you were trying to spare me of that devastating feeling of guilt, how you would do anything to make me feel better, to reassure me I did the right thing, how for the last time your tired body miraculously strengthened so that you could follow me from room to room, not daring to leave me alone for fear I would try to do something irrational that your caring heart wouldn't allow to accept. Temptation was hard, indeed, for you were my everything, you were my world, my soul mate, my better half, my beautiful child. You lay in my arms when she injected sedative to make you calm. But you were completely calm, I was right there, holding your beautiful head in my lap, your exhausted body didn't resist, your eyes were closed while listening to my ultimate farewell words I gently whispered into your ears. When the vet took out another syringe, my reason completely let me down, I almost yelled at her, I wanted her to go, suddenly she became our enemy, I looked at her with such hatred in my eyes that she understood and gave us some more time. But I couldn't postpone it for much longer, I was afraid that you were becoming impatient of all that prolonging, I felt you were ready to go, so I let her do her job. After some moments my sons hugged me saying you had already left peacefully, but how were they to know that you would never leave me without embracing me with one more proof of your devotion and selfless love. You suddenly lifted your head and looked straight at my face. For a moment your beautiful and still warm eyes locked with mine, I felt the time stopped, I heard the vet gasped for the air, I held you closer to my heart, I told you that you were not going alone, that part of me was leaving with you, and then, while the rest of the world kept walking without missing a step, the earth stopped moving for both of us. I felt your taking your last breath, I realized I lost you, and at that moment we both died, you physically and myself emotionally. They say that true love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. And that was what our special and unique bond was like. Without talking we guessed each others needs and wishes. You always knew how to make me laugh and you always knew how to comfort me. Whenever I got stressed out, all you had to do was to put your paw on my leg or lick my face. And in an instant I calmed down, feeling all was well with the world. You also taught me so much. You made my eyes see and not just look, you made my ears hear and not only listen, you made my words true and not false, you made my heart compassionate and not ignorant. You taught me about loyalty and trust. Every value, belief and wisdom I have, I owe it to you. You taught me many things over the years, but those I value the most are trust, loyalty, honour, respect and the ability to empathize with others less fortunate. My beautiful boy, tell me how I am to face future without you by my side, how to move on if I feel my legs are chained to the ground. Love for humans is so much easier, a child grows up and grows away, people you used to love become too familiar, imperfect and taken for granted. But your love was so fulfilling and so deep, not because it was manageable but because it was so easy to be reciprocated. You were so much more than just my beloved pet, you were my faithful companion, my protector, my guardian, my best friend, and you were my youngest son. And there is no bigger pain than when one loses a child. When we lose a parent we lose our history but when we lose a child we lose our future. Without you I still see no future, there is nothing I would be really looking forward to, just emptiness and that terrible emotional void in my heart. I love and miss you so much, Puck. I don't know how many roads and paths are still waiting for me to walk, but at the end all of them will lead to one. I know that while passing it I will hear your sweet doggie voice calling - it's time mami, come. And without any fear or hesitation I will close my eyes and join you forever. The day after - Rainbow I never shared with anybody, including my own sons, what happened that afternoon, but now I think I am due to let it out because of my many friends across that ocean to remind them that this wonderful site wasn't created without a purpose. I was standing at the window, my heart barely beating. It was a sunny day suddenly turning into a brief shower, I could hear raindrops hitting the glass, but I didn't pay any attention. I kept looking onto the garden where we had spent so much time, I working and you barking at anyone who would want to approach us. All I could think was that I lost the most precious being in my life and that there was no way to bring you back. Suddenly the sun reappeared and its rays struck raindrops in the air. And a few moments later the rainbow came. It spread over the sky in its many magnificent colours, its shape of a long round arch and its two ends reaching beyond the horizon. I read once that in the ancient past people considered this wonderful phenomena of colours as a bridge which the gods passed while leaving the earth on their way home to the sky. No wonder that at that moment for me it was a miracle. Love and despair often make people do most irrational things, sometimes your own mind reacts in a way your common sense would otherwise refuse. I still don't remember and probably never will what happened then. I just know that I was sitting at my computer desk, subconsciously hitting the letters on keyboard. I always considered myself as a reasonable person, but still I typed these words to yahoo: "Rainbow, where is my dog?" The first site that appeared in front of my eyes read as "rainbowsbridge". Still not realizing what I was looking for I opened it and when I saw it was a memorial site for pets I was rather amazed. I had never had the slightest idea there were any pet loss sites on the Internet. I had never planned or even thought about making you a memorial, Pucky, the mere idea just woudn't occur to me. First I read the Rainbows Bridge poem and cried. Reading page by page made me more and more confused with such a coincidence. There were so many stories about other pets whose parents were grieving in the same way I was. At that time my doubts were still at high level, my faith very vague and elusive. I had never believed in heaven or afterlife, I never believed in one absolute truth, my attitude to life and death was purely pragmatic, my stoicism based on life facts. But something in my mind changed, I repeatedly started asking myself if it was really just a mere coincidence that brought me to this site. After another sleepless night I finally made decision. I e-mailed Ginny, she kindly answered me back and in a few hours you got this resting home, which, if only virtual, means so much to me. It is here that I have finally found some peace; it's here where I have met so many wonderful people, who understand me because they have been going through similar pain. But it was only much later that slowly, step by step, I realized that it was actually you who brought me here, it was you who made me put those words to the rainbow. Your kind heart just wouldn't stand your mami being in such a desperate state of mind. You knew that there were no such sites in our country and as I later found out very few in Europe. It was really the first sign I got from you, Puck, you wanted me to know that our bond had never broken, that you were still there for me and that I could count on you whenever I feel the need. And it was then that I started asking myself if my previous views were not basically shattered that very day. I do have much more faith now, I began to believe that there has to be more than just life and death. And I do firmly believe, my boy, that one day I will see you again. Thirteen months apart It's late at night now and I am still working. The deadline is approaching and I have to hurry if we want to bring our special cause closer, the way I promised you and those animals in our woods. From time to time, when my eyes get tired, I take a break and go to the window. The night is silent, people around are asleep, so it's just our music, my work, and high above a vast darkness of space. I look at the sky full of stars, wondering where you are. The sky has always fascinated me, it is so awesome, diverse, mysterious, always promising of knowledge for those who think deeper. Hundreds and hundreds stars are visible tonight; they come in different coulour and age. The more I look at them the more I can picture the shapes that the ancients saw when naming different constellations. Each of them is individual in its way, with its own personality but what makes a star really unique is its brightness. It takes a while before I find that special little twinkling star, its shape reminds me of a doggie and suddenly I feel that warmth in my heart, thinking it may well be my boy, saying hello to his sad mami. And watch over me , darling. I really need you so much now. I need your encouragement and inspiration more than ever if I want to finish my work in time so that we can make the first steps. So be there for me always, my beloved golden boy. And never forget how much your mami loves you. 7/30/2008 Fourteen months have passed, my beautiful boy, and still it is this heartbreak all over again. Time may have moved on, but my love for you remains the same, I still feel I live in denial, there is still that terrible void in my heart. I still long for your physical presence, I still need you by my side, I still need to pat your silken coat and I still miss so much that devotion in your eyes. But what I have been missing the most is the power of your love. You were unique, Pucky, I have never known any dog like you. You were indeed exceptional and so gentle. I know why you brought my attention to little Mac. It was the same as with that rainbow the day after I had lost you. You trusted me that I would try my best to help this tortured doggie not to be forgotten. You knew so well that once I start I do not stop. You knew that I would do my best to oppose the unjust law system. You knew when it comes to the weak and abused I can cry and fight at the same time. After all it was you who taught me so many life lessons, you were my best teacher and advisor, you showed me the way how to deal with deepest emotions, but you also showed me how to manage my hatred and how to resist the wish for revenge and to rather react with reason and self control. You trusted me I would be Mac's voice as he can't speak for himself. I love you so much and I am so proud of you, you were and still are my inspiration, my reason to live on and fight for those less fortunate than you. I have told you so many times how much you changed my life, but I don't remember if I have ever thanked you. Thank you for giving me faith, thank you for your loyalty and trust, but most of all thank you for loving me the way you did. Until I join you will remain my greatest love of all, my very heart and soul, my beautiful son. I have found out long ago that people are just like passing ships; they come and go from our lives, while you remain my constant companion, my faithful friend, the only one I can really lean on when I need strength. Our love is eternal and I will forever praise God for His most valuable and blessed gift - YOU, my boy!!! 8/30/2008 Another month has passed, Pucky. One more month I had to spend on this earth without your love and comfort. Those dreadful moments when I held you in my arms for the last time will never ever fade away. I hope you felt how much I wanted to go with you, I saw no purpose to live on without you being by my side. I do love you so much Pucky, I never thought there could be so much love in one's heart. You are here whatever I do or wherever I go, but I feel you the most in our woods. I wish so much I could spend more time there, but you know I have to work. Sometimes I think the work is the only thing that keeps me sane, because now I know that there will be no closure for us, the bond we shared is unbreakable, the kind of love I feel for you happens only once in a life. I love and miss you so much, I really don't know how to go on without you by my side. Take special care of Mac, Pucky, he needs both of us. 9/30/2008 Sixteen months today, my beloved Puck. Sixteen months and still it seems like it was yesterday. I still feel so lost without you, there is no time healing for us and no closure. I hope you know by now that nobody and nothing can ever replace you, you are and remain my greatest love, my faithful companion, my very best friend. When I walk little Mac on the paths we walked once I feel such terrible pain in my heart it leaves me breathless. Even if we are not physically together anymore, our hearts and souls have never really parted. I will be forever grateful for you being such an integral part of my life. I will keep my promise, Pucky,I will live my future in deeds, not years, I will direct all my attention towards animals in need, only by doing this I can feel I will live my life to the fullest until I join you one day. Rest peacefully, my beautiful boy and never forget how much your mami loves and misses you. Pucky, prosim povej tvojemu bratu Exu da mi je tako zelo zal, konco sem bila tudi njegova mami. 10/30/ 2008 Seventeen months and a day ago you sent me that rainbow, Puck, that brought us both here, to this site. Despite many doubts and in spite that I used to a priori refuse in believing in any form of miracles I somehow feel now it was a visualised omen of God's good will, a sign that I too should join true animal lovers who are reaching their hands out to those less fortunate and voiceless who so desperately need us to speak in their names. This morning, when I walked Mac, you sent me another sign, and this time there was no physical reason for it. There it was again, the beautiful rainbow above our house. This time I believe the rainbow wanted me to talk about love, the love I feel for you, my boy. There is only one kind of true love, but there are so many different versions. We feel love for humans who are important to us, we feel love out of inner profound emotions, the love that gives us a deepening sense of who we really are, the love out of tenderness, gentleness, compassion.... But the love the two of us share is more specific and unique, it is like an old tree still growing, it is so deeply rooted that no life storms and no evil spirits could ever destroy. Whatever comes in the future, even if the roots of our love will be affected by bad moments, by more pain and strife, we both know the bond we feel will stand the test of whatever comes. You are so far away now, Pucky, and yet still so near. With every breath I take and for as long as I live I will visualise you in every star in the sky, every flower in the meadows, in all the voices in the wind and in each of billions of raindrops on the edge of the rainbow you keep sending to me. I can't touch your beautiful red coat anymore, but I can feel you inside. And until I join you one day, I have no choice but to accept this, I know for the time being I couldn't ask for more. Rest in peace, my beloved dog, I imagine you in your new world, where, as one of my favourite songs says, the grass is greener, the light is brighter, the nights are full of wonder, where all you feel is hope, peace and my longing for you. mami 11/23/1993 - 11/23/2008 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BELOVED BOY What I remember on this day, fifteen years later, is the call from one of my favourite students telling me that a very beautiful canine lady gave birth to a golden red puppy and that he would like to honour me by giving it to me as a coming Christmas present. I never thought of having a dog, I was surprised, still I couldn't say no as I knew this smart young man so well, he was such a refreshing change among the others and I truly enjoyed so much our debates and his genuine desire to learn more than just basic things about France, its language and its culture. Some weeks later you came to my home. The very first look at your funny puppy face made my heart melt and my life has never been the same again. It's so hard to put in words about the special bond we shared, so I will just say I owe you so much, Pucky. I know I should celebrate your birth today, I know that by now I should have cherished all blessed moments we spent together but somehow sorrow over your loss still prevails and wouldn't allow me to treasure what I had but reminds me of what I had lost. I am still watching your videos through the film of tears, Puck, I still can't erase from my mind those last minutes you spent in my arms setting off for you last journey and the void I have been feeling ever since. Because it is still here, the silence, the stillness, the tremendous emptiness in my heart. My grief over your loss is like infinity, the past eighteen months have seemed to move like in slow motion, each single day is a trial, what used to be so easy in the past is so much harder now. But I am trying, Puck, I am trying as much as I can, I am doing what is in my power to keep my last promise to you, and I am trying to stand firm even when many others falter. For some reason you choose the most spectacular communication from beyond, you keep sending me rainbows. When I really feel down the rain comes accompanied by a storm and when a thunder echoes finally die I smile, because I know it will appear soon, that magnificent arch of colours, your eternal message to me that all is well with you, encouraging me not to give up. And out of void comes the guiding light, a rainbow door to heaven. I know you can't come back to me, so I will keep walking towards that mystical realm where you are now, where I know that you are safe and have no fear. I love you so much my beloved dog, there is no human and no doggie who could change that. You are and will always be my greatest love, my very special boy. mami 25th December, 2008 My beloved boy Here I am sitting, looking at pictures of our town, remembering our walks up to the castle and how would you run down the hill and I feel such a great sadness I can hardly breathe. I tried, Pucky, I really tried this year, we put up the tree, we decorated our home and lit the lights but there is no feeling of Christmas spirit anymore. Without you being with me nothing is worth anymore. I love you my dog, I hope you are having better time in heaven. I wish you and little Mac a very Merry Christmas, please take good care of him. We will be going to the woods next week, just for two days, and hopefully they will bring me back some peace and return my strength. Love and miss you so much, nobody could ever replace you. mami NEW YEAR EVE 2008 This day is already coming short and in a few hours it will hold out its hand to a new one. We will be there Puck, in our woods together. There are still so many who do not understand. I am not looking for the sunshine, I don't reach for the sky or for the world with its endless riches, all I wish is to be with you again. This year or tomorrow's year, my love for you remains the same. 5/30/2009 Two years today We spent that last sleepless night alone, I desperately trying to choke down both screams and tears, my heart cracking in agony, filled with that suffocating pain,while you were lying there, right next to me, half dosing half awake and I watched you, your beautiful body so rapidly robbed of its canine dignity and pride. Still I searched for some signs of improvement, praying that our battle is not over yet, thinking there had to be some other options we may have overlooked. You sighed and I knelt and took your head in my arms, your soft and always so comforting eyes locked with mine in that silent communication so typical of us, I heard myself whispering in despair. - I can't, Puck. I can't do it, not yet, give me some more time. I kissed you gently, hoping for miracle but there was none. You lay so tired and weary in my lap with your amber eyes following me sadly. I heard your low sigh and I knew what you were thinking.. - The time has come, mami. No one can help me anymore. The sky was bright with stars that night and I looked at them for a glimmer of hope. Why was I not given the other, more merciful choice that would allow you pass away peacefully, in sleep. For some reason God wanted me to do it, to end your life. And I was angry. Angry at Him. I had no words left, just silent tears, I wished so much for a place for hide, the very thought I was going to lose you tore me apart, but at the same time I knew I had to do it, Pucky, as I loved you so much. I knew the time had come for us to say goodbye. And there is no harder thing than letting go someone who was your life, Puck, and it never mattered to me you were a dog and I was a human. If Love is the world and the world is Love, then you were the world to me, you were my Love. Some hours later you left for your last journey and I stayed in this mortal world. I was tired, I felt like an empty shell, all my strength having been drained out of my body and mind, I repeatedly asked myself. - What did I do? How can life go on? In just short time, the world had changed, the picture of our incredible friendship already shattered and cracked, there was no point to go on. How could I hope that I would ever feel, breathe or smile or be happy again, My mind grew weak with sorrow realizing there was no way back, my best friend, my inspiration, my alter ego was gone and I will never see him again. When you are in despair there is little or no energy to find the will to move on, to find a way back to the light. I was lost in that tunnel of anguish, destined to wander aimlessly with no hope of healing of that wrenched pain. And I cried, I cried for hours, for days. I had no idea you were still there, watching me. Then that beautiful rainbow came, you made me type those words and brought me here. And I knew that our goodbye was never final, that one day we will be together again. There are so many in this sick world, Puck, who can't or won't understand why someone would talk about love to a dog or to any other animal. To love an animal the same or even more than a human is still unacceptable in our society, it makes us eccentric, ridiculous, they even question the state of our minds. How am I to explain that you were the one and not them who gave me humanity back and kept me from being "Just a person". They can't or won't understand the distance we travelled, the time we spent, the bond we shared. What I experienced with you I had never experienced with any human, no matter how close I felt to them. So I would say to all those who doubt in our common sense that life shape us in different ways, that it teaches us through different lessons. I never lacked social skills, I always took them for granted, still I would prefer to stay with you as you gave me much more than that artificial society, you taught me how to love without danger of losing myself, my own identity. You brought to my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure joy. Being just a dog you brought out my compassion and patience that made me a better person. You were my insurance against selfishness, one who understood silence, you were truer to me than myself. Love is the greatest gift God ever gave us. Love is not caring what other people think about you. Love is the one that frees us from our limitations. You taught me how to love myself as without self-love I could not know what true love is and only when one loves and respect himself he is able to share it with others. And what is even more important my feelings for you unveiled my incessant dilemma, which should I put first, heart or mind, reason or emotion. I always inclined to reason and mind, but with you I realized a bridge can be built between them both, the bridge when heart becomes master and reason its shadow but also the bridge you can always cross in other direction. So I am still not against reason. If the reason says something, I listen to it. If it goes against my heart, I feel no need to fight it. Once the mind understands the heart can become an ally - then they cooperate. I am forever thankful to you for that lesson. There are different kinds of love, but only one true love knows no fences, has no barriers or boundaries. It's difficult to define, it eludes modern measurement, and seems scientifically empty. But I know true love exists. You proved it, Puck. No, it never mattered to us that I was a human and you were a dog. If you were just a dog then I am just a human. But it was you that expanded my horizons, you broadened my mind, you made real me, you and not a human. You were the best teacher I ever had. It has been two years now and I miss you more and more,Puck. You have left me with so many memories to cherish, but my pain is still here, the time hasn't been a real healer, it only helped me adjust to living without you. Not an hour goes by that I wouldn't be thinking of you. I will never forget the time we spent together or the incredible gift you gave me just by being you. There are still unanswered questions, there are still doubts raising especially when I deal with animal abuse, but one thing I know for certain. I may not know exactly where you are but I do know that somewhere up there you are watching and waiting for me. When you need me to do something, I feel your presence and I try my best. Our special communication still functions here and beyond, it gives me the solace I still need so much. So wait for me, my beloved boy, one day soon I will be there, and I will never let you go again. I know you are taking good care of little Mac, he too is very important to me. When I come and he is not there with you I will claim him from angels. He belongs to us now, it was written in stars. 11/23/1993 - 11/23/2009 HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUCKY By some divine guidance you crossed my path just a few weeks after your birth. You loved me without questions, without a word or any promises, you enriched my life in countless ways, you helped me look upon life with more depth and less self sufficiency, you taught me about loyalty, dignity and most of all about the value of true love. You left bigger impact on my life than any other living being ever has or ever will. And then one day you left. And when you left I was completely lost in grief wondering how I could possibly move on without you being around. Again you were there for me. You sent me a rainbow as a symbol of our undying love. It was the rainbow painted with beautiful colours of rain drops that brought me hope I will be with you again. And then I knew I don't have to see or hear you, Puck, you are still here, never far away, you still guide me when I get lost, you are still taking care of your mami. I do miss you badly, Puck. Not an hour passes that you were not in my mind. The time we spent together was like a wondrous adventure that excited the very core of my being and lighted my life with pure delight. What we had can not be repeated again, no one will ever take your place. It seems like every time I turn around there is always something that reminds me of you or of things that we have done. No words can measure the joy and pleasure you gave me in those years. So many happy memories, all of them treasured, but I can't enjoy them, they are still shadowed by deep sorrow. I don't believe that grief will ever go away, my loyal friend, when I lost you I lost the Love of my life, because you and I were One and when one half is missing you are never whole again. I won't ask you if you are happy where you are now regardless the beauty that surrounds you, I know and feel you are not. The two of us will regain true happiness only when we are together again. Sleep my beautiful boy, sleep and dream, dream of the day when I join you. It can't be that long anymore. And when I come I know that you'll be there. That's all I am longing for. mami Please also visit Jessie- the unwanted horse, LAIKA DIES IN SPACE, Mac, Peppy, WHERE ELEPHANTS WEEP and WHITE DOG DOWN THE STREET.

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