My dearest Pupper,
You left us on a cold, snowy Saturday Feb 5, 2011. I knew going to the emergency vet this night we would not be bringing you home though I know you wanted to. You were hurting I could tell, Your poor body was shaking and you were breathing so hard. But you still wanted to go "bye bye" not knowing it would be your last one. I had to help you into the back seat you were so weak and hurting so bad. I stuffed my purse with tissue praying that I would not have to use any but knowing my prayers were not going to be answered this time. We waited and waited for the agonizing news of what was ailing you. Again I prayed that it was something that we could make better and again my prayers were not answered. X-rays came back that your lungs were filled with fluid and because you were very tender in your belly the vet said you belly was probably filled too. Cancer was the likely diagnosis but the fluid was hiding any ability to see if there were any tumors so she really wasnt sure. The only way to tell was to poke and prod you and you were already so scared and hurting I couldnt watch you suffer anymore. Baby girl please know I didnt want to do it. Know I prayed so hard for something to happen....anything that would mean I could take you home where I know you wanted to be. Know I couldnt watch you shake in pain and not eat and not play anymore because you were so tired. I LOVE YOU my baby girl and it was the absolute hardest decision I have ever made in my life. Please forgive me for no being able to make you better, for not doing more to save you, for not bringing you home that night. As I signed the paperwork and we walked back to the room to wait for you to come to us, I died a little with each passing minute. They brought you in to us and spread a blanket on the floor but you were so tired you just laid down between us. You were hurting so bad I could see the spasms in your belly even though you had been given something to calm you down. I watched you as the dr pushed in the medicine to make you sleep forever. The dr said it wouldnt take long. She explained all the things that could possibly happen as you passed into forever sleep but you didnt do any of those things. One deep breath and you were still. I knew then you were done fighting and that I had made the best decision though it broke my heart into pieces. Daddy cried too and I know he hurts just as bad. He didnt want to say goodbye either though he has to be strong because I am so weak.
Six days have passed and I cry every day. I put away a piece of you each day...trying to move on even though I am lost. You were my light in the darkness. ALWAYS happy to see me ALWAYS there for me. A constant prescance even when we werent in the same room. You went everywhere with me. You so loved to go "bye bye". You loved the snow and I'm gonna miss seeing you come to the door with snow all over your face. The snow is melting now and your paw prints are fading away. I dont know what I'm going to do when I cant see your precious paw prints in the snow anymore. I have been looking outside every chance I get just to see them. It hurts but I cant stop myself. I cooked dinner last night too and my "canine vacuum cleaner" wasnt there to gobble up the tidbits that had fallen on the floor. I even missed you when I went grocery shopping. I am so used to buying your food, your veggies and ground turkey and your biscuits and the occasional squeaky toy. I missed your wanting to "help" me put away the groceries when all that meant was shredding the bags. GOD BABY GIRL I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! I see you everywhere I go and in everything I do and the emptiness hurts so bad! Kitty seems to notice too that you arent coming home. She went from wroom to room today meowing as she went. You grew up with her and though she can be stubborn I know she misses you too. Remember the kitty kisses she would give you in the morning? I would say "go say morning to kitty meow", you would raise up on your front paws on the edge of the bed and she would lick your face. Zelda will be missing you too. We are going to dogsit her this coming weekend. I know she is going to look for you everywhere. She was your best doggy friend. You would play with her like you were a puppy all over again. I was hoping she would keep you young for a few more years but your poor body just couldnt keep up with your spirit. I dont know what I am going to do now. I dont have the brightest spot in my life anymore. Coming home and walking in the door is pure torture. You used to get so excited when you ssw either me or Daddy walk thru that door. We could be gone 3 hours or only 15 minutes....you showed us the same excitement regardless. I will NEVER forget that. My one and only baby girl how do I go on without you? How do I face the day with you not greeting me each morning? How am I going to go to bed and sleep knowing I will never say "lets go night night baby girl" ever again? You were such a ENORMOUS part of my life that I will never be the same without you.
I need you to send me an angel, baby girl. Some sign that you know I love you and think about you every single minute of the day. Send me something to help me get through this because I am dying inside. Is that too selfish of me? I need to know you are happy and healthy and looking down on me and missing me as much as I miss you. I need to know that you will be waiting for me when my time comes and we will cross Rainbow Bridge together. I'm so sorry baby girl that I am asking these things of you. I will be ok eventually so please just be the puppy I know you can be and if you think of me every now and then with love I will be content. I was just so unprepared for this. I never thought I could hurt this bad. Knowing you are in God's protection now will get me through until I see you again. I dedicate the song below to you because you are my angel. I love you Pupper! You will always be my one and only baby girl! I will be waiting for you......"Waiting On an Angel"
by Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come to see me soon
Cause I dont want to go alone
I dont want to go alone
Now angel won't you come by me
Angel hear my plea
Take my hand and lift me up
So that I can fly with thee
So that I can fly with thee
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won't be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angel's arms
So speak kind to a stranger
Cause you'll never know
It just might be an angel come
Knockin' at your door
Knockin' at your door
And I'm waiting on an angel
And I know it won't be long
To find myself a resting place
In my angel's arms
In my angels arms
Waiting on an angel
One to carry me home
Hope you come and see me soon
Cause I don't want to go alone
I don't want to go alone
Don't want to go
I don't want to go alone
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Sunday 2-13-11
My precious baby girl Pupper,
Today we brought your ashes home. Its been 7 days since you left us and the pain is still overwhelming more often than not. I think about you ALL the time and I still cry whenever I cant contain the empty ache I feel. You are now home, baby girl, and I hope that means that I can start to heal but I know it will be a very long time before I dont want to fall to my knees and beg God to bring you back to me. You have received so many wonderful messages from these amazing people that visit your memorial. Their words are a comfort to me and lighten ache in my heart. Tomorrow is Valentines Day and we will be celebrating with our traditional Valentines dinner with Zack and Kristy. Kristy misses you so much too! She came over to say goodbye that HORRIBLE night though I tried my best to deny it was time. Baby girl, mommy and daddy miss you so much!!!!! The house just isnt the same without you. Kitty even feels it too. Its so hard to move on without you....like I'm moving in slow motion....but the minutes keep ticking by. The snow is all melted and I do not have your paw prints to stare at out the back door. I want them back. I want you back. I have read its not healthy to want you back in my life so much, that it hinders the healing process, but I cant help it. I try to focus on how happy you are in God's arms and He is now your protector not me, my time has passed and His has begun. And I say THANK YOU every night in my prayers that he picked me to be your mommy and allowed me to hold you for 12 wonderful years. My love for you is endless and limitless, my precious baby girl. Play like a puppy again, baby girl, because you are free! As always, I will be waiting.....
Friday 2-18-11
Hi Baby Girl! Daddy and I miss you so much! I still cry everyday but the tears seem to flow less and less. The weekends are so hard!!!! You were my protector, my companion, my security when Daddy is working and I'm here alone. The house is so empty and lonely without you. Daddy says we can start looking for another puppy soon so I went to the Humane Society website to see the furbabies they have that need forever homes but I couldnt stand to look at the pictures. I tried, I really did, but all I was doing was looking for you! I wanted to see your face in every single picture, your love filled eyes and soft furry ears and you just weren't there! I'm trying so hard not to miss you so much but every day I wake up with the same empty feeling in my chest. Oh Baby Girl why does it hurt so??? I would give anything to feel you curled up next to me on the couch while I'm working or to hear your soft bark! They say it will get easier so I keep hoping there will come a day when I can think of you and smile instead of cry. But I wouldnt trade any of this because I know the pain I feel is because I loved you so deeply. God please watch over my precious Pupper!!! Mommy and Daddy love you angel! Always I will be waiting....
Monday 2-21-11
I just wanted to say Hi to you my precious babygirl. I think about you all day every day and still the tears keep flowing. I cant go out into the back yard without wanting to see you running to me. I'm trying to stay strong and I hope that it will getting easier but I cant see past the pain I feel right now. Its been 13 days since you left us and the pain is still just as strong. Zelda was here this weekend and she was so sad when she couldnt find you. She played with your toys in your toy basket but pretty much just laid in her home. I know she is greiving for you. You both were so close to each other. I still have the picture of you snuggling with her in the van on the way back from KY. I will NEVER delete it from my phone. I'm trying to find the right furbaby to love. I want so much to bring them all home that it breaks my heart to just choose one. I'm going to call the shelter tomorrow and ask about an older dog they have named Bob. I cant get the picture of his sweet lonely face out of my mind. If he is still available I think I want our home to be his forever home. I have so much love to give and I think if I give this love to a furbaby that needs it so badly I wont be so lonely. I'm hoping this feeling I have is you guiding me to another furbaby that needs a second chance to be happy. I pray this feeling means my heart is mending but I know it will be a long time before I dont hurt. I love you so much, miss you so much babygirl. Know that even though another may take your place by my side they will NEVER take your place in my heart. You are my angel, Pupper. Forever and always, Mommy.
March 3, 2011-Thursday
Hi babygirl! Oh how the days seem to last forever now that your not here with us! We all have been sick with this and that...even Kitty. I took her to the vet because she stopped eating well and the dr gave her some antibiotics and a steroid shot to hopefully help stimulate her appetite. He said that she may be greiving still for you and I think he is right. You two grew up together so I can only imagine what is going thru her little kitty mind. She doesnt like to be away from either of us for too long and she even sleeps on my belly when I'm laying down. You know how independent she is so I think she is lonely too without you. I dont cry as much now as I had been but I still cant think of you and not want you back so badly. I miss you so much I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach most days. I want to get a new furbaby just to feel not so lonely everyday but its like I cant find the right fit....I look for you in every picture I see and I just cant bring myself to go any further. Sandy, your doggy friend next door died last week. Her furparents ended her suffering with cancer so I hear....her daddy came over to ask if we wanted the dogfood they had remaining. I hope you see her and both of you play like puppies again....no fence in between blocking your views of each other. I pray for you every night, hoping you hear my heart saying how much I love and miss you. Some days it seems like my life will never be the same and I guess in some ways it wont. Pupper, Mommy and Daddy (and Kitty too) love you beyond belief and wish so much we could have you back. Run and play to your hearts content but please just stop for a minute or so and send us a little sign you are thinking of us too. I love you, babygirl. Always, Mommy.
August 11, 2011
Oh my precious babygirl how I miss you so much still. I know I havent said hi for a long time....life always gets in the way it seems. Please know I think about you every day still....cry just as much. We have a new furbaby now. Buddy Boy is 6 months old. We got him in March thinking maybe I wont cry so much when I think about you. Well that didnt happen...I miss you just as much as I did when we said goodbye. I wish you were here to see him. Im sure he would drive you crazy as much as you drove Kitty crazy but wouldve been best friends in no time at all. I love and miss you so very much. Please know I havent forgotten you! You are never far from my thoughts! Always, Mommy.
January 31,2012
Oh my precious babygirl where has time gone. It feels like just yesterday when you started to get sick and the day we said goodbye to you is rapidly approaching. The closer it gets the more I think of how much I miss you. The tears come just as easily now as they did then.....I cant think of you and my heart not hurt! I go back and read the words I wrote when you passed last year and its amazing how strong those feelings are still in me. We have a new furbaby, Buddy that just turned 1 year old Sunday. Without him I would have never come out of the emotional hole I had created when we lost you. Even though I love him as much as I love you he will NEVER replace you in my heart. I still miss you so much its hard to breath sometimes but it seems that the tears dry a bit faster and come a bit less frequently. You will FOREVER be my PRECIOUS BABY GIRL and you will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart. Remember I love you (and so does Daddy) and I'll be looking for in the sunshine. Im waiting for you my angel....Mommy!
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