Memories of Rocky
On December 19, 2009 at 230pm, Rocky Trina passed away in his Mommy's arms. As he took his last breath, he took with him a big part of his Mommy's heart which can never be healed.
Rocky, it's been less than a week since you took your last breath and Mommy's heart broke into a million pieces. I am still having a hard time accepting that you are really gone. Mommy still remembers that day when I first laid eyes on you and fell in love. I was supposed to pick up one your sisters but when I got there, you were the only one left. They told me that you were the runt and that you almost didn't make it. It was impossible for me to say no. So that night I drove back to my college apartment and we were inseparable from then on. I used to take you everywhere with me..to my college meetings, class, and even the movies. You were so small you could fit into my purse. You were always such a good boy. You would just sleep in there, not making a peep. Then when you were a few months old, you got Parvo and ended up in the ER. That was the first time you slept away from home. I remember crying when I saw you in the ICU with the IV in your neck. You were so small and scared. That began the first of many ER visits.
As you got older, I started to notice that when you were stressed or outside in the sun, you would start to have these episodes where you couldn't breathe well. These episodes started to increase and so did your visits to the vet. No one could give me a straight answer. Some said you had asthma and others said it was a reverse sneeze. One vet even convinced me that your epiglottis was too long and that he had to burn it off. That surgery was pretty traumatic for the both of us. Yet, nothing fixed it. And everytime you had an episode, you couln't breathe or move. Your chest would heave up and down and your eyes were full of pain. And all I could do was to take you back to those horrible vets. I didn't know how to fix it for you. As time passed, you were unable to do alot of activities that exerted you because it would trigger these episodes. But the two things that you still continued to do well was your appetite and how you would lay your head on my chest when we were laying around.
Then one day, you had a really bad episode and when I took you to the ER, they told me you probably wouldn't make it through the night. I remember seeing you in the oxygen cage. You were heavily sedated so that you wouldn't exert so much energy trying to breathe. But when you saw me, you still tried to get up. I cried when you fell over and then pooped accidentally because you couldn't control your bowels. Luckily, you made it through the next day. Your dad made the decision to take you to the OSU Vet Hospital. That trip saved your life that day. They determined that you had a severe collasped trachea. Unfortunately, it was not fixable but they said it would be manageable with daily prednisone. We got you home, put you on a diet, and made sure you would not be under stress. Although your disease did progress, you still lived a fairly active life and you didn't have another episode for almost 2 years.
You turned 12 this year and these last few months I knew that your time with me was quickly passing by. You were getting more short of breath with even the smallest activity like peeing. I was now cooking you special chicken meals everday and having to give you higher doses of medicines. But you know, I didn't mind. I loved being able to feed you by hand and cuddling up to you to sleep every night. You have been there for me for the last 12 years. I don't know what to do now. Who will be there to lick my tears when I am crying? Who will be waiting at home so excitedly for me when I come home from work in the mornings? Who will lick my wet toes after I get out of the shower? And even though Ozzie and Gris are still there, the house feels so empty without you there. You were MY baby, MY angel, MY boy boy, and MY reason for being.
And even though I knew the day would come soon when I had to make the decision to end your suffering, I never expected to lose you so quickly. I always thought that it would be something that I would have planned out and that you would be surrounded by your family when you took your last breath. The day that you died started off like any other. I came home from work in the morning, carried you out to pee, fixed your meal, gave you your medicines, and you and I took a nap on the couch. I had a lunch date with your grandma-ma and so I left you sleeping soundly on the couch. I still remember kissing you good-bye on your head, cheek, and tummy. That was our routine. I was only gone for 2 hours and when I got home, I noticed that you didn't come to the door to greet me. I found you in the bathroom in your doggie bed and you were breathing heavily. When I picked you up, I saw that your tongue was slightly grey, and you were not looking at me. I was so scared. Oh Rocky, I felt so alone and helpless. I ran with you to the kitchen, all the way begging for you to be okay, begging you to not leave me. Before I could even grab the car keys, you went unconscious and limp in my arms. I still didn't believe that you were gone. I jumped in the car and tried to get you to the ER. Halfway there, I could no longer feel your heart beat and your eyes no longer gazed at me. Your precious spirit was gone. All I could do was pull over and hold you tightly in my chest while I cried. In the end, it was just you and me in the car again, just like the first day I took you home. So I took you back home, wrapped you in your blanket, and placed you in your doggie bed. That night I wouldn't let anyone take your body away from me and I finally cried myself to sleep with you in my arms. Rocky, you were loved by so many people. Your Grandma-ma, Aunt Kathy, Stephanie, and Lisa all came to see you one last time. Your Grandma-ma cried as she stroke your head. Your dad also cried when he was finally able to make it home.
I love you so much Rocky. If I could have traded years of my life for yours, I would have gladly done so. I know that you are no longer suffering having to struggle for each breath. But for my own selfishness, I still wish that I could hold you in my arms and kiss your little paws. My dearest boy, wait for your Mommy at Rainbow Bridge where you can run and play in the sun and enjoy the life that you should have had. I will see you soon my angel, but until then, I will look for you in my dreams and feel you in my heart. And I will always always love you.
01/13/09 Rocky, I still miss you and cry for you everyday. Your ashes finally came back home today. Mommy is working on your special altar. Your beautiful picture is already on the fireplace mantle where I've been lighting your candle and incense. But Mommy will make a better place for you in the front room where you can see out the window better. It's been so hard to start on any of your memorial projects like your scrapbook or even trying to write about everything in my journal. I just can't bring myself to do it. The first few days after you passed away were horrible but then I made myself go to work and there for awhile it wasn't so bad. I was surprised at myself that I wasn't grieving as long as I thought I would. But then it started last week. I came home from work one morning and I almost forgot that you were gone. I came into the house calling for you. And then I stopped short when I realized you were not there. I miss our morning routine when I come home from work and feed you your breakfast and medicine. Only Ozzie is there to greet me now. And when I go to bed, I always curl into my fetal position on my left side and there was this perfect pocket where you would sleep. Now that place is empty and cold. It's so difficult to find comfort when I don't feel your warmnth next to me. And the other day when I couldn't sleep in bed, I dragged the blanket out to the living room and remebered how you would always follow me and sleep on top of the couch. I haven't seen you in my dreams, my boy boy. I don't know why you haven't come to visit me. My heart feels so empty. I cried so hard last night...I was begging for you to come get me. Rocky, please don't leave me behind. Don't leave me...I am too lost without you.
12/19/11 Rocky, Mommy is so sorry she doesn't write more on your memorial. I come here often to visit your memorial and I always mean to write something, but its so hard to get started without breaking down. It's been 2 years since you've been gone from my life. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly. Today, I cooked all your favorite foods although you couldn't really enjoy most of them when you became so sick...the chicken and carrot stew that I fed you almost everyday, some bbq, fried rice, and milk. I lit incense and prayed for you. I still have your giraffe toy (the only toy you would play with) up next to your picture. I even made Ozzie and Lily come and pay their respects. Ozzie misses you. I don't think he likes how he has to run around with Lily here. Even though time does help to heal the pain, I still find myself missing you so much that I cry uncontrollably. It sneaks up on me...when I find myself in a quiet and still moment. And in those moments when I think I'm not going to be able to breathe, Lily comes and licks me just like you used to do. Neither of you likes it when I cry. Rocky, after I lost you, I never thought I would come to love another dog like you especially one as rambunctious and mischievous as Lily is. I am so thankful for her, she has saved me from the utter misery of losing you. Your dad thinks you helped to bring Lily and I together because you knew how sad and miserable I was without you. But, as much as I love her, I will always love my boy boy the most. And I will always miss you...your memories will never diminish. Until we see each other again at Rainbow Bridge...Always and Forever.
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