Memories of Rusty
I remember the first time I saw Rusty at my moms. Rusty is a German Shepherd, Bloodhound and Walker mix. I went down to visit the pups, it was winter. When I was walking back up to the house I turned around and there was this little creature following me through the snow. I knew then he had to come home with me.
Rusty loved to open presents, didn't matter who's. His birthday and Christmas were always the best times for me, I loved to see him open his presents.
I will miss the clicking of his nails when he walked on the floor.
That sweet creature was my four legged son and I will have a lessor life with him not in it.
I always said he was an Angel from God, he has now gone home and is waiting for me.
I will see you again Rusty and when I do we will have the best time.
I cant wait to rub your belly or touch your velvety lobes.
I wish I had brought you home from the hospital, but I had hopes you'd recover.
The couch is empty now that your not here and your bowls are still waiting for food and drink.
I want you to let me know your ok and your not mad at me for not taking you to the doctors sooner.
On Friday October 24th, 2008 7:30PM Dear Rusty was laid to rest.
The past 3 days just having you near and being able to reach out and touch you were prescious, I miss you terribly.
The Story of Rusty's Illness:
The past few months Rusty had lost weight in his hind quarters and I thought it was due to his age. His eating change the past few weeks, he wouldn't eat his dry so I put canned in with it. He ate that for a while then started picking out the canned from his food, so I gave him canned alone. He stopped eating that or not much of it so I cooked him hamburger and rice he ate that nicely about 3 days or so. He stopped eating on the Friday before I took him to the doctor. That Monday I took him to see his doctor.
The doctor was surprised the weight he had lost and Rusty's difficulty in walking, so he did x-rays. It came back Rusty had a large mass on his liver and the doctor didn't think anything could be done, but I asked him to try. Rusty was to go into the hospital the following day for surgery on Wednesday.
The doctor called and said his kidney levels were high and to bring him the following day to get him on IV Fluids and such. Rusty was in there for 2 days and his levels continued to climb and I was told his kidneys were failing. There is nothing the doctor could do, my heart sank once again.
I said I'd like to take him to the Pittsburgh Specialty Clinic and he said I could but had not much hope.
I brought Rusty home for awhile so he could lay on the couch and relax at home and then took him to Pittsburgh.
The doctors there didn't give much hope either but began treating Rusty 24 hours a day.
Shortly after Rusty was there he developed pneumonia so they put him on oxygen.
Rusty's kidney counts began to improve after a few days, but we had to get him to eat.
I got him to eat for me baby food, but he would not eat for the staff.
An ultrasound was done and it was found he had developed a bloodclot and the only way to treat it was surgery.
We never got to the surgery as Rusty took a turn for the worst, fluid had built up around his lungs and he had to be intibated. A few minutes later I received a call from the doctor that Rusty had arrested but they got him back.
We started down to Pittsburgh and on the way I received another call that Rusty arrested again they could not get him back.
I wanted to be there for him and I was not.
Rusty my first thought is of you in the morning and my last thought at bed. These past few days have been agonizing, I miss you so much.
Where is my boy? I wait for some sign that you are ok, I have to know you are ok Rusty.
It has been 1 week since you left us and it seems like yesterday. What I would give to have you back. I prayed harder than ever for you life, all I wanted was to make you better and you to come home. I cant stand to look over at the couch to see it empty. Your bed on the floor unchanged. I love you. It is rainy today as it was 1 week ago. This is such a nightmare. It has been a hard day magoo, I feel empty. You were the most important thing in my life, you still are. I know you cant come home, oh how I wish you could.
Hi B, I hope your well and see me from where a place I hope is there. I miss you more every day and I try to believe you are somewhere, but it is hard. I dont know if I have enough faith or if my hope is enough. I wait for you to let me know your ok in a dream, vision or even a feeling. Maybe you dont know Im hurting so, I read that when one passes from illness that when you pass your so relieved and happy to not be ill anymore that you just take off and run.
Tonight was trick or treat, grandma brought some dirt from home for me to put on your grave and a memorial stone. I miss you boop. I found a video from christmas 2005 with you opening all your presents, it breaks my heart to think you wont be here for christmas any longer. That made christmas so special for me.
Hi my boop, I was sitting in my chair tonight and looking around the room. The couch, your bed and your bowls. I look at your empty bowls and want to fill them and then it hits me, I cant. The pitcher of water is still holding water on the counter, I wont empty it. I want you back with me "b" and I know I cant. I ache in my heart, it hurts. Im told to remember the good times and I do, but that does not take away my hurt. My life will never be the same, you were my light. I love you bubba.
Its November already b, it was a nice fall day today. To think a few days a go you were here with me and now Im alone. I wonder why you left me, did you just give up, did I need you more than you needed me? I need you to know I needed you more than anything. I feel so alone without you, think of me please and let me hear from you. I love you!
I had a dream lastnight and you came back to me in that dream, it was very short but you were there. I dont think this was you trying to let me know anything, I think it was just a dream of something that has been with me. I want you to come to me while awake in some way, a smell a feeling something. I cant evade this empty feeling that is with me. I want to hold you the way i did when I took you to the doctor.
Hi Boopy, I took part in my first candle lighting ceremony. It was nice, some very nice words and prayers. I wish I had never heard of it, you would still be here. I had a reading done and Im told you have been sitting by the bed, please come up with me. Im still having a very difficult time, I try to remember the good times and I do. But it is just too overwhelming, the pain, the emptiness and yes the guilt. How can I go on without you with me? I adore you and always have.
It been 2 weeks and my pain is as strong as it was then. The emptiness is oveerwhelming. I miss you boop. I wait everyday and everynight for some sign that you are with me. I dont know what Im looking for just something. My trips up the steps are lonely, I go outside and wait to hear you coming up the steps. I know Ill never hear that again, but I look for it. I want ot see you so badly, it tears me apart. I love you Rusty.
I sat and thought today, I think if you could contact me in any way you would. I wonder why you had to struggle the way you did. You are loyal, loving and playful. I've been going through pictures from your life, I see your curiousity, your love and vulnerability. I keep saying I miss, but I do. Will it get easier, I dont know. I wish everyday I could go back in time, I would have made things right. I should have known. I love and miss you.
Hey "B", Its just been another day, another day without you and a another day of emptiness. I go somewhere and all I want to do is get back to be closer to you. I would do anything to have you back, I just can't stand this pain. When I wake up there is a brief second and then I realize your not here. Oh my boy; if only I could go back in time. So much has changed this year and not for the good, I knew you would be here for me and that made it easier. Now what Rusty, what will I do?
It was an especially bad day today, I dont know why it just was. Oh my god Rusty I cant stand the pain. I remember everyday how your presence was so appreciated. I have not changed anything, all your stuff is in the same place. I will leave the steps to the bed so you can come up and lay with me. I have cold treats and nummies and always will. I try to be happy for you that you are not hurting anymore and are in a better place, but i cannot do that. I miss you more than you know. You are the king my boy and all you know is here waiting.
Got a frame for a picture today, it looks good. Haven't been feeling well today so didn't do too much. The days are going by so fast, faster than usual I think. I'm waiting to here a reading from you from some woman. I hope it is something I can believe.
I dont want to keep being repetitive, but you have to know I miss you terribly and Im hurting so much. Its almost three weeks and it seems like yesterday. I love you boop.
Hey B, It seems the medium woman got it all wrong. I was excited to hear from her but I think she is a fraud. I cant believe tomorrow is 3 weeks, it seems like yesterday. I try to keep my mind occupied but it doesn't take long for me to come back to you. I love you and miss you.
Three weeks ago you left, Three weeks ago my life changed for what I believe will be forever. I've been praying every night you will come to me, but you dont. I dont know if I believe there is another place, a place you are alive. I think if there was you would have let me know.
My Boy, Are you here? I'm told you are, yet I dont see or hear you. Oh, Rusty you should still be here. If only I would have been more diligent in your care, I will always blame myself for your leaving us sooner than you should have. Everybody is saying I did everything I could and trying to convince me I could not have done anymore. They can say what they want but I know in my heart its at least partially my fault for your dieing and Im so so very sorry. I look back and think you did try to tell me that you were sick and I didn't pay enough attention. This year has changed my life forever and not for the better, I want to go back to when we had our life. I paid less attention to you for a few weeks and Im sorry, I regret that so much. I've been feeling I want to go back home, the memories here are too painful without you with me.
I look at this site everyday and cant believe I have to even be on it. I started to decorate for christmas and it is impossible to believe that you wont be here. I sit here typing waiting to here you cross the floor and come around the corner. To hear a bark, something from you would fill my heart. Everything is so foreign here now, I look around and it seems so strange to me. I miss the one constant that I had. I love you.
Hi Boop, I'm told you are her, but I have no sense of you. Try really hard to let me know your here please. Had to go to the ER, blood pressure is up. I know its because your not here with me.
I cant help but think about you all the time. I cant stop thinking that I miss what you were telling me when you were sick. I let you be sick inside for months withering away and I should
Gonna go to writing every other day b. I dont want to exceed the limit and I only have 2800 words left. Its snowing outside, I remember how you liked to catch the flakes in your mouth when it snowed and how you would bury your nose in the snow on the ground. Decorated a little more today, cant get in the spirit. I miss you coming upstairs and rooting through the boxes and checking everything out. I love and miss you.
I was 4 weeks yesterday and it sems like a couple days, I miss you so much. Its cold outside so I dont sit out very long. I want you to come arouond the corner so badly, I just want ot give you a big hug. I love you b.
Well BB its been one month today already. I cant believe its been a month, seems like yesterday. I think about you every minute of every day. I miss you so much. It snowed lastnight, you would have liked burying your nose in it. I'm almost finished the tree, just have a few more ornaments and I need to buy your luv-a-pet for this year. Ill buy one very year for you, that will never change. I love you.
Hey B, I just wanted to let you know Im still waiting for you. I want you to know I was looking on petfinder not for any reason, but I found a baby that looks like you. I dont know what to do, I dont want you to be mad Im not looking to get a baby. I love you and only want you. It seems harder everyday to be without you. Please know how much you mean to me, let me know you are with me. I love you.
Its 3am and I sit here as I do everynight with an emptiness that is so overwhelming. I have pictures of you everywhere so i can see you at any time. We do miss you my big boy and dont know what to do without you. I hope you didn't think we left you everynight at the hospital because we didn't want you home, that is not true. We wanted you here more than anything. If I could go back a few months none of what has happened would have happened, Im sorry for that. Im sure it confused you and upset you. You know what they say, If I could turn back time. I love you boopy.
I wanted to tell you Happy Thanksgiving B, I always told you that when we woke. Im sorry I wont be able to give you your piece of turkey and ham today. You always came running when I came home from gumbys with my take home bag. I miss you today and do hope your with me by my side. I love you so much.
Hi Boopy, I put a Christmas Tree out for you tonight. When I have a couple dollars I get some ornaments. I guess you see the tree in the house, I miss you sticking your head in it. I think Im leaning towards not getting a dog right now, I think its too soon. I miss you too much. I've been trying to put your pictures in order but its hard I have so many. Im having trouble smelling your scent in the house already. To think you were here for years and in a few weeks your scent fades away. You know I keep going back a few months and I have pictures of you of course and try to see when you started to have troubles and only wish I had taken you to see the doctor, I cant get past that. I only want you for christmas, but I know I cant. I love you Rusty!
Hey my B, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you every day. I hurt as badly as I did the day you left. It is still so hard for me to believe your gone. I want you back more than anything in this world, I know I cant but that is my wish. I love you Rusty!
Hi B, It snowed lastnight. You'd be sticking your snoot in it. I miss you so much. I found a video I didn't know I had from your birthday last year. Its only a few seconds, but Its nice to see you. Its so cold outside, I hate that your outside. I got your christmas ornament and its on the tree, its a cute one this year. I love you so very much.
Hi Boop, I think about you all the time, I miss you so much. I miss you walking up to bed with me. I'm sorry I didn't know you were sick, I should've paid better attention. I look back at pictures and see when you started to lose yoour weight. I should've known. I love you, please know that.
Happy Birthday Rusty! You are 13,I hope that you are somewhere that celebrates your day. I miss you so much. I thought I may have heard from you on my b-day but I did not. I want to give you a hug and kiss. You supposed to be around with the holidays and all. I love you so much boopy. I wish you were here.
11:34PM I just wanted to tell you happy birthday again b. Im so sorry your not here. I love you and miss you.
2 Months have gone by and your absence is as strong as the first day. I cant smell you anymore in the house, wish I could. Soon Santa will come, he will bring you a present Im sure. I will only ever want one thing for christmas, I know that will not happen. You will always have my heart Rusty, that I promise. I still have my doubt, anger and rescentment. But you have my love, I hope you know that. I miss you.
Its Christmas Eve and boy are you missed, so very much. I would be wrapping presents and you would be sniffing and poking around. I got you a couple babies, maybe you'll come get them. Santa comes tonight my boy, he'll bring you a present where you are. When you open it think of me and the presents I got for you. I wait for the midnight hour when the distance between heaven and earth vanish and the hopes you'll come to me. I love you Rusty and miss you so much.
Merry Christmas Rusty ! I miss you so much. Hope Santa brings you a present tonight. I have a couple presents under the tree for you.
11:30AM - Merry Christmas my Boy, It was not the same waking up without you this morning. I wish more than anything you were here, my wish did not come true. I beginning not to believe that you go on after you leave here, I thought for sure I would have heard from you. I love you Rusty.
Christmas is over B, It was not the same without you. I missed giving your presents to you and seeing you open them. I dont know if i can ever get over not having that anymore. I want you with me so badly, it hurts Rusty. I dont know why you haven't gotten to me somehow, I really think you would have if you could. Maybe its not true, maybe when you die thats it. I try to not think that but I do. I love you.
Happy New Year Rusty! I miss you so very much. Its just another day without you here. I hope you have a wonderful new year. I wish you were with me Rusty, I love you.
Where are you when I need you so badly. My heart is so heavy for you. The emptiness is so overwhelming, I still cant believe your gone.
I had faith you would get better, I had faith I had you for a few more years. I prayed for your recovery. I had faith you have visited me by know. I have no more faith, Rusty. Everything is wrong without you. I cant stand walking up the stairs to bed and not have you ahead of me. I look out the window every day and night and see your outside where you shouldn't be. My life has crumbled and your not here to help me. I want you back every minute of everyday and I would do anything, give up everything to have you with me. I took your dishes, bed and the babies you had downstairs to the bedroom. They were getting dusty and I didn't want them to get ruined. I love you B!
It snowed alot today Rusty you would have liked it, I guess around 6 inches. I can believe it almost 3 months since you left us. I wish I could have you back. I love and miss you forever.
3 months has passed in a blink of an eye, the pain is as strong as that day. I continually think of you and realize what a special soul you were. I guess I should be greatful for the time we had together and I am, but it was not enough. I expect to see you through out the house and yet I know I wont. I will never love like I loved you. I miss you Rusty.
I miss you Rusty..I'll love you forever! I dont belong here anymore. Im tired boop.
I new puppy came yesterday Rusty. I didn't want one but the choice was made for me. I want you to know he will never be as important to me as you, you will always be my boopy. I miss you so much, Id rather have you here.
Happy Valentines Day Rusty! I hope you got a valentine from where ever you may be. I miss you very much. Dora and Rex have parvo, remember when you had it and how strong you were to overcome it. Watch over them so they may get beter if you will. I want you to know although Im sure you do the puppy's name is Rudy and he is a good boy. I so would much rather have you and always will, you my boy. Well talk to you soon I love you.
Hi Rusty, It's been 4 months. 4 lonely months without you. Rudy is a nice puppy but he is not you by any means. He always is into something, have to keep everything out of reach. We never had to for you, you are such a good boy. I miss you so much and that wont change. I guess Rudy was to be some miracle or something, he is not. Dont get me wrong he keeps me busy, but even busy your on my mind. Well boopy just wanted to drop a line or two. I love you.
Five months, I cant believe it. Spring has sprung and your not here. I miss you every minute Rusty. I still wait for some feeling/sign that you are here. Maybe that will never come I dont know. Your pictures and things are around me all the time, I guess thats what Ill have for now. I want to see you so badly, to rub your ears, just hear you bark. I love you so much my big boy! You are missed more than you could know.
Happy Easter Rusty! Its really nice outside today, sun shining and all. I hope you got baby's today to play with. I'm very sad your not here and would do anything to have you here. Try to let me know your ok please. I love you so very much!
Hi Rusty! another month has passed and hard to believe a half year has already gone by. Life isn;t the same anymore, so much has happened. I miss you so very much, that I guess will not change. I wait for you each day, if only in the back of my head. You are so very loved!
Hi My Buddy! 7 months you ago you left, it still seems like a few days ago. I miss you so much Rusty, every hour of every day. The sun is shining today, you'd love to be laying in the sun and maybe you are. I wish I could see you. I love you!
Rusty - I just wanted to say hello. I miss and love you so much!
Hi Rusty, Today is fathers day. Didn't realize it until a bit ago. If I could have one thing for fathers day it would be to have you with me. Where has the time gone? Where have you gone? I miss you so much, Rudy will never fill the void you left in me. I mean he's a nice dog in his way, but you are my boy. I love you every minute of every day.
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