My little man, Clyde by Deb Wall

My little man, Clyde

by Deb Wall

I'm trying to write and not break down at the same time. How do I put into words how much that little cat meant to me? One part of me is trying to stay in denial, and one part can only think about Clyde. I'll never forget the day I met him. I was living in a small apartment and wanted to get two kitties (so they could have company while I wasn't home) but my husband (we're not together anymore) said it wasn't a good idea. But then he and my friend surprised me, and when I came home that night, the 2nd bedroom door was closed. I looked in, and there were these 2 little fuzzy things running around...one gray tiger and one all black. We named the black one Cleo (even though everyone says it's a girls name and he's a male..I disagree!) and the gray tiger was Clyde. For the next almost 10 years those boys were with me through everything...a failed marriage, crazy boyfriends, school, moving to new places, my various "problems" which now seem so trivial...everytime I'd get depressed, Clyde would chase his tail like a dog just to cheer me up. He'd even do it on the edge of the tub. Everytime I went into the bathroom to wash my face at night, he'd come in and want to know what I was doing. He'd meow at me and jump up for a hug. He loved to cuddle. At night he'd come in and get on me and put his little head down on my shoulder and purr. After he was convinced that I was dozing off, he'd move over next to me. He loved to play with Cleo. Cleo liked Clyde's tail too...every time it was near him, Cleo would reach out and give it a whack, which didn't please Clyde too much. 6 months ago I took them to the vet for their shots and Clyde's eyes had been gathering a little gunk in the corners, but the vet didn't seem too concerned. In the past two weeks it looked worse and I decided to take him. I also noticed that his stomach would growl here and there and he looked skinnier. He seemed fine otherwise...eating, cuddling, meowing, playing, etc...so when the vet ever told me that he felt a mass in his abdomen, I couldn't believe it. I was hysterical. I took him home that night and just took pictures, and talked to him, and cried, and tried to think positively. They took an xray the next day and it was good...the tumor looked contained to one spot but they wanted to do exploratory surgery. For a while I had hope...I was sure they would call and say they removed the tumor and he would be fine. When I got that call that said that it had spread all over him, and did I want them to put him down? I screamed. I screamed my head off, poor Cleo. I had them wake him up and my mother took me to say goodbye. I almost couldn't do it. I left the room and went outside to wait. But I couldn't not do that. He had been so brave, and I knew that I would regret not being there for the rest of my life. So I went in right as they gave him the shot, and then I heard the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life: "He's gone". His little eyes were still open; he looked like he was just laying down. He still had the little IV on him and I just wanted to take him with me. We had asked the vet if we could take him home instead of putting him to sleep, but the vet said it would be a short time and a painful death. I couldn't do that. I just can't believe it's been 5 days since this all happened. I was on the Internet at night researching tumors in cats, and so many people wrote about their cats living for a long time after that. I keep thinking, what if I had noticed his weight loss sooner? When could I have prevented this? I begged God for his life; I made so many bargains. I told Clyde he couldn't leave me. I told him after the surgery, we were going to fatten him up again. I told him soon it would nice enough for him to roll on the balcony, something he loved. I can't fully accept yet that he's gone. It feels so surreal. I try not to look at his favorite spots (my laundry, the living room rug by the sliding door...) but I can't help it. I go from non-acceptance to hysterics. I don't know when it will fully hit me. I can't believe I will never hold him again. I want to turn back time so bad and just hold him non-stop. I miss him more than anyone could imagine. I don't know how I'll get through the days. I know Cleo needs me. It's so hard to realize that I have to go on. I love you Clyde. You brought more joy into my life than I could ever have imagined. I love you and always will. Sleep well my little manny cat. I'll see you again someday. I hope you'll come to me in my dreams. Be at peace my friend.

Comments would be appreciated by the author, Deb Wal