Oh baby,,,my sweet big bear,,,how I am going to miss you. |
You were one of the four babies Ellie had in her first litter at the farm. I'll never forget how you wouldn't let me touch you and would hide under the hay pallets :) Then, one day, as tiny as you were, I noticed as you were running to hide after I put the food down, that there was a sore under your neck. I ran to the house to get some first aid supplies, and hoped I would be able to touch you so I could try to help. I sat down on the floor by the pallets, and waited and waited, talking to you to come out so I could help you.
Then, as if you knew I wanted to help, you came out and let me touch you! I looked and saw a small hole in your neck, a puncture would the size of a pencil eraser. I spent almost an hour gently cleaning it out and applying an antibacterial. All the while, you never tried to run away, and after about half an hour, you looked up with your little tiny eyes, right into mine, and just stared,,,,it was so amazing the instant bond I felt, and knew you did too.
I knew your wound would have to be treated several times a day, and could only hope you would let me catch you again later that day. I came out to feed the horses at dinnertime, and looked around for you, but could not find you. I looked under the pallets, and in the one stall where you used to hide as well, but you weren't there. I went up and down the aisle, and into every other stall, so sad that you were not around, and hoping you were okay. After about an hour, I went back inside, deciding to come back out a bit later to look.
At around 8 pm, I came out the back door to go to the barn, and right as I opened the storm door, there you were--like you were coming to get me! Like a shot you ran back to the barn, faster than anything I'd ever seen. You were so tiny I didn't know how you could go that fast,,,and then I knew what your name would be,,,,Jettie--fast as a jet.
I went quickly into the barn with my supplies, and there you sat---right ON TOP of the pallets! Tears ran down my face; I couldn't believe how much trust you'd built up in less than a day. I walked over slowly and crouched down to my knees, all the while just talking softly---you didn't move. I looked up to look at you, and you were looking directly into my eyes again---I knew right then you'd let me hold you to treat you again. And you did,,,,so tiny and soft and trusting.
It took about 2 weeks for your wound to heal, and you were such a little trooper about it, as there were times I had to swab into the hole with a qtip, which I'm sure was not pleasant for you. But you just seemed to know it had to be done, and that I was only trying to help you. No matter how many times I have experienced it, the moment that bond of trust and love is created with an animal spirit, it is truly amazing and melts my heart.
You grew up to be one of the biggest boys I had. You were all black and looked so scary, yet had one of the sweetest hearts I'd ever known. You never, ever fought or even hissed at another cat. Some of your playmates would pick on you, and I'd tell you "Jettie, you're so big, just make a face and they'll leave you alone." But you had not one bone in your body that knew how to do that. Calmness and sweetness through and through.
You came to my home with several of the others when we left the farm. You were in the suite with your mom Ellie, your sister Squiggy, and your cousin Brinnie. Even with Brinnie, who could be tough at times, you would choose to walk away and not fight, even if she started it :)
I so miss your morning routine of having to sit on my lap when I was cleaning the box or fixing the beds. You would look up at me as if to say 'mom, you need a bigger lap", because you were so big I couldn't fit all of you on my lap :) I would apologize and just hold the rest of you up with my arm underneath you.
About 8 months ago, you were coming inside, and you looked like you were having trouble walking. I had your vet come over, and she found that your hind knee was enlarged, and stated she felt it was from birth but was now giving you some problems as you were older and possibly arthritis was affecting it also. At that same time, she found your blood sugars were terribly high, so you were started on insulin. I was never good with needles, so was wondering how I would accomplish doing this every day. But I looked again into your eyes, and knew I had to find a way. I asked the vet to stay for your first injection, so I knew that I was doing it right. After about a week, I was a pro, although always hated to have to stick you. But you were the best patient! I even went and bought smaller gauge needles, even though the vet said the ones we had were fine, as I wanted it to be the least unpleasant for you as possible.
You seemed to be doing well up until about the end of October. I noticed every once in a while you seemed to have a bit of trouble with the back leg again, and once or twice a week you wouldn't finish your wet food. I started to add water to your wet food, and give you only your very favorite flavors, and everything seemed okay again. You were going back outside, and drinking and using the box were all normal. You were not losing weight, so we just thought the knee was a bit more painful at some times than others.
Then last week, I noticed you were wobbling sideways, and you looked dazed and out of it. I also noticed instead of your normal stool, you had only did a little bit and it was very light and not well formed. I held you and looked into your eyes. They were wide and bright, but you seemed confused. I watched you for several hours and noticed when you would walk from the bed to the water or food bowl, that you would lie down to drink or eat. I thought it was the knee, but the other things really scared me, so I had the vet come over. When she checked your blood sugars, you were surprisingly within normal range, which was hard to do initially---you kept running on the high side. But, there was no happiness with this, as the blood sample looked scarily thin. She redid the test on the other ear, and it looked the same. She then examined your abdomen and found a mass in/on your intestine. You had also lost 3 lbs in less than a month.
Starting that night, I gave you wet food via syringe to make sure you were getting enough into you, and would give you syringes of water to make sure you stayed hydrated, in the event you didn't feel well enough to get to the bowls. I held you and sang to you, letting you know how much I loved you, and prayed for you to be well. But I had a feeling in my heart that I may be facing sooner rather than later the awful decision to let you go. I know with Comet he deteriorated so fast and I did not know what I was going to do.
I called the vet and asked if she could come back out to recheck your mass, just in case it was a fluke and it was a blockage that had now moved. She said she could possibly get here the next day. It was New Year's Eve.
I came in to feed everyone as usual, and had your plate made and the syringe ready in case you wouldn't eat out of the dish. You did get up but were wobbly, and put your head in the dish, but didn't eat. I held you and gave you some food from the syringe. Your eyes were wide, and you seemed a bit confused, but then all of a sudden you looked right up at me into my eyes, and we just stared. I asked you if you were in pain, and you just stared. I kissed your face and head, and you purred. I went inside, got a blanket, and laid with you. I went back in around 11.
A little after midnight, I came back in for Happy New Year. You were lying in one of your favorite beds, the pink one. I had my pillow and blanket, and after kissing everyone goodnight, kissed and held you for about an hour. I then lied down with you until around 2:30 am; when I got up, you opened your eyes and just stared at me---I knew you were asking me, so I told you if you need to go, I will understand.
In bed, I prayed to God to please, if he must have you back, to please take you in your sleep and not let you suffer, or put us through the very tough decision of euthanasia. I cried and cried, as I just knew there were too many things going on with you now and the chances of you overcoming this, even for several months of a quality life, were very poor.
I went to sleep for several hours and came back out around 6:30 am; you didn't try to get up to come greet me as you usually do. I looked around and you appeared to be sleeping in your other favorite bed, the black and white leopard. I called your name but you didn't look up. I put the food down and came into your pen, all the while calling "Jettie, Jettie,,,,", but you didn't look up. As I got closer, I saw you were curled up so nice with your beautiful face resting on your curled paw. I though then that maybe you were just in a very deep sleep. I knelt down and tried to wake you, but you wouldn't come to. I was rubbing you and kissing your head, but you wouldn't wake up. I didn't think you had passed, as you were warm. I then looked at your side, and it wasn't moving. I felt by your nose, and felt no breath. I then called the vet and told her to come, that I thought maybe you were in a coma, but knew in my heart that you had passed, and not too long ago. My heart burst---how could this be? Weren't we supposed to have at least several months more together? Then as I cried and held you, I remembered that just several hours before, you asked me with your eyes if you could go. I also remembered that God had granted our wish to have you go peacefully, in your sleep. At such a heartbreaking moment, I had to be grateful as well---the emotions I could never describe; I wasn't ready to lose you yet, but then again, how much more could we ask for?
The tears are blinding me as I'm trying to finish typing your story,,,,,I am so grateful for all the years of love and smiles you gave me, and for being there when no one else was. All of you are the reason I live everyday; the unconditional love, the innocence, the pure spirit that lives in each of you, are gifts that I will always treasure and be grateful for. Some 'non-animal' people may not understand this bond, but I know that many others do. For all the years you gave me Jettie, I am grateful.
I asked Ellie and Slater to meet you at the bridge and guide you through your transition. I took you yesterday to the crematory and brought your ashes home. No matter how many times, this never gets 'easier' as people say. There is no 'easy'; it is the part we do as humans, no matter how painful, for all the joy you gave us during your time here.
I know we will be together again one day, and I can't wait to kiss your little nose again, and the so soft spots behind your ears, and hear your purrs,,,,that has to be one of the most wonderful sounds in the world.
Please know how much I love and will always love you Jettie, my big baby bear, and how much I already miss you that it's tearing my heart out. Please visit when you can, as I can feel when you are here. I'm having such a hard time saying goodbye,,,,,please know how sorry I am this happened to you. But I guess we both have to be thankful how peaceful God made it for you to go,,,,I can only hold on to that for some comfort.
Be happy and whole again baby boy,,,,run and play in the meadow with your mom, Slater, and Comet. I will see you all again in time,,,,
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
1/6/16: Hi baby boy,,,,,oh how I miss you,,,,the mornings are still so hard going out into the sunroom,,, and oh my gosh the tears won't stop. I constantly have to remind myself that you are in a better place and no longer suffering, and that you were only on loan from God and he wanted you back. I remain grateful for the way he let you leave to go back, while you were curled up and sleeping; among all the pain, what a blessing that was. So many people with furangels here have sent so many kind words for you and me, and it has been comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. Some non-pet people do not understand and make me feel like I should just 'be over' it in a day or two; so thank God for the people out here who know how hard it is, and that grief is a different process for everyone, whether you lose a person or a companion, like you. I always pray you felt loved and safe while you were here, and that you can still feel it where you are,,,,it will never, ever stop. Love and light bear,,,,XOX
11/27/16: Hi baby bear,,,I cannot believe in almost a month it will be a whole year since you've been gone,,,I still see you in your corner bed at least a few times a week. But as you may already know, your cousin Onyx recently went to the bridge, and he did not pass as peacefully as you did, so I am reminded on how grateful I was that you passed in your sleep, even though it killed me to lose you. If you haven't already, please find him and comfort him, as he is a very timid boy and may need guidance. I put up a Christmas stocking on your page, and of course your stocking will be in your room as well. This is going to be a rough Christmas, so please visit me when you can and give me kitty bumps :) Please know how much I love and miss you,,,,Love and light my baby bear,,,,XOX
12/27/16: Hi bear,,,oh, how I missed all of you on Christmas, as I'm sure you missed me as well, but hope that you were near me in spirit. I cannot believe it's almost a whole year you've been gone,,,I don't think I'll ever fully understand the saying 'time heals', as although it may 'change' how we process a loss, I have never felt that the hole in my heart truly 'heals'. It is always there, no matter how much time passes. I so miss your eyes and you grabbing my ankles :) I hope you can feel how much I love and miss you, and always will. Love and light baby bear,,,,,XOX
1/1/17: Oh baby bear,,,one year you have been gone,,,as I said the other day, 'time heals' seems like a lie,,,,I don't think I'll ever stop feeling the loss of any of you guys. But for all the years you gave me smiles and love, I guess this is what we have to feel in return. I love and miss you so much kiddo,,,,love and light,,,XOX
4/7/17: Hi baby boy,,,just wanted you to know I still see you,,,your beautiful soft eyes looking at me,,,I miss you trying to fit your so large self onto my too-small-for-you lap and looking at me like I need to fix that :) I will always have you in my heart,,,,Love and Light baby,,,XOX
11/23/17: Hi my big baby boy,,,so sorry I have not been out here, but so many of you have passed so close together, that I just couldn't bare visiting every page. Please know that at no time were you not in my heart and soul,,,I love and miss you constantly. Your pen mate Brinnie just went to the bridge a little over 3 months ago, and although I know you were afraid of her, I hope on the other side you saw how sweet she is and helped her through. As you know, Polo and Gremlin are now diabetic also,,,,such a horrible disease for cats to have to deal with,,,it's just not fair to any of you. But they are being tough just like you were--such a brave boy, yet so, so sweet. It is Thanksgiving Day today, and although that is usually a sad day for me the past few years, I am always grateful and thankful for having all you guys in my life and the many years of love and laughs you gave me. I'll love and miss you always my bear,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
12/25/17: Merry Christmas baby bear,,,a candle has been lit for all of you in your resting place to honor your lives and that your spirits live on. Love and miss you my big baby bear,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
5/27/18: Hi my big baby boy,,,today is one year since Precious left and I came on to write for her anniversary and wanted to say hello to you and everyone. I hope you are happy and well, and are with your mom Ellie and Brinnie. I so miss your big eyes and your sweet heart,,,,and just how kind you were---never once did you growl, hiss, or raise a paw to anyone, even if they were to you. Your innocence filled my soul. Please know you will always be in my heart,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,XOX
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Jettie,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/1/19: Oh Jettie,,,it's New Year's Day, but I'm so sad, as it's also the anniversary of your passing,,,three years since you left,,,I just can't believe it. I still see you in your bed that morning and it still breaks my heart. But I have to remember and be grateful that at least if you had to go, you left in the most peaceful way possible,,,not too much suffering, and no vet, no shots, no stress. I can only hope you know how much I love you and miss you, and it breaks my heart to feel you miss me as well,,,but know we will be together again someday. Love and Light baby boy,,,,,XOXOXOXOXXX
5/26/19: Hi baby boy,,,,I'm sorry I haven't been out here,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you hear me tell you how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOXOXOXOX
10/17/19: Hi my sweet boy,,,,I wanted you to know how sorry I am that I have not visited your page. As you may know, I lost more babies since my last visit, two were your cousins, and I've just not been able to cope when I see all your pages out here. But please never, ever doubt that you're in my thoughts, and will always, always be in my heart. Love and miss you baby,,,,Love and Light,,,mommy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXXX
I am sorry I haven't been out here this year for just visits for you or the others, as it has been such a horrible year here for us humans (and some pets too). We had, and are still having, a serious health pandemic all over the country, with thousands of people dying, going hungry, losing their homes, losing their jobs, etc. It has put me into deep depressions at times, as I was already battling to stay afloat and with the pandemic, it just made me feel hopeless. But guess what---the guys that are still here give me a reason to keep fighting every day---that is the blessing of having you guys. You all at one time or another have given me peace, strength, and hope to try to get through whatever was facing me, and for that, I'll always be grateful.
I'm sure you know, but there is an outside cat that has joined the outside group---and I wonder if you sent him, because he is really big, all black, and has the same sweetness and gentleness as you. I named his Jasper, or Jazzie for short. And sometimes when he looks at me, I see you in his eyes, and I say 'hi Jettie', because I really feel you sent him to comfort me and remind me you are still here. Thanks baby.
I truly hope you are with your mom Ellie, half brothers Skylar and Slater, and your penmate Brinnie, and all the others. I can only pray you are healthy and pain free again. And I hope you know and feel how much I still love and miss you, with all my heart, and always will,,,,forever imprinted in my soul.
12/25/21: Merry Christmas baby,,,love and miss you always,,,,Love and Light my sweet boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
1/1/2022: Oh my big baby boy,,,my sweet bear,,,,today it is 6 years since you left, and I sit here in tears, still missing you so much,,,,it's amazing how the love still remains even when our bodies move on. I soooo miss you trying to fit on my lap, and the knowing look in your eyes. And as for Jasper (Jazzie), thank you for keeping him here---I know it's you in there because of the look in his eyes and the same meow you used to greet me with---he's such a good boy and tries his best to act like a domesticated cat, even though he's an outside feral, and I know that is all your doing to try to comfort my pain of losing you. Again, as every New Year, at 2 am this morning, I remembered that was the last time I got to hold you while you were alive, and that somewhere between then and 5:30 am, you left,,,,,and when I walked into the sunroom this morning, I had the flashback of you in your bed,,,,but I forced myself to be thankful that you were one of the lucky ones to go peacefully in your sleep, without weeks of suffering or illness. But still,,,,to me you were way too young and I wasn't ready to lose you,,,,if that is even ever possible.
I'm not sure if you know yet, but your cousing Gremlin was very sick and I had to let him go to the Bridge a few weeks ago; maybe you and all the others were there to meet him? If not, please look for him and comfort him,,,,he is a very shy little boy. He also became your sister Squiggy's new pen pal, and although as you know she is a very 'individual' kind of girl, she really felt his loss, and is the last one left from our barn group. So if you can, please visit her so she doesn't feel so alone.
I hope you still feel my love for you when I talk to you through Jazz,,,,,,there will never be a minute, hour, day, or year, for the rest of my life, that I will not love and miss you,,,,,you are forever in my heart my baby bear,,,,,I will always love you with all my heart,,,,,Love and Light sweet boy,,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX