Although I knew it would come, the reality has left me unprepared. Your spark was fading and despite your valiant fight, your body betrayed you. I can't believe you're gone, my sweet girl. I'm so sorry I couldn't heal you.

Grasping my new reality, without you in it, is a horrifying feeling. I convince myself it's a surreal nightmare, not something I can simply wake up from. But it's my circumstance , you are gone. I'm not ready to be on this journey without you.

Our remarkable journey has ended, and I won't witness your head appearing in the window as I return home. I will no longer return to your joyous welcome, your tail going in "helicopter mode" or feeling you tug at my sleeves as I walk in the house. No more stealing my scrunchie or holding you close for warmth. Bike rides and movie nights are now just memories.

Never again will I hold you close or kiss your wet nose. You will never be snuggled in your bed in the bathroom as I shower. No more stealing my pillow as I sleep or racing up the steps when we wake. Your tail won't wrap around my arm as we snuggle, and your kisses won't wipe away my tears. I'll miss your little body shakes that you would do. I'll miss your quirky expressions and adorable "Teefs," the little beds you fashioned, your smiles, your energetic digging at my feet, and all the cherished in-between moments.

You were my blanket during thunderstorms, the taste tester of Starbucks pup-cups, my passenger on long-haul bike rides, my Halloween costume partner, and my road trip buddy. Nessi, who will fill these roles now? What were once special moments are now just moments in time.

Everything we shared is now confined to memories--beautiful, wonderful memories that I would trade a million sleepless nights to relive. Our time together feels insufficient, and your loss has left an irreparable void in me. You took my heart with you, sweet girl.

Thank you for being more than a dog. You were my Ness, Nessinator, Nesslee-Tollhouse, Bean, Nessi Bessie, Little girl, Muffin--my best friend and my entire heart. I will never love another as I loved you.

~Until we meet again, my sweet Nessi.