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1/26/18: I have so many, many memories of you honey that I can't even begin to put them to paper. At this time Zipee it's really too hard for me to write. Just know that I miss you more than words could ever express. My life now is empty. I wish this was all a nightmare I could wake up from. I need and want you with me, I don't think I'll get through this. I know you'd want me to be strong for your brothers and sisters but I just can't right now. I'll write soon my baby. I love you more than life itself. 2/5/18: I'm having a bad morning today Zip...crying over you, crying over Keith. Keith lost his battle with cancer on Friday night. Sue put him to sleep, like you, on the bed. He passed quietly, not like you, on the bed. My only consolation in any of this nightmare is that you and Keith are together...maybe that's why you were taken from me, to be there for Keith when he arrived. I need to find answers about your death Zipee, I am beating myself up every day for letting you go. The visit to the vet is all a blur, I can't remember anything about it except gut-wrenching pain. Until I find out about those results from your blood work and research it, I won't be a peace with this. I blame myself for "killing you" because that's what it feels like I did. Why didn't I give us more time together? One minute here, one minute gone. This is killing me, I really don't want to live my life without you...you were my life. There are too many memories here for me to deal with...it's just too hard, I'm sorry. I've written down all the special memories about you and will, one day, be able to write them down here but, for now, I just can't. I love you baby boy and miss you more than anything. I'm sorry. 2/19/18: I can't see the screen honey. Today is 4 weeks since I lost you and I still can't believe you're gone. I so blame myself...you gave me signs and I didn't read them. I was so focused on Keith's cancer and things going on with Mimi and Pop, I just didn't put them all together to scream 'Get him to the vet'!!! By the time it became blatently obvious that something really was wrong, it was too late...too late. I could have saved you. You could be with me right now instead of me writing to you with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry for both of us Zip, we should have had many more years together. I hate dinner time now, I hate bedtime now, I hate being without you. I look above me as I write and see an urn...you should not be there, you should be with me. "They" say that time will help, that one day we will be together again, that you are with me in my heart and memories..."they" can say whatever they want but it doesn't bring you back with me...we belong together, always have, always will. I miss you my precious baby boy, I miss everything about you, I miss us. Please be happy where you are, mommy will be there one day to get you so we can go on to Heaven together. I love you so very much. 2/23/19: The pain, the tears, and the guilt are still with me baby...I can't let you go. No matter what I try to do or who I do it with, it's never going to be the way it was with you. I have been paying so much attention to your brothers and sisters, thinking that maybe that's why God took you, so they would have me as you did. Still doesn't make it any better. We have a new little addition, found on a sidewalk in the freezing cold, a kitten we named Noel...You would have loved her. I still go to bed every night wishing you were jumping off the couch, following me in the bedroom, coming up on the bed, and snuggling with me...Keith had decided this was a great idea too...remember? the two of you...he next to me, you on my pillow. Sometimes you'd fall asleep with you little head in my hand. My heart breaks and tears well up just thinking about it. I'm sorry Zipee that I can't let you go but you were my child in every sense of the word and you're gone. Poof, gone. I am going to try writing you little story some more, just haven't been able to bring myself to do that either. Anyway sweetie, I need to go stay with Mimi for a while. Everyone here misses you (even Ashe) esp. Jett. Please give Keith, Bones, Ashley and Dutchess a kiss from me. I love and miss you with every fiber in my body. 11/12/19: Hi honey...I've been thinking about you more than ever lately and see you so often in Scooter's little face. I am so sorry Zipee for your death. I will never get over the guilt of what happened that day, ever. I carry it around as it eats at my soul. I don't know what was wrong with me...why didn't I drive straight to another vet, why didn't I tell Sue "no", why didn't I lay with you in the hours before your death instead of having you sleep in a bed, wrapped up in my bathrobe, as the hours and minutes ticked by closer and closer to losing you. The pain is just as real as it was that day honey, I just can't get over what I did. Why didn't I pay more attention to little signs? Why did I just assume Sue was right about you suffering and would I rather you go into seizures? I don't care what she says, I know in my heart, I could have saved you...I have pulled Leelee through much worse. Why did I let stupid crap get in the way of calling Heather? Why didn't I even think of calling Heather? She would have made me stop and think rationally, something I couldn't seem to do that day. If I had a day I could go back to and change, it would be Jan. 22, 2018. I will never get over losing you, I will never feel at peace with your passing no matter what I do the guilt just won't go away. It is my fault you are gone, me, I did it. I am so sorry for both of us to not have had more time. Scooter just came up to me, stood up so he could reach my head, and two pawed it...was that you? I wish I could believe it was, I really do. I am losing Jett...she is dying. I spend every minute I can with her. We lay down in bed and look into each other's eyes while I pet her. I don't know if she's in pain. I don't know if I should let her go now. I just don't know what to do. I can't lose her...she is my link between you and Bones. She is my oldest baby. I hope God just makes the decision so I don't have to...as with you, how do I know it's her time? We lost Jett on 11/18, I promised her I would let her go. She was having such a hard time breathing, I couldn't pick her up without her having a breathing attack. She could no longer go downstairs to be with her brothers and sisters. She either laid on the bed or in one of my dresser drawers, if she even went to the litter box she had a hard time breathing. Dr.Sue said it was her heart and her lungs were filled with fluid. I laid next to her, talking to her, kissing her when she passed away. I am devastated, she was here with me for 18 years...I wish you had lived to at least that age. Please take good care of your older sister, you know how shy she is. I'm counting on you Zip. I love you and miss you soooooo much. Please also visit Ashe. |
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