by Judi Bollmeyer
Our sweet little Cocker Spaniel, Buffy, is no longer with us. We miss her so very much but the time had finally come to say goodbye to our precious baby girl on Wednesday, July 16, 2003. It was the hardest decision we ever had to make but one that was necessary in order to free her from the pain that she was in.
In May of last year we were told that she had developed "Cocker Ears", a condition that Cocker Spaniels get when moisture builds up in the ear and air circulation cannot dry the ears as normally would happen. This allows bacteria to become trapped and breed into a serious infection. Even though we'd had her for a long time we actually knew nothing about this problem that is very common in Cocker Spaniels and in Buffy's case, we didn't catch the infection in time. We attempted to treat it but to no avail and in the end she had to have surgery in July to remove both of her ear canals. This, in itself was traumatic for both her and us. But the little trooper that she was - she came through the surgery with flying colors. We were all so hopeful that from that point on she would be on the road to recovery. And for a while, she was. Her incisions healed, the tubes were removed and she was almost back to her little perky self. We took her on vacation with us in August to visit my in-laws so she could finish recuperating with us tending to her. After everything she had gone through we didn't want to leave her with anyone else. All seemed well until late September.
It was then that I noticed she wasn't eating well, she seemed to be having trouble moving and was shaking her head again. By now I figured that when she shook her head it had to do with her being in pain. I immediately took her back to the vet in our neighborhood that had seen Buffy before and was told they couldn't find anything wrong physically. That was on a Friday and as fate would have it she became worse as the weekend went on. By Sunday morning she had developed a swelling behind her left ear. It was very pronounced and couldn't be missed. It was then that I decided to take her to the "animal emergency" hospital, which was all that was open on that day. They took an x-ray and told us that she had another pocket of infection that would need to be drained. I guess they thought that it would be okay to wait until Monday and have her vet look at it but we usually take her to our local Humane Society vet (who also did the surgery) and they are only open Tuesday through Saturday.
So on Monday I brought her back to our neighborhood vet. They tried to use a needle to remove some of the fluid to see if it was the same yeast infection that had closed off her ear canals. They weren't able to get much out but they were able to tell by just the smell that it was indeed the same. Because she was in such fragile condition they offered to keep her for me all day on Monday. Buffy had not been able to eat or drink for a couple of days and they put her on an IV while she was there to get some fluids into her. By the time I picked her up at the end of the day she did seem a bit better, not quite so weak.
I took her home and watched her until bedtime and first thing the next morning I loaded her into the car on the way to work. I was taking her to see her vet at the Humane Society who I knew would know what to do for her. When we were just about 5 minutes away from the vet I suddenly smelled a really awful odor coming from the back of the car. I was in the middle of a busy intersection and there was nowhere to pull over. And then I thought I should just wait until we get where we were going - it would only be a few more minutes. Buffy wasn't making any noises and the smell was so bad like something had died. I was frantic but I just whispered..."hang in there, Buff, we're almost there."
I pulled into the parking lot and hurriedly went to the back of my car to get her out and as I opened the cage door and took my baby out, she was covered with blood. I panicked! So much blood, where on earth did this come from? I scooped her up into my arms and rushed her inside. Luckily I ran into one of the attendants and the vet, herself and asked if she could see Buffy right away. She saw the blood and took her into the examining room and placed her on the table. Their first response was to stop the bleeding but first they had to find where it was coming from. It seems that the swelling was very near the eustachian tube and it had ruptured.
I watched and cried as they worked on her. I left her with them that day after knowing she would be alright. They had some fixing up to do with her but they assured me that she would be okay. I picked her up at the end of the day and was given instructions to bring her back every day for the next few days so that they could flush the wound out and tend to it. They had to put more tubes in to keep the wound open for draining. She was back on the antibiotic, Baytril that was so expensive but at this point I was willing to do anything and go to any expense to get her well again. Please understand, we are not rich by any means but I had a credit card and I didn't even bother to stop and think of how I would make the payments I just wanted to help Buffy feel better. She had been through enough.
After a couple of weeks of continued care by the Humane Society on almost a daily basis (and lots of care at home) they removed the tubes and told us she was okay once again. She was playing and interacting with the other dogs at home, chasing her favorite little squeaky football and for a while there she seemed to be doing very well. We only had to take her back one more time for a few days of treatment around November, I think and that was when she developed yet another small swelling of infection behind her left ear. It was always behind her left ear. The right ear never gave her any trouble after the surgery. This time I had to tell the vet at the Humane Society that I had no more money for the expensive antibiotic, Baytril she needed or for any prolonged treatments. We had spent close to $3,000 on the surgery and all of the aftercare up until this point. I was so grateful when Dr. Veazey took care of her one more time for little or nothing. I have to say that I truly believe these wonderful people who work with the Humane Society are angels of mercy. It turned out that the problem wasn't quite so serious this time and once agin Buffy was doing well. Until recently, that is...
Off and on we'd noticed some bloody diarrhea but everything else about her seemed fine. She was eating well, she was active, she was Buffy. Since all of these medical problems started for Buffy I had become very aware of her habits and what seemed normal and what didn't. When I noticed she had stopped eating again or at least wasn't eating all of her meal - the red flags went up. She was also shaking her head again. We checked all around her neck and behind both ears but could not detect any swelling. But just to be on the safe side I had called the vet at the Humane Society from work and ordered some Baytril and some liquid pain medication. I knew if Buffy was in pain I wouldn't be able to get her to take the Baytril without giving her something for the pain first. When I got home from work that night, it was then that I saw where the pain was coming from. Poor little thing had a lump on the right side of her little face. At first it was hard to see because of her ear hanging halfway over it. But it was there and I knew then that it was the source of what was wrong with her for the last few days. By now, though she could barely walk. She could get up but it seemed like having to move or walk was very difficult for her. Another thing Buffy had a habit of doing whenever she was in pain was to keep herself isolated from the other dogs. She'd find a quiet spot in the corner or under the table where she would be out of their way. I'm sure that was her way of protecting herself and keeping the other dogs from accidently bumping into her or anything.
So instead of going to pick up her medications I took her to the vet to see what and if they could do anything to help her. The only difference between now and last year is that now we no longer had the financial resources to pay for any prolonged treatments. I left her in good hands and went off to work. They called me a few hours later and told me that she had a lump the size of a peach in her right cheek. At that point they didn't know what it was or if it was related to the infection that caused all of her ear problems. They did tell me how much it would cost though - almost $200 and that didn't include the lab work or cultures that would have to be done to determine what this was. The vet was going to pay for those herself (which I thought was very sweet).
Nevertheless, my heart just sank. I knew if it was going to be that expensive just for today's treatment, there would be more and more bills to get her through this. Bills that we just couldn't afford. What does a pet owner do when faced with a situation like this? Say goodbye because you don't have the money to get them well again? That's exactly where we were. I told the vet not to do anything because I couldn't afford to pay for it and that I'd pick Buffy up after work. Of course, it was then that she brought up the subject of considering having to Buffy euthanized. I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to discuss it. I also didn't have a choice. It was inevitable, I guess. When I took her in that morning it hadn't even crossed my mind that it would be the last time I would see my little angel. And silly as it may sound I regret not having been able to tell her goodbye or hug her one more time and tell her how much I loved her. I can still see her walking down the hall with the attendant who was taking her to the back. In the past, Buffy would always tug on her leash to try to come with me when I would leave her. This time was different, she started to do that and then just turned around and followed the girl to the back where they keep her until the vet can see her. It makes me wonder if she sensed what would happen.
I called my husband because he gets off of work before I do. He met me where I work and we talked and cried and talked some more. Like I said, it was the hardest decison we ever had to make. And the fact that we had to make the choice at all was even worse. I hated the thought that I couldn't even be there with her when they gave her the injection but my husband went and signed the papers. He stayed with her the entire time until the very end. He cried, the vet cried. And Buffy finally rested with no more pain, no more suffering. They wrapped her in a rainbow towel and then put a baby blanket around her. My husband put her on the front seat next to him and drove home. He then carried her into the house to say goodbye to our other dogs. Then he took her to the back of our property and found a shady spot under a tree and laid our baby to rest.
I don't know how I made it through the rest of the day at work but I did, until I got into the car to come home. I had to stop somewhere to cry. When I felt I could, I started for home again. It was when I got here and saw my husband's face that I broke down completely. I never realized what an impact this was going to have on us. I had never lost a pet before and losing Buffy felt like so much more than I could handle. I thought the tears would never stop but for a while they did - long enough for me to help my 12 year old son. He was taking it pretty hard too. It's been several days now and still when I think about her being gone it hurts so much. The guilt, though is the worst part for me. Why didn't I take better care of her? Why didn't I know about the ear problems sooner? Why? Why? Why? I even felt myself wondering if I'd made the wrong choice to have her put to sleep. What if it wasn't that serious this time? What if she would have gotten better without the expensive treatment?
My husband told me that the vet had run some blood tests between the time of my conversation with her and the time my husband arrived to sign the papers. It turned out that those tests and the physical exam she did on Buffy told her that our baby also had tumors that we were unaware of. Buffy had developed some fatty looking skin on her chest that we thought was just a touch of "old age", like saggy skin. But the vet said that was a tumor and that it was beginning to grow into her throat cutting off her airway. We had noticed in the couple of days before taking her to the vet that she was sort of wheezing but we knew she had allergies and thought that was all that was. We also noticed that she snored quite loudly when she was sleeping and even thought it was kind of cute but had no idea it was related to any kind of tumor. So, in the end, the vet told us that all of the surgery in the world would not have helped Buffy because the tumors were there and would have eventually caused her to die.
Up until I heard that bit of news I kept thinking that maybe I had been wrong to put her to sleep. I think it was probably more selfishness on my part though, I just wanted her back - but I didn't want her back in pain or to see her have to suffer any more. The pain was mine now, not hers. As painful as it is to not have her anymore it relieved Buffy's pain and that's one of the things that is helping us to get through this ordeal. Also, writing this memorial for her is helping. Just a way for us to accept that she's gone but not forgotten.
Buffy came into our lives when she was 8 weeks old. We already had a male Cocker Spaniel, Rusty who was 2 years old at the time. He was "all grown up" but when Buffy came along she immediately made her presence known and became the "queen" of the house. She pushed Rusty around unmercifully and he let her. But they always got along well as long as he remembered his place as far as Buffy was concerned.
Oddly enough, Rusty has never had ear problems like Buffy did. The vet said that maybe it just ran in her family and maybe it would have and could have still turned out this way no matter how careful we had been. All I know is that we miss her terribly and she will always live on in our hearts. The memories of her and all of her funny little ways... The way she loved to snuggle and curl up at everyone's feet on the couch, the way she had of carrying her little yellow football everywhere she went and how she dared anyone to try to take it away from her, the way her tongue always stuck out of her mouth, her beautiful little face...
We love you, Buff!