How can I write this through my tears? My loss is almost overwhelming. Just a warning that this will run very long. Shadow came to me when I moved from my hometown to Miami back in 1984. A friend's cat had kittens and she gave them away to people living in the apartment complex. She gave the runt to a guy whose apartment she cleaned. Because she didn't like the way the kitten was being treated, she stole him back and gave him to me. He was this adorable little black tabby with the biggest ears, longest tail and most green eyes I've ever seen. All he did when he came to my place was cry. Nothing I did seemed to help. I almost decided to give him back, but took him to a vet instead. The vet diagnosed Shadow with ear mites, bad case of fleas and a severe upper respiratory infection. Needless to say, I felt guilty for being annoyed at his constant crying, so I took the next three days off from a brand new job to nurse him. That was the beginning of the most special bond between us. When I left Miami to return home, Shadow drove with me. He would sit on my lap with his front paws on the top of the steering wheel, or wrap himself around my neck. Sneaking him into hotels was easier than I thought, he loved being cuddle up against me, so under the shirt he went. Shadow slept with me every night. My folks would tell me that they would know when I was five minutes from home after work, because regardless of what time I left the office, five minutes before I pulled up Shadow would run to the front window. In 1987 I was diagnosed with cancer. At that time Shadow and I had our own apartment, but for recovery purposes I planned on moving into my folks home for a brief stay. Right before surgery, I went on a two week vacation. When I returned, Shadow was very angry that I had been gone. He didn't welcome me home, didn't sleep with me for a week. I had a lot of kissing up to do for him to forgive me. I went into the hospital in March, I spent 30 days there. I was told I would never be able to carry a child so I shouldn't think about being a mother. When I returned home, Shadow jumped on my lap before I even made it in the door. He knew the difference between the vacation and the hospital. My Dad once told me that he had gotten up in the wee hours of the morning to check on me and found Shadow curled up in the crook of my neck. Shadow was a great judge of character. I could always tell if the guy I brought home was going to be worth the effort. If Shadow didn't like the guy he would hiss and I would know there was no hope for a relationship. My motto became "Love me, Love my Cat". Of all the guys I dated there was only one that Shadow really took to. Shadow would sit on his lap, rub up against him. Needless to say, today that man is my husband. Long before I met my husband, and shortly after my surgery, I resumed a relationship with a guy I had been dating before the diagnosis. We had had a very physical relationship before and made one attempt to resume it. The guy said some awful things to me and hurt me deeply. With what he said and being told no children, I became very depressed and decided on suicide. I sat on my living room floor with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a vial of pain pills. The plan was one shot, one pill. After the first shot, Shadow climbed into my lap and licked my face. My first thought was "who would love my cat like he needed to be loved"? Shadow saved my life that day and our bond became even stronger. I was able to tell Shadow everything, good, bad and ugly about myself and always got in return his unconditional love and acceptance. I always joked that if anyone wanted to really know me they had to discover a way to make cats talk. After I got married, much to our surprise I had a baby. It was a difficult pregnancy from day one but Shadow was there through it all. I have so many pictures of him sprawled across my tummy while I was on bed rest. After my son was born, I didn't have as much time for Shadow as I used to. The guilt of that alone just about broke my heart, but Shadow took it in stride and jumped at whatever chances he had for time with me. He bonded with my son quickly and would alternate between my bed and my son's crib at night. Shadow started having tummy trouble about six years ago. He had a spastic intestine. Medication did the trick for a time. Then two years ago his lungs started getting fluid in them and his heart wasn't working well. A year ago the vet started to prepare me for the day I would have to say goodbye to my friend and hero. I made the appointment to ease his pain only to cancel it time after time. I was having the hardest time with this decision. I finally made the appointment on July 17, 2000 and kept it. Now I am lost. I never thought the pain would be so intense. I imagine I see Shadow out of the corner of my eye all the time. I expect him to meet me at the door. I miss him so much and the pain at the loss of my wonderful cat seems never-ending. Shadow was and always will be a remarkable cat. I will love him always and miss him until the day we meet again. I miss is body next to mine at bedtime. I miss the way he would meet me at the door or use his litter box the same time I had to use the toilet. I miss the way he would call me when he heard me outside. I miss everything there was about him. My heart couldn't be more broken then if my son passed away. My heart is in a zillion pieces and I'm not sure it will ever be whole again. If you read my story about Shadow - the perfect cat, please say a little pray for him.