Sugar Bear, sweet, brave, tough guy, strong, and stubborn Sugar Bear. I miss you so much already. You were always so eager to see me with your wagging tail, perked up ears, and a heart so huge that I didn’t know how you kept inside such a little body. Tonight was your last night on this earth with me. You passed shortly after midnight on Friday morning 12/27/02. My Christmas dog. Thank you for the last Christmas together where you got some treats, and a couple nibbles on a yummy gummy twisted rawhide bone. I was also able to take some pictures that night. I am so glad that my parents got to see you one last time. I am so thankful for the Santa picture I have of you and your bratty little sister Anna Belle that was taken only 4 days before you left us for doggie heaven. I know you are happy and well there. I am so relieved that you went with a full tummy of kibble, chicken, grapes, and water. For my little dog that loved food so much, that’s what I would’ve chosen for you. I am so blessed that I was holding you in my arms when you died. For my little dog that loved me to pieces, that is what I would’ve chosen too. I hope that you know that I am so thankful that you shared your life with me Sugar Bear. I love you always and forever. Thank you so much for waiting for me to come home. I am so sorry that I wasn’t here all day to hug on you and make you comfortable. I think I held you through your last stroke tonight, and I am glad that I could comfort you then. I am so sorry that I couldn’t make you better fast enough. I hope you know that I tried. I hope you know that I tried so hard. It just wasn’t enough. Please understand and forgive me, I didn’t know what else to do. I noticed your head tilt right away when you came home that Tuesday 12/3. I called the doctor the very next morning. I watched you every day. I took you in to see the doctor again on Friday 12/6 - he didn’t do enough for you, so I searched to find other answers. I called a very caring doctor named Dr. Barclay and she helped through a lot of stuff, and she also helped me financially through some of your diagnostics. She even listened as I complained and worried (and ranted and raved) about you. We made an appointment for Wednesday 12/11 at the neurologist, but by Sunday I was worried enough to take you into the doctor to make sure you were all right. When we went to see the neurologist on Wednesday, they hospitalized you immediately. Tracy and I went to visit you twice a day every day that you were there. We even brought you your very favorite treat, French Fries from Wendy’s, until we learned that we weren’t supposed to do that. I also cleaned your ears, and brushed your fur the next night, and made sure that your blood pressure was being monitored. We came to get you discharged from the hospital on Friday 12/13 and they tried to show us how to use slings to help you walk. You wouldn’t walk a step for them, and I worried about how we were going to take care of you at home. And you surprised everyone again, you got home, and you started toddling about the kitchen. Sure you fell some. But you sure did walk! Shows them. And then Tracy and I got the slings on you so that you would be supported in case you fell while going outside, and you refused to move an inch with them on. So we dropped them, and you trotted out the door :) you silly dog. And then there was that Friday after, where I let you outside in the cold, and by the time I had Tracy check on you, you were down and couldn’t get up by yourself against the wall. I think you had a second stroke that day because you couldn’t figure out why you were out there alone in the cold. I should’ve come out there sooner. I should have thought more about how serious your stroke was. But I was too caught up in believing in you. That you were Sugar Bear and that you could do anything that you wanted to. I am sorry. I didn’t know. Please forgive me. But you were SUCH a brave and strong dog - I can only hope that one day, if I am ever sick like you, that I could be 1/2 or maybe even 1/10 as brave and strong as you were. Even though that morning you were in perpetual rolls, you were able to walk that night. Such an amazing, determined, dog. I am so glad that you no longer tremble, are no longer afraid, and have Samantha to guide you. I remember this funny little dog called Honey. I was bored and reading all the newspapers in my hotel room at the Bethesda Marriott during a conference while my dad was taking care of your sick sister Samantha. I saw an ad that said 2-4 year old male buff cocker spaniel. I thought to myself, perhaps I can get Samantha a friend to get better with. So I called and made arrangements to go visit you. Turns out that you had been on death row for THREE WEEKS and no body could see that wonderful dog that was inside of you, begging to get out. They could only see the unkempt, skittish, little dog with missing teeth :(. I played with you some in that fenced yard, and Samantha seemed to like you. So it was fate. You were going to come home with us. But what about the name Honey? How could I possibly name you Honey? First of all, it was a girly name, and then, you didn’t even know that it was your name anyway! It was like calling me Susan or Judy! So I tried calling you all kinds of different names, since Honey obviously didn’t work. Although your coat IS the beautiful color of honey. And you are certainly as sweet as honey! One day I said Sug, and you turned your head! And so your name was built. Sug became Sugar, which then needed a masculine edge. And then came Bear. And hence, Sugar Bear, was named. Sug is where it all started and what you responded to the most. I did notice that you didn’t have your 2 front teeth back then, but it made no difference to me. Maybe for Christmas this year in doggie heaven, you’ve gotten your 2 front teeth back now. I hope so, because I cant even imagine the kinds of shoes, purses, pig ears, and bones that you could chew through with a FULL set of teeth! All kinds of leather! And I know your tartar is gone now too, all those years of listening to the vets tell me how awful your teeth were, how little they knew! So you came into my life in February 1998 to help Samantha get better, and you did a great job at that! Within days, you had Samantha up and running along with you. You were so shaggy and unkempt when I got you. And so food obsessed! I guess some things never change, eh? I knew that you were a great little dog that was scared inside and shaggy outside, and I was so right! Remember how you couldn’t stop panting for DAYS when I first brought you home? I don’t know if you were excited or scared, but I am glad that you made my house your home. And that little stubby tail of yours just didn’t quit. There were times when you would be sitting in a dirt field, and you would raise a fan of dust behind you because of how much and how fast you would wiggle that tail at me. You had been so mistreated before we found each other. I always said that you had a big empty bucket of a heart that needed to be filled with love, and once that bucket was filled by me, you were the bestest dog. Remember how scared you were of people at first? We fixed that, huh Sugar Bear! From my very first Jeep Jamboree to who knows how many dozens and dozens of Jeep trips that I have been on, you were with me. You were always with me! You never did like kayaking though, remember that? But you liked to camp, explore, and roll around in the leaves on your back. You’ve escaped from my tent twice now. Once when you were new, and you and Samantha got out. I walked and walked around til you two hooligans came back. And then recently, in Kentucky, you escaped. But we found you by the trash bags, imagine that! Oh and the 2 times that you escaped from the new house here in Moffat, the one with you favorite window to peek out of. Once Tracy found you in an alley, digging through trash. Then Tony found you in someone’s garage! Digging through their trash :) I never did have very good luck with you and trash cans. Remember how you first figured out that you could stick your head in to the rotating green trash can and pull out goodies? Well mom had to go get a $100 trash can to fool you, and it worked, for a couple years, and then all of the sudden, you were able to get into it with 100% certainty when you wanted too - argh! But cute too. You were always so cute. I said it so many times it must have sounded so old and boring to you, that you were so abundantly and amazingly cute. Every day I would look at you and wonder how you could fit all that cuteness into you. Your floppy ears that perked up. Your huge huge huge paws. Those big brown eyes. That full round belly. That wiggly tail. Those ferocious teeth. That cuddly curly fur. That bark that meant business. The whimper that meant “I need you”. All of those and more the things that made you Sugar Bear. And you how LOVED to play explorer. You could go for hours and hours and hours around and around and around the coat rack, or the table cloth, or a sleeve dangling down, or the comforter. Inside the closet at the old house, under my desk, around the couches and coat rack with my dad’s robe on it. I am so glad that you found so many cool places to play explorer at our new house. That little creepy crawly slow walk you would get, like you were some brave jungle safari dude was the absolute sweetest. Just like you. One of the absolute cutest things you did was roll around on your back with all 4 paws in the air. Just wriggling around, without a care in the world. You did it every time we were out in the woods, and you even did it at the Duke Gardens. It was precious, and I treasure that memory close to my heart because I know that you were so happy when you got to play outside. Your paws were perhaps the most amazing physical feature. They were so huge! I used to say that you fought big dogs because you figured that your paws were just as big or bigger than theirs! You were so cute batting at your ears, or at a ball, or at us when we played. And that little play bow that you did to stretch with your paws out, butt up, to show us that you wanted to play! Sugar Bear was the cutest! That dream that I had, where everyone that I loved forgot me and left. Only one came back for me, and it was you Sugar Bear. Came back to get me, wearing a hard hat. That dream means a LOT to me. It did then, and I think it does so more now. You came trotting back, to find me, because you would NOT leave without me. I love you so much for that. Even til the very end, you were always concerned with watching and guarding the door for me. The day before you died, I woke up to see that you had crawled out of your bed to lie right underneath me at the couch, facing the door of course! You loved to cuddle, but on your terms. But your terms, in retrospect, always involved being on the lookout for me instead of snuggled into me. You would press your whole little body into my side, or curl up in between my legs when I slept frog style to be surrounded by me. Always protecting me. Always making sure you could see the door. What an angel. You never lost that pound puppy heart. It broke your heart every time we were apart, even if it was just a couple of feet. The only thing you wanted was to be close to me, and how could I possibly be angry about that? You would bark for HOURS and HOURS to find me. Even in the doggie ICU, the night I knew you weren’t being treated well, you knew I knew, and you barked for me, we came to bring you home the very next day. And you were always so brave too. Sometimes to a fault :)! You would start fights with the biggest of dogs, and then not back down. And even if you were hurt, you would just go off into a corner and try to heal yourself. I’m sorry about the fight that you and Anna Belle got into over that stupid bone. I wish that I could have protected you better, I should have. My brave little bear, that could fight anyone and anything! Remember that time we flew home to Texas on your first Christmas with me, you and Samantha made me change to Continental so that I could fly the two of you together. And you did SO GOOD on your first flight, better than Samantha, but then again you had your big sister to tell you that everything was going to be ok and that mom was going to be on the other end. And we got stuck! In Houston! So we each had a roast beef sandwich for dinner! What fun. What fun living with Sugar Bear was. And smuggling Sugar Bear! You were so patient with me. We put you in a duffel bag to get you inside hotels across the country. What an angel. I don’t know of too many dogs that would be willing to sacrifice such a thing. But I think you knew that I wouldn’t do anything bad to you. That there must be some good reason for this to be happening, and that mom would take care of you. You were right. We did it, so you could be with us all the time, where you were happiest. You were such a good co-pilot. I don’t have any idea how many jeepin trips you went on with me. Dozens and dozens! You simply laid your head on the center console and went to sleep. Or you looked out the window. You loved to curl up on the seat and wait for me, and I have so many pictures of you looking out the window for me to come back too. You made so many friends in so many places. You ate so many yummy things on those trips too! Some times against my wishes, but oh well, right?! And how you liked to stay at your grandparents’ house! You stayed there for about 3 months in 1999 and about 6 months in 2001. what fun! 5 walks a day, 15 treats a day, neighborhood kids to play with, my parents to keep lively. You did such a good job. Remember when my mom got really sick, and you stayed to keep her company with Samantha? That was good of you, and just another instance where you were an angel. You were such a lucky dog, you had TWO homes, one in Chicago and one in Lubbock! You never did like to lick people. You liked to sneeze on them. It was always such an honor to get sneezed on. Sugar Booger. Wonder where that name came from? :) Sugar Bear’s boogers were the highest compliment in my eyes! Although I did catch you and Anna Belle kissing a few times you old softie! I am so blessed to have had you this last year. After Anna Belle joined our family, you were a new dog. You were a puppy again. You played, jumped, ran, chased, and more! I am so glad that you were so happy this last year with your sister Anna Belle. I loved watching you two snuggle together. I loved watching you chase a tennis ball and steal it from her. I loved watching you eat a pig ear like a potato chip. And when she ran from the window to the door, how you’d just meet her halfway :) because her legs were so much longer than yours. How you showed that you were still boss and wouldn’t take her bully act. And how I got to see you be the dog park police too! And playing head snuggle war on the bed with Tracy and how he’d scratch your paws and watching the two of you play wrestle. I love the memories of you and Anna Belle and Tracy. I know that she wasn’t always the most gentle with you. And that she made trying to get well hard sometimes. I hope that you will forgive me and her. I tried to show her. I tried to correct her, but I simply don’t think she knew better. She tried to come with us to the hospital. And she tried to sniff you when we came home. I know she will miss you dearly. I know that sometimes Tracy wasn’t as patient with you as I am. He was very good to you though. He helped a lot. He tried very hard, and he kept me going when I was so scared for you. He is so sorry that he is not here with me now. I gave you a kiss on the head from him, I hope you felt it. He will miss you dearly too. We all will. Because you were and always will be a ray of sunshine into our lives. And I wish that he were here now too, because I could sure use one if his big bear hugs, the 3 of us, dora bear, tracy bear, and sugar bear! I am so lucky to have found you. Such unconditional love. Such unwavering loyalty. Such commitment, bravery, and strength! Thank you for sharing you life with me. I am so sad and lonely and heartbroken without you, but I also know how hard the past few days have been on you. I kind of knew that you might be leaving, but I just didn’t want to admit it. I thought that with love strong enough that we could make it through anything. I was so proud of you for learning to first lean your neck left so that when your head tilted, you would be looking straight…but that meant you walked in a diagonal line. So then you figured out how to walk sideways! Even though you tripped more, you were able to go straight! You learned that you couldn’t do your shake and wiggle while standing, so you learned to shake and wiggle from the neck back, and to do the full body wiggle when you were safe with me. What amazing accomplishments! But sometimes, its just your time I know. And Sugar Bear, you were needed more elsewhere. You’re happier and healthier elsewhere. I am so glad that you no longer know fear, loneliness, pain, or uncertainty. It was terrifying to watch you get worse and feel so helpless. I hope that you know I tried. Very hard. So very hard, and I don’t know what else I could have done, but I wish that I could have. I do with all my heart wish that I would know how to have helped you more. I am so sorry Bear. I love you so much and I couldn’t help you at the end. I could only hold you. I hope you could feel me. Please forgive me and let me know that you understand somehow. I tried to make you comfortable, I cleaned up after you without a complaint. I fed you chicken and bananas. I wanted so much for you to get well. I love you with all my heart, and that I would do anything to have you back again. I think your frantic tail wiggling at the very end was a sign to me. I am going to take it as such. Such wiggling from you! I hope that it meant that you were happy and relieved to be going to doggie heaven. I think that you were tired of being scared and sick and that you were glad to be rid of your earthly pains. You were so brave and so strong, all the way to the end. For just a couple of moments, you even raised your head and regained your balance for me last night. You make me so so so proud of you. I hope you can see me now Sugar Bear, and see how much love there is in my heart for you. You can run now, you can jump now, you can play now, you can chew on peanut butter kongs and chewy pig ears all day long now. You can roll in the leaves on your back and chase little balls, and cuddle in nice cozy beds now. You can play explorer in so many cool places now. Have a lot of fun in doggie heaven Bear, and I’ll be there to get you soon enough! I have never seen such love like yours. Your heart is so big, and so golden. You taught me to be bigger than myself. You showed me what true love means. You are the definition of forever love and lifelong friend and I am so lucky that you chose me. Godspeed, and I will see you again one day. Wait for me, because I will come get you! I made a promise to you that I will not break - we will be together forever. Til then, keep Samantha well and you two stick together. I love you both very much. Send her my love and good wishes. Stay out of trouble and too many trash cans :) Til we meet again…