My Malachi, My Love July 3, 2003........On July 1, 2003, the deadly killer Bloat sneaked up on you, my precious boy, and stole your last breath from you, taking you from this earthly life that we shared together. My daughter and her two dogs were down, so I had put you outside for the few days they would be here. I had last seen you at 6:00 that night when I gave you food and water. I gave you hugs and kisses and I said to you, Youll be back in the house with mama tomorrow, baby. Tomorrow never came for us. I went outside at 8:30 to put Hope in her kennel and to say goodnight to all the furkids. I saw you lying in the dog house, thinking you must be sleeping, but then I saw your head hanging out of the dog house. You didnt move, which was so unlike you. You always responded to my voice and you always heard me when I came to the kennels. You were always so full of excitement, jumping up to give Mama hugs and kisses. I called your name, still you did not move. My heart began to pound as I started shouting your name. "Malachi! Mal!" You didnt move. Immediate fear filled up inside me as I called your name over and over and hurried inside your kennel. Somehow before I reached you, I knew you were gone. I reached your body and could see you had been taken from me. You were still warm and your body was limp. That painful moment of reality seemed so unbearable. How could this be happening? I wrapped my arms around you and held your head in my arms. I hugged you so tightly.. Could you feel me, Mal? I felt as though my heart was being ripped from my chest. I sobbed and cried and screamed for John who was inside the house. As I looked you over, I knew that the deadly killer Bloat had taken your life. I again screamed for John over and over, but he did not hear me. I had to leave you as I ran to the house, bursting through the door screaming, "Malachi is dead!". Shannon was shocked, saying, "WHAT?!" John was upstairs and I screamed telling him you were dead. He hurried out of the bedroom door in shock. None of us could believe this was happening. I ran back outside to you and held you some more. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to stay with you forever. John and Shannon kept telling me to come inside. I couldn't stop holding you, petting your soft, soft fur, giving you kisses, telling you how much I loved you. Could you hear me, Mal? I am so, so sorry Mally. I am so sorry you had to die alone. Why didn't I know you were in danger and you needed me? I would have given everything I own to save your life. You are the love of my life. After awhile, I went inside to try to calm down. Awhile later, I needed to go back out to you again. I took a blanket to wrap you in for the night. I didn't want mosquitos bothering your face. I sat with you some more and sobbed all over again. Losing you is like losing a part of myself, a part of my family. Oh, how I am going to miss you, my Malachi, my love. The night you died I went to bed feeling so much pain from losing you. I was trying to let your death sink in. I laid there knowing I would never see you or feel you again. I tried to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. Finally, I went outside and brought your sister, Cherokee inside with me. She is like you in so many ways. She laid beside me all night, hardly moving.... just like you used to. She seemed to understand my heartache. She let me cry and hold her close and it was a comfort to me. In the dark of the night, I wanted to believe it was you laying on the bed beside me. I went to bed that night not knowing if I would bury you the next day or have you cremated. I didn't know what to do. The place I would have to bury your body gets too wet in rainy weather or when the snow thaws. I couldn't stand the thought of putting you in the ground with no coffin and having your body surrounded by muddy waters, worms and bugs. It seemed too impersonal and uncaring to put your body in a plastic bag or wrapped in a blanket, place you in a hole and throw dirt on you. The next day I decided to have your body cremated privately. I would bring your ashes home and let them blow in the wind as if to set you free or keep them in the house with me, or bury them. I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I would take one day at a time. Even with cremation, I wondered, "Am I doing the right thing?" "Should I bury your body or cremate?" After deciding to have your body cremated, I took you to the SPCA where they would take care of you. John, David and Drew said goodbye and then I said my last goodbye to your body. I kept petting you and crying all over again. The attendant lifted you onto a cart. I hugged you and kissed you goodbye and cried my heart out as I watched him wheel you away. I wanted to run after him and hug you one more time. I wanted to cling to you. It was so hard to let you go. Again, I wondered if this was the right thing to do. It is going to take approximately ten days to have your cremains returned to me. I love you, Malachi... My Mal.... My Mally...Love of my life...It hurts so much to lose you, to have you gone. I believe I'll never find another like you. You were my special boy. You will forever live in my heart and memories. I will love you forever and never forget you. July 4, 2003. Do dreams have a meaning? I had a dream about you last night. In the dream, you are dead, but also alive. An Akita was lost and ended up at our house and needed some human love and attention. In the dream when I first saw the dog, it looked like you and my heart started pounding. I thought it was you, Mal. Then I realized it wasn't you, but in the next second, there you were laying beside the house. You were in the dream and somehow telling me you wanted me to help this Akita out and you knew the other dog had come to the right place. I don't know what happened from there because I woke up. The dream felt so real. I could see you again and it felt so good. I wish I had not woke up. I cry everyday for you. When will it get easier? When will I smile, without crying as I remember you? I miss you! July 5, 2003. John surprised me by ordering a headstone for you. That is so sweet of him. He knows that you and I had something special. Thank you, John. We are going to make a gravesite for you and decorate it with flowers and white stone and white bricks. July 11, 2003. Today I left John at the restaurant while I picked your ashes up. As I carried them to the truck, my eyes were filling up with tears and my chest felt like a ton of bricks were crushing me. How can this be you in this small heart shaped box? It seems so unreal.. so impossible. As I walked out of the building an elderly man and woman saw me carrying the box but had no idea what it contained. The man asked, "Is it alive?" I started crying and could hardly speak when I answered, "No". He then realized I had your ashes and he apologized. I sat in the truck and I cried some more. I opened the box and it just seemed too impossible that this was all that was left of you. I drove back to the restaurant. I went inside and couldn't stop the tears as I told John that I had looked inside the heart shaped box and how I felt. I couldn't stay inside. I went back to sit in the truck. I was just too full of sadness and pain. It felt like the first moment I had found you, all over again. Mal, I am going to miss you so much! I'll miss you laying on the bed beside me as if you are a human. You slept with me while John worked the night shift. John says I probably slept more with you than I have him in the last four years, and he is probably right since he works the night shift. I'll miss your head in my lap, the sweet look of love in your eyes. I'll miss you at my feet where ever I was in the house. I'll miss your gentleness, your sweetness, your hugs, your kisses licking my face, your excitement when you would see me. I'll miss petting your soft fur. I'll miss playing with you, running and chasing each other in the yard, or watching you play with the other fur friends outside and little Macy, the Peke in the house. I'll miss seeing the gentleness you had with the grandchildren - from the babies on up. I'll miss the Nursing home visits. The elderly loved you and enjoyed seeing you and petting you. You put so many smiles on the faces of the elderly. I'll miss taking you for rides and going places with me. I'll miss our walks around town, stopping to say hello to people. Everyone who met you said you were so awesome.... AND YOU WERE! I'll even miss you jumping on me and almost knocking me over, although that used to get me a little upset with you! You were just happy and excited to see me and I understand that. You were such a good boy, well behaved, easy to walk. You were the best! Your passing has broken my heart. You are not just a dog. You are so human to me. July 15, 2003. Tonight I received a tribute that your breeder is putting together for the Akita World for your memory. I opened it and was sobbing so hard that John called down from upstairs asking what was wrong. The Tribute is so beautiful... Thank you, Tammy. July 18, 2003. The nicest thing happened to me. I had been looking for an affordable Urn to put you to rest in. I had called a local funeral home. Today I received a phone call from the funeral home and they offered me a ''free'' Urn. I couldn't believe it! I think this is a gift from God so that I could bury you and be at peace with it. I went to get the Urn and found out they are animal lovers and understand my pain. Such wonderful people. Praise the Lord for people like them. July 19, 2003. Today I got a tattoo in memory of you. It is your face looking out of the clouds from the rainbow bridge. Some people may think I have totally lost my mind, but I know I haven't. It's ok if people don't understand. It is something I wanted to do, and I think this tattoo of you is beautiful. For years, John used to tease me and ask me when I was going to get a tattoo. I always told him never, although there would be times I would think about it, but never knew what I would get if I did get one. For me to get a tattoo had to have a very special meaning, something special..... and you are.... I've been doing different things to cope with your death. I have shared my pain with the people who post messages at the Rainbow Bridge site online. I have the Akita friends on our Akita list. I have my own personal friends and family. Everyone has been so helpful and understanding. It has helped me get through these rough days. I am putting together a photo memory album of you. Although, I have many pictures of you, I find myself wishing I had taken more. I remember things about you and see them in my mind and wish I had taken a picture of you doing this or that. I wish I had a picture of you laying with your head on the pillow beside me. I wish I had a lot more pictures of you with the grandchildren... or playing with Macy. In this album, I am printing off all the email's people have sent me with condolences, people who understand the heartache, poems I have found or others have sent, and when I finish this letter, this will be added also. July 20,2003. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was so restless. I finally got about 3 hours sleep. I miss you Malachi. I cry so much. My eyes burn and my heart aches. I am exhausted from days of tears and no sleep. Why did you have to die? I try to believe that God needed you more than I did. How long will the tears go on? How long does the heart ache? How long before I stop feeling angry? When will I stop asking, "What if?" July 25, 2003. It's been 24 days since you left me. Some days it seems easier to cope, but then along comes a memory. I look at a place you used to lay, look at your picture, or see a leash I walked you with, or I call one of the others by your name or I read about someone else's heartache and my heart breaks all over again. August 10, 2003. Today is your 4th birthday, Malachi. "Happy Birthday", my love. I miss you so much and wish you were here to spend your birthday with me - in the fur........ I've been remembering how you entered my life, crept into my heart and became a part of me. We bought you before you were even born and I had chosen your name, "Malachi". We were so excited waiting for your birth. It was almost like waiting for a human baby to arrive. We drove five hours to meet you and your litter mates when you were 6 weeks old. It was that day we chose you. At 8 weeks old, you came home and into my life. Although, the ride was a long one, you were so sweet and so content riding home in our laps. You didn't complain. You didn't seem stressed, no crying or whimpering. You were just so sweet! The first night in your new home, our home, I put you in a crate for bed. You accepted it with no problems. You laid down and went to sleep as if you knew that was what you were supposed to do. Days of loving and playing with you turned into weeks, a month, then two months. We had bought you because we wanted to show you. At 16 weeks we discovered a fault that would make it impossible for you to show. We contacted your breeder. She still had one of your brothers and suggested we make a switch. My heart sank. How could I return you when I was so in love with you? Even then, the thought of giving you back seemed too unbearable. I had emailed an Akita friend, Kathy, that we met online. I asked her, "What would you do?" Her first words were, "What would I do? I'd keep the pup". She had written me a long letter, touching my heart and my emotions, trying to help me, reminding me why we bought you, reassuring me if we let you go back that someone else would also love you like I do and I cried through it all. John worked out of town, we talked on the phone and I read him Kathy's letter. Reading it to John, I was so choked up I could hardly speak and I couldn't stop sobbing as I read it and as we talked. How could I let you go? We talked about the reason we bought you and decided we would make the switch. John kept telling me if I felt this way about you we didn't have to let you go back. I remember telling him that we had to make the switch, we had to remember the reason we got you, and that I knew your breeder would find another loving home for you and I knew someone would love you as much as I do and that I would get over it. We hung up the phones. Thirty minutes later, the phone rang. It was John saying to me, "Malachi is not going anywhere. He's staying. We'll just have another pet if we can't show him." I cried tears of happiness. I remember picking you up, hugging you, telling you that you were going to stay! I hadn't realized how much you had stolen my heart until that night when I came so close to letting you go. From then on, in your short life, you continued to steal my heart over and over and over again. You became so special to me by just being you......You were always there for me.. always loving unconditionally... I love you Mal and I know you love me. It's been a rough time losing you.... A day doesn't go by that I don't think about you..... Your life was too short. There will never be another like you! I'll see you when my time comes to cross over....Until then, play and have fun and wait for me! I LOVE YOU! Mom