by Melissa Maule
My heart sank that morning. I knew something was wrong. You just weren't acting like your normal self. I had to go to work. I thought about you all day. What was wrong. Everything entered my head. I called Mom. I asked her to help take you to the vet. I needed support. She said yes. When I got home, she was already there. I wrapped you up in a beach towel. Away we went to the vet. I cried so hard the whole way there. You just sat in my lap staring into my eyes. You knew too! You looked at me as if you were going to permanently plant my face in your memory forever. I told you I loved you so much. I held you so tight. We had to wait at the vet's office for what seemed like eternity. They called your name, Smokey Maule. I started crying all over again. It was a stroke they said. At your age, it would start to get very difficult for you to live. You see, your 22. I had to decide. Let you live and suffer, or say goodbye in peace. It was sooo hard. What do I do? I know, it is time to say goodbye. The day that I have regreted for about 5 years. It is time. You faught a little bit. You didn't like the shot. That made me regret what I did. You still wanted to fight. My heart was breaking. I held you the whole time. You looked at me. I said, " I am sorry baby girl." I am sorry, so sorry. You were calm again. I cried the whole time. Then you were gone. What have I done? How could I have done that? What was I thinking? I just wanted to let you go at home, in your sleep, peacefully. But you didn't. You were a fighter. But this time, it was too hard. You would have not been happy. That is what I wanted most of all. I wrapped you back up, and went to the car. I cried so hard, the hardest I ever cried. I love you baby, and I am sorry. I already miss you. Please wake up, but you can't. We drove back to my mom's. I called Kevin, "She's gone, She's gone." We made a little coffin for you. I kept you wrapped up in your beach towel. Kevin helped me dig your grave. After we placed you in the ground, we placed a statue by your head. It is your marker for now. Until, I get something better. It is a bench. There is a girl sitting there with her arm around a little girl. Mom said it represents the love I gave you all those years. We said a prayer. This is my prayer to you, my little girl. You grew with me all those years. You always loved me, and took my side. You comforted me when things were blue. I hope you are happy, where you won't hurt anymore. Where you can't get sick. Where you always have a window sill in the sun. I love you more than you know. I miss you so. I will never again, find love like you gave me. I will never forget you Moke Moke. Until we meet again, my friend, forever in my heart and love always. Rest my sweet girl. It has been a rough road. You have been gone for almost two months now. Not a day goes by that I don't think of a wonderful memory you gave me. I love you. I will always love you. I miss you terribly. I find myself still coming home from work and looking to see if you left me and little "present" piles. This last year was a rough road for you. You couldn't jump anymore, and you were unsure of your feet when you walked. You were just like a kitten again. Only, you were not that strong in health. Peppy miss you too! He cried so hard for a week. His buddy was gone. Where did she go with out me, he thought. He took it as hard as I did. He calls for you every so often. Maybe she will come out from under the bed, or behind the couch. But you don't. I had a dream about you the other night. I cried for three days after. Just when I think that I am getting better, I sink right back down. I would give anything to be able to have you back for one more day. I would not go to work. I would take you to the park and just lay with you in the sun. I would talk about all the things that we have been through together. I would make it "Your Day". I know that you know I LOVE you so much. Life is hard. And you were my rock through everything. You weren't there when I came home, to love me and show me you care. Mokey, my best friend, my family, I will never forget. Thank you for being such a wonderful joy in my life. Thank you for all the love you have given me. Thank you for being there that day I got to pick a kitty out. Forever in my heart, I will always love you. Goodbye my good girl. It's time to go to sleep. Sleep, and dream happy dreams. For now you are a strong cat. Jump up to that highest window, and wait for me in the sun. I will find you one day. Until then...