by Jill Palmer
To my dear, sweet Pan,
I don't know how to write this letter. I don't know how to fully express how deeply I miss you. But I know if I am ever going to remember you without the tears, if I am ever going to face the pain, I must try.
I wake up each morning and make my way through each day and I wonder if any of it is real. The world seems so muted and dull and I feel lost.
I know I haven't been thinking about you alot, because to think of you means to remind myself that you aren't here. It means to feel the pain and see the truth that you aren't simply away, but that you are never coming back.
Every night I go to bed knowing that no matter how long I lay there in the dark you will never again come crying into the room, making sure I'm comfortable and the covers are pulled back so that you can take your place by my side. I close my eyes and long to hear your voice, but it never comes. Sixteen years you slept curled up in my arms, sweet sixteen and no more.
I miss you so much my sweetpea. Sometimes I forget to feed the others because you're not there to remind me. No one has ever been as close to me as you were. You were so attuned to my moods, I remember thinking when you were just a baby that you could read my mind. You were always there for me, to listen when I wanted no one else to hear. And to comfort me when no one else could. I will never, never forget you, sweetpea. We will be together again because we are part of each other. In my mind's eye I see you healthy and happy and playing with Gerr. I know she missed you. And I will carry around this hole in my heart and pretend that everything is okay. But nothing will ever be okay again without you in my life. You were my baby, my friend and my soulmate and I will love you and miss you forever. My sweetpea, until we meet again.