by Jill Palmer
My Dear, sweet, Pan,
A moment doesn't go by when I don't miss you. I love you so much it still doesn't feel real that you aren't here. I've felt such a void in my life. You know you were the only one that talked to me. I've missed that so much I felt like I needed to fill that void so that I might cope better. I found a new kitten. I named her Wendy for you. She doesn't look anything like you. She's an orange tabby. I want you to know I wasn't trying to replace you. That would be impossible. You were my heart and soul. But the emptiness that I've felt has been overwhelming. I needed to hold a baby when I couldn't hold you. Wendy loves to be held, especially when I'm at the computer, just like you did. She's learned to jump on my lap instead of climbing up which is much less painless. Strangely, she also seems to like your favorite window the best. She's the only one that lies in it. And she talks, Pan, alot, just like you did. She's even starting to remind me when it's time to feed her. She's brave and bold and stands up to the others just like you did. I know she will never be you. And I don't want her to be. She's only slept under the covers once. But she sleeps on the bed every night. Her playfulness and sweet, little mew and the way she follows me from room to room help ease the pain. I know you would love her. I love you so much Pan and there will never be another you. At first I think I might have tried to make her do the things you did, but I know I can't do that. She is her own kitty, just as you were and I love her. I hope you understand getting Wendy doesn't mean I love you any less. I whisper sweetpea each night before I fall asleep. You will always be my sweetpea forever. Wendy has brought light and joy into the dark pain of my heart. She speaks to me often and I tell her about you. How I know you would want me to love her and be happy. I will never, ever forget you, Pan. You are my sweetpea and I'll always love you as the special soulmate you were and still are.