Animals are more Human than Any of Us~Feeling Your Beloved Dog's Dead Body... At Age 15
by Anonymous Posted By Sis
June 18, 2003 Its 7:30 in the morning Yes Im awake, and why pray tell? Heck, Ive been awake since six, and I didnt get to sleep until after 4 this morning I was actually expecting what happened to happen, I think thats why I initially felt nothing Absolutely nothing Nikki died Nikki is my littlest sisters dog Nikki is the dog that has been around for as long as I can remember She wasnt supposed to die! Nothing should die, and nothing should have the power to kill When things around me die I am always left to think, and while Erin cursed herself for not praying last night, I cursed god Though its not the first time, and Im fairly sure gods been dead to me for a while now But I made the decision that in my mind at least god would be dead I dont care who anyone is One morality I have is that nothing should have the power to kill, and that includes god. god and Fate have dealt me bad cards, and yeah, Im going to blame every friggin' thing that happens to me on god, why? Because I can. My whole life its been preached to me that god is holy, that god only creates life, that nothing ever trully dies. Animals have souls, theyre probably more human than any of us, and at least they keep their innocence. People tell me that the bible says animals just die, they have no souls, and they dont go to heaven. I don't know the bible too well, but I don't care what it says. Animals have purer souls then any of us will ever have. And yes, Im going to preach if I feel like it! I am justified with anger- it is how I grieve. Yes, god creates so much life and happiness. Tell that to those in grief around me, tell that to my sister whose making herself sick crying. Tell her that her beloved dog just died, that her light went out and there is no more dog. Fine job thatll do anyone. Tell that to me when I have something worth being happy over, because for some reason, I cant remember a day in my life when I was ever truly happy. My thoughts are so scattered I hate to see grief, and I hate pain. I hate to grieve myself. I do not fear death, but I hate when it takes anything I love away. Its now about 1 in the afternoon we buried Nikki around 7:50 this morning I got to see her before my father buried her And knelt down to hug her one last time Have you ever felt something you so love and care about, dead beneath your fingers? When youre so used to hearing their breathing, and feeling their heartbeat? To not be able to? Heck, her body was still warm And Im crying again I couldnt stand to watch my father lower her into the hole he had dug in the front yard for her Couldnt stand to see him cover her with dirt Until that point I hadnt thought it was really real No one ever does And everything inside broke loose when I saw her lifeless body when I went outside When he started to lower her into the ground I had to retreat into the house I cant stand to watch anything buried its too much to bare sometimes I stayed in my room until now And for most the time was enclosed in sleep Heck, I wish people would have just let me stay asleep At least when Im asleep I dont have to feel this constant gnawing on my heart I care so much, and wish most the time that I couldnt feel anything I hate to have it feel this hurting inside And to know that nothing will make it go away All I can remember is hugging her and not being able to feel her breathing or her heartbeat And still feeling her warmth beneath my skin She was always there when I just needed to curl up and cry To get away from humanity and whatever had forced me to tears And now she isnt there anymore Everything leaves me alone I guess its just how lifes meant to be Love something, youll only have it taken away. Im drawing farther away from people lately Preferring to be alone above all else But Im going to end there (Posted by Erin. The email address listed is not that of the author's but of her siser)
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Anonymous Posted By Si
 
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