by larry lanier
its five p.m. on a dreary Thursday afternoon. I just walked into the house after burying my smallest friend and, along with her earthly remains, a part of myself that can never be refilled. As I walk in the door the sudden silence of one less life in the house bears down upon me like a wet cloak. I look at the chair my little friend always laid in and tears well up anew. Where did so much time go to and my mind keeps traveling back through the years and the visions of that little life that came into ours so long ago. Memories, although a warm and wonderfull can also remind us of what we have lost.
We first met her on cold morning in the driveway of my parents home. She walked up to my daughter, both so small, and those eyes were irresistable as they looked up innocently. My daughter said, "can we keep her", and of course I agreed. It didnt take her long to find her niche in our lives. She was a soothing presense in the house, much like a fireplace in the winter. Asking very little from us but giving so much warmth. Like most men I tried to act macho toward her presense. But I suppose, knowing that I would, she tried even harder to win me over. In the mornings she would tap me on the shoulder with her claws just out enough to let me know it was time to get up. Soon I began to look forward to feeling her weight as she hopped on the bed and her taps were much more welcome than the alarm clocks rude ring. The years went by and she aged as my daughter grew up into a young lady. We adopted five more abandoned fur babies as the years went by and Tabby accepted them as brothers and sisters. Six months ago I was rubbing her stomach and found a lump. My heart skipped a beat and next day we went to the vet. My fears were confirmed when the vet said she had a very virulent form of breast cancer. The surgery was very extensive and when she came home she was pitifully skinny. We brought her to bed with us and force fed her water and the best cat food. It broke our hearts to see her so sick and weak. She regained her health and her appetite finally and it was so wonderfull to see her gain weight. Three days ago she stopped eating like normal and I began to worry bout her. Then I saw some blood on her stomach. Today we went to the vet. I kept my fingers in her pet carrier as we drove just so I could touch her fur and my fear tried to keep my foot from pushing on the gas pedal. After the exam my fears were confirmed, the cancer had returned and spread, there was nothing could be done. Time stopped for me as the vet told me the options. We could give her antibiotics but it would only prolong her life by days and her quality of life would be nonexistent. With tears in my eyes and a failing voice I said no, I loved her too much for that, I would let her go now. She was brought back for me to hold and say goodbye too. I realized that I had no way to say goodbye to this furry bundle of love that was looking up at me with such trust so I just hugged her and cried. The vet came and asked if I was ready and I have never had such a hard time making myself form the work yes before. As I held my beloved friend she was given a sedative to make her sleep and then a shot to end her suffering. I wrapped her in her towel and they let me put her in a little coffin shaped box to bring home. On the way home I couldnt take my hand of the top of the box. It all seemed so unreal to me. Now I sit here in the sad quietness of the house after washing the dirt off my hands. I thank god for the gift of that little life that has given me such joy for all these years and I pray that we brought joy into hers. I hope there is a place for these special innocent ones in gods heaven and I hope to see her grey eyes again someday. Although we have other furbabies here that one special life will always have her home in my heart and I miss her so.
Larry Lanier