=There are so many special memories of girl; it's hard to know where to begin. Here are a few:
Girl swimming behind the ducks (all we saw were a bunch of duck heads followed by Girl's head behind them); Girl swimming at Lake Minnewaska; Girl getting off her leash at SUNY Purchase and Girlie chasing after her; Girl swimming at Central Park and rolling on her back afterwards; Girl going to see the Gates in Central Park; Girl making poo at Grandmutter's house and then coming in to give Girlie a kiss on the lips; Girl getting upset anytime she thought she wasn't going in the car with us; Girl riding in the taxi cab with us and someone thinking there were 3 of us in the back seat; Girl riding the train to Grandmutter's house and no one noticing her until she got ready to get off the train; Girl eating some cheese off the glass table at Thanksgiving (and then licking another piece of cheese); Girl playing at the Doggie run with all her friends; Girl visiting the Craft services table on the set of SWEET HOME ALABAMA; Girl visiting the set of THE INTERPRETER; Girl seeing Penny Old Crone in the street; Girl finding Girlie's wedding ring when she thought it was gone forever; seeing Girl down the street and calling her name and watching her come running toward you; Girl doing her tushy dance when she was excited; Girl seeing a certain person on the street and lunging toward him and the man responding by saying "Hey now!" and looking scared; Girl barking at the skateboarders; Girl getting scared by the firecrackers and thunder and hiding in the bathroom; Girl getting so many compliments on the street; Girl enjoying when the streets were closed for street fairs so she could walk in the middle of the street; Girl eating chicken bones off the street. . . x: Girlie
To my sweet Girl From Momma: My very first memory of you was at the shelter that hot day at the end of July in 1996. The shelter workers brought you out from the back and an immediate crowed gathered around you - you were small and beautiful with huge brown eyes. I pushed my way to the front and asked to hold you. They placed you in my arms and I buried my face in your warm, blonde, sweet smelling head. You were shaking and I tried to soothe you by stroking you. I looked into those huge brown eyes fringed by long, eyelashes. Not only were you beautiful but you had stolen by heart with your sweet disposition. I glanced around the room and knew that if I put you down, I might never get you back. There was a line of people waiting to get their hands on you for adoption. I had to make a choice right then and there - put you down and risk losing you or go with my gut and apply to adopt you. You were snuggled in my arms and I knew I needed you as much as you needed me - perhaps even more so. I approached the adoption person, filled out the paperwork and waited. They needed to call my references - I knew 2 of the 3 would be fine. Truthfully, it was my Mother I was worried about. She was worried that I just moved in the City and was working and might not be able to afford a dog. About an hour later, my name was called and I was given the news I'd been waiting for - this beautiful labrador-golden retriever mix was all mine. I could take her home in about 3 days. She was estimated to be a couple months old and weighed about 12 lbs.
Three days later I went back to the shelter to pick up Ollie. She was ready and waiting for me. It was the start of our life together. A life that now I could not fathom living alone. She changed everything for me and she taught me how to be a better person. She taught me to love unconditionally. She taught me how to survive during times when I thought that surviving was impossible. She was always there for me when I needed her. She never let me down when so many others did. She was truly my best friend, the best secret keeper, and my true companion.
It has been a week since you left this earth and my heart is still broken. I think it will be for some time. Slowly, the pieces will come back together but there will always be a crack where you should be. I will mourn your lose the rest of my life my sweet girl.
Please know that we didn't want you to be in pain or to suffer. Making the decision we did was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. Right now, I imagine you are swimming at the lake near the Rainbow Bridge, smiling.
When the times comes, I know your ears will perk up, your tail will start to wag uncontrollably, your eyes will get shiny and bright and you'll know as you run across the hillside, the time has come for us to meet at the Rainbow Bridge. I can't wait to see you my sweet girl.
Until then, please know how loved you are and how heartbroken we feel. There will never be another Ollie Molly PeanutButter Cup.
I love you. x: Momma
Grandmutter misses you very much. I miss hearing about your adventures; they made me smile. You were quite a wonderful and remarkable girl. You will be with me in spirit. I look at so many of your beautiful pictures. I see your smiling face and it makes me happy to see you looking so happy. I love you very much.
It has been 23 days since you left us sweet Ollie. It hasn't gotten any easier to be without you. I miss you so much it's painful. All I want is to be with you, to hug you, to kiss your sweet smelling head, to take you on a walk, to watch you swim, to have you here with us. Girlie feels so lonely without you upstate. She says the house is so quiet without you and I know your fields must also be quiet and your lakes silent without you there playing and swimming.
I hope you are able to see the messages we leave you each night. We will keep leaving them forever, because you will never be forgotten.
Thanksgiving is coming up and we've never had a holiday - any holiday without you. Thanksgiving was your favorite holiday though because everyone was together and someone always snuck you some food. Every year I would take a picture of you. Every year Girlie, Paul and I would take you to the field down the hill before dinner to run around. But not this year. This year there will be no run around the field, no picture, no one to sneak food to. I wish we could just skip the Holiday. I wish we could just skip everything and have you back. I know wishing for one more day with you would never be enough...I would always want more time with you. Ollie, I hope we gave you a wonderful life...I hope you were happy. I can't express the joy you brought to my life. It's like someone turned a lightbulb on when you entered my world. You just lit it up with happiness and laughter and so much love. I knew no matter what I did or how much I failed, you would love me without question or judgement.
I hope we made your world a place filled with fun, sweetness, sunshine, long walks, runs, cool swims on hot days, yummy dog food (and treats), rolls on your back through tall grass, car rides with the wind in your hair and most importantly, love a thousand times over.
We miss you.
Oh Bobby, I can't believe you are never coming back to us. It feels like you are just away for a little while. It's hard to believe you are really gone. I keep thinking about the last time we took you to the vet; the techs came out and gave you a shot to relax you and your tongue was hanging out because you were so relaxed. You were starting to slip away from us, even then. Then the techs brought you in, on a throne (because you were a beauty queen, after all) and Dr. Scoscia got ready to give you the shot. She almost started to cry because she really loved you so much. You were such a good patient and everyone at the Vet's office was so fond of you. Your Momma and I sat with you and petted your head and told you how much we loved you and how we would never forget you ever. Then the doctor gave you a shot and your heart stopped beating and you were gone. But it just looked like you were sleeping. I keep wondering what would have happened if we hadn't put you to sleep that day. Would you have gotten better? Or would you just be going through the motions? We wanted to keep you alive--was that selfish of us? Even now it doesn't seem real. You were such an integral part of our lives for 12.6 years. You were just like a person, only better. You never judged anyone, you loved unconditionally and you were always there for us. You will always live in our hearts, Ollie. We miss and love you so very much.
Here are just some other memories of you:
Girl meeting her friend Rico at the doggie run
Girl going for walks with her friend K. Shapiro
Girl playing with her damn blue bally
Girl eating poo from Lil'D's glitter box
Girl enjoying multiple viewings of The Devil Wears Prada
Lots more memories to come . . . xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello Sweet Girl,
It still doesn't seem possible that I will never see you again. I miss you so much. I long to put my arms around you and hug you, smell the sweetness of your scent, kiss your head, rub your neck, and just cuddle with you. You were the best snuggler Ollie girl.
I got a beautiful card from Dr. Shorter's office today...it was signed by all the vet techs and staff, as well as Dr. Shorter and Dr. Kalvig. Each wrote a little note about you. It was really nice and thoughtful. They realize how much we're suffering and they wanted us to know how special you were too them as well. Ollie, you touched so many people's lives. Even people on the street who I didn't think knew us, would come up and ask about you because they hadn't seen you in a long time. I explained that you were living upstate with Girlie because of my health. Now if I see them, I will tell them you are no longer with us. I'm sure they will be saddned to hear the news as they came to know you over the years you were in the City. They knew you as a sweet, beautiful dog who liked to come up and visit the other doggies on the street.
Depending on the day, I can handle seeing other dogs that look like you and will sometimes ask the owner if I can pet their dog. I explain to them that my beautiful dog passed away and they get a look of sadness across their face and are happy to let me pet their dog. Other days, I can't even look at a dog that looks like you because I just start to cry thinking that you should be here too.
I haven't decided what to do about Thanksgiving yet. I feel like it's so hard to celebrate a holdiay without you Ollie. I've never celebrate any holiday in 12.5 years without you. You've always been with us for everything and now all of the sudden, I'm expected to go on like it's normal to be without you. I know it's not fair to ruin it for everyone else which is way I think maybe I should just say home alone. Girlie thinks we should honor you by being together because it was your favorite holiday and we tell stories about you but I think that would just be painful since you aren't there. There are so many memories of you and I know that I will start to cry and I might not be able to stop. I wish you could tell me what to do Girl. I wish you could send me some sign or something telling me what you want.
I don't want to make Grandmutter sad (and I think I have) or make Girlie feel bad or ruin the Holiday for anyone else but I am still so heartbroken over losing you. You meant everything to me. I haven't done alot of good things in my life but adopting you was the best thing I've ever done. And as much pain as I feel now, I would never take that decision back. You brought the most joy and happiness to my life that I can remember. You were the truest friend.
No matter where you are, I think you know how much I love you and how much my heart aches for you. I'm sure you are bringing joy and laughter to all your friends at the Rainbow Bridge and making the transition easier for all the new fur babies that have had to leave their human families for the time being.
I keep reminding myself that in time we will see each other again. You will always remain the way I remembered you except without any pain or suffering. When you see me, I might be a little older but I will still be "your person" and I know you will instantly recognize me and come running. I can't wait until we can be reunited.
I know you are doing good deeds up there because that's the kind of wonderful, sweet dog you were. And in time, I promise to do something to make you proud - to help out at a shelter, to donate time or even when my heart heals a bit, maybe adopt another dog. Not as a replacement for you because that would be impossible, but to give a doggie who needs a good home, someplace to live and someone to love. I think that would be okay with you.
Oh Sweet Girl, I love you so much and I miss you every single minute of every day. You will always have a place in my heart.
Dear Sweet Ollie:
Today marks your one month anniversary at the Bridge. I know you are no longer in pain and you are running, swimming, rolling on your back and having fun with your friends. But we miss you so much. Sometimes I read other peoples' entries to their beloved pets and they make me cry. I wonder if people look at your beautiful memorial site and start to cry. You look so happy in all your pictures and even on your last day with us, you were still smiling. You were such a brave, strong girl. Even when you were in pain, you were smiling and giving us kisses. I can't imagine going into Agway without you; that was one of your most favorite places. Your Momma misses you more than anything. You were her baby, her best friend and companion. She raised you to be such a good girl. You had impeccable manners and people always complimented you on your appearance. During your last few days, you only wanted to near her. She didn't want to let you go; none of us did. And of course we wonder if we did the right thing. But we can't turn back time. We can only go forward and enjoy our treasured memories of you. We have so many pictures and stories of your adventures. You lived more in your 12.6 years than most people live in a lifetime. You were a very lucky girl; but we were even luckier because we got to love you. Be sweet, Miss Girl. You will not be forgotten.
Dear Beautiful Ollie,
I am so lonely without you. It seems like time stood still the day you died and it hasn't gotten any easier to be without you. I wish I could have given my life for your's. I know you would have given your life for mine if the situation were reversed. You always protected me and cared for me and never let anything bad happen to me and yet, I could do nothing in the end for you. All I could do was hold you as you passed away. Maybe there was something else I could have done for you my baby. Now it is too late for what if's. All I know is that my heart feels like it will never recover from your loss. I don't care about anything right now except wanting to be with you. I really don't know what to believe about where your soul has gone Ollie. I wish I knew. I wish I could still feel your presence around me but I don't and that scares me and makes me so sad. I look at your beautiful pictures every day and all I can do is cry and ask why you were taken away. I needed you. I know that sounds selfish but you were what keep me going and the only thing that has truly ever made me really happy. At the end, I know you were trying so hard to be brave but you were suffering and I couldn't be selfish anymore. I had to put your needs before mine. That's what you do for someone you love so deeply. It was the most painful decision I've ever made and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even though you were sick, you kept smiling at me letting me know you loved me. You remained my sweet baby girl right up until the end. I'm so sorry things ended like that Ollie. I had hoped when it was your time, you would go peacefully in your sleep, on your nice doggie bed surrounded by your toys and without any suffering. It wouldn't have changed the pain I feel over losing you but you would have been able to go on your own terms.
You meant everything in the world to me - you still do. It's still hard to think and talk about you in the past tense because I want so much for you to still be alive. I don't know when the hurt begins to heal even a little bit but I think it's going to be a long time.
You are my Beloved Girl Ollie. I grieve for lose in my life...I hoped we would have more time together.
I love and miss you so much it's indescribable.
Dear Darling Ollie,
It is now two months since you left us and it is as painful as if it were yesterday. I still see you sprawled out in the vet's office waiting to get the shot that would take away all your pain and suffering and would end your life. Girlie and I were talking softly to you telling you it would all be okay. You slipped away so quickly. You were ready to go I guess. We were not ready for you to leave us. I am still not prepared to never see you again. I grieve for you everyday Ollie. You meant the world to me - nobody and nothing will ever replace you. I feel a hole in my heart that is so large it feels like it will never get smaller.
That day time seemed to stop for me. My life as I knew it with you no longer existed. Even though you had been living with Girlie and Paul for some time, I had come to terms with that as much as I possibly could. But you dying was something I don't know how I can ever accept or understand. It had always been the two of us together and I can't function without you. You gave me strength and courage and at times you were the only thing that made me want to live. If it weren't for you Ollie, sometimes I don't know where I'd be. I know you'd want me to go on but the pain of your loss is so strong. I am so sad and so lonely without you, my best friend. All you had to do was wag your tail or thump your tail and I felt loved and needed. I wasn't afraid you'd leave me like so many others have. Ollie, you were the most loyal friend a person could have. The most trusted secret keeper and truly so loved by everyone in your life. Everyone says you were the lucky one because I rescued you from the shelter that day but the truth is, you rescued me. I gave you a house but you made it a home for us. Do you remember when Girlie met you for the first time? Oh you were so tiny! She had to get down on her hands and knees to greet you and you were scampering about. She fell in love with you and you with her. I'll always remember that day. I know you two would be bonded for life. You loved Girlie so much - wherever she went, you went. You never left her side. You were so attached to her that when she would leave you would get so depressed and go sit in your corner. Whoever said that dogs don't understand love didn't know you.
Today is Christmas Eve and it seems a little ironic that it's also the second month you've been gone. Maybe you are passing out Hannakuh presents and then tomorrow you will help pass out Christmas presents to all the fur-babies at the Bridge.
I miss being able to buy you treats and things like I used too. More than that, I just miss you my wonderful girl. You were so loved and continue to be so loved. I wish I could hug you and pet you like I used to but it's not possible. I hope soon you'll send me a sign and I'll be able to dream about you. I have so many beautiful memories of you, of our time together. I know when you think I'm ready you'll let me know.
I miss you with my whole heart and soul. I love you forever.
Dear Sweetest Baby,
It is the New Year and this is the first time I am updating your page. I hope you know it's not because I haven't wanted to, I have just been so sad and missing you so much that I guess I hoped if I waited long enough I would reach the Brige and we'd be together. Ollie, the world is a much lonlier place without you in it. The colors are not as bright and nothing seems to have much meaning for me. You brought so much to my world that how can I possibly replace you with anyone or anything? I never could. I want so much for us to be together. The weather has been cold here but on the warmer days people are out with their dogs and I remember how we used to bundle you up in your blue jacket and take you out. You liked the cold weather and were happy to be outside, always making friends and sniffing whatever you could get near. Now, when I see a dog I feel like I have to pet it and somehow those dogs seem to know how sad I am because they linger near me, lick my face or just let me pet them over and over again. I think you purposely put them in my path so that I have to face seeing people and their pets. Maybe you are trying to tell me something. Still, it's not the same as having you my beautiful girl. You were, you stil are my One and Only and that will never change. I get excited when I see a dog that looks like you only to be reminded that the chances of ever having another "Ollie" type dog are slim. I keep getting reminded of that from all corners. It breaks my heart and the truth is, my heart is alreay so shattered. Your ashes, baby blanket, chain and purple collar are still on my bed and will remain there for the foreseeable future. I don't see any reason to move them. Sometimes at night, when the pain is bad, or I'm just sad or both, I will hold onto your urn and stroke it as it I were stroking your beautiful fur. It takes a great deal of imagination to pretend that that box is your soft furry head but I try. I still have not been able to dream of you and I'm wondering when will the dreams come. Will they start slowly or all coming rushing in at once? Will they make me wake up crying or be peaceful? I have no idea. All I know is that I need to know you are in my dreams. I guess I am trying to protect myself from losing you again because I'm still not over the pain of your loss and never will be. I want my dreams to be sweet, wonderful, happy, funny dreams of the two of us together. We were lucky to have 12.6 years together I know that yet, I curse the Gods that took you away from me. I simply don't understand why you were chosen to leave me. I needed you my Girl. I have always needed you. You meant the world to me. You were my world and I was so happy to have you.
Oh Ollie, please know how much I love and miss you. I try to write to you everyday. Sometimes I can't because I don't know what to say to you except I'm devastated that you're gone. I want to tell you to live a long life at the Bridge and make friends but I also want you here with me. I want to see you so badly my love. When will the day be that we finally met again? Until then, I will always be your Momma. You will always be my Baby Girl. My heart breaks having to say goodbye yet again. I love you more than words. I miss you more than anything. You were a miracle in my life. Thank you.
February 24, 2009
It is now 4 months since you left us for the Bridge. I miss you so much my whole body hurts and my heart aches for you. I wonder what one more day would have been like together. It would not have been enough for either of us. I can't say life is the same without you because it isn't and it will never be. Life has changed dramatically since you have passed...it's a litle less colorless and much less interesting. I miss my secret-keeper and best friend profoundly especially these days. Such soulful eyes you had that seemed like they had seen the world and had such wisdom. I could count on you for pretty much anything my sweetheart. Oh how I miss you.
I have such guilt over how you died Ollie. I know that it was what needed to be done but the nightmares have started coming where I see you dying over and over again and I'm scared to close my eyes. I can see you lying on the cool, floor of Dr. Scosia's office, half-out of it already from the medication they'd given you to control your pain. Girlie and I stroking your head and face, whispering we love you to you and then suddenly you were gone. It seemed like you were still alive except your heart had stopped beating - you had taken your last breath on this earth cradled in our arms. Though I am glad you died with me there, and not alone, I don't want to relive that day over and over again. It's so painful and you and I have so many happy memories together I'd rather think about. Your death of course was inevitable but we had 12.6 beautiful seconds, moments, minutes, hours, and years together that count for much more than the moment you died. I have to process this grief before I can get to this place where I can enjoy all those beautiful times with you. I will see something or do something that reminds me of you and then suddeny have to stop myself from crying. If it were up to me, I could cry all day over you. You were the closest thing I have known to having unconditional love in my life. You saw me through so much. I often wondered what those knowing brown eyes thought, and what you felt. I do believe you had emotions and feelings and though your thoughts may not have been as advanced as a human, I know you knew what it meant when I sad "I love you."
I hope you are a happy Girl up at the Bridge. I sent you there because it's a happy place where doggies run free, never get old and never have to be in pain or suffer. They can remain young and healthy just as their owners remember them. They wait patiently for their "people" to join them at the Bridge and when it's time, they come running towards them, tails wagging, heads held high. They never forget the bond they shared no matter how much time has passed. Someday that will be the two of us my baby Girl. You will just know that I am coming and we'll be together again. Until then, know that I love you and miss you with my whole heart and soul. You are always with me.
I love you.
October 24, 2009
It has been one year since you pased from this earth but your spirit remains with all of us - strong as ever. I miss you every single day of my life. You were my very best friend and the truest example of unconditonal love I have ever known. My world is smaller and sadder because you aren't in it. I think I see you all the time, sitting on your doggie bed, around the neighborhood, and I dream of you happy and healthy. I can't believe one year has gone since we had to put you to sleep. That was the saddest day of my life and I'm sure it was for Girlie as well. I think we made the right decision but how can you really ever know? I just didn't want you to be in pain and I think you were. I couldn't bear to do that to you by sweet love. Are you watching over Chloe. She was taken from me way too soon as well. She was only 9 and I believe had as least a few more good years. She was alwasy smiling and loved life because her previous life had been so terrible. She was so grateful for anything anyone did for her. She was such a good girl and she protected me just like you would have wanted. She was sick though and it was such a sad situation when they told me she coudn't be saved. I felt so guilty much as I did with you. I didn't want her to go to a "retret" upstate where she'd become wild and feral and lose that beautiful personality she had. I chose to remember her as my smiley dog who made those around her smile too. I now have Lady. A much smaller dog than I've ever had and one I never though I'd get. She needed a home and I needed a dog in my life again so we ended up together. She's sweet and very cute and extremely attached to me. I don't think she has the secure personality of a big dog which I'm used to so we are finding our way together. I think the three of you would all get along. My 3 lovely ladies.
Today I celebrate you Ollie who gave me some much and asked for so little in return. I love you forever and ever. My love for you will never stop. I know you and Chloe and I will meet atop a hill at the Bridge YOu will hear the sound of my voice and come running, for you have not forgotten all the years we spent together. My life is richer and more wonderful for having you in it. I love you so much. See you soon my darling Girls.
Tomorrow is your 14th birthday and I can't believe you've been gone almost 2 years. It seems like just yesterday I held in my lap as you slowly passed away. I miss you so much my sweet girl. I have so many pictures of you and they help me remember you but it's not the same. You were my beautiful blonde bear - and I loved you so much. I wish there had been something I could have done for you in the end but I think we did what we had to do. You were ready to go the Bridge and see Pepper and your other friends. And then Chloe met you there. I love you so much Ollie. I see you in my dreams and wish I could touch and hold you. I know we will see each other soon. I miss you my sweetheart. Love, Momma and Lady
Tomorrow is the third anniversary since you left us and it still hurts as much as it did that day in 2008 when Girlie and I took you to Dr. Scoscia and you closed your eyes and went to sleep forever. I think about you every single day of my life and will never, ever forget what a beautiful and wonderful girl you were. I miss you so much my blonde bear and I still feel so sad and so guilty that I had to be the one to make the decision to end your life...I wish there was more I could have done for you because I would have done it. You were so brave for so long even when you were in pain and weak at the end. I'll never forget how you slept next to be that last night...I think you knew that the end was near. I keep your pictures next to my bed and I talk about you and Chloe all the time so Lady knows that she comes from a long line of strong, proud, beautiful girls. I know you and Chlo would get a kick out of Lady - she is a little girl with a big personality and she would adore both of you. I hope you run and play with the wind at your back, eat whatever you want, and roll in the grass at your leisure. My heart will forever ache for you my sweet Ollie, for Chloe too who never really got a chance at a normal life and for what I wish could have been if we only had a few more years together. I love you both so much. On this sad anniversary, please know your Momma is with you in spirit and I know you are always watching over me. I see you in my dreams my baby. Until we meet again at the Bridge...I love you with my whole heart and soul. Momma and Lady
Dearest Ollie Molly Peanutbutter Cup,
How are you my sweet baby girl? I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the treats we left for you. I thought of you when it snowed a few weeks ago because I remember how you loved to dig your face into the snow and how you'd always come out with snow on your nose. You were so silly and beautiful Ollie. Lady likes the snow too but she's so much smaller than you it is harder for her to walk in it but she still tries. Chloe never got to experience snow with us. I know it is always sunny at the Rainbow Bridge so you Chloe, Pepper, Molly, and all your other friends probably swim every day. Lady will hopefully be starting her volunteer work soon. We just have to send in a picture of the two of us together. I don't have nearly as many photos of her as I do of you so I have to fix that. And I feel so sad that I don't have that many pictures of Chloe - I thought I would have her longer than just a few months. I think about you and Chloe everyday. I miss you so much my heart aches. Your pictures are still on my nightstand and all over the apartment. You will always have a permanent place in my heart. Thanksgiving is coming up - your favorite holiday. It makes me so sad that you won't be with us. You loved being around everybody and trying to sneak treats...inevitably we always broke down and gave you some...a little turkey here, some mashed potatos there...then you'd get all sleepy from eating so much and need a nap (just like the rest of us!). You are forever with me, wherever I go, whatever I do. I count the days until I can see you and Chloe again. In my mind you are always smiling my darling girl. I love you with my entire being.
Momma and Lady
Today is Thanksgiving your favorite Holiday. We miss you so much. You used to love to celebrate with us. You would get so spoiled on this day, especially by Girlie who would sneak you turkey and mashed potatos, and rolls under the table. You also always waited patiently for Grandmutter to drop something because it was inevitable that she would. I bet there are alot of doggies and other wonderful animals celebrating Thanksgiving at the Bridge with you and Chloe. I wonder if you all sit at one long table -- it would have to be very large with alot of food to accomodate you all. Still, I wish both you and Chloe were here with us. I wish all my Girls were around me, that would make me smile. Ollie, you are never, ever forgotten, nor is Chloe. My heart aches for you both everyday. If I could turn back time and save you both I would do it. I would also still have Lady because I have grown to love her so much. She is really very special. Each of you were unique onto yourselves and I love each of the many special gifts and memories you gave me and that we shared together. I will miss you today more than you will ever know. I know I will shed some tears just thinking of you and Chlo, wishing things were different. My two precious angels, I love you and that will never, ever change.
Momma and Lady
January 1, 2012
Today is the first of the new year...2012. I am so sad that you and Chloe cannot be with us again this year. I thought about you both all day and night yesterday and cried as the ball dropped and this new year began. Somehow I always think I will see your beautiful, bright faces appear before me in real time. I had dreams of you both and felt saddened that I couldn't share this first day of 2012 with you. The weather was warm and sunny and I know you would have liked to take a long walk or go running in a field. The pain of losing you doesn't get any easier with time. We have just come to accept that you are where you need to be. I couldn't stand to see either of you suffer. What wonderful, beautiful, compassionate, and loving creatures you were. Living with you were some of the best years of my life. I truly believe Ollie was my first soul mate, Chloe my second, Lady my third. That bond will never be broken, no matter what happens in our lives. I love my two girls so much...more than tongue can tell...two the moon and back and that is very far! I take comfort in knowing you are in a happy place, filled with rainbows, and sunshine, warm (but not hot) weather, have abundant food, many good friends, comfy dog beds on which you can sleep out under the stars, and mostly full of happy memories of our lives together as a family. We will always be together, no matter what. Forever in my heart Ollie and Chloe.
October 25, 2013
My sweet Ollie Molly Peanut Butter Cup,
How is it possible that today is 5 years and one day since you left us for the Rainbow Bridge? My heart is still broken my sweet, beautiful girl. I miss you so much Ollie. I wonder why you had to go so soon? I know you were in pain and it was time to release you - keeping you alive for my sake would have been selfish and cruel and I would never have done that to you. You gave everything to me and asked for nothing in return. You were my best friend. You changed my life. You saved me. Without you, I would not exist. You gave me something to live for in the darkest of days and nights. You comforted me when no one else could. You stood by me when everyone else fell away. My beautiful girl, my whole being weeps for your loss. It feels like yesterday that you were here and then gone. I sill have your leash and collar. I will never part with them. I have your toys, your blue blanket and your bed which both Chloe (I love you my beautiful, sweet, smiley girl) and Lady have slept on. I have so many wonderful pictures of you that surround me and of course, I have your ashes where I can see them all the time - from the moment I go to sleep to the minute I wake up. Ollie, you are always with me in my thoughts and in my heart. I can't say I have ever loved any living being as much as I loved you. And you loved me totally and completely unconditionally without waiver. You were my constant and steadfast companion. We went through so much together in 12.5 years my love. If not for you, there would be no me. I think I would have ceased to exist long ago. It was you who rescued me, not the other way around. Anyone would have been blessed and oh so lucky to have you in their life. For some reason we were destined to be together and I became the luckiest girl in the world. How I wish we had a few more years together. The things we would have done and seen! But you were in pain my love and it would have been selfish and cruel of me to try to extend your life for my own sake. I promised you I would never allow you to suffer. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make - the one to put you to sleep - but I know deep down inside me that it was the humane, right decision. Still, it does not ease the pain of your loss even 5 years later. I can picture that day so clearly as if it were yesterday or today. Laying next to you, petting you, holding you, talking to you through tears telling you it would all be okay and that it was okay to let go. I could see the relief in your eyes when I said that. You were finally able to stop being strong for me and let go. I want you to know that you lit up my life for an amazing 12.5 years. You gave me comfort, strength, love, and refuge from the countless storms raging in my life. You taught me compassion, kindness, and the power of the human-animal bond. It is as strong as any human to human connection and in some ways, much more profound. You taught me that love doesn't die but that we also can't replace those we lose nor should we try. I know it was you my Peanut Butter Cup, who encouraged me to adopt Chloe and give her a home. Her life was so traumatic and painful but she was full of such love. When I looked at her, I could see the gratitude in her eyes..it was as if she were thanking me for giving her a home. Though, sadly our time together was cut way too short and it was heartbreaking to lose her the way I did, I am so glad she had a loving home and Momma for the last months of her life. She had suffered far too much. It gives me some comfort knowing you were there at the Rainbow Bridge waiting for her and you two are together. I also know it was you who nudged me to go see Lady when The Humane Society called about her. My initial response was no...I couldn't go through the heartbreak of loving and losing yet another companion. Something made me change my mind and go see her and well, the rest is history. I know you (and Chloe) are always watching over me (and Lady). I know you are happy that Momma has a companion that makes her laugh, smile, helps her when she isn't well, and helps other people she doesn't even know. I love Lady very much, as I did Chloe but they are not replacements for you Ollie. No fur baby can ever replace you ever. You taught me that it is possible to love more than one creature, human or otherwise, at a time and that it is not a betrayal of your memory. it is quite the opposite. If not for you, I would not have learned so many important life lessons. You and I grew up together literally and figuratively. It is so hard to pick my favorite memories of you because there are so many and each and every one is special and unique in its own way. I used to love how after running around at the dog run you would sit down and turn your face up towards the sun, smiling. It was as if to say, "I'm happy and content. Thank you." Thank you my beautiful, beautiful girl for all you did for me and for loving me just as I am. I will see you at the Rainbow Bridge my baby. I love you to the moon and back...always and forever.