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Memories of Autumn Leaf
12/7/21: You could never be outside without a leash. You knew you were naughty when we called you and you would stop, look back at us, laugh and take off. You can run and run to your heart's content now, sweet girl, with your brother by your side. I miss you, Batgirl.

12/7/21: You were a sweet, loving companion. Miss you.

12/7/21: My sweet baby girl, you have no idea how much I miss you. I miss the way you would jump half on the bed and wag at me, or how you would wrestle with Luke. I miss how you would roll over and expose your belly for 24-hour belly rubs. I miss how you would put your whole heart into high-fives and handshakes, ultimately always ending with belly rubs. I miss your pant laughing that always made you look like you were smiling. I miss your comfort. I miss you like there's no tomorrow. You're free now, and safe. I hope you're running until your heart is content with Apollo, and I can't wait until the day we are reunited. I love you forever, my sweet baby girl.

12/8/21: Autumn, I went outside this morning and there are tons of birds all over the property right now. I thought about how much fun you would have if you were here. I remember how you always wanted and tried to *play* with birds, not realizing own your size and strength. We miss you and Apollo so very much, Batgirl. Be good up there.

12/17/21: Luke won't lay down in your bed. He knows. You would have been so proud of him a couple days ago....he chased a bird and almost caught it. It was hilarious; he was completely airborne like Krypto the Superdog. I miss playing Christmas Bat with your beautiful ears which stood straight up and flapped like bat wings. Our special thing-you didn't let anyone else do it. Wish you were here.

12/18/21: You've been on my mind all night sweet girl. I'm remembering things, little things you did. Like how in the mornings when you wanted out, you'd nudge my hand or stand at the door and wag. Or how I could always hear when you approached my room when you wanted in. I miss listening for that. I wish you were here every day and night. I know you're okay now, reunited with Apollo and making tons of new friends, but I miss you. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I love you with all my heart.

12/24/21: Hey Baby. It's Christmas Eve already, I can't believe how fast this month has gone. I was thinking about you all last night, and all day today. I really wish you were here. It's been a fairly calm day. We've been making all the food for tonight. The tree is beautiful, there are lights up outside, and it even snowed today! You would love it, you always looked so pretty in the snow. Everything is so beautiful, I hope you can see it. I keep looking around the house in your usual spots where you used to lay, hoping you'll be there. I know it's a happy season, but I miss you so much. I love you, so, so much. You were always my best girl, so I need you to be my best girl up there. Go find Apollo and stay close to family tonight and tomorrow. I'll celebrate like you're here with me. Be good Autumn. We'll be together again someday, I promise. I'll talk to you tomorrow. All my love sweetheart.

12/25/21: Hi sweetheart. Merry Christmas! It's finally Christmas which I can't believe. It was a really good day today. Everyone had fun, there were good gifts and food, and Santa Paws even came, and brought goodies for your siblings! I missed you so much today baby. I was happy, but sad because it just feels wrong without you here. I still can't believe you're gone. I still feel you though, around the house or in my room. I know you're here in spirit, and in my heart. I want nothing more right now than to give you the biggest hug and nose kiss, but I can't, so you'll have to get some cuddles from Nami instead. I hope you and Apollo spent time together today and had your own little celebration up there with lots of love and cuddles. I know you're okay, but it still hurts. I miss you so much, my baby. Get some extra Christmas cuddles tonight, you deserve them. I love you so much, don't ever forget that. Merry Christmas, Autumn. I love you.

1/1/22: Hey Babygirl, Happy New Year! I'm sorry I didn't come on and write to you yesterday, we all had a really late night. It was pretty good though, happy. I can't believe it's 2022 already, it feels like a dream. I still really miss you. There are always small reminders around the house, in my room, in daily life that get me thinking about you. Not that I'm never not thinking about you, but you get it. I miss you. And honestly, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to navigate through this new year without you. Luke is still a good boy, and I know I still have him. He misses you too. We both do. He was sniffing your bed last night with great interest before he curled up on it. I don't think he fully understands what happened, but he knows you're gone. I hope your life up there is everything you could ask for and more. It's what you deserve sweetheart, you and Apollo both. Don't worry, I'll keep updating you here, and when I verbally talk to you. I think it's good for both of us. I'm sending you so many hugs, Autumn, and all my best wishes. Run until your heart is content baby and run some more after that. You're free. I love you.

1/3/22: Hey Autumn. I was just cleaning up your memorial a little bit. Christmas is over now, which is sad. I can't believe how fast everything went, but I promise no matter how crazy life gets I'll always make sure your space here is neat and updated. I added a blanket and a wicker chair. It feels surreal still, doing all this. In the meantime, just imagine I'm with you baby, sitting in the chair next to you. Or Nami. One of us will always be there, I promise. I have a shadow box with all your things, it looks really nice. It makes me sad, but it's nice having that space for memories. My heart still hurts. It hurts a little less maybe, but it still hurts. I try to stick to good memories, but sometimes I can't. I miss you so, so much. Luke misses you too. I hope you're proud of him, he's doing so well. Still a pain sometimes, but that's what we love. Say hi to Apollo and the others for me. I'll see you in my dreams. Love you.

1/6/22: Christmas was good but weird without seeing you sitting on the floor, patiently waiting for the treats Santa brought while all your siblings barked and went nuts. I missed Christmas Bat so much. I can still see your smiling face and the feel of your fur. You are never forgotten. You are with Nami and she is caring for you, which is so weird, because she was always afraid you would knock her over lol. I guess up there stuff like that doesn't happen. It has been snowing here. You loved the snow. Is there snow in Heaven, or is it warm with lots of flowers? Nami didn't like cold so I hope it's warm. Happy New Year.

1/10/22: Hey Autumn, I know in my heart you sent her. You are laughing. You are loved and remembered. She goes nuts for the nubbed squeaky bone just like you. Tell Nami to give you lots of belly rubs, and kisses, and Apollo too. Miss you.

1/22/22: Hey Autumn. Sorry it's been a while since I've spoken here. January is almost over, isn't that weird? I guess the year is going faster than it feels. I'm still missing you like crazy. There honestly hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of you. Everything you owned is still in place, I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Still too painful I guess. Luke is small so my room feels really empty without you. Although he was comforting me this morning when I was sad, so I think he knows. I also think he misses you just as much as I do. The sun is out today which is a nice change of pace. I hope there's snow up there with you, I know you liked playing in it. Say hi to Apollo and the others for me, I miss them too. Don't forget I love you so much. And I'm sorry for how things happened. Be good, I'll see you again someday. Love you.

1/30/22: It's been 2 months, Autumn. 2 months today, and it still hurts. Still feels like it happened yesterday. You are always on my mind, every single day. I know everyone says grief gets better with time, and maybe it does, but I'm scared for how long it's going to take because I'm still grieving you as if I lost you yesterday. My biggest thing is that I hope you know how sorry I am. Everything that happened to you wasn't fair. You didn't deserve any of it and you got it anyway, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save you and I'm sorry. And I know you're in a better place, and I'm grateful for that. I just wish you were with me. I want to be selfish and have you back because I miss you. I'm trying not to be sad but it hurts and I don't know how to make it better. I love you.

Hey Autumn, your birthday is coming up Valentine's Day doggie. Wish you were here to celebrate with us. Say hi to Nami & Popi & Apollo & everyone; we miss you all. We have a fence going up soon and I'm so sorry we didn't get it built sooner, but I know you're running free up there among all the gorgeous flowers with no boundaries. Miss your soft, pointy flappy ears, your happy smile, and your beautiful hazel eyes. Fly with the birds Batgirl. Love you. And I know you know J loved you with all her heart and always will.

2/19/22: Happy Birthday Angel! 9 years old today, hard to believe. As usual, you've been on my mind all day long. I miss you so much. All I want is to have you back. And I'm sorry I can't be with you to celebrate but I know you're celebrating with Nami and Apollo and all the others. Tell them hi for me, okay? I miss you so much, every single day. And I love you too, with every fiber of my being I love you so much. Happy Birthday my beautiful girl.

Happy Birthday, Batgirl. Miss you lots.

2/25/22: I love you and miss you so much, sweetheart.

3/6/22: It's March already, Autumn. I keep holding onto the belief that my grief is going to get easier with time but I don't think that's true. Regardless, I was listening to music and came across the song "Love You Still" by Tyler Shaw. There's one section of lyrics that keep going through my head that remind me of you. Just remember I love you forever, nothing is ever going to change that.

3/11/22: It was warm today, Autumn. We're finally starting to get into that early spring weather which I've honestly missed so much. I know you would love it, but then I remembered that it's always sunny where you are now. Even though I miss you terribly, I take comfort knowing that you're in a much better place with people you love and who love you. I love picturing you spending hours running free like you always wanted to do here and I hope you are. I can't even begin to picture how beautiful it is up there, but I know you are so happy which is all I've ever wanted. Don't forget to look down every once in a while, I'll be here looking up. I love you, sweetheart with every part of my being, I love you.

4/4/22: Hi sweetheart. So, April is here. I did a little re-arranging of your memorial here and in my room. I miss you so much, it still hurts. It never really stopped hurting, just became numb when I focused my attention elsewhere. I'm working on it though, trying not to be sad because I know you don't want me to be sad. I just can't help missing you. Luke does too. Don't worry, he's keeping things running around here, just how you would. You would be so proud of him. I hope you are, regardless, but still. Easter's almost here too, so I'll be sure to decorate your memorial for when it comes around. I love you.

4/11/22 Hey Autumn. We had a couple of really warm days-too warm-but now it's really cold again and going to snow, which is good. Every time I look at our new fence I feel sad and guilty that we didn't have it when you were here, but then I smile because I know you are running without any fences in your way. You and Apollo chase those rabbits and birds but I know you don't hurt them because it's Heaven and everyone gets along. Say hi to all our previous furbabies and Nami and Popi. It's almost time to play Easter Bat and I can see you sitting in front of me, expectant, laughing. Can still feel your fur. Miss you girlie. Happy Easter. PS. Luke tries to eat gravel, so he needs some work before he becomes alpha.

4/17/22: Hi baby, Happy Easter! I'm missing you like crazy, and I know mom misses doing your special holiday ears as well. You were an excellent bat dog and it's not quite the same with the others. I know how much you loved chasing wildlife, but instead of real rabbits, I've decorated your place here with a few Easter decorations. My hope is that you're friends with the bunnies and smaller animals up there with you. Just remember, they are friends, not food. I love you so much and I know you're being taken care of until we can be together again. Be good, my beautiful girl. I'm sending all my love to you.

Hey Autumn, missing you tonight, and Apollo too. Guess it's because even though it's cold and rainy right now, spring is on the way. It's ball playing time. I hope you have the biggest squeaky bone up there, and Apollo has a prime real estate sunbeam. Be good, both of you; I know you are. Tell Nami & Popi and Uncle S. I miss them.

5/6/22: Hi Autumn. It's May now. The weather is gradually getting warmer and we're getting more sun as well. I like it way more than the cold, and even though I know you have constant sun where you are, I wish you were here because I want to be with you. I know you're okay, but I want you to be okay here, with me. It's funny the things you hold onto when someone you love goes away, and lately, all that is for me is wishing I had done things differently with you. I don't think you're upset with me, at least I hope not ha. I miss you so much. Do me a favor and run a few extra miles up there for me, just as if I were running right beside you. I'm sure Nami will help me out with that a bit. Remember to annoy Apollo occasionally too, you know, like we little sisters do. Love you sweet girl, always.

Hey Autumn, your brother's at the vet. He did something really dumb and now he needs stitches. Got me thinking and laughing about how you acted when you had to go. Remember the day it took us over HALF AN HOUR to drag you from the car? LOL German Shepherd. No pain where you are, you big baby. Miss you and Apollo lots, but I know you're playing together, and I hope you have made tons of new friends. B. & L say hi. She's still a spaz.

Hey Autumn. It's officially June, although with the weather we've been having lately it might as well be the middle of March. It was a bit of a stressful day today, but we did a good thing. Mom and I helped get a lost dog back to his home. He reminded me a lot of you, actually. He got a taste of freedom and wanted more, just like you. I guess just wanting to be free is second nature to dogs, which is why I'm glad you're now in a place where running free never ends. Luke didn't really appreciate me hanging out with another dog, and now he's avoiding me haha. He'll get over it though, he knows I love him. I love you too, and I still miss you like crazy and I promise no dog is ever going to replace you, no matter what.

6/29/22 Hey Autumn, one more day left in June. I'm glad. I hate the heat. I like autumn :) and winter. I was cleaning and organizing the dog drawer(s) today and found a giant squeaky bone I bought for you. I know you had your green one but you loved it so much I bought you one in blue. 4th of July is coming up and I miss you and holiday bat ears. Tell Apollo I needed him the other day; there was a mean cat on the property digging holes. Orry tried his best but got distracted by a ball in the weeds.

7/18/22 HOT! If you were here, you'd be molting and collapsed on the cool floor with your tongue hanging out. I hope it is cool in Heaven. Fence building starts in a couple of weeks and I feel so guilty. Wish you were here to run and play with us. Say hi to everyone. Miss you girlie.

7/23/22: I miss you so much. Wishing can only do so much, I know, but it's more of a need. I need you here with me, sweetheart. You knew how to make things better. I miss that. Hope you're being as much of a spaz up there as you were down here. Love you.

9/1/22 It's Autumn, Autumn. Times for September Bat Ears, and next month is going to be really hard, Vampire Girl. I've kept my promise. We miss you lots around here. Boy, is your new sister channeling you; it's funny and scary at the same time.

9/18/22: You took all my stress relief when you left, didn't you girl? Just really wishing I could hug you right now. I miss you.

10/6/22: It's October now, Autumn. Mom misses doing bat ears with you, especially now that we're getting closer to Halloween. I miss you so much. It's driving me crazy how it's almost been a year. Feels like a lifetime without you and yet I can't understand how so much time has passed already. I hope you're staying close to Apollo. I miss him too. Love you.

10/8/22 The fence is almost finished and the closer we get the worse I feel. I so wish you were here so I could open the front door and let you tear outside and sniff and run and play safely to your heart's content. I console myself by knowing that you are running around in unimaginable beauty with no fences and no restrictions. I could tell myself that Apollo is running with you but he's lazing in a sunbeam. Miss you, Bat Ears. Say hi to everyone.

PS. Luke is fat. He practically took a cheese puff right out of my hand the other day. He's constantly on guard; there's been a lot of vicious sliced ham attacks lately.

10/24/22: The fence is finally built, Autumn and all I can say is I'm so sorry you're not here to see it. You would be so happy with finally getting to run on the property. I'm so sorry. I really wish I could've done more to save you and I'm sorry that I couldn't. You deserved so much better than what you got. I miss you tons. And don't worry, you're never far from my thoughts. I see you every time I look pretty much anywhere. Love you girl, always.

11/17/22 Missed you so much on Halloween. It wasn't the best and you not being here made it worse. I hope Nami flapped your ears for me. I would give anything to pet you once more. Lots of love to all.

11/30/22: It's been a year, Autumn. I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like it's been too long and other times I feel it hasn't been long at all. I honestly can't think of anything to say except that I miss you. And I'm really trying my best to not be sad but it's not easy. It's really hard actually and I'm not doing a good job because I'm really sad. I got a message recently which said that grief isn't measured in time, but when the heart is dry of tears and the mind comes to acceptance, that's when we can start to heal. I believe it's true. And I think it's going to take me a long time to accept what happened, but I think I'll get there one day, even if it takes a while. I'll be able to think of you and not be sad. But right now I'm just wishing that you could be with me. In the meantime, I know you're being taken care of, even if I'm not the one doing it. I love you so much, my girl. And I miss you more each day. My beautiful girl.

12/25/22: Merry Christmas beautiful girl. It was a great day today but having you here would've made it that much better. It was also a lazy, relaxing day which I know you definitely would've enjoyed. Santa Paws visited your siblings today and brought toys and treats. You'll be proud to know that Bernie took one of the new toys and ripped the squeaker out of it in a matter of minutes. Mom wasn't too happy but Bernie was. And Chewbacca found a new favorite toy with the raccoon tug toy. We made sure all your siblings got plenty of love and pets today, but just know that I'm sending all that love back upstairs to you and Apollo. I hope you guys stuck close to Nami and Poppi today. Tell 'em to give both of you extra pets for me and the others. Love you tons, sweet girl. You're always with me no matter what. My beautiful girl.

Happy New Year where the sun always shines, Autumn. We miss you.

1/23/23: Hey babygirl. I was missing you pretty badly the other day and actually got really emotional because of it. I'm sure you know about him. But he's such a sweetheart, girl, he really is. And I have a good feeling that if you were here you'd be so good to him. You'd take him under your wing which is what I'm currently trying to accomplish with Luke, who is being stubborn as a dog can be. Maybe send some sense to him from up there. I just think he's freaked out. It's a weird adjustment but it's getting there, slowly. But sweetheart when I tell you that he has moments where he reminds me so much of you, it's insane. Healing and heartbreaking all at once. I just really hope you like him. He'd love you so much. I miss you tons. I used to think time healed all wounds but not anymore. It gets less painful every day but it never stops hurting completely. I can think about you now and smile more than I cry, but I still struggle with it. Just wish I could hug you again. I'm never gonna stop loving you, sweet girl. Can't wait to see you again. All my love.

2/19/23: Happy 10th Birthday to you sweet girl. I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you today so I hope that you spent the day close to Nami or Poppi and Apollo. You've finally reached double digits, you're an old girl now. I still love and miss you tons. I hope you got plenty of sunshine and birthday pets from those around you. Happy Birthday, Baby. <3

4/1/23: Happy April baby. I know it's always sunny where you are which must be nice because our weather has been less than desirable, at least to me. I was thinking last night about how my life was going to be a lot less chaotic without you, but Dean's making sure that's not the case. He's getting bigger, but he's most definitely still a puppy, and he goes 24/7. I know if you were here you'd help keep him in line, Luke too. They're getting better, but Luke's still a little hesitant. I was thinking about you tons last night. Miss you.

6/2/23: Autumn it's FINALLY summer! Pretty much anyway. June's here and I'm so happy and ready for summer weather.

8/1/23 It's August, Autumn, and soon it will be Autumn, Autumn! I love Dean lots but his ears aren't silky like yours were. I don't do bat ears with him anyway; that was our special thing. He's a good dog and if you were here you would roll your eyes at his puppy dumbness. He's smart though. I hope you and Nami are keeping good company and I miss you both.

9/1/23: Autumn it's SEPTEMBER already! Crazy! I honestly hate the weather that we're starting to get, it's all glum and gloomy. I miss summer! Mom's loving it though. School's starting up too. I go back soon, blegh, and then of course all the holidays are getting closer! I'm excited about that, though it's still rough this time of year because I miss you so much. I'm gonna be happy though, or do my best, anyway. Your newest sibling is still chaos incarnate, a never-ending ball of energy on four legs. Luke still isn't happy. He'll figure it out eventually... I think. All my love, babygirl.

Hey Autumn, it's a week before Halloween and I'm trying not to think about you. I can still picture you like it was yesterday, sitting in the kitchen with your happy vampire smile and glowing eyes, patiently letting me play with your bat ears. You are still very much missed. Run and play in the fall leaf piles with Nami.

11/3/23: Hi sweetheart, I'm late but Happy Halloween. I miss you.

11/27/23: Hi Autumn. I'm late, again, but Happy Thanksgiving. It was a good day! Lots of good food and company. RJ brought Pepper and Padme over and they spent the day in my apartment, Dean had a field day with that. There were very thorough sniff downs for everyone who spent some time with them. Dean and Mac went through the rite of passage of smelling the turkey cooking all day, but don't worry, they all got wet food for dinner as a treat. Now it's time for Christmas! I'm sure Mom wishes she could do her Christmas bat with you. Can't believe it's almost been two years now. Wish you were here.

11/30/23: Two years, Autumn. I still don't understand it. Miss you.

11/30/23 Love & miss you, sweet girl. Stay cozy with Nami & Popi and Apollo. Does it snow in Heaven? I hope so.

12/6/23: I hope you and Apollo greeted him at the bridge this afternoon, Autumn. We all miss him terribly. Keep him safe.

12/6/23 Orry joined you guys this afternoon. I know you were both waiting for him at the bridge and he is healthy and strong again, and pain-free. We hated to let him go but he was suffering. I can picture all three of you together, running in a group, Apollo chasing cats, Autumn chasing birds, and Orry with all the balls and sticks and toys he ever dreamed of, on green grass surrounded by beautiful flowers. Apollo you're with Dad, Autumn's with Mom and I like to think Scott will take care of you, Orry. He liked dogs. Miss you a lot.

12/26/23: Hi girl, Merry Christmas! Post-Christmas Day, I know. But yesterday was good chaotic. We celebrated Christmas morning with presents and yummy bread/cakes that mom ordered, and Santa brought a good payload this year. The rest of the day was fairly calm too. We spent it watching movies and eating delicious food. The dogs, of course, got a special treat of ham. Things might have been a little wonky this year but we made it work, and overall it was good. Dean, of course, got to experience his first Christmas with us which I'm sure he thought was something. Mac too. And now 2024 is five days away... yikes. Send some good energy down for us, girl. We've got a crazy year ahead, hopefully, calm and crazy! And of course, you're never far from my thoughts. Give your siblings and the others our love, and Merry Christmas.

2/22/24: Autumn, I am so sorry that I missed your birthday, girl. This week... you wouldn't believe everything going on. I remembered on the seventeenth that your birthday was Monday and I swore I wouldn't forget, and then I did. But I remembered now. You would've been 11 today. Can you believe that? Or are you 11 up there? I'm not sure how that works, but if you are happy birthday. I hope you got to chase lots of birds, or balls, or just nap all day with special treats and lots of pets. Still miss you. Love you.

2/23 Happy (belated) Birthday, Batgirl. It slipped my mind too, so much going on right now, but we never forget YOU, of course. You are still loved and missed. I often wonder what Dean & Mac would think of you. I think you would all be great friends. Mac has the run of the property,and I still feel so bad that you weren't able to do that, much as you wanted to. It makes me happy to think of all the running you do up there, free as the birds you liked so much. Please don't eat them.

3/18 Spring is on the way...days are warmer and everything in my garden is budding. Easter is less than two weeks away. We all wish you were here. Your new brother would love you; your silky perfect bat ears would be chewed to ribbons like Bernie's.

4/24: I'm missing you so much. I was thinking of making a request for you in the Monday night candle ceremony; would you like that? It'll be a sweet thing to do.

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