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Memories of Autumn Leaf
12/7/21: You could never be outside without a leash. You knew you were naughty when we called you and you would stop, look back at us, laugh and take off. You can run and run to your heart's content now, sweet girl, with your brother by your side. I miss you, Batgirl.

12/7/21: You were a sweet, loving companion. Miss you.

12/7/21: My sweet baby girl, you have no idea how much I miss you. I miss the way you would jump half on the bed and wag at me, or how you would wrestle with Luke. I miss how you would roll over and expose your belly for 24-hour belly rubs. I miss how you would put your whole heart into high-fives and handshakes, ultimately always ending with belly rubs. I miss your pant laughing that always made you look like you were smiling. I miss your comfort. I miss you like there's no tomorrow. You're free now, and safe. I hope you're running until your heart is content with Apollo, and I can't wait until the day we are reunited. I love you forever, my sweet baby girl.

12/8/21: Autumn, I went outside this morning and there are tons of birds all over the property right now. I thought about how much fun you would have if you were here. I remember how you always wanted and tried to *play* with birds, not realizing own your size and strength. We miss you and Apollo so very much, Batgirl. Be good up there.

12/17/21: Luke won't lay down in your bed. He knows. You would have been so proud of him a couple days ago....he chased a bird and almost caught it. It was hilarious; he was completely airborne like Krypto the Superdog. I miss playing Christmas Bat with your beautiful ears which stood straight up and flapped like bat wings. Our special thing-you didn't let anyone else do it. Wish you were here.

12/18/21: You've been on my mind all night sweet girl. I'm remembering things, little things you did. Like how in the mornings when you wanted out, you'd nudge my hand or stand at the door and wag. Or how I could always hear when you approached my room when you wanted in. I miss listening for that. I wish you were here every day and night. I know you're okay now, reunited with Apollo and making tons of new friends, but I miss you. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I love you with all my heart.

12/24/21: Hey Baby. It's Christmas Eve already, I can't believe how fast this month has gone. I was thinking about you all last night, and all day today. I really wish you were here. It's been a fairly calm day. We've been making all the food for tonight. The tree is beautiful, there are lights up outside, and it even snowed today! You would love it, you always looked so pretty in the snow. Everything is so beautiful, I hope you can see it. I keep looking around the house in your usual spots where you used to lay, hoping you'll be there. I know it's a happy season, but I miss you so much. I love you, so, so much. You were always my best girl, so I need you to be my best girl up there. Go find Apollo and stay close to family tonight and tomorrow. I'll celebrate like you're here with me. Be good Autumn. We'll be together again someday, I promise. I'll talk to you tomorrow. All my love sweetheart.

12/25/21: Hi sweetheart. Merry Christmas! It's finally Christmas which I can't believe. It was a really good day today. Everyone had fun, there were good gifts and food, and Santa Paws even came, and brought goodies for your siblings! I missed you so much today baby. I was happy, but sad because it just feels wrong without you here. I still can't believe you're gone. I still feel you though, around the house or in my room. I know you're here in spirit, and in my heart. I want nothing more right now than to give you the biggest hug and nose kiss, but I can't, so you'll have to get some cuddles from Nami instead. I hope you and Apollo spent time together today and had your own little celebration up there with lots of love and cuddles. I know you're okay, but it still hurts. I miss you so much, my baby. Get some extra Christmas cuddles tonight, you deserve them. I love you so much, don't ever forget that. Merry Christmas, Autumn. I love you.

1/1/22: Hey Babygirl, Happy New Year! I'm sorry I didn't come on and write to you yesterday, we all had a really late night. It was pretty good though, happy. I can't believe it's 2022 already, it feels like a dream. I still really miss you. There are always small reminders around the house, in my room, in daily life that get me thinking about you. Not that I'm never not thinking about you, but you get it. I miss you. And honestly, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to navigate through this new year without you. Luke is still a good boy, and I know I still have him. He misses you too. We both do. He was sniffing your bed last night with great interest before he curled up on it. I don't think he fully understands what happened, but he knows you're gone. I hope your life up there is everything you could ask for and more. It's what you deserve sweetheart, you and Apollo both. Don't worry, I'll keep updating you here, and when I verbally talk to you. I think it's good for both of us. I'm sending you so many hugs, Autumn, and all my best wishes. Run until your heart is content baby and run some more after that. You're free. I love you.

1/3/22: Hey Autumn. I was just cleaning up your memorial a little bit. Christmas is over now, which is sad. I can't believe how fast everything went, but I promise no matter how crazy life gets I'll always make sure your space here is neat and updated. I added a blanket and a wicker chair. It feels surreal still, doing all this. In the meantime, just imagine I'm with you baby, sitting in the chair next to you. Or Nami. One of us will always be there, I promise. I have a shadow box with all your things, it looks really nice. It makes me sad, but it's nice having that space for memories. My heart still hurts. It hurts a little less maybe, but it still hurts. I try to stick to good memories, but sometimes I can't. I miss you so, so much. Luke misses you too. I hope you're proud of him, he's doing so well. Still a pain sometimes, but that's what we love. Say hi to Apollo and the others for me. I'll see you in my dreams. Love you.

1/6/22: Christmas was good but weird without seeing you sitting on the floor, patiently waiting for the treats Santa brought while all your siblings barked and went nuts. I missed Christmas Bat so much. I can still see your smiling face and the feel of your fur. You are never forgotten. You are with Nami and she is caring for you, which is so weird, because she was always afraid you would knock her over lol. I guess up there stuff like that doesn't happen. It has been snowing here. You loved the snow. Is there snow in Heaven, or is it warm with lots of flowers? Nami didn't like cold so I hope it's warm. Happy New Year.

1/10/22: Hey Autumn, I know in my heart you sent her. You are laughing. You are loved and remembered. She goes nuts for the nubbed squeaky bone just like you. Tell Nami to give you lots of belly rubs, and kisses, and Apollo too. Miss you.

1/22/22: Hey Autumn. Sorry it's been a while since I've spoken here. January is almost over, isn't that weird? I guess the year is going faster than it feels. I'm still missing you like crazy. There honestly hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of you. Everything you owned is still in place, I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Still too painful I guess. Luke is small so my room feels really empty without you. Although he was comforting me this morning when I was sad, so I think he knows. I also think he misses you just as much as I do. The sun is out today which is a nice change of pace. I hope there's snow up there with you, I know you liked playing in it. Say hi to Apollo and the others for me, I miss them too. Don't forget I love you so much. And I'm sorry for how things happened. Be good, I'll see you again someday. Love you.

1/30/22: It's been 2 months, Autumn. 2 months today, and it still hurts. Still feels like it happened yesterday. You are always on my mind, every single day. I know everyone says grief gets better with time, and maybe it does, but I'm scared for how long it's going to take because I'm still grieving you as if I lost you yesterday. My biggest thing is that I hope you know how sorry I am. Everything that happened to you wasn't fair. You didn't deserve any of it and you got it anyway, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save you and I'm sorry. And I know you're in a better place, and I'm grateful for that. I just wish you were with me. I want to be selfish and have you back because I miss you. I'm trying not to be sad but it hurts and I don't know how to make it better. I love you.

Hey Autumn, your birthday is coming up Valentine's Day doggie. Wish you were here to celebrate with us. Say hi to Nami & Popi & Apollo & everyone; we miss you all. We have a fence going up soon and I'm so sorry we didn't get it built sooner, but I know you're running free up there among all the gorgeous flowers with no boundaries. Miss your soft, pointy flappy ears, your happy smile, and your beautiful hazel eyes. Fly with the birds Batgirl. Love you. And I know you know J loved you with all her heart and always will.

2/19/22: Happy Birthday Angel! 9 years old today, hard to believe. As usual, you've been on my mind all day long. I miss you so much. All I want is to have you back. And I'm sorry I can't be with you to celebrate but I know you're celebrating with Nami and Apollo and all the others. Tell them hi for me, okay? I miss you so much, every single day. And I love you too, with every fiber of my being I love you so much. Happy Birthday my beautiful girl.

Happy Birthday, Batgirl. Miss you lots.

2/25/22: I love you and miss you so much, sweetheart.

3/6/22: It's March already, Autumn. I keep holding onto the belief that my grief is going to get easier with time but I don't think that's true. Regardless, I was listening to music and came across the song "Love You Still" by Tyler Shaw. There's one section of lyrics that keep going through my head that remind me of you. Just remember I love you forever, nothing is ever going to change that.

3/11/22: It was warm today, Autumn. We're finally starting to get into that early spring weather which I've honestly missed so much. I know you would love it, but then I remembered that it's always sunny where you are now. Even though I miss you terribly, I take comfort knowing that you're in a much better place with people you love and who love you. I love picturing you spending hours running free like you always wanted to do here and I hope you are. I can't even begin to picture how beautiful it is up there, but I know you are so happy which is all I've ever wanted. Don't forget to look down every once in a while, I'll be here looking up. I love you, sweetheart with every part of my being, I love you.

4/4/22: Hi sweetheart. So, April is here. I did a little re-arranging of your memorial here and in my room. I miss you so much, it still hurts. It never really stopped hurting, just became numb when I focused my attention elsewhere. I'm working on it though, trying not to be sad because I know you don't want me to be sad. I just can't help missing you. Luke does too. Don't worry, he's keeping things running around here, just how you would. You would be so proud of him. I hope you are, regardless, but still. Easter's almost here too, so I'll be sure to decorate your memorial for when it comes around. I love you.

4/11/22 Hey Autumn. We had a couple of really warm days-too warm-but now it's really cold again and going to snow, which is good. Every time I look at our new fence I feel sad and guilty that we didn't have it when you were here, but then I smile because I know you are running without any fences in your way. You and Apollo chase those rabbits and birds but I know you don't hurt them because it's Heaven and everyone gets along. Say hi to all our previous furbabies and Nami and Popi. It's almost time to play Easter Bat and I can see you sitting in front of me, expectant, laughing. Can still feel your fur. Miss you girlie. Happy Easter. PS. Luke tries to eat gravel, so he needs some work before he becomes alpha.

4/17/22: Hi baby, Happy Easter! I'm missing you like crazy, and I know mom misses doing your special holiday ears as well. You were an excellent bat dog and it's not quite the same with the others. I know how much you loved chasing wildlife, but instead of real rabbits, I've decorated your place here with a few Easter decorations. My hope is that you're friends with the bunnies and smaller animals up there with you. Just remember, they are friends, not food. I love you so much and I know you're being taken care of until we can be together again. Be good, my beautiful girl. I'm sending all my love to you.

Hey Autumn, missing you tonight, and Apollo too. Guess it's because even though it's cold and rainy right now, spring is on the way. It's ball playing time. I hope you have the biggest squeaky bone up there, and Apollo has a prime real estate sunbeam. Be good, both of you; I know you are. Tell Nami & Popi and Uncle S. I miss them.

5/6/22: Hi Autumn. It's May now. The weather is gradually getting warmer and we're getting more sun as well. I like it way more than the cold, and even though I know you have constant sun where you are, I wish you were here because I want to be with you. I know you're okay, but I want you to be okay here, with me. It's funny the things you hold onto when someone you love goes away, and lately, all that is for me is wishing I had done things differently with you. I don't think you're upset with me, at least I hope not ha. I miss you so much. Do me a favor and run a few extra miles up there for me, just as if I were running right beside you. I'm sure Nami will help me out with that a bit. Remember to annoy Apollo occasionally too, you know, like we little sisters do. Love you sweet girl, always.

Hey Autumn, your brother's at the vet. He did something really dumb and now he needs stitches. Got me thinking and laughing about how you acted when you had to go. Remember the day it took us over HALF AN HOUR to drag you from the car? LOL German Shepherd. No pain where you are, you big baby. Miss you and Apollo lots, but I know you're playing together, and I hope you have made tons of new friends. B. & L say hi. She's still a spaz.

Hey Autumn. It's officially June, although with the weather we've been having lately it might as well be the middle of March. It was a bit of a stressful day today, but we did a good thing. Mom and I helped get a lost dog back to his home. He reminded me a lot of you, actually. He got a taste of freedom and wanted more, just like you. I guess just wanting to be free is second nature to dogs, which is why I'm glad you're now in a place where running free never ends. Luke didn't really appreciate me hanging out with another dog, and now he's avoiding me haha. He'll get over it though, he knows I love him. I love you too, and I still miss you like crazy and I promise no dog is ever going to replace you, no matter what.

6/29/22 Hey Autumn, one more day left in June. I'm glad. I hate the heat. I like autumn :) and winter. I was cleaning and organizing the dog drawer(s) today and found a giant squeaky bone I bought for you. I know you had your green one but you loved it so much I bought you one in blue. 4th of July is coming up and I miss you and holiday bat ears. Tell Apollo I needed him the other day; there was a mean cat on the property digging holes. Orry tried his best but got distracted by a ball in the weeds.

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