8/14/24 - We laid you to rest on 8/5/24, and I haven't stopped thinking of you since. Our memories together permeate my mind, and I wish we could have more. I miss you more than words can describe. The hole you left in my heart is unbearable at times. I wish I could hug and kiss your sweet paws one last time. I miss your amazing cuddles and healing purring vibrations whenever I'm feeling down. You always knew how to comfort me. Your sweet face instantly put me at ease. It hurts me so much to know I'll never be able to hug and kiss you. This heartbreak feels unbearable but I know you're in a better place. You were such a fighter my sweet baby. You loved me until the very end and I'll always love you forever. You taught me what unconditional love is and we grew up together. You moved with me twice and always supported me. Looking at you could put me into a deep state of relaxation. Without you, life feels so empty. You left such a deep hole in my heart and soul. You were my best friend and soulmate. I feel so lost without you. I look for you at the end of the night whenever you'd come and cuddle me in my lap. You were so funny and kind baby. You always gave me that loving stare whenever we were cuddling. I wish I could hug you one last time. You were there for me through thick and thin. My best friend forever. I'll always cherish our memories. I did as much as I could for you, but it wasn't enough. 13 years wasn't long enough. I wish you could've stayed with me longer, but I guess you felt your job here was done. I hope you visit me in my dreams soon baby. I miss you dearly every day, but some days it's unbearable, as today. Looking at pictures isn't enough. I want to cuddle you but you're not here. I loved your sweet little trill, zoomies and whenever you'd roll on your back and show me your stomach. I love you more than words can even explain baby. I hope you're guarding me from above forever. I'll miss you forever and ever.

8/18/24 - My dear baby, I miss you deeply tonight. Tonight is one of those nights when I just know you'd sense my pain and come lay on my chest until it went somewhat away. You understood me without me having to shed a tear. You were there for me whenever you felt like I was sad. I watched a movie last night called "The Tale of Princess Kaguya" and the ending reminded me of how soon you were taken from me. The grief that I'm left with is so hard to deal with at times. It feels like no one understands and I know you'd understand my pain. You always did. In that movie, Princess returned to the moon in a beautiful ritual. I hope that you're up there looking over me baby. I miss you more than words can describe. I wish you were here with me right now. I don't have any tears left to cry. I'm so upset without you. I miss smelling your sweet coat. Your smell always soothed me. My precious baby. I hope we can meet in my dreams soon. Please visit me. I love you forever and ever. More than you'll ever know.

8/26/24 - My dear Siwu, another week begins without you. Losing you that mournful Monday makes me dread Mondays even more now. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier baby. I think about you every day, multiple times a day. My heart is so heavy. I miss you so much. But baby, after I wrote my last entry (above) I went upstairs to go to sleep, it was around 1am. I had asked you to visit me. When I went upstairs, I found a very small lizard in my room. I know that was you or you sent that to me as a sign. Thank you for that. What's strange is that the lizard didn't even budge when I entered the room and went near it. I was so shocked. When I looked up what it meant to find a lizard in one's room, here's what it said: "In many Mediterranean countries, seeing a lizard in your house shortly after someone passed away is often seen as that person making an appearance in your life once again to help put your mind to rest and assure you that all is well." This made me feel happy, but it solidified the fact that you're still looking out for me. I love you for that. It didn't put my mind to rest because I can't really rest without you, but I hope I can. I hope I can feel the love I gave to you all these years baby. I want to find a love that pure again. Your love was unconditional and you were there for me through the hardest times of my life and I can't thank you enough for that. I love you more than I can ever describe. And baby, people may mock me for caring this much, or think it's weird but I don't care what others say. They weren't lucky enough to experience a love that pure and unconditional. I was so lucky to be your mom. You made me the happiest girl alive for all of the 13 years you were alive. Your sweet face always made me smile. I miss your chubby belly and loving embrace. You were the best cat I ever knew and you were so beautiful. You made everyone laugh. My baby. I'll never forget you. You were the absolute best.

9/16/24 - My dear Siwu, it's officially been one month and two days without you. And yet again, it's another Monday (I hate Mondays). I still miss you more than I can describe. I went to Turkey and came back on 9/14. I couldn't get my mind off you. Whenever someone would bring up your passing, I'd choke up and become speechless because the hole you left in my heart is unspeakable. I feel like I'll never be the same. You were my heart. It feels like I can't love again. No one understands our bond and that's okay. I was so lucky to have shared all the good times I had with you. I just wish you were still here to comfort me like you always would. I miss smelling your sweet paws and belly. I miss your sweet face and cuteness. I created a photo album for you with 400-500 of your pictures. I also visited your grave today, so don't be upset that we haven't been around for two weeks. Turkey was a shit show. I wish you would give me some signs and look out for me. I believe you do. But I would like you to visit me again. I miss you beyond words and any signs from you would make me feel a bit better. I'll never forget that lizard situation. I really miss you baby. I wish I could hug and kiss you one last time. I really can't get your last moments out of my mind. They haunt me. I'm so hurt. I didn't want to make the decision but I didn't want you to suffer more than you were. Our bond was so strong that you wouldn't let go and we can never know how much pain you were in. Your sweet face couldn't complain but you were still hanging on even though the cancer had spread everywhere. What a nasty disease. You were taken way too soon. I really hope I can love again but you took my heart with you to the grave. You were my heart on the outside and my absolute soulmate. I was so lucky to have you. I'll treasure our memories forever. I love you so much, until the end of time, and I always will. Love, Melis

10/6/24 - My dear Siwu, yesterday was two months without you and I didn't even realize. Yesterday was a very hard day for me and I didn't even know it was two months without you. That would explain a lot. I miss you deeply. Life is hard without you. I'm learning to do things that make me happy. You were my happiness, so now I'm trying to navigate that feeling and redefine what happiness is. The hole in my heart is still very much there. I think about you every day. Some days are harder than others. It hurts so much writing about this. I've been running from my feelings and desperately trying to distract myself but I know the emptiness still lies there, deep within. You were my sweet baby and my treasure. Now you're my angel and I hope you're looking out for me. I feel so drained. I hope it gets easier but I still miss you more than ever, with tears running down my face as I write this. I love you forever and miss you more than you'll ever know my baby. I love you.
Love, Melis

10/22/24 - My baby Siwu. My beautiful and sweet angel. I miss you more than ever today. All I want to do is smell your sweet stomach and toe beans, and kiss your button nose that was always wet. All the tears I've cried, and yet I continue to shed more. I miss you terribly and there's nothing I can do except miss you. I miss you every day. And I look at your pictures every day. The pain I feel from missing you is like nothing I've ever felt before. It feels so unfair to live without you. You were my happiness. You put me at ease and I didn't need or want anything else from life. Now that you're gone, it's so hard to live without that peace you brought me. I love you so much, until the very end. You've changed me in so many ways. I'm glad I got to experience your love and loyalty. I'm glad I got to be your mother. I wish you were still with me. I love you forever. Love, Melis.

11/5/24 - My dear Siwu. Today marks 3 months since we laid you to rest. I miss you terribly right now. I wish you could be here with me. I miss your sweet face and stomach every day. I love you more than anything. You will be in my heart forever. The hole you left in it, however, hasn't gone away whatsoever. I miss you forever my baby. Until we meet again. I love you. Love always, Melis.

12/6/24 - My Siwushe. I miss you so much. It's been 4 months and I can't stop crying. I love you so much. Nick said he saw you in his dreams and I was petting you. I wish you would visit me too. I want to pet you and cuddle you again. I miss you so much it hurts. I need you now. I love you so much. I wish I could see you again. But maybe you'll visit me when you feel I'm ready. I think about you every day. The hole you left in my heart isn't shrinking. I feel like I lost my heart. I miss you deeply. You were my everything. I wish you were still here cuddling with me. I was so lucky to have you by my side for all of those years, but it wasn't enough. I got to know what unconditional love was like. I can't love like that again. You were my complete and utter happiness. You motivated me to be a better person and express love outwardly. I was so lucky to have you. I love you so fucking much. I visited your grave and cleaned off the leaves the other day. It always hurts me so much to visit your grave. Maybe I will garden so I can be closer to you. When I last saw you in my dreams, it wasn't a good one. I want to experience our cuddles again. Please visit me soon my beloved baby. I love you so much until the day I die. Love,
Melis

1/25/25 -
Dear Siwu,

I miss you now more than ever. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I love you so much and I wish you would visit me so we could cuddle again. I'm volunteering to help out cats now, but none of them can ever take you place. I love you forever.

2/11/25 -

Dear baby Sue,

It's been 6 months since you passed. Thinking about your illness still hurts so much. It was around this time last year that you began showing symptoms. You were throwing up and just sleeping a lot. You always made sure to cuddle with me though. Thinking about your rapid decline is so painful. You would've been 14 if you were still here. I tried volunteering to help cats, but it pained me even more. No one can take your spot. I hate when people ask me if I'm gonna get another cat. I really don't think I will. You were my one love. My one soul pet and our connection was irreplaceable. I miss you so much still. It doesn't seem to be getting better. It still hurts so much to know you're gone. You don't even know what I would do to cuddle you one last time. Thinking back on that day still makes me feel so guilty inside because you didn't wanna go. You were still hanging on even though you weren't eating at all. Having to make that decision was the worst thing ever and I wouldn't wanna go through that ever again tbh. I love you forever and ever and I wish you'd visit me in my dreams or give me some signs that you're looking out for me. I really love you so much my precious beautiful baby. Forever and ever. I lost a piece of my heart n soul when I lost you. I'll never be the same. I love you forever. Love, your mother Melis

4/4/25 -

Dear baby Siwushe,

They say that grief comes in waves and it's not experienced in a linear line, and I'm coming to find out just how true that is. Last month was one of the hardest months of my life. (I never enjoy March because it feels so long and the seasonal change isn't easy). But the changing of season reminded me even more about how you're not here to experience the coming of spring with me this year. That hurts me so much. I'm so full of anger baby. And yet, you continue to send me signs that you're looking out for me. Whenever I miss you deeply and wish I could hear from you, I look out onto your grave to see one or two little doves sitting right atop your gravestones, keeping you company and sending me signs that you're at peace and want me to be happy. But it's not easy living without you, my baby Siwushe. And especially whenever I'm bleeding, it's 10x worse because you're not there to comfort me. Whenever I'd be nearing my time of month, you'd lay on my aching stomach until the aches went away and I started feeling better. I love you so much for that. You cared for me more than anyone I know. And I can say that because I truly felt the love you'd always give me. I wish I could kiss your sweet face and little paws and smell your beautiful gray coat once more. It hurts so much to go on without you. And baby, people always ask me if I want another cat, and the answer is always no. I don't want to love another cat. I tried and even when I see cat videos, I can admire them, but they'll never be you. Our bond was so strong. You were truly my soul pet. And baby, if there's an after life, I wish to meet you again so we can cuddle forever and ever and never leave each others' sides. I still feel so much guilt because it was around this time last year that you started getting sick. I believe I had already found out that you most likely had cancer, and I found that out the hard way because I didn't take you to get an ultrasound - the doctor prescribed you medicine and gave you steroids and said that if you didn't get better after the steroids wore off, you most likely had cancer and it didn't make sense to give you chemo. That broke me into a thousand pieces. I miss you more than ever and I'm so burnt out by all the anger, guilt and resentment I have. And the resentment comes from my job giving me a hard time around this time last year when I was going through all this. I'm just about fed up with them and I'm not sure what I'll do but idk how much longer I can last in this corporate hellhole. I hope you can provide me some guidance, my guardian angel. You always comforted me in times like this. I wish I could just kiss and hug you once more. I love you forever and ever, until I die and until my very last breath. I still hope you visit me in my dreams. I still haven't seen you and that hurts me as well. I mean I think I've had dreams of you, but I barely remember them. I love you so much, Siwushe. I'll never forget you. You were my soul pet and I'm so happy you were by my side for 12 years. I love you forever. Love, Melis. <3