Today my shoes were where I left them, you weren't there to take one, how excited when I came home, you looked for somethng to lift, to get excited about, smiling I was there. I look at your photos, all my memories of you. You loved the water, how you messed up the car, and I didn't care. You loved your walks, even lately when you were struggling. I have to cancel your groomer next month for your haircut. How you hated that. The last time was too much for you. I knew the time was getting close. I looked behind me today as I was closing the door, you weren't standing where you were supposed to be. The house was so quiet, and I called your name, praying for a sign that you weren't far away.

I came home from nightshift, and I knew. You couldn't get up, but your tail wagged. I asked Roberta to come for you, she had promised she would when the time came. Not wanting to take you to the vet, not to put you through that, I wanted you to pass sitting with me. But you were brave and you walked in behind me because I asked you to. They took blood from you, it must have hurt you, but you saw my tears and you licked them away to comfort me. I couldn't be with you, the call wasn't what I expected, my worst nightmare. I couldn't hold you as you slipped away. I called our your name, not to go, not to leave, wanting you to hear me, to say for a litle while longer so I could tell you how much you are loved.

I can't wash your blankets, I can't throw out your food. Your treats are just sitting there. You aren't waiting at the fridge willing that late night treat. That was just between you and me, our wee secret. Your balls are in the garden, you left them up the field too, little reminders for me to come across in the days to come. Your chair is waiting, your pillow ready. I want you home. I want more time.

Sandra said you will come to see me soon, that I will get a sign, you are busy right now playing and pain free. Charlie and Honey are visiting too, they will look for you.

Jamie and Kerry have cried, as has your Dad, how special you were to us all, how we miss you. Slinky is quiet, he knows you aren't here. He wanted to come with you, to see you happy, to see you play as you used to, to be with Roberta, you both love her so. But I need to keep him a little bit longer, I promised her. He looks for you with such saddness, his wee heart is heavy.

I miss you most of all my beautiful Barclay, how I ache for you. I am totally broken hearted that you have gone. I want to kiss your doggie nose, your gorgeous head, to smell your fur, to hold you close, to hear your voice one more time. Please find a way, a sign that you are happy, you have no more pain, that you are missing me. I cry as I finish this letter, things I wanted to tell you when you were here. Do you know how much I love you? I do, with all of my broken heart.

I love that poem 'Rainbow's Bridge', where you will sniff the air and know I have arrived, please look for me. I just can't say goodbye. I love you for always. Mum x