Do animals have souls or at least a living spirit within?

Is it possible to truly love - to meld your own spirit with that of another, to form a bond so strong, that it permeates the very fabric of time and space?

And when that bond is broken, by death, can cause such loss, such utter gut wrenching despair - reaching inward through your heart, to the very depths of your soul?

Perhaps I am strange ... but I believe I would have to answer each of the above in the affirmative.
For I have been so blessed, although at times has seemed a curse, to have been given the gift of unconditional love.

And this love came to me in the form of a little abandoned ginger kitten who would later come to be known as "The Bean" and would fill my days with life and love - and somehow become the son that I always wanted but never had.

*************** ***************

Beany was one of three kittens, discovered near a dry creek bed in a discarded rubbish bag, by an ex-brother-in-law. One had died, the second very sick, the third - crying to draw attention. A veterinarian suggested feeding with an eye dropper - and if they made it through the first night, there was a strong chance.

In the morning, there was one. A tiny ball of ginger fluff, infested with flees - dehydrated and malnourished. Shane asked us if we could take him. My immediate reaction was no because I had wanted to replace one of our German Sheppard's and my wife refused.

I decided to think on it but finally agreed, albeit reluctantly, with the proviso that it was her cat and .... whatever!

Little did I know just how much my life was about to change.

In fact, "Twinkles" - soon to be modified to "Twinkle-Bean", would not only change my life but he would all but - become my life! :-)

I would never be the same man again. A remarkable journey had begun!

*************** ***************

In those days, I had taken an interest in gardening, planting trees, vegetables & herbs - and had been given an old garden plaque which read "When all else fails, there is always garden".

On a particularly trying (post divorce) day, I re-wrote those words as, "When all else fails, there is always The Bean".

By some strange miracle, Bean and I had formed an immensely powerful bond right from the beginning.

We would eventually become inseparable.

Our motto became - "You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"

I will write the rest of Beany's story as time goes on.
I have kept a journal since the day he left me.
Life seems somehow different now. Places, faces - even familiar haunts - all seem somehow changed by his leaving. There are a lot of "firsts" - like tomorrow ... my first birthday without him ... and what would have been his 18th, (two days ago)- his first birthday without me.

This is his present ... from me.

But this is not about me. It is about him or should I say ... for him. For Beany, because his gift to me was priceless! Thank you my bestest boy, my son ... for giving me the love that I needed and
allowing me to share the limitless love that I had to give.

I will love you forever, Daddy's bestest boy.

See you in there my baby xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, 22 November 2010 23:41

Hello my bestest boy.

Well, it was fifty weeks at six this evening, that you were picked up for the pet crematorium. You'd been lifeless for just over twenty-four hours but I didn't want to give you up. I know I did the right thing but when you died, a part of me went with you. Perhaps the best part. I've loved many pets and grieved for them ... but never lost a child.

I picked a star for you that night. I could barely see the twinkling through the moisture in my eyes. I named it my "Beanstar". It's rising as I write this -- the golden orb that is Betelgeuse, below our saucepan in our upside down Orion constellation.

You came into my life when I was desperate for a son and filled a void in my life.
We've been through thick and thin -- sometimes to hell and back, together.
Good days, bad days! But at the end, were you.
Some days all we had was each other. How wealthy was I and didn't even know it?

I've carried a lot of secrets in my time. Some, my own -- some, for others.
I've had successes and failures. You knew and saw them all. You taught me unconditional love and made me a better person.

Every morning, but only the days you were sick, that song would loop in my mind.
I didn't even know the words. I just knew instinctively ... it was a sign!
Well ... I kept my part of the bargain -- I did go on, even though I didn't want to.

I've cried enough in my life for five lifetimes, my son, and endured tortures I'd never share with a living soul, but you ... a little ginger cat ... would look up at his daddy with adoration (someone else's' description) in your eyes and make it all worthwhile.
I should be grateful and I am. What a gift. Seventeen years can go so fast when you're having fun.
Life is different now ... an empty imitation, a time filler.

I still make other people laugh and I still strive to be better. I still dream of owning an Aston and to finish writing my novel ... which I will dedicate to you, Mum and my Nan and grandpa.

Oh my Beany, your daddy stills loves and misses you so much. I don't think the pain will ever leave. I'm so lost most of the time but I shouldn't complain. Many people are far worse off than me.

I still blow you a kiss each night. Your picture box with your ashes is next to my bed with some
of your fur, your collar and your Bedtime Bear -- and one of your carnations.

I don't sleep in our bed anymore. My life is not where I'd like it to be at the moment but I struggle each day to make it better. At times, my heart is in it, some days not but I work at it nevertheless.

I have kept a journal for you all this time but have kept you safe in my heart.
No wonder I kept hearing that song. It was trying to tell me you were leaving. I wish I'd gone with you. I thought I'd be over it now but it was my life, as I knew it, which was over.

Tomorrow is another day my baby. Another chance to strive, another day I'll carry you in my heart, another day to reach for a star.

I'd reach for yours!

Mynight Beany, see you in there. Sleep tight.

You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Forever!!!!

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Tuesday, 7 December 2010 12:31 AM

Marrow Daddy's bestest boy!

One whole year my baby - twelve months since you left me ... forever.

I kept myself busy on Sunday (the anniversary of the day you went to sleep in my arms forever) but meant to write Sunday night.

I kept myself busy today also, Monday, (the anniversary of the day you were collected) but had planned to work in your garden.

It was so very hot and much to do ... but I will get in there. I've been trying not to break down. For two days, the Kookaburras have been back -- I've heard their squawking a few times.

Last Friday we went to the funeral of Chaz's ex-mother --in-law and they played your song. As soon as I heard the pipes and Celine Dion sing "Every night ..." things began to fall apart. I thought my cheeks would burst and it felt as though my veins were bulging as I held my breath and held in what I longed to escape.

I miss you so much!

My life changed when you left me and as yet I haven't formed a new one ... though I've tried. God in heaven, I've tried!

In the time since you left:
I have kept a journal, almost every week.
I leave a reminder message on my phone for every Sunday afternoon.
I look for your stars each night, whether they are visible or not.
(I say good night to the luminous "Bean stars" in my room, also.)
I kiss your box good morning and blow you a kiss each night.
I wear your spare tag on my gold chain each day.
I drink coffee from my "Beany Cup" (That's what I nicknamed my little cat cup.)

I think of you each day ... many times and think of our life and the completeness I felt. I think of the times you didn't come home or went missing and how I felt so wretched in the pit of my stomach.
I remember all too well, not being able to eat or concentrate on anything until you returned safely or I had found you.

And I remember well, that feeling ... oh that glorious, almost Christmas'y feeling that we were together safe and sound. But now sometimes, it almost seems like a dream. Our special language, our routines and how I always said that you'd do something new each day that would amaze me.

Do you hear me when I speak to you in my mind? Can you see the words I write to you? Do you feel the tortured loss in my heart?

Do you know my Beanybean -- that I still love you as much as life and if I could have any gift, any one wish ... it would be to go back in time and re-live our life together, even with all the bad bits we endured.

I can't put into words, the loss that I feel. Perhaps I should just be grateful for what we had. After all, everything must come to an end, sometime. Change is a universal constant.

It's a funny thing Beany. All year I imagined the Earth travelling round the solar system, finally to return to the same spot last year.

But you were not here waiting for me.

And then I realised that while the Earth circles the Sun, our entire solar system moves through space ... so the time and place I left you -- is far behind us now.
There is no going back!

Then it dawned on me -- you were not there because you were travelling with me all the time. I carried you in my heart.

And that's where you will stay forever ... safe in my heart.

But I can't hold you or snuggle you or talk with you as we did.
I just carry this love and the pain with me wherever I go, whatever I am doing.
What shall I do with your Christmas stocking this year?

How did I end up having such feelings for a cat? Is it as others have said, that you became a substitute or symbol for the son I never had?

I cry alone my boy ... people would think I'm crazy if they knew I was still so utterly devastated ... living without you.

Well my son, I made it through the first year but the pain at times was almost unbearable and life in general just doesn't seem the same anymore.

Sleep tight my bestest boy and know how much I love and miss you ... and know also that it will always be -- You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxox

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, 1 January 2011 2:03 AM

Happy New Year my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxox

Time to start 2011 now. You seem further away from me now ... perhaps thats why it hurts so much when I think of you. The silver chord to eternity is being pulled ever tighter ... but I promise, it will never snap.

I had an amazing surprise phone call from Jack, (Littleman's dad).
It made my evening, in fact it probably put a positive closing cap on 2010 for me.
I then got a big snog on the face from a random girl at the beach whilst watching fireworks.
What more can a man ask for?

Well I do know one thing but I guess that has to remain in my heart ... forever.
The tears are now rolling down my face.

My son, as I face a brand new year complete with all its joys and challenges, know this ... I have been incomplete, searching since you left but I will carry you with me on the journey. In perhaps a different way than when you were here, you will still share my triumphs, my stumbles, my hopes and aspirations.

For you showed me a new world, one of unconditional love ... and having grown -- can never return to my former self. Thank you.

I speak to you my bestest boy, across time and space and tell you I love you more than anything in the Universe.

Our Motto remains: "You and me against the world, my Beanybean". xoxoxoxoxoxox

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday, 3 April 2011 22:56

So it's been 69 weeks, if I'm not mistaken ... and still I feel empty without you.

I never quite felt alone when you were here ... and I always felt loved and could let my heart give out so much of what was inside. Now, even after all this time life is still incomplete somehow ... like lemon blossom with no scent - like lemonade without sugar ... life continues on but has lost its sweetness.

I've met some beautiful people at Rainbow Bridge and made a couple of good friends. Some of them are in so much pain. They lost their babies too. I wish I could take away their pain but I'd have to take away their love also. I could never do that. As I've always said -- The intensity of your suffering is an indication of the capacity of your love. They go hand in hand.

I keep our journal, almost every week - sometimes more... and still blow you kisses each night.
I don't have the power to let it go, nor do I want to.

I miss you so much my Beanybean. I used to think that if God gave you to me for a reason, it must have been to see how much pain I could bear when he took you away ... but I now know it was to see how much love was in me. You left too soon my son -- your Daddy still has so much love to give and there's no one left to accept it. I will love you forever my bestest boy xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Sleep tight Daddy's boy. See you in there xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Friday, 22 April 2011 13:04

Happy Easter my baby - my second one without you.

Next Sunday will be seventy-two weeks since you went bye-byes.
I still love and miss you so very much.

Will you ever know just how much you meant to me?
I hope that wherever you are and in whatever form you now take ... you can feel the true essence of my heart and soul.

It's a beautiful day here in mount Compass. Everything seems so green and fresh after an overnight shower ... and now all is glistening in the warm sun.

Have fun frolicking with your friends as you hunt for Easter eggs.

I will love you for all eternity my bestest boy.

Happy Easter my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

P.S Your Daddy will help you eat the chocolate bunny :-)

*************** ***************

Sunday, 29 May 2011 11:29 PM

Hey my beautiful Beany. It's been 77 weeks ... but who's counting?

I never thought I'd make it through the first day. I am still amazed that I did.
I remember wanting to die. Part of me did. If someone had told me I could have loved an animal so much, I would have scoffed at the suggestion.

But there you were ... and so was I.

How fortunate could a man have been to have known such a love as this.
Like the bond of a father and son. I will carry you always in my heart, mind and soul.
I thought I'd come to grips with things but tonight I feel so lonely.

No matter what life brings, it will always remain -- "You and me against the world, my Beanybean" xoxoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Monday, 3 October 2011 12:09 AM

Good Morning my baby.
Mappy Birchday my Beanybean!!!!! (I know ... your Daddy still does that baby talk like we used to ... I know I'm a silly old fart, hey?)

I wanted to get this in before midnight Sunday night but forgot that daylight saving has started and my video clock hasn't been changed yet.
You would have been nineteen today. I miss you so much my boy.

I can feel the tears welling up and my eyes are burning.
My life hasn't been the same without you. No matter what I do or try, there's always something missing. I wish I could put my finger on it.

I always said a bit of me died with my Nan, then more with my Mum ... but you took the better part of me with you. It was you, my son who brought out the best in me ... that gave me hope and comfort. I was so grateful to have you and yet the seventeen years flew by so fast.

I often wish we'd gone together. Some days I think my life is great, I'm focussed on my goals and making my fortune. You know your Daddy's greatest fear is dying with his music still in him.
But I'd give up all my dreams of fame and fortune just to have you back!

Perhaps if I could find the love that I felt with you, I could move on (with you in my heart) and carve a brave new future. I can't believe it's been 95 weeks now.

Happy 19th my bestest boy.
You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

P.S I wrote you a card. I will place it next to your box in the morning, quietly, so everyone doesn't think I'm a nut case. Sweet dreams my baby xoxox

*************** ***************

Monday, 7 November 2011

Well, my Beanybean ... yesterday we hit the hundred week mark. I knew as soon as I wrote, I would feel teary -- and I am.

It just goes to show, no matter how busy you are; the things that matter on a deeper level still lie dormant, awaiting your return.

Having Optimus living with us is a comfort to me but every day my heart still searches for ease from the aching spot that only you can fill.

I spoke to Tori's mommy, Roberta, today. What a cool chick. I bet you probably think Tori's really cool too. I miss you my bestest boy. I think I could have gone on forever with you -- now, I feel as though I'm going on forever without you.

Every single day I still say good morning and goodnight to you (and blow you a kiss) and every day my thoughts are with you and about you.
I don't know what you did to me, my baby, but you changed me forever.
I love you my Beanybean. Sweet dreams. Daddy will see you in there xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Tuesday, 6 December 2011 10:58 PM

Hello my bestest boy.

I can hardly believe we've reached the two year mark when I didn't even think I'd find the strength to make it through the first day. I've seen the photographs taken that day. I've never looked so bad in all my life.

My world had been taken from underneath me and there was nothing I could do.
I hardly slept a wink that Saturday night and I knew by 3AM it was the last night we'd spend together. I couldn't bear to lose you... 'my little rock' but I couldn't stand to watch you suffer. You were straining to breathe and by morning, I began arrangements. I got three wishes that day, though.

One was that you would never die alone.
Two: That you would go to sleep in my arms -- in our special snuggle position.
And three: That you would suffer no more and end your life with dignity.

I fulfilled every one of them, and the tears streaming down my face, testify to the fact that it nearly killed me.

I lost my will to live and ate only for sustenance at the bequest of others.
As Einstein said, time is relative - Two days can seem like a lifetime; two years can pass so fast.

One thing is for certain Bean ... you will always remain Daddy's bestest boy. I have never stopped grieving for you and secretly hoped you'd somehow find a way to return to me.

Wherever you are my boy, play and have fun. Always know that your Daddy is never far away and that he is always thinking of you. Each and every day, I kiss you goodnight and good morning. My heart is still full of you and I will love you forever.

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean" xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Sunday, 25 December 2011 2:55 AM

Good morning my Beanybean ... Merry Christmas!!!!

This is my third Christmas without you by my side and my love for you has not diminished in any way. I have not had a chance to find something suitable to buy as a present, as yet, so for the moment ... I will give you my heart.

It was always yours anyway.

Last year I bought you a Mr. Bean DVD set which hardly seems fitting but I could hardly buy you your favourite treats or the toys I would usually buy - some addressed from me, others in your stocking from "Santa Paws" or "Father Catmas".

Did I buy it because of your name? No, the DVD's were symbolic of our times together watching shows and our Christmas ritual of watching Mr. Bean's Christmas each year.
And as a sort of light hearted joke I would say goodnight to you by using the line, "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean".

You know, I always wished for a biological child of my own but it was never to be.

You used to greet me in the morning, snuggle with me at night.
You would always be excited when I arrived home.
I could tell you loved me and the feeling was mutual.
You would keep me company when I was lonely.
You would do one funny or new thing each day and were always full of surprises.
I still have videos of you doing tricks that no one has seen. I also taught you many things and you taught me how to love unconditionally.

I think you were meant to be my son all along ... to give me the love that was missing in my life and to teach me to love something -- someone as much as I loved myself. You gave me more than I can ever give back.

I could not sleep when you were sick, could not eat those times you went missing ... I even cancelled one of my birthdays until your safe return.

And when you did ... I used to say, "It felt like Christmas!"

It's Christmas Day today, my bestest boy but it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore.

The first Christmas after you left, I left a note in our Christmas Wish ball ball on the tree. I just opened it but I cannot read it all. What I wrote is just too painful to include here, just yet.

I hope Father Catmas still comes to you at Rainbow Bridge.
I know you have always been a good boy -- Daddy's bestest boy.

Thank you for the wallet you got me, yes I still buy me a present from you -- it always was our thing between us.

It's getting harder to write now and see my screen so I will finish off for now. The rest I am sure you can feel from the heaving in my chest and heart.

You changed my world when you came into it Bean and I was never the same after.

I will watch our traditional episode tonight but until then, know always that I've never once stopped loving or missing you.

Thank you my baby for everything.

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" xoxoxoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Sunday, 1 January 2012 1.10 PM

Happy New Year Daddy's bestest boy!!!

Hey my Beanybean, my worst New Year's Eve was my first after you left me but last night came close.

I felt almost dead inside, full of unresolved issues and resentments.
I wanted to be someplace else ... a place where I could be me. But that's my own fault.

It's so hot here today my boy - Too hot for you to be running about outside.
You could easily fry an egg on the bonnet of the car and the wind makes it feel like a fan forced oven.

I miss you so much, saying Happy New Year to your picture box is just not the same. Big changes are coming for me this year but you will always be with me and in my heart, wherever I go or whatever I do.

It's always hard today ... (sorry) starting another bold new year when I feel as though I'm leaving you further behind. I love you so much, my son, and guess I always will.
I won't listen to your "theme" music today ... I have something I need to do in a couple of hours and I need to focus.

Have the bestest year ever my boy, play and have fun - nothing can hurt you anymore.
Say hi to your best mate Littleman and all your other friends and to that cute little Tori I know you've been hanging about with!

"Happy New Year, my Beanybean!!" Love always and forever, your Daddy xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Saturday, 17 March 2012 11:42 PM

Hey Daddy's Bestest Boy,

Happy St. Patrick's Day my baby.

I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. There has been so much going on, stresses and issues and every time I think of you, I feel so sad and lonely and try to avoid the pain.
That was wrong of me ... I never meant to shut you out - never ever ever.
You were and are ... the son I never had. My world changed forever when you left and I thought I'd died with you.
Know that you are always in my heart and soul, no matter what - you are a part of me!
I will love you forever. You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Marrow Daddy's bestest boy.

It's nearly Easter time again ... my third without you.

I can't believe it. I didn't know how I'd make it through the first day, yet here we are!
But as I sit here typing, I realise that my love for you stayed on, that unused love for you is dormant, deep within me, welling into tears for you.

I miss you my son. You gave me a priceless gift that I will never surrender.

You gave me you!

Every night I see you ... that is how I know you go on! I love you, my Beanybean xoxoxoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Happy Easter daddy's bestest boy. I miss you so much. Enjoy frolicking in the warm autumn sun and snuggling with your girlfriend, Tori, through the cold crisp nights. You are still a part of me and always will be. I love you my special boy xoxox

*************** ***************

Wednesday 25th April 2012

Hi my bestest boy,

It's ANZAC Day again. Your Daddy went to the dawn service at Port Noarlunga. It was nice, perhaps a little chilly but the least I could do. I've missed you so much over the last few days even though I've had you with me whilst staying at Grandpa's house.
I guess it brought back unexpected memories ... good times for "us".
We fly our "Aussie" flag today, my little mate. I love you my Beanybean xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Wednesday, 3 October 2012 9:42 PM

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY Daddy's bestest boy!!!!!!
Hey my baby ... it's been almost three years since you left this physical plane. At times, it seems so long ago -- like a whiff of a dream emanating from within the mists of time ... but at other times, it seems as though it was yesterday that you were wrenched from my side ... from my life ... but never ever from my heart and soul. You impacted my life in ways unimaginable and I was but the better for it. You were (are) a gift from the Universe for me, if for no other reason than to teach me to love unconditionally.

When you left I began to forget how to love, how to be me, how to be free and how to grow.
I have not written much to you of late. I am sorry. I have been busy and stressed about many things and lost my way for so long. I have also been avoiding the pain by focussing on getting my life in order.
As I head in an all new direction, I promise to make amends and what is important -- I have never forgotten you for one minute. I am sure you know. Your golden Bean star (in Orion) is now in the Heavens again, rising about 1AM each morning and I still see your patchy face in the moon.

I hope you like your cat card and your two presents, my boy -- your renewal at Rainbow Bridge and your plaque.
Every night I still see you, hear you and feel you -- that is how I know you go on.
Happy birthday my baby! You and me against the world my Beanybean!
Have a lovely day my bestest boy and enjoy all your treats.
All my love Daddy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*************** ***************

Wednesday, 31 October 2012 22:10 "Halloween"

Happy Halloween my bestest boy!!! I hope you are having fun and enjoying your spooky treats. I miss you my boy. Don't think a single day goes by without me kissing you goodnight or thinking about you. Some days are better than others my son. Frolic and play ... Daddy's boy, in your timeless world, where nothing can hurt you anymore. Your Daddy loves you Beanybean xoxoxoxox
P.S I carved my very first ever Halloween Pumpkin this arvo. I think I did a pretty good job for a beginner!

*************** ***************

Thursday, 6 December 2012
3 Years!!!!! xoxoxox

Hello my bestest boy. I never thought I'd make it through the day ... I had to take it minute by minute, hour by hour ... and here we are -- three years later.
My life changed when you left my side. Or perhaps, I changed. I guess I've never really dealt with death, somehow avoided the full implications -- dancing around it ... cheating it. This is evident with my Nan & Grandpa, my Mum and now you.
You had become an integral part of my life, a part of me, my identity and who I am.

Here we are, three years later and I still feel that empty place that only you can fill.
I have never stop loving and missing you and our song still makes the tears well up inside, even though I try to control it. I was so very blessed to have you in my life.
I will go on with you in my heart and soul until the day you can snuggle on your Daddy's lap once again.

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!" All my love, your Daddy xoxox

*************** ***************

Monday, 24 December 2012 10:12 PM
Christmas Eve

Hey Daddy's Bestest Boy, it's Christmas Eve!
I love you my boy and miss you so much. Even after all this time you remain a part of me. Your legacy continues ... I have no choice in the matter ... my love and appreciation for you was so deeply ingrained as to be inseparable. I don't care what others may say or think ... you were my little boy and still are.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

It is now 1.10 AM Christmas morning. Your token present from me and Father Catmas is in your stocking as I used to do. Your symbolic present to me also awaits the morning. I'm about to fill out your card with watery eyes. Perhaps I am crazy. Who knows? I guess everyone is a little, in some ways.

A little over three years have passed ... you just missed Christmas 2009. That makes this the fourth Christmas, I think. The first was devastating!!!
I remember praying that you'd make it through your birthday, then mine ... then ... I guess the extensions had to end sometime. Never enough time, my baby -- never enough!

Merry Christmas my son and know that your Daddy loves and thinks of you still ... every single day!!!

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!" xoxoxox

I love you Bean! xoxox

*************** ***************

Thursday, 27 December 2012 2:05 AM

Good morning daddy's boy. I hope you had a super Christmas, having treats and playing games.
I bet you and cute little Tori got up to some cheeky mischief in the snow. Did you go visit Roberta and Frankie-doo? And catch up with Littleman and the kitties? And thank you for visiting me my Beanybean and also for my present. I hope you liked yours. I had it made especially for you. I watched "Merry Christmas Mr. Bean" last night like we always did. It still makes me laugh but would probably seem funnier if you were here. Time for bed now, son. Sweet dreams my boy. I love you Bean xoxoxox

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Monday, 31 December 2012 23:39

Dear Beany, another new year is upon us. In a few short minutes it will be 2013.
Not a day has passed without me thinking of you, missing you or loving you.
Happy New Year my bestest boy ... Your Daddy loves you!!! xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Tuesday, 1 January 2013 9:29 PM

Hey my Beanybean ... Happy New Year!!!!
Well my boy, 2013 is here. Another year apart from you - another year to accomplish whatever it is in life I am supposed to achieve. Here's hoping, hey?
I hope you played with Littleman and your cute little girl friend Tori. I know life goes on but it doesn't diminish my love for you, nor stop me missing you and feeling as though there is an empty place at the table ... and in my heart.
Enjoy your day, my boy knowing that I take you with me into our new year!
- "You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"
All my love forever,
Your Daddy xoxoxox

*************** ***************

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Happy Australia Day!!! Bean!!!

Hey my boy, what a busy day ... helping to move Mike and Cindy when I'm not completely well and I fell asleep in a hot Radox bath listening to an audiobook.
I woke up extremely cold but relaxed. I miss you my boy, every day and I know you are still here -- just on a different frequency ... almost within reach but slightly out of focus. I know you are there ... I feel you in my heart! The same heart that loves you unconditionally and forever! xoxoxoxox

*************** ***************

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Hey Daddy's bestest boy, I just wanted to pop by and wish you a Happy Easter!!!
I hope you know how much I still love and miss you!
Every day, my boy ... every single day!!!
Have fun in the autumn (fall) sun, enjoy the crisp mornings and evenings ... roll and rollick and don't forget to collect all those yummy treats with Tor. I love you my baby! You and me against the world, my Beanybean!! xoxox

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Thursday, 25 April 2013

Hello my son, happy ANZAC Day!
I went to the dawn service this morning with Grandpa, Bec, Connah and Ron.
It was cold and although we had a few drops of rain, the dark clouds passed right over us. I thought about you and the many times I came home to you after, and your Daddy had a freezing cold nose, which made you jump when we touched snozzles.
The passing of another year also reminds me of the sacrifice those brave men and women made and how easily time just slips through our fingers, literally wasting what time we have ... and not accomplishing the things we want most.
Lest we forget! We shall remember them!
Your Daddy loves and misses you so!!! xoxox

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Thursday, 2 May 2013 12:25 PM
Hey Daddy's bestest boy.
Today is not a happy one ... Natalia's Tabatha will be coming to Rainbow Bridge just after 5PM, this afternoon.
Please take care of her and introduce her to Tori, Littleman and the other kitties ... and tell her I love her and miss her keeping me company whilst staying at Michael's place. I love you Beanybean xoxox

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Thursday, 3 October2013 21:10 Bean's 21st Birthday!
Hey Daddy's bestest boy,
I can't believe it's been nearly four years since you left. I love you so.
You were the child I always wanted, so I guess that's why you were sent to me.
You taught and gave me so much!!
I will never forget you, my son.
"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"
Happy 21st Birthday! Beany,
All my love, Daddy xoxoxoxox

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Thursday, 31 October2013 12:21 PM HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

Hey Daddy's bestest boy, Happy Halloween!
Have fun frolicking tonight and get up to lots of cheeky mischief!
Enjoy your "Trick or Treating" in the moonlight, be safe and don't be a "fraidy cat" ... it's all in fun, my baby!
I love you with all my heart, my Beanybean and still miss you so much!
Your Daddy xoxoxox
P.S I'll listen out for your purrs on the wind!

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Friday, 6 December 2013 (4th Anniversary)

Hello Daddy's bestest boy,
I can't believe it has been four years, today, that I held you for the last time!
I looked into your eyes as you struggled with your breathing (after a sleepless night) and said my final goodbye to you.
I told you how much I love you and knew you felt it ... you face was wet with my tears! I held you so close I almost got the "green dream" mixture myself ... and right at that point -- I wouldn't have cared!!
I loved you more than life itself ... you had become my life ... and you were leaving me behind, my son!
Life has a way of going on but I have never stopped loving or missing you ... ever!!
Please never forget me my Beanybean because your Daddy will never forget you ... nor our old motto - "You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"
I love you so, forever,
Your Daddy xoxox

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Tuesday, 24 December 2013

It's Christmas Eve my bestest boy (my fifth without you by my side) and this afternoon I felt the tears welling up from deep within.
Will I ever get over losing you? I know, I hear your little voice (the one I gave you in my head) saying "I'm always with you Dad ... can't you see, feel and hear me?"
I know you are, my son, because I get fur balls stuck in my throat and it makes my chest tight and eyes water. I couldn't find a suitable token present for you this year, so I unboxed the original catnip seeds from your garden (the ones I frantically bagged after you passed away) and sowed some of them in a tray. I will make you a little memorial garden.
My dream is to visit the U.S as soon as I can (it's something I must do) and when I do, I'll take you with me. So a card will be in your stocking, a garden will be my present and you will be in my heart ... forever!!!
A big day tomorrow, off to Uncle David's house and of all the days to be coming down with a nasty cold. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get into the Christmas spirit.
Sleep tight tonight my little boy and have a bestest Merry Christmas tomorrow. I'm sure Father Catmas will visit Rainbow Bridge and leave you lots of wonderful pressies.
I love you my Beanybean xoxoxoxox

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Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Hey Daddy's boy!!
Well, it's the first day of yet another year. It's 2014 and so hard to imagine you've been gone since the sixth of December 2009. I miss you as though it was yesterday, except the severity of the pain, has thankfully eased.
I still have those certain times when I am overwhelmed by the loss of a different time -- and life. It was an entirely different world ... maybe it was me who left and you are still there, like in another dimension.

Time is a strange thing, my boy. I guess I'm sounding a little philosophical ... or crazy! I guess that's the New Year thingy happening to me.
Anyway, my bestest boy, enjoy your year in Rainbow Bridge, remember I love you always and that I carry you everywhere in my heart.
It wouldn't be the same if I didn't start the year with saying our motto --
"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"
All my love forever, your Daddy xoxoxox

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Sunday, 26 January 2014

Hello my bestest boy ... Happy Australia Day!!!
I still miss you so damn much my Beanybean, especially as I've been looking through old photos this week. In reminiscing over the good times and how fast they came and went, I discovered the pain of separation is still very real ... and still there, just below the surface.
I think I will love and miss you forever.
Your Daddy xoxoxox

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Monday, 21st April 2014

Happy Easter Daddy's Beanybean!!
I hope you know that I still miss you, each and every ...
That I still say good morning and good night, each and every day ...
That I still love you with all my heart, each and every day ...
And that you are still my bestest boy, each and every day!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
PS. Enjoy your Easter treats, my boy!

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October 3rd 2014

Happy Birthday Daddy's bestest boy.

I nearly wasn't able to post this message for you because my computer has just died and I've put it in to hopefully be fixed.

Despite the passage of time since you physically left me in 2009 (you had just turned 17), there hasn't been a day, (no matter how good or bad) when I haven't thought of you, missed you or stopped loving you.

Bean, you changed my life (and something in me) forever!

You will always be my bestest boy, no matter what.

Have fun at Rainbow Bridge and know that your daddy is thinking about you and wishing you an awesome happy birthday.

You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxoxoxox

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October 31st 2014

Happy Halloween my bestest boo! Have fun frollicking about under the moon tonight as you're trick or treating!
Have lots of goodies and twy not to be too scarwy, ok?
Your Daddy loves and misses you always xoxox

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December 6th 2014

Hey Daddy's bestest boy!

Well, it is five years today since you went to sleep!
But not five years since I told you how much I love you. I'll always say that, even if I'm just saying it to the wind, trusting that
my thoughts, feelings and words will be carried to you.
One day I will say it to you again, in person and I will hold you in my arms and brush my face against yours, like we used to do.

Sometimes I feel the need to have another cat, never to replace you (because that is not possible) but to give affection to, to give a home to - but I'm not brave enough to go through that again. I feel damned if I do, or if I don't. I just wish you were here!!

When I dream about you, it is so real (and I always seem to be searching for you as though you have been lost or missing) and then I
wake, feeling empty. But the dreams are so vivid!

Bean, you were and always will be, the son I always wanted.

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"

I will love you forever, my little boy.
Love, your Daddy xoxoxox

24-12-2014

Merry Catmas, Daddy's bestest boy!

This year, I didn't have the money to buy you (or me from you) our "token symbolic" gifts that I would normally do each year but what I still feel in my heart, goes way beyond everything I could ever buy - no matter how much money I had.

I fell in love with you as the tiny furball kitten who sat on my shoulder watching TV with me and all through your long seventeen years as you kept me company, stood by me through thick and thin and became the best "son" and best friend, anyone could have!

Even after more than five years, I still feel your presence and miss so terribly the best part of me. I don't think I'll ever get over you because something of me went with you ... and the part of you that you left me, is so beautiful, it makes my heart hurt.

Have an awesome Christmas in Rainbow Bridge, my Beanybean and know that your Daddy will think of you on Christmas morning!

Love forever, Your Daddy xoxox

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01-01-2015

Happy New Year my bestest boy!!
The first day of a new year and even with the passing of time, I have not forgotten you.
You are always with me and I carry you in my heart, through time and space.
I love you as much as the day you left me .. and that was with all that I have.
"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"
Always,
Love, your Daddy xoxox

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Sunday April 5th 2015

Happy Easter Daddy's Bestest Boy,
Hey my little boy, I've really missed you lately. I'm not sure what's going on with me but it's really been hitting home.
Some of our memories have been flashing back and with such clarity, beautiful and painful at the same time. I can
easily imagine you hopping about in the morning light in search of your Easter treats. Enjoy your catnip eggs and
don't forget to share some of my buttered hot cross buns, just like you always used to. I miss you my Beanybean.

All my love, Daddy xoxoxox

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Saturday October 3rd 2015

Happy Birthday Daddy's bestest boy!!!

This is the sixth birthday of yours that I have celebrated without you. Time has flown so fast and yet at times, painstakingly slow.
I miss you, your personality and all that we shared together, each and every day. Sometimes I have avoided immersing myself in my love for you because the pain has never gone away. I love you my son, with all my heart! Never forget my Beanybean. Have a great fun birthday in Rainbow Bridge and know that I am blowing you birthday kisses on the wind and snuggling you in my heart! I truly love you Bean xoxO

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October 31st 2015

Happy Halloween Beanybean!!!

I hope you have a spooktacular night! Frolic in the dark and don't be a scaredy cat.
Have fun trick or treating but you better not gobble too many goodies.
Gotta outrun those witch's black cats!! I love you my boy and still think of you every day xoxO Your Daddy

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Sunday 6th December 2015

Hello Daddy's bestest boy.
I know you can see and hear me across time and space. I know you can feel my love as well. Because I can feel yours my Beanybean, tugging at my heart and stomach, feeling wonderful but painful at the same time.
I can remember the early hours of that Sunday. I remember the suffering you were enduring and I know you would have gone on and on just to please me and be with me, but even I could not bear it any longer. My love for was so strong that I gave up being selfish and telling myself you'd get better like before. I knew I had to make that decision. I knew it was the right one but I would have sooner taken my own life that day, in place of yours. I loved you that much!
I bury it sometimes - the pain, the loss - but it's always there ... in a place just for you! I still love you as much today as ever. Now I live in a different world but carry you everywhere I go.
You and me against the world, my Beanybean! All my love forever, your Daddy xoxox

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December 25th 2015

Merry Catmas My Beanybean!

It's Christmas Day here, and the cool change has finally come in after a stinking hot day.
I looked at your special box, containing your ashes, collar, fur and shedded claws. I know it's you in there. I always do. But I can't hold you, pat you or have you purr on my lap. All that is locked away in my memories and in my dreams.
Today is supposed to be about giving and gratefulness ... and so I say 'thank you' to you, my bestest boy, for what you gave me ... is beyond measurement!
A love so pure and unconditional, it will live on for all eternity! The greatest gift of all.
I love you with all my heart and soul!
Your Daddy xoxO

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27-01-2016

Happy New Year my bestest boy!!
I am sorry this message is late.
Life hasn't been easy for me of late but I'm a wash n wear product, I'll bounce back into shape.
Happy Australia Day (for yesterday) too, my boy.
Even when I don't write, I still think of you every day and every night.

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean!"

Love forever, your Daddy xoxox

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Monday March 28th 2016

Happy Easter Daddy's Bestest Boy,

Another Easter since you left .. another Easter without you snuggling on my lap. Even with the passing of years, I may not cry as much and look at life as futile (as I once did) but still, deep in my heart and on my lap, a special place is waiting for you .. always waiting ... a spot that only you can fill. I hope that in Rainbow Bridge, you are enjoying your Easter goodies and frollicking in the sun. You deserve it my boy. You deserve to live happy ever after, forever.

Love Daddy xoxO

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Monday October 3rd. 2016

Happy Birthday daddy's bestest boy!!
Last night, when I thought of you, it stunned me to think how long you've been gone. I never thought I'd make it through the day, let alone, a whole week without you by my side. Here we are and the deeper I delve into my memories, the more I realise that the pain of losing you, is still there. But today was and is, YOUR day. The day we used to celebrate as your birthday. Wherever you are, my son, just know that your daddy loves you with all his heart .. and forever! "You and me against the world, my Beanybean! xoxo"

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Tuesday October 3rd. 2017

Happy Birthday my bestest boy!!

It has been so long since I've been able to visit you here at Rainbow Bridge, it feels like an eternity.
But nothing compared to the time since you've been gone from my side. My best mate and friend, through thick and thin, always there for each other.
Life changed for me, the day that you left and never really felt the same. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's Maybeline ... :-) I miss you, everyday, without exception. Sometimes I try not to think of you (too hard) and reminisc about our life together.
This just makes me sad and feel empty. What we had was exceptional and amazing! Even now, the tears well up as I listen to the theme from Titanic.
I will miss you and love you forever! Your Daddy xoxoxoxo

"You and me against the world, my Beanybean! xoxO"

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February 27th. 2018

Hi Daddy's boy,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to write to you for so long. It's been very complicated but I have thought of you every day and night. I renewed Rainbow Bridge for your birthday, as usual and remembered you at Christmas and New Year. It was a sad lonely time and I have been sick off and on for a few months. But I'm starting to feel better now and will write again soon. I love and miss you constantly, my Beanybean.

All my love Daddy,
xoxO

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October 3rd 2018

Happy Birthday Daddy's boy. The years have flown by so fast, as with this year.
I'm sorry I haven't written so much lately but my circumstances have finally improved.
I will now be able to contact you, Tori, Roberta, Littleman and Jack.
I miss you and everyone so much. It's been a lonely stressful time of late.
But enough of that.
Today is your birthday and should be a time for celebration. You are in my thoughts, each and every day.
You have to be for you are in my heart.
That part of you that you gave me when you said goodbye and the part of me that you took with you.
It will always be yours to keep. Frolic and have fun Daddy's bestest boy. I still love and miss you with all my heart.
You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxO

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December 25th 2018

Merry Christmas, My Beanybean!

Although I haven't been able to get online to leave messages, I think of you always
and miss you constantly.

I still wish you sweetdreams, every night as I did when you were physically with me
and since you left.

I don't think my love for you will ever die. I have just managed to suppress the tears and go about my business
or I would crumple in a heap, reliving your departure over and over.
Once, was all I could bear.

Know that not a single day passes without me missing you, what we had and how I selfishly wanted it to go on forever.

Tell Roberta I said thank you for looking after your page till I'm firing on all thrusters again. I miss her so.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas Day in Rainbow Bridge and Father Catmas brought you something special.

I know you would have gobbled up so much turkey.

All my love forever, my bestest boy.

Daddy xoxoxo

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October 3rd 2019

Happy Birthday my bestest boy!
I'm sorry it's a day late. I can't believe you've been gone almost ten years.
When I think back, I never thought I'd make it through the first day.
Never had I felt such gut-wrenching loss.
But there it was... and in order to ease your suffering and let you leave this plane with dignity... I had to make a decision.
I know it was the right one, for you, but it was the hardest choice I had ever had to make.
Anyway, it's your birthday and although I cannot bestow presents and treats upon you, I can tell you that your Daddy still loves and miss you, and always will.

You and me against the world, my Beanybean xoxO

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Friday 6th December 2019

Hello Daddy's bestest boy.

My Bean,

Wow, ten years ago. It seems like a few months. I was so devastated that day I never thought I'd make it through. It was a seventeen year old bond with a tiny abandoned kitten. But you became my world. We had a language of our own and could almost read each other's minds. Some nights at bedtime you would carry in your bedtime bear and drop it at your feet. I still love and miss you to this day. But now I have other furbabies to look after, two of which are rescues. Becoming attached and all that encompasses is a wonderful gift, but the loss is devastating when they go. RIP my Beanybean. My heart still aches for you and the space you occupied is still empty. It belongs to only you. See you on the Rainbow bridge one day xoxo

You and me against the world, my Beanybean! All my love forever, your Daddy xoxoxo

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December 25th 2019

Merry Christmas, my Beanybean.

I am writing this today because it is my only chance before Christmas Day.
Today will be your 10th Christmas Day at the bridge. Oh, how I was such a misery guts on your first.
Nothing seemed to be the same anymore, without you by my side. It still isn't... but everything in this universe is in a state of

constant change. Sometimes I hate it but as a wise monk once wrote, "Go with the flow of the water."
I have never stopped loving you and never will. I hope Father Catmas brings you some fun toys and yummy treats.
Kiss Tori and play with Littleman and the rest of the gang.
You are always in my heart, my bestest boy.
Love Daddy xoxo

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