We took her home with us and she was so young I had to hand feed her and wipe her belly with a warm washcloth to help her pee, and toward the end of my baby's life I was doing it for her again. I would have hand-fed her for another fifty years every day if I had to.

She was the most special little cat I ever knew. I have a picture of her barely two months old with our big Malamute dog that loved her very much and always protected her, who we lost ten years ago.

She would pray at the door when she wanted to be let out, sit on her hind legs in front of the door and rapidly put her front paws together again and again so it looked like she was praying. She would sleep with me all the time. She would go on walks with us with our Malamute dog - she would orbit us like a little moon. She'd be on one side of the street in someone's yard and then two houses down we'd see her on the other side of the street in someone's tree. And she'd run up to us to be carried when she got tired.

When I left my parents' house to move in with my husband in a small apartment he had a cat he couldn't take anywhere else, so we couldn't take her. I told her and myself one day I'd be back for her, when we got a house and more room, but meanwhile she'd be happier with my parents.

We are still living in that apartment, we cannot afford a house yet, and today May 25 2021 my baby died and even though I saw her several times a week it was not the same as when I lived with her and she would spend so much time in my room with me. My parents will get her ashes in the mail in a week and then I will finally be able to take her back home with me for always.

One day I will be buried with her or have my ashes scattered with her. I love her so much and I will never forget her.

Callie, no cat was ever loved like I loved you. Someday we'll be together again and you won't have that arthritis that hurts you when you walk and you'll be able to run and play with Ozzy again and go on walks with me, and I'll feed you every day by hand if you want me to. And I hope that in kitty heaven you'll understand how much you meant to me and how much I loved you. I told you so many times and I wished so much that you could understand.

I still have all the pictures and the videos I took of you in the last months of your life and they will always be treasured. It hurts so much to look at them now, you curled up in my coat or a little blanket and eating your little squeeze treats, since your teeth hurt too bad to chew solids, and then falling asleep in my lap.

I hope that I will be able to handle losing you and doing this for you is the only thing I can think of that will make the hurt easier to bear. I would give anything to be with you again when you and I were both young and had so many memories still to create together. You helped me so much with my depression, you even stopped a suicide attempt when you looked up at me as I was leaving the house to do it, and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you alone.

You were the most wonderful cat in the world. There will never, ever be another little kitty like you and if I live to be a hundred I will always remember my special little girl and hope to see her again when I go.

Please wait for me, my baby. I will be with you again and then it will be for always.

5/27/2021: These past days have hurt more than I can ever say. I know this won't last forever, in my mind. But in my heart it feels like I will never stop hurting.

I can't ever, ever say how much I love you, my sweet little girl. I miss you so much. I've cried a hundred times these past few months knowing I would be losing you and I will cry a thousand more. Every time it feels like my heart is ripping in two all over again.

I have struggled with depression for over twenty years, and this is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I knew this would hurt, but I couldn't ever have imagined how much. I have wished I was dead so I could be with you again, my little girl. My fingers shake as I type, words are so inadequate to describe how I feel.

Please, please baby, please wait for me. I will never, ever leave you again. Every day I will spend with you.

5/30/2021: My parents received my baby's ashes yesterday. I took them home today.

I was never able to take her home while she was alive, but now I can do my best to make up for that. When we get a house, I will set aside a special place for her. I have her toys, her blanket I always wrapped her up in.

And her ashes.

I had a dream about my baby as well. I was at my parents' house, and came out onto the porch, where she often liked to lay. She was there, and my sister and her friend. I knew in my dream she was dead, and I asked "What is Callie doing here?"

My sister responded "No, that's not Callie, that's (her friend's) cat"

And my baby looked up at me and I saw her markings, and I knew, and said, "No, this is Callie."

And then I woke up.

It could've just been my mind, trying to help me recover from her death. But I like to think this was her way of telling me she was still there. Still watching me, and waiting for me, and that one day I would be meeting her again.

Even if it was the former, I choose to believe the latter.

Since then I've been able to think of her without sobbing, although I still cry. I'll never fully get over her. I guess no one ever does completely get over the loss of someone they loved. We just learn to cope as best we can. It's one of the many harsh lessons I never wanted to have to learn, one of the reasons I wanted to check out of here so often when I was a teen and in my 20s. Life at times seems suffused with so much sadness. Happiness, fulfilment, joy - those things are possibles. Maybes. Things you have to work for.

But sadness, loss, hurt - that's inevitable. That's something you will experience, if you have the capacity in you to love. I already know a great deal of the sadness, loss and hurt in my future, which will happen, and it's just a question of when. I feel cowardly that sometimes the thought still crosses my mind to end it just to escape the pain I feel now and the pain I will have ahead of me. I've been told all my life by so many people that I'm strong, to deal with some of the things I've gone through, and I never feel that way. I always feel like a sensitive, scared, hurt little boy inside, and the pain takes me apart. Holding my little girl and feeding her was one of the few things that soothed my hurt, and now she's been taken away from me.

I feel that I'm not dealing with this well.

The loss and the hurt will always be there. That's good. I want them to be. I want them there to remind me I'm human and I loved, and love, her so much. My special little girl. I miss you so much.

I'm starting to cry now, so I'm going to stop here. I hope I can successfully upload some more pictures soon.

I love you Callie. My baby, my wonderful little girl. You will never, ever be forgotten.

6/1/2021: I received mail from Rainbow Bridge today. My rainbow pin was inside. I want to wear it, but am slightly afraid it will make me feel like crying all day. I'll still do it tomorrow.

I want to write something, but I feel like right now I can't. I look at all her pictures and I don't think it's sunk in yet she's really gone. She was around for half my life, from age nineteen to thirty six. Why did I have to say goodbye?

6/5/2021: I have some more pictures I'm trying to upload which are giving me problems. With time the hurt becomes easier, but it will always leave a hole in my heart for my little girl.

Eventually we will get another little kitty, and I struggled with that for a long time (I knew I would be losing Callie before too long had passed last year) and finally I have come to the realization that it's not a betrayal or forgetting my little girl. It just means that someday when I leave this earth, I'll look forward to seeing my two little babies instead of one.

Callie's toys, blanket, ashes and pictures will hold a special place in our house, when we get one. I will build a little stand for her, and there she'll rest always, waiting for the day she can see me again, and I can see her again.

I still can't go too long thinking about her or talking about her without feeling the tears rise. I loved my little girl so much. But the good times come more easily to mind now, remembering what a wonderful, special little cat she was.

6/11/2021: We've set up a little temporary place for my baby's memories and ashes, and it helps some, to see her pictures and her toys. I miss her so much every day, but one day I'll see her again.

I wear my baby's pin every day now. And every day when I come home, I take it off my shirt and place it in front of her ashes and tell her how much I miss her. And that's where I get it from the next day, every day.

Sometimes rituals exist to help someone cope with an overwhelming loss and sadness, and I quickly fell into this one without even realizing what I was doing. But I can't imagine not doing it every day now. I carry it with me as a part of my little girl so I will always remember.

Some people at work have asked me about the pin I wear, and I've been more than willing to tell them it's a memorial for my little girl, and show them one of her pictures, and say how much I miss her. It helps, little by little, but the only thing that will truly soothe the hurt is being able to see her again one day.

One day. We never know when it'll come or how, but one thing I do know is that when it comes, I'll be wearing her pin, and I'll be looking forward to seeing her again, along with all those I've lost.

I love you so much, little girl. I will carry that love with me forever and always, until I scratch you behind your little ears and hold your little hand again one day.

5/25/2022: The anniversary of losing my precious little girl.

Time has helped some things, but not all. There's still a hole in my heart for my baby girl. And I can't look at this page unless I have some spare time set aside to cry. The tears still come so easily when I think of her.

I have two new cats, Olivia and Sebastian. They're wonderful little kitties and they're very spoiled and always will be, just like Callie, but of course they can't ever replace her. Nothing ever could.

It's been very hard all this week, knowing the anniversary was coming. I've been wearing her pin. And I've been telling people about her, about what a special and precious little girl she was. It helps to tell people. It helps to wear her pin. And it helps to cry, which I've been doing every day this week.

I wonder if it'll ever fade. Whenever I think of her I can't push the thoughts away or think of something else - it feels like I'm trying to forget my little girl if I do that. I have to think it through until it comes to a conclusion on its own.

I wonder if she knows, wherever she is now, how much I truly love her and miss her and how much I still hurt over her. I had pets before her, and I loved them too - but there was something truly unique about her. I feel like a broken record, but she was just so special. There was something so special about her that I don't think I'll ever see again in another animal. We shared the kind of bond that only comes along once in a lifetime, it seems.

If I tell people how much I love her, their response is sometimes "I know how you feel, I had a dog/cat/etc I loved a lot." And I feel like...I can't explain it to you. I can't explain it to myself. I had pets I loved. She was different.

Maybe one day I'll be able to put it into words. It's frustrating not being able to. A part of myself is missing with her gone, that I won't ever be able to get back. All I can do is look at her ashes, and her toys, and the videos I took of her, and remember how much different I felt when she was alive, how it was to feel whole and like everything would be all right.

The world went a little gray for me when she died, and it won't ever regain its original color. I still have memories of that color, but it doesn't exist anymore for me. It only exists in my mind, just like her.

I can't cry anymore today, so I have to stop. I hope you're happy wherever you are, my little girl. And I hope you remember me, remember us.

I miss you so much Callie.

I love you. Always and forever.

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"𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘺𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘴?"

"𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘐 𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵"

"𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬. 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘳𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘪𝘯'𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘌𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨."

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"𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘴, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯. 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯."

― 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘒𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘗𝘦𝘵 𝘚𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘺