I got to read all of my records in detail, and found out that Catacomb had a rare cancer that is very unlikely to be responsive to treatment and even with treatment is aggressive and fatal with an average lifespan of maybe 3 months.

Given that info, I did literally everything possible and nothing I could have ever done would have mattered but I tried. I have mixed feelings on that.

But she wasn't going to get better and that's hard to accept. I still miss her everyday. I started therapy for my pathological grief disorder but I don't know how much help it'll be but it's something.

I'm focusing a lot on taking care of Baby Lou and her pain management with her acupuncture and laser therapy. I'll just keep giving my love to the rest of my cats.

So on March 31st,(a week and a couple days ago), We put Jordy, the other OG cat to sleep with a behavioral euthanasia for his laundry lost of health issues.

This isn't about Catacomb but the feelings came back up and having to relive the loss hurt a lot. This happened as well in December a few days before when her birthday would have been since we also had put Lyle, the pit bull to sleep since his heart had gotten worse and he had gotten sick. That hurt a little less since it had been expected but the timing hurt.

Setting up a cabinet for him and giving him a last few good meals, getting his paw prints, a pillow of him, a photo album on the way, scheduling the carpet cleaning, has felt okay for me at least because I felt that this was a good choice and that it wasn't unexpected or traumatic or full of regret like I have for Catacomb and her suffering, but having a body bag in the freezer where she was throws me back a little bit. I'm trying to do my best but it is stressful and I'm just tucking it away for now because it isn't about me.

His litter box behavior being a very large aspect but the anxiety he must have felt everyday for so many years was also a huge part of the decision. The day before, he was pulling out his fur and eating it, that and the over grooming self harm meant it was the right choice. It'll get better I feel once the sadness has worn off and the relief for him not being anxious and us being able to live normally again, it'll be okay.

It feels weird without him being here since he's been here since day 1 even if he wasn't initially Catacomb's best friend. I'm hoping she can be his friend now.

Today (Dec 19 2022) is her first birthday away from me. she would have been 7 years old if we were going off of her adoption date. I miss her so much just as much every day.

I'm hoping to order a small gift to add to her things soon as well as give the other cats her feast she would have gotten like we do every year for each of the cats.

It feels wrong to not have her here, but eventually it should feel less painful I imagine. Still thinking about her and missing her every single day.

I had her funeral yesterday (Sept 3, 2022), almost 7 months after she died.

I laid with her in my bed and pet her and talked to her, I had her memorial set up, I groomed her and held her, put her in her new bed with all of her paper offerings, flowers, a chunk of my hair from the day she died and a chunk of it then, notes to her,and a little bit of fur from the other cats.

I kissed her forehead and face alot, held her paws again, and cried so much. I told her about how much I love her and how we'll be together again.

I brought her to my cremation lady and cried in her garage for another 20 minutes and cried in the car about how I didn't miss her head one more time and tell her I love her.

I cried more when I got home and woke up with my face hurting and my eyes super swollen. Not having her here with me is so painful. I don't think I've not slept in the same place as her more than 20 times in the last almost 5 years.

I don't want her to think I abandoned her. Driving her in the car was just as painful as her dying again. I tried to have a good day today and I think I did okay.

I finally cut my hair and bleached it for the first time this year. I didn't do anything to it until today so that the piece I put with Catacomb would be kind of a timeline of me mourning her. My chest just kinda feels more empty now and I hate it.

I just want to keep crying and I hate how final it is that I'll never hold her paws or feel her fur or kiss her face again. I can take a million photos and it can't replace her. I love her and miss her so much and I'm afraid of how much it'll hurt when I get her back again.

I'm hoping it won't hurt and it'll feel complete but nothing will make me feel whole again without her here to head bump me and sleep next to me and wait at the corner of my bed to be picked up.

my face is starting to hurt from crying again so I'll try to add more when it isn't so painful.