April 9, 2023 Dear Chloe, This year it is extra sad to write to you, because it has been 5 years since you left us, a big anniversary, and because we laid Buster to rest on January 31 this year. Were you there to meet him at the Rainbow Bridge? I feel that I have neglected you lately. Taking care of Buster was so brain and time consuming, and his loss is so fresh.
But writing today is about you. I hope you have made friends with Duchess and Joey! Last night I ended up talking about your dementia, especially how we did not understand what was going on in the beginning, and we thought your "redecorating" was just a little quirk. I think that you must have felt so alone at times, and misunderstood. I can relate to that, and it hurts to think that you suffered in that way. I still think about taking you out back in the dark to potty. Even though I stayed out there with you, you felt anxious, and I made you suffer that. I am so sorry. I hope all your anxiety is so far behind you now! Your body must be strong and young again, so you can go crackerdog as much as you want to. That is one of my favorite memories. I like to remember your happy dance when you realized we were getting ready to take you for a walk. How cute you looked in your little shirts. Your little hillbilly look with your missing front teeth. Your fantastic Gandalf eyebrows as you got older. The dramatic eyeliner around your eyes! People always stopped us on the street to tell us how pretty you are.
I could go on and on. I love to look at photos of you, and I just haven't done it enough lately. I love you so much. I love Barney too, but he is not my Chloe Girl. You are my dog soulmate. I wish you could come back to me! Please wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge.

April 9, 2022 Dear Chloe, We meet again here, marking the 4th anniversary of your passing. I had hoped to spend the day more quietly than it ended up, but I just took a walk to help me transition from chores to thinking specifically about you. Of course, I have been thinking about you all day. I even called Barney "Chloe" earlier.
Barney is doing well, and enjoying his classes again. Two weeks ago, he was the only dog who remembered an obedience sequence that we had not done in a couple of years. Even Mav didn't get it right. When I wrote to you last year, I told you that Buster had been diagnosed with renal failure. It's hard to believe, but he is still with us! People say we treat him so well, that he doesn't want to leave, not even for the Rainbow Bridge. He needs medicine and fluids, but he's doing Ok. Barney is scared of him; if Buster hits Barney, poor Barney will scream!
I still go to my grief group. Last week I told everyone stories about you. The way I would look out the back door at stars while I sat up with you those last few months. The way you snuggled under the blankets on our bed on cold nights. How you would dance your happy dance when we said it was time for a walk. The way you'd bark when we'd say "uh oh, hot dog" to you. How you would bark at us when we played with the Nerf guns. Taking you for walks in your stroller in those last months. How people would stop us on walks to say how beautiful you are.
Chloe, I really miss you. Barney is a good dog, but he can't take your place. And I wouldn't want him to. I love Barney, Buster, and Rocky and Blossom, but you are my one and only dog. I often think about how Daddy told me that you taught him how to love dogs. That kinda says it all.
Because of looking at the stars that winter of 2017-2018, the star Sirius has become associated with you in my mind and heart. As we get closer and closer to your anniversary, Sirius sinks lower and lower in the western sky. The past week, I have only seen it once. That seems to set the stage for your anniversary. Sirius has always been my favorite star, one that I welcome each fall, and enjoy seeing throughout the winter. And it reminds me that the anniversary of your passing is on the horizon. It keeps my love for you fresh through the cold winter nights.
I miss you, Sweet Girl, Smart Girl. I pray to see you again some day. I love you.

April 9, 2021 Dear Chloe, It is 3 years ago today since we lost you. I can't believe it was that long. Sometimes it feels so fresh, like it was only a few days ago. Other times, it feels like ages since you've been gone. Grief is so surreal!
Rabbi Leder is right -- it doesn't always hurt so often. But it does still hurt a lot at times.
I had a calm, not very busy day. Maybe it was a restrained day, so I wouldn't fall apart. But I kept chores to a minimum, so I wouldn't get caught up in tasking. I spent some time adding Little Golden Boks to GoodReads, and also looking at pics of you. I put about 100 pics of you on my phone, since we didn't have smartphones for most of your life. I am so glad to have them on my phone now! I thought that was a worthwhile use of my time today, and you would be glad I did the LGB too. I sent a couple of pics to SB; I knew she would like to see them.
One picture I had forgotten is of you, in a big box by the bookcase. Like a cat, you'd gotten up on the box somehow. Your head was down on your paws and the black around your eyes is so prominent and dramatic! You are truly the prettiest dog ever. I wish we had a professional portrait of you -- you have such a dramatic look! And why were you on that big box? Did you get up on it by yourself?
Buster is getting pretty sick with renal failure. Recently, I remembered how he would sleep with you in the afternoon, in those last months of your life with us. He had never done that before, after he was a kitten. Sometimes you just curled up together; sometimes he used you for a pillow; sometimes you used him. It was so sweet to see a picture of that too. In not too long, he may be curled up with you over the Rainbow Bridge.
Chloe, I don't have any new words to tell you how much I miss you, and wish you were still here with us. I wish you were still sleeping on our bed with us. You could always be counted on to come take a nap with us, and you'd snuggle yourself under toe covers too!
You are the best dog ever! I love Barney and Rocky and Buster, too. But no one compares to you!
You are my Smart Girl, my good girl, my sweet girl. I will never stop missing you.
PS. We are having hot dogs for dinner tonight -- one of your favorites -- in your honor.
PPS. Today's daily verse was I Corinthians 13:13b -- and the greatest of these is love -- perfect for a day of remembering you!

April 9, 2020 Dear Chloe, I haven't written to you in a long time, and I have so much to tell you! It has been raining all day, and I am glad you did not have to take a walk in the rain! I know how much you hate that!
We are in the middle of a viral pandemic. I am happy that it seems like dogs (and cats) don't get sick from it, but many, many people are getting sick. We can still walk Barney outside, but there are many places that are closed. We spend a lot of time in the evening watching TV or movies. Do you remember Scrubs? We are listening to a series of podcasts about that show. You sat with us so many times while we watched Scrubs!
We haven't been able to take Barney to class for over a month. It's too bad Cortney didn't have that class when you were living with us. You would have enjoyed the jumping too. We take Barney for long walks downtown or at the park when we don't have class, just like we took you for long walks. Do you know your stroller is still in my trunk? I am not sure how much you liked the stroller, but it enabled us to take you outside when you weren't feeling strong enough to take a walk.
II have been thinking a lot about you today, and for a couple weeks before. Nadine and I have talked a lot about how much I still miss you. Chloe, I hope you know that I will never, ever forget you, and that Barney can never, ever take your place. He's a good dog, but he is not my soul dog.
Did I ever tell you what Daddy said about you? He said that you taught him how to love a dog, and helped him learn how to love Barney. Barney is kinda Daddy's special dog. I know you loved Daddy too, but we all know that I was your favorite. ;) And then SB. So it's only fair that Daddy should have a special dog in his life. I don't need another special dog; I had you!
We are having hot dogs for dinner in your memory. Partly cuz that was your final meal, and partly cuz we used to say "uh oh, hot dog" to you, and you would bark at us. It will be a sad meal, but also full of good memories of when you lived with us.
Here's another funny thing that I remembered about you just today: you had a weird ear "wart" grow, and while it was benign, it was kinda gross, so we had Dr. Tom remove it with a laser. After it healed up, you couldn't even tell it had been there!
I just resized and uploaded a new picture to your headstone. It is my favorite picture of you (though I love so many pics of you!), but I had never thought of adding it to your pics here on Rainbow Bridge. It's the picture of you that I have open on my phone nearly all the time. Oh, how I wish we had had smartphones when we had you! It's so easy to snap pics of Barney (or whatever else), and then you can keep the best ones on your phone. There are lots of nights when I scroll through your pictures on my phone. It makes me sad, but it is also comforting. And a friend sent me a drawing of a dog who has a heart on her hip. He didn't even know you had a heart on your hip also!
I have been thinking one unhappy thing recently. We didn't understand what you were going through with your dementia in the beginning. I remember that first summer, when we would take you out back in the dark for one final potty. I can see now that you hated that, and that you got so anxious, but I did not realize what you were going through. I am so sorry to have put you through that! I can remember how wide-eyed you would sometimes get, that you were probably fearful, and I didn't understand. I know we took good care of you most of the time, but that is one thing I wish I could go back and change! Chloe, I have suffered some hard times since you left us. My anxiety has gotten worse, and so I am even more empathetic to what you suffered. I hope you can, or already have, forgiven me. I don't have many regrets about how I cared for you, but I do have a few big ones.
OK, one more happy memory. I have been trying to train Barney to get up on the bottom step, so it's easier to put on his harness for a walk. When I do that, I usually think about you and your happy dance when we said it was time for a walk. You would hop up onto the stairs and then off again, and back on, and bounce all around the door. You sure loved going for a walk!
Chloe, I love you and miss you every day.

December 25, 2019 Merry Christmas, Chloe! We still hang up your stocking, and remember taping bows to your head. We love you!

December 22, 2019 Dear Chloe, It has been so long since I wrote to you. I want to continue to have this bond with you, but Iet life get in the way. I have been sick often, with lots of vertigo, but that is not an excuse. I believe you know my heart, and that you forgive my failings, just as you forgave them when you were alive. I think of you so often. When I look at the lights of Angus, I remember sitting up with you, and looking at them late at night. When it's cold and we put Barney's coat on him, I remember bundling you up for your walks. I remembered how much you loved Thanksgiving, and waiting for Daddy to "accidentally" drop some pieces when he carved the turkey. You loved those turkey bits! This is Barney's first Christmas, and he has no idea how wonderful it will be. I hung up your stocking today; there is no way I would forget to do that! This is our second Christmas without you. It does hurt less, but you are still in my heart, and I will never forget you.

September 15, 2019 Dear Chloe, Again I missed the 9th; I was sick this time with bad allergies, and I wasn't able to go to my grief group again this month. I am finally starting to feel a bit better from the allergies, but, maybe because I have spent more time resting, I have been missing you more this month. I have been reading some of my old journals, to see how I was feeling early this year when my anxiety and depression got so bad. Last night, Daddy picked up Barney and told him he was "one fine dog." I reminded him that he used to say that to you also, and I started to cry. I just missed you so much. Daddy said that there were some names for you that he would never use for Barney, and when I asked for an example, he said "Houndlette." That was his special name for you; I never used it, just Daddy. I cried a bit more, and then moved on with getting ready for bed. Sometimes I hate that life interrupts my grieving. I believe that God wants me to learn that it's OK to have continuing bonds with you, because I keep running into that idea when I read about grieving. So I keep lighting your candle each night, and keeping memories of you strong. Annie and I just finished a charm for SB to honor Calantha. It's so pretty! I hope you and Calantha can run and play your special game in Heaven! I love you, Chloe.

August 9, 2019 Dear Chloe, Well, I am not writing this on the 9th, but I actually couldn't. I had hurt my shoulder and could barely move my arm at all. Daddy had to drive me to the chiropractor. My arm is all better now, and since I couldn't do much on the 9th, I thought about you all day. In fact, I have been thinking about you a lot all month. Perhaps because I have been trying to take things a little easier, and the Fair is over. I found one of your old shirts and hung it on the line to freshen it up, then I put it in the wooden box that Daddy made for me to collect all your things in. There is already one shirt in there, the one made from my tank top from Paris. I love your little shirts so much! I made each one for you, and you got a lot of use from them, whether it was because of cold weather or a scrape on your skin. Do you know that Barney has sensitive skin also??? I think that's odd that he has that problem too. I am learning to love him more, and he is learning to love us. We still don't allow him to sleep on the bed with us; he has a little bed on the floor beside me. We are enjoying him more, especially being able to take him to the advanced class and do the agility course, which he likes to do. He really flies when he jumps! He's fun, but he's not you and I miss you!

July 17, 2019 Dear Chloe, Again, I missed your anniversary! It's my tendency to beat myself up over missing that special day, but I know in my heart that you forgive me. You don't even need to hear the excuses that I have ready to give you; you simply forgive me, cuz your love is unconditional. Since I last wrote to you, Calantha has joined you in heaven. I bet you were happy to see your little sister! No one ever thought we would lose her next. It wasn't as bad as when we lost you, but it was bad, and it reminded me so much of losing you, everything that we went through that weekend. I guess you know that things have been tough for me lately. Life was just better when you were with me. I don't think I will ever stop missing my sweet girl.

June 9, 2019 Dear Chloe, 14 months gone! What can I say that hasn't been said before? I still miss you! And now your friend Calantha is ill. SB will miss her as much as I miss you. It will be so hard to go through all that with her again. Barney is doing better, but he will never be you. I would not want him to be you. You were a one and only dog! There will never be another dog whom I love as much I love you. Life is a bit easier for me these days, but I still am not used to you being gone. I recently heard the song La Vie en Rose, and felt like those days were gone for me, that when you were around was la vie en rose. I was sad for days after hearing that song, and it will always remind me of you. You were such a constant source of love in my life, and I miss that.

May 9, 2019 Dear Chloe, Strange but today is harder for me than last month was, even though last month was a "big" anniversary. Having that dream last month was the worst, rather than the actual anniversary. Today I finished Last Dog on the Hill, and read about the last year of Lou's life. Though he did not have dementia, much of his last days reminded me of you. I prayed so often that you would die in your sleep, but you (like Lou) had too much of the fighter in you, and we had to make the decision for you. You fought that dementia hard! And through it, you were still our sweet, little girl. I hate my life right now, getting up every day to take care of Barney, who is NOT YOU! He's difficult in ways that you never were; I don't know how I will ever learn to really love him. I like him, of course, and he's funny, but he doesn't have your heart. And he never looks at me with eyes so full of love the way you did. I know it's not his fault that he's not you, but you are still the only dog I want.

April 9, 2019 Dear Chloe, One year ago today, in the late afternoon, you left us for Heaven, peacefully lying in my lap, with Dr. Amanda, Stephen, Daddy there also. You had had so much trouble that week with your dementia; you needed relief and peace. You fell asleep for the last time so contentedly, when for months you had struggled to be able to go to sleep. I know it was the right decision to make, but it was so hard to let you go. I still miss you every day. I accidentally call Barney by your name, because I wish you were still with me. Today I spent some time writing in your memory book, remembering some of the many, many special things about you. I've been thinking about CrackerDog and your Happy Dance when we would say the word "walk." I asked the kids to tell me a special memory of you. Kim mentioned how you crawled up on her legs to comfort both of you the first day you met. We had thought about having steaks for dinner tonight, since you loved getting fed bits, but then I thought I would miss you too much. I dreamed about losing you a few nights ago, and when I woke up, I just sat and sobbed. The grief was so fresh, just like when I woke up at 4 am the morning after you left us. I've been crying off and on since then. It's so hard to be without you.

3/9/19 Dear Chloe, eleven months today since you went to Heaven. I just spoke with a neighbor who remembers you barking when he walked his dog by our house. You always wanted everyone to know what a fierce-spirited dog lived here! I guess you know that we have Barney now. I was not really ready to get another dog, but Daddy fell in love with Barney. He only has one eye, and he was a stray. I hope you don't mind that we took him in; he needed a good home. But having him around hasn't changed missing you. I sometimes still can't believe you are gone. And I want you back so much. It's true that I have less time to think about you, but when I do, I still hurt. I have enjoyed looking at your pics recently, and remembering more things that are special about you, like how much you loved a belly rub, and how you would wait so patiently for your food dish to be put down. You are a smart girl, and a pretty girl, and my one and only soul dog. There will never, ever be another dog like you.

2/9/19 Dear Chloe, Time keeps rushing by. You have been gone 10 months now. I feel that I have said everything I want to say to you 10 times already. I miss you. Life is not the same without you. I called Buster "Chloe" the other day. (Don't be mad, even though he is a cat!) Going to the group does help; I feel that I am honoring you when I cry over others' stories. It's been rainy here and very cold at night; you would not like your walks so much, and you need to snuggle under the covers with us. But I do see small signs that things are getting better. I was able to start scanning some of our older pictures, so I can start making a beautiful photo album for you. I've been wanting to do that, but just haven't been able to look at the pictures without being overcome with grief. I scanned some pics this week, and although I was sometimes sad, I also enjoyed looking at your pics. You were so skinny when we adopted you back in 2002!! (I was skinnier then too.) And you got so shaggy in your senior years. But no matter when, you were always the Cutest Dog in the World!! And I finally found one of my all-time favorite pictures of you: the one at the final test for your obedience class, when you are sitting, just ignoring Kola, just like you are supposed to! I was so proud of you that day, cuz that was tough for you. And you are so tiny and Kola is so big. I just love that picture! You are such a good girl! It was good to spend time remembering you and the things we did together. But there will NEVER be another you! I miss you, my sweet little girl.

1/9/2019 Dear Chloe Girl, Nine months. I had to go to Pet Supply today, and get more food for Buster. Actually, I had to go to both of them, and as I talked to people in each store, I simply wanted to tell them about you. I still miss you so much. My life is empty without you. I don't know what to do with myself. Grief group helps, talking to Nadine helps, but always temporarily. The grief can come crashing back at any moment. Christmas was hard without you, even though we were away from home. When we got home, it hit me hard again. And when we had Christmas with S&K, I thought about how you would wait patiently for a treat from one of your gifts. I bet you didn't miss how we used to stick gift bows to your head. I so missed the way you'd curl up behind me on my chair and sleep while we opened gifts! Oh, did you know that I donated a stuffed toy to a shelter dog from you? I am sure you have plenty of toys in heaven, and that you'd be glad to know that a dog who maybe had no toys got one at Christmas. I feel that I write basically the same thing every month, and that it must be boring to you, but the main thing in my life is missing you.

12/9 Dear Chloe, Today it has been 8 months since you passed into Heaven. Christmas is coming, and I miss you so much at this time of year. On thanksgiving, you were not hanging around Daddy's feet as he carved the turkey, waiting patiently for any bits that "accidentally" fell to the floor. I haven't had to shop for any new toys or treats for you! That is so sad. I did read recently of buying a toy and donating it to a shelter in your name; I think I will do that because you were so generous with your love. I still miss you so much. I've been going to a grief group for people who've lost their furbabies. It is a wonderful place to talk about you to people who know how much it hurts! It's also very emotional because everyone's story is sad. But it's good to hang out with others who are in the same situation. Even after all this time, it's just not normal without you. We are going away for Christmas, and although I need to support Daddy in this trip, I just want to stay home and cave and mourn you. I was saying last night that I even miss the nights when you and I would sit up, when you had trouble getting to sleep. We'd go out in the living room, turn on the heater, and curl up on the couch. The house was so quiet, and it was just you and me, a special time we shared. I am glad your sleep troubles are over forever, but I am glad to have had that time with you. I changed your picture to the one of you in your Canucks coat that I made for you. It was so warm and protected you from the rain. Oh, how you hated walking in the rain! But you were a good dog and went anyway! I love you, and my life will never be the same without you.

10/15 Dear Chloe, I am sorry that I missed writing on your 6 month anniversary. I was still thinking about you! We came home from our trip just the day before, I woke up with a sinus infection and vertigo again, which has kept me off the computer. But I wanted to tell you that we purchased the most beautiful-sounding windchime in your memory while we were away! That was something I wanted to do on this trip. We have not hung it up yet; today are Santa Anas, which you always hated. I am glad you don't have to go out for a walk in it today! I missed you a lot on our trip; on the first day away, I woke up thinking that if you had still been with us, we wouldn't have been able to go on this trip. And I didn't feel happy, I felt nothing but sad. On the day we started home, I said to myself, "Tonight we sleep in our own bed and see our won puppy!" But it wasn't true; we wouldn't see you. It was tough to actually buy the windchime, because it was a memorial to you: it said you were really gone! And I still sometimes wonder if we did the right thing at the right time (depite what Dr. Amanda said!). But at the same time, I can tell I miss having a dog in the house. Daddy was messy at dinner last night, and we joked about needing a new dog to clean up after him. But I feel guilty to think about a new dog, even though it would mean rescuing a dog from a shelter and giving it a good home. But it still feels disloyal to you. I don't ever want to forget you, or have another dog take your place in my heart. I don't know how to resolve this. Maybe it means I am not ready. It certainly means I keep missing you every day!

9/9 Dear Chloe, Today it is 5 months since you left us and went to Heaven. I went to church, and hoped to get in and out without crying, but God had other plans. He led Lisa to talk to me about her grief, and then we talked about you and my grief. I am so glad that I spent so much time with you those last months, and have few regrets about your care. That is a comfort to me. I am so glad you no longer circle or feel anxious. Caring for you those months taught me a lot about myself, and I am grateful for that too. But I still simply miss you so much! I can tell that my heart is opening to this idea of getting another dog. I want to know that that is OK with you. Would it hurt you if we adopted another dog? I guess you are beyond being hurt, but I still wonder if it's OK with you. We barbequed on Labor Day, and I was sad that I didn't have you to share my steak with! It even seems kinda pointless to take a walk at night without you. I haven't been able to take a walk in the daytime yet; it would be too lonely!

8/10 Dear Chloe, I missed writing for you on the 4 month anniversary of your death, just like last month. But in a way, I am glad that I did, because last night, we talked with Roger at the Fair. He was so understanding of our grief, and so empathetic. His wife has a heavy grief of her own, and he talked about how she has so many "what if" moments, the same as I do. That was encouraging to me, that the "what if's" are a stage of grief that I need to go through. He also spoke of God knowing the time for each of us to leave this earth, that he knew your time also, and how death is simply a momentary transition for those of us who live in God's grace. I had read the same thing earlier this week, so I guess I really was meant to get that idea. He also encouraged me to hold on to my faith that you are in Heaven. I pray it is so! If I had written yesterday, I would have only talked about how much I still miss you (which is true), but today, I have Roger's words to lift me up. Oh, I also wanted to tell you that I decided to order a custom piece from C-Breeze Treasures, and I've seen a preliminary design! It has the "Til we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge" connector, with an absolutely perfect heart clasp, so I can hang it from my purse, backpack, jacket, whatever, to take a physical reminder of you everywhere and honor you that way. I hope you can look down and see it when it is finished! I love you and miss you so much. It seems like a long time since I held you in my arms.

7/10 Dear Chloe, Yesterday it was 3 months since you left us for the Rainbow Bridge. I had wanted to write to you, but really, I didn't know what to say. Everything has been said before: I still miss you, still cry over your absence, still wonder how you can really be gone. But last night, I talked to Daddy about what he still missed about you, and since I am usually the one who talks to you, I thought I'd tell you. He misses the way you used to always greet him at the front door when he got home from work, even once you were getting deaf. How did you know?? And he also misses our nightly walks together, when you were still able to enjoy them. It was such a good way for all of us to unwind before bed, and it was a favorite part of your day, to be able to get out and smell everything. It really helped me to be able to hear him say these things. I want you to know that you were such a good little dog! And that we will always miss you!

6/25 Dear Chloe, We have been getting ready for our trip, and it has made me miss you in whole new ways! Usually, I had to pack up your supplements and treats and shirts, to get you ready to go visit SB while we went away. I didn't have to do any of that this time, so it has been constantly on my mind that you are no longer her with us. I am reluctant to leave the house (although we have to go), because of all the memories of you here. I won't be able to take down your lovely cedar box and take a deep sniff. I won't be able to cuddle under our blanket when we watch TV. And the last time we went to visit Daddy's family was the time you had your first bad anxiety issues, so once I get there, I know I will be thinking of that! And then I had a very sad dream this morning about you being gone. It will be a hard trip! Before we leave, I wanted to tell you once more how much we love you, how much we miss you every day! You were the best, the prettiest, dog ever, and we will always miss you! Buster has had some hard times lately, and I hope you can help S&K by helping them watch over him.

6/9/18 Dear Chloe, It is two months ago, almost to the minute, that you crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Life is still so very strange. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday that you left us, and in others, it feels like it has been forever! I still miss you every day! I am filled with happy memories of our time together, but those memories also bring the sorrow of your absence. And I still struggle with second-guessing whether it was the right time for you. I know that Dr. Amanda thought it was, and at the time it seemed clear to us also, but I just can't get over the guilt and wondering. Last week, I found some pink fabric that I had set aside to make a shirt for you. It was such a pretty pink, and would have been so pretty on you! But I had forgotten, or gotten too busy, to make it, and I felt so terrible that I hadn't made it for you. For all that I did do for you, it just never seems like it was enough. I wish so much I had our last year together to do over again. I guess I simply want more time with you. I miss you so much!

5/26/18 Dear Chloe, We went away for a couple of days early this week, and had a good time, but it was tough to come back to the house without you being here to greet us and be excited that we were home with you again! I talked to Pastor Eric about it, and he pointed out how many times I came home (from a trip, a day out hiking or just shopping), and you were there, many thousands of times, and that it would take many, many homecomings to get used to you not being here. Since then, I've been more sad again. I am not so shocked that you aren't here; it's not such a surprise each time, but I've felt more down, depressed, I guess. The other night I slapped the bed for some reason, and I flashed on the way you would leap onto the bed (so high for you! You were such an athlete!), after barking at the front window, so you could continue to bark in the bedroom, at people and dogs who dared to walk by your house! I was sad that for the last couple of years, as you lost your hearing and sight, you no longer were troubled by dogs walking by. In one way, that helps me to know we did the right thing, releasing you to the Rainbow Bridge where you could leap and play and bark again. But I also feel sad that you lost something in your elder years that you had enjoyed so much. I miss you so much, both the quitter dog that you were in those final years, and the exuberant watch dog that you had been for so long. You helped me be brave when Daddy traveled, just one more thing that is missing now.

5/18/18 Dear Chloe, Someone wrote beautiful words in your guest book today, and I was hit so hard by missing you again! I am so thankful for each person who takes the time to read about you and to write comforting and encouraging words. I have been managing a bit better, doing lots of writing in my journal and the book SB bought me. I saw Andy the other day at TJ's and told him about you; he was so sweet and understanding. But still the grief can be so tough, and so unexpected! We are going out on Sunday for the day, the first time in months, and although I am looking forward to it, I also know that we can only go because you are gone. I would rather you be here, healthy, than be able to go out. I hope you don' mind that we are going; Buster is doing better, so he'll be fine, but I don't want to hurt your feelings! We've been lighting a candle for you every night. Can you see it?

5/9/18 Dear Chloe, It is a month since you left us for the Rainbow Bridge. We all miss you so much, and me most of all. On one hand the time has seemed to go so fast, especially with Buster's teeth issue, but on the other, it seems like forever since I held you. I know you were so comfortable in my lap when Dr. Amanda was here, but now I wish I had picked you up and hugged you once more! That's just selfish of me, cuz I am glad that you were so comfortable in my lap, too. Today I have been working on my journal, writing about your last days. I've cried a lot, but it seemed like the right thing to do to commemorate you. Daddy will pick up dinner on the way home; it's just too bad you aren't here to share whatever we end up having. I hope they have cookouts for all the dogs at the Rainbow Bridge! That was one of your favorite things. I really missed you on all the birthdays, how we used to make you wear a bow, but you got a good reward of cake or pie. Kim is going to help me make a mug with your picture on it, and I am trying to pick out a Rainbow Bridge bracelet. I wonder what you have been doing. Do you miss us too? I don't want you to be unhappy. I hope you are having fun with new friends, but I also hope you look down on us sometimes.

5/2/18 Dear Chloe, I am sorry it's been over a week since I wrote to you. Did you see that Buster had to go to the vet, and have 2 teeth pulled? That was Monday, and then yesterday he wasn't feeling too well, so I didn't write. Tomorrow is Stephen's birthday, and you won't be here for him to scratch your belly. Then we have Daddy's birthday on Friday, and Kim's next Monday! All without you being here. A friend gave me some ideas to help me remember you well. Tomorrow, since Buster is doing better, I am going out to look for a few things for you, some battery candles (safe for Buster!), and a pretty box for some of your things. I still have your spreadsheet and the colored pencils out on the table, just as they were for the last 2 months you were with us. Did you see us visiting Dr. A? She told us again what a great dog you are! It was sad to see her, but good at the same time. Today was a hard day for me; I really missed you again. I had to go to a pet store to get bone broth for Buster, and I was sorry I don't get to shop for you anymore. That made me really sad. And I wish we had more pictures of you, things like riding in the car in your special seat, or begging for a bit of our dinner. We took lots of pics, but there were things we missed that are so YOU. It's still so hard to believe you are gone! I love you, my good girl.

4/26/18 Today is my birthday, and there is no Chloe at home to help us celebrate. I didn't realize today would be so hard. We have 3 more birthdays in our home in the next 9 days. I was crying before I got out of bed this morning. I feel like I should be doing better, but the truth is, I am not. I miss our little girl!

4/23/18 Dear Chloe, It has been 2 weeks, almost til the minute since I held you in my arms, and Dr. Amanda helped you over the Rainbow bridge. I still miss you so much! Yesterday, at church, so many people gave me hugs, knowing how much I was hurting. Everyone knows what a sweet girl you are. The other day, when Daddy moved your towel in my car, I almost yelled at him, cuz I didn't want him to disturb the place where you used to ride with me to acupuncture, and teeth cleaning and walks. I thought I saw you lying on the couch one night, but it was just a pillow, and I even called Buster "Chloe" once! It is so hard to adjust to you not being here with us. I miss you when we go to bed at night and when we wake up in the morning. I pray you are meeting wonderful fur babies in the meadow, and playing happily again, and that you won't forget how much we love you.

When our dog Rocky died sixteen years ago, I knew I could never love another dog as much as I loved Rocky. I only thought that because I hadn't met Chloe yet! She was the best dog I've ever had, and miss her all day long. Everything I do, every time, I get into the car, every time I come back from an errand, every meal I cook, every time I get into bed, every time I get up in the morning, reminds me of her. Especially in the last year, our lives were so tightly entwined that I can't really believe she is gone. At the end she was my little baby, needing to be carried upstairs and lifted up onto furniture, to be watched carefully as she navigated doors. In the last 6 months, she would even let us carry her like a baby, something she would never allow when she was younger. It was so painful to watch her mental deterioration, and so hard to assess her quality of life. The couple of times she had full-blown panic attacks, for no apparent reason, were heartbreaking. I am so sad that she is no longer sharing all those things with us. All the joy has gone out of my life. My body feels hungry, but I have no appetite. I have plenty of things to do, things I didn't have time for when I was caring for Chloe, but I don't feel like doing any of them. I don't know what to do with myself. A huge part of my life is over, and I would give anything to bring her back, anything but prolong her suffering.

4/17/2018
After Rocky, it took 6 months for me to be ready to bring another dog into our home, but when we met Chloe, we knew she was the dog for us. She was the cutest dog we had ever seen! She could run up and jump up into our arms, no small feat for a dog who was only cat sized (and smaller than our cat, eventually). She was also a miracle dog: she'd been for a week at a high-kill shelter, where dogs were euthanized after only 3 days. We will never know how she survived there, but I believe her guardian angel protected her for us.

Chloe was smart, but brought her own baggage into our family. She barked at brooms and vacuum cleaners, leading us to believe that she had been hit by brooms. It took a long time to desensitize her to those things. We also discovered how she ended up at the pound: on her first full day with us, she escaped out from under our gate. I caught hold of one back leg, but had to let it go, so I could open the gate to catch her. By that time, she was crossing the alley, and off along the sidewalk. I was able to catch her and bring her back, but we figured someone else had lost her in a similar way. The first order of business that evening was to brick up the opening under the gate. She also did not want to be housetrained; she could hold her pee for a long time, so taking her out to potty was often useless. But eventually, she relented and got accustomed to going where we wanted her to go.

Chloe was also leash-reactive. She would bark and lunge at any other dog, no matter how large. She went to obedience school, several times, which helped, but her reaction was something we had to work on most of her life. And she mellowed as she got older.

It seems strange to have started with the negatives, but that's how our relationship started: with those negatives. No matter, I always knew that she was the dog for us, and that we were the people for her. Because she was never too interested in other dogs, she was strongly bonded to our family, especially to me as her primary caregiver. She was a people dog, and never happier than cuddled up between Randy and me on the couch. She slept between us on the bed every night. In fact, she was a great sleeper; she was always up to take a nap with you, if you felt sick or just tired. She was a great cuddler!

She was highly food-motivated, and taught herself to beg. She happened to sit up and pump her front paws one night, and it was so darn cute that we fell over ourselves, giving her treats. That's all it took; she begged like that for years, until her low back got sore. She learned a multitude of tricks: all the main obedience commands, spinning, jumping through a hoop, high fives, and right from left. She never got that hang of fetch, though, because she was at heart a terrier, and wanted to play tug of war. She also loved to disembowel stuffed toys. She would work a hole into the fabric, and methodically rip out all the stuffing, which eventually trained us to give her only de-stuffed toys!

The one dog whom she loved was SB's Calantha, who lived with us for several years. They enjoyed many a couch wrestle, more or less on top of us. They loved to play tug of war with a toy; many toys did not survive this for long. They also made up their own game in the living room, using the cat climber that Randy built. Cali was several times Chloe's size, especially in the leg, but that little dog was quick! She would hide in the bottom of the cat climber, and Cali would put her face into the space and bark at Chloe. Chloe would dart past Cali, and dash around the furniture, and then back under the cat climber. Cali would chase her, and the game would start all over again. It was loud, but fun and funny to watch.

Chloe hated our nerf pistols! If we started shooting them at each other, she would bark and bark at us, until the shooting stopped. She didn't like rough-housing either; I guess she didn't want anyone getting hurt. She liked knowing what the rules and boundaries were, and that made her think that no one should be able to walk in front of her house. Despite her size, she had a deep bark, and would throw herself against the window or onto our bed to bark at any other dog who walked by our house.

My work schedule was always more flexible than Randy's, so the everyday care and daily walks fell to me. But the return was Chloe's unconditional love. So often she slept on the desk while I worked, or on the floor beside my chair. She just simply loved to hang out wherever I was. She would often stand or sit on the desk and watch the world from the window of the office. She also loved to stick her head through the bannister and watch out the living room windows.

Chloe's favorite thing (after people and food, and until the last year of her life) was her twice-daily walks. The daytime one was usually just her and me; at night randy would join us (and he did his share of day walks on the weekend!). She would bounce up and down if you lifted the leash off the door knob, and couldn't wait to get out the front door (though her training held and she would wait for the "OK"). On the weekends, we'd often take longer walks to the beach, and she kept us with us into her senior years. Until her last year, she would mark as much as she could, just like a male dog, and she would even lift one of her back legs.

Chloe remained remarkably healthy physically, other than beginning to lose her hearing and sight, and slowing down (no more barking at other dogs on leash!). But in May, 2017, we left her with Sarah Beth for a week while Randy and I flew to Vancouver for his mom's birthday. While we were gone, Chloe began to exhibit a lot of anxiety, even though she has known SB all her life and has visited at her home many times. When we got home, and started to look more carefully at Chloe's behavior, we realized she had dementia. By fall, it was clear we couldn't go away overnight, and within a few months, we couldn't even really leave her to go out to dinner. We tried so many things to alleviate her anxiety and help her sleep (the other big area that the dementia impacted), from herbals to CBD oil, to Trazodone (which made her worse). In November, we started her on medical marijuana, which helped her more than anything else. In February, her sleep problems escalated, and we brought in Dr. Amanda Page from Lap of Love to help us do an assessment of Chloe's quality of life; we were quite afraid she would recommend euthanasia that day. But she thought that since I was still not working after retiring from the orchestra in 2015, and was willing to be a full-time caretaker for Chloe, that we could continue to give her a good enough life. She put Chloe on Ativan, which helped with her "sundowners" anxiety, though the MMJ still helped her sleep at night the best.

We had another two months with Chloe, but still she continued to worsen. She started circling on walks at night, and then during the day. She was uncomfortable around my son, who lives with us. She flinched when anything came near her face, and this got worse, leading us to think she was suffering from constant generalized anxiety. Then right after Easter, she started circling at night, and having a very hard time getting any sleep. We put up a blow up bed in the living room, and I would sit up with her and try to comfort her until she could fall asleep. Last Friday night, she was unable to really sleep until the sun came up, and we called to have Dr. Amanda come out and euthanize her on Monday. Randy stayed up with her Saturday night. On Sunday we took her to the beach in her stroller, and had a wonderful walk. She had some of her favorite dog food for dinner, as well as a Trader Joe's hot dog, which she loved. I sat up with her Sunday night, and she slept a bit more peacefully. We took her for a final walk, and spent a quiet time loving her until Dr. Amanda arrived. After listening to us explain Chloe's recent symptoms, she told us that we had made the decision at just the right time.

We are heartbroken. Chloe was a small dog with a huge personality. She was never interested in other dogs (except for Calantha), and in the past year, I have become even closer to her, as my days slowly devolved into not doing much other than taking care of her. I was often tired and anxious myself, but I didn't mind caring for her. But it does mean that my day revolved around her, so the reminders of her loss are constant. I thought I would never love another dog as much as I loved Rocky, but Chloe totally won me over!