11/09/2018-
Josh, I can't believe I will never hold you in my arms again. I miss you so much buddy, I love you! Today the reality of my loss became evidently clear. Today was the day I picked up your ashes. Lets just say today was a very bad day. I'm so sorry buddy, I am at a loss for words. I love you Josh.

11/10/2018-
The days leading up to the worst visit to the vet ever I was away on a vacation with my mother and grandparents. While I was away Josh skipped a couple meals. I was concerned something was wrong, but he was in good health when I left. I hoped he was acting up because I was gone. But when I arrived home late on the night of Oct 30th, I and could tell something was seriously wrong. I was gone for 11 days and when I came home Josh's reaction to my arrival was not normal. He slowly got up with his head hung low and a very swollen belly. His tail was wagging slowly and he looked sick. The next morning I took Josh to the doc.
The Vet knew right away what might be wrong..... Hemangiosarcoma. I had never heard of it. Apparently, Hemangiosarcoma is very common in some breeds of dogs including Golden Retrievers. We had a couple of procedures done to be certain the vets diagnosis was correct. We did an ultrasound which showed Josh had two masses in his abdomen. Fluid was pulled from his belly that produced blood. The bleeding had caused Josh to loose about a litter of blood. The primary mass was most likely the mass behind his kidney in the mesentery (which is the connective tissue of the intestines). Because this mass seemed to be the cause of the bleeding, it had probably spread to the splenic mass. Given Josh's breed, age, blood in the abdomen, and mass locations, meant Hemangiosarcoma was the most likely cancer type. The vet said there was a 95% probability this was it. The fact that Josh had two masses in his abdominal area likely meant that one was related to the other. With this cancer type, regardless if there is more than one mass found, it has a 90% probability of spreading elsewhere. Because Josh already had 2 masses meant Josh had an even higher probability of his illness being Hemangiosarcoma. This was all very bad news. The vet gave Josh some fluids that would help replenish his body from the blood loss. We were given pain medication and told to take him home to provide hospice care until it was time to intervene.
I was in total shock. What do you mean Josh is sick? Everything happened so fast. Josh was in good health and acted normal before I left. He showed no signs of illness and gave no reason for us to believe he was sick. The vet told us that with Hemangiosarcoma, there is usually no signs of sickness until its too late or a dog collapses. I was so upset. All the information and statistics given about his illness were terrible. There was nothing I could do to save Josh's life. The fluids did help Josh feel better for a few days. We were given a short time to spoil and love him while he felt like himself. But in the end we choose to intervene when he started to suffer. Six days after the visit to the vet we helped Josh pass peacefully in his home on Nov 6th. This was the worst day of my life. I cant even begin to explain in words the pain I experienced.

11/11/18-
I miss you so much Joshy, my beautiful baby boy!! I can't stop thinking about the fact that I will never hold you in my arms again. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. You know how much I love you Josh, and I know how much you love me. The love we share will never be taken away from us. Even though we are no longer physically together, the bond we share will never be broken. One thing I will never stop missing from our ridiculous reel of shenanigans was our "Bum Bum Scratching's" routine. This is one of my most cherished moments we shared. You knew what was coming when I got home from work and as soon as I walked in the door you came running up with a wagging tail. I sang our song I would sing every single day, "Bum Bum scratching's". I absolutely loved doing our little song and dance together. This was the highlight of my life. I am going to miss this moment we shared so much buddy. I will never forget it. I hope you will never forget it too. I love and miss you so much buddy. xoxoxoxoxo

11/12/18-
This weekend was the fist weekend without my baby boy. Every weekend I would try and make it a point to go do something fun with Josh. We would often go to the dog park or up the canyon. Lucky for us we live 10 minutes away from a dog friendly canyon. Josh absolutely loved this time we shared. He was such a bad ass too. If we went up the canyon Josh always had to be in front to take the lead. When he got too far ahead I would whistle or call his name. He would come running full speed at me to check in. Once he made contact, off he would go again. The dog park near by was pretty awesome too. I call it Doggy Disneyland. There was a river that went through the park and Josh loved to jump in and swim. Josh never passed up the opportunity to swim. The only way he would ever play fetch was if it involved a river or lake. No water, no fetch. This weekend was terrible. I miss my best friend.