Welcome to Kashmir's Rainbow Bridge Memorial Residency
Memories of Kashmir
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Kashmir was my best friend. Kashmir came to me when I needed him most. I had lost my white noise generator, Reggie, and went looking for a white cat. Kaz wasn't the one I went to see, but he was mine as soon as I saw him. I went out to get my crate & I came back & found a family of 5 passing him around. He's a nervous fellow & I told them "give him here; he's mine." I still had Pawz, my polydactyl; she lived almost 25 years. Kaz & Pawz got me through my husband's deployment. I bonded with Kashmir in ways words cannot express. I will have a giant hole in my soul forever. July 2, 2023 - It's been a month now that you left this earth. I'm still a mess but try not to let it show. I know you were just bonding with Bella after we got her to help you over your depression from losing Everkitty. What we didn't know is how totally bonded she was with you. After we left the vet we went to a shelter to find Bella a new kitty. She hated it at first, kept looking for you everywhere. They are getting along better. Her name is TK & I think you'd like her. But every time I look at her I can't help thinking that she's the wrong kitty, it's supposed to be you there not her. I keep trying to figure out why your passing hurts so much more than all my others. Even Pawz who was with us 25 years. All I know is all my other furkids had illnesses so I had a bit of time to prepare. You weren't sick; it was SO sudden. I can still see your little face looking up at me as if asking why. Which is where I am - why, why, WHY? Daddy & mommy miss you so much Kaz. I hope you are making friends. July 3, 2023 Well dang it. I just am crying again. I'm so sorry baby boy. I just keep seeing your face and I hope you forgive me. July 4 - Happy Independence Day! Last year I broke my wrist in a bad fall. You stayed by my side and just let me hold you & pet you. I miss you so much Kazzie-Mere. I can't get those last few days out of my mind. Flipping the narrative just isn't working. I'm trying to focus on Bella and new little TK kitten but losing you was a gut punch through my heart. I'll never get over this loss. July 7 - I'm trying to not feel sad all the time. I got your memorial plaque in the mail. I'm going to hang it on the wall where it can be looked at when we want but isn't out in the open all the time. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I miss you so very much Kaz. I hope you are making friends and having fun chasing butterflies. July 8 - I have your memorial up on the wall. I'm very sad today. The phrase "Fake it 'til you make it" keeps running through my head. Your daddy was really worried about me there for awhile. He was worried I wouldn't ever be able to get back to normal. Whatever that is. Feeding time & bedtime are still the absolute worst. I miss you Kaz; it hurts so bad :( July 9 & 10 - Daddy was tells me how he believes you were sick before we put you on your BP meds. Looking back he may be right. It doesn't make losing you hurt less, but it's helped me with my guilt. I know you don't want me to be sad because you were always a happy boy. I still miss you baby; I always will. July 13 - today is another "burst into tears" day. I just miss you so much Kaz. I know I sound like a broken record, but you're just gone too soon. July 18 - Well today is my 59th birthday. I really really thought you were going to be here for it. I found your rabies tag today. You won't have to get another one ever. But I'm keeping the tag. I taped it on your footprints. July 19 - bad migraine day. Remember how you and Everkitty always helped me get through them? Bella & TK don't know how to yet. I'm hoping... but it's never going to be the same. Nothing is ever going to be like it ever was. I'm SO sad today. I think it's the migraine. I'm SO sorry baby. I couldn't make you feel better. I miss you so bad. I know I feel sorry for myself but I just don't care. I wish you were here. July 20 - I was doing ok today and the had an anxiety attack. You used to be there for me to cuddle. I just kept getting more upset. Bella let's me hold her but TK hates being picked up or held. I cried and cried. I blame myself for not taking care of you better. I just feel like I failed you. I hope you are making friends. I hope I get to see you again someday. I have to hope there is a heaven. I'm so lost without you. July 22 - Yesterday someone posted that thing that says everyone needs to stay with their pet until the end. Someone else posted they didn't know how someone couldn't. I just couldn't. Now I wish I had. But I don't have a Time Machine to go back and fix things. I just hope you forgive me Kitty. I love you Kitty. I'm sorry. For everything. July 23 - My brain is playing "what if" again today. What if I hadn't taken you to the vet. What if I had given you a few more days. What if I had a Time Machine and could go back. I'm just really sad. I can't quit crying. I miss you SO much Kassie-Kitty. My sack of potatoes... I hope you're waiting for me over the bridge so I can hold you again. I hope your wings fit you well. I hope you're making friends. I hope you're having fun chasing butterflies. I hope you forgive me... I love you and always will. July 25 - so very tired of being sad. So very tired of not having you around. I miss you so bad... July 27 - the what if's and why's have me bawling today. I really want that Time Machine. Daddy told me yesterday he's going to make fun of me every time he's sees me crying about you. He doesn't understand the giant hole in my heart where you lived. You are gone now and I need to get past this and accept it. But I'm not there yet. I keep wondering what I did wrong. I think I know where it all went South. Daddy's trying to convince me you were sick for a long time. I can't see it. All I can see is us getting Bella and her giving you a cold. Then I took you to the vet and it all went to heck from there. Now I'm selfish and just want you back. I keep seeing your face in the negative spaces. I try to get to the good times but keep thinking I failed you and that you are mad at me. Guess that's why I keep asking you to forgive me. I miss you Kashmir Kitty. Please make friends over the rainbow bridge 🌈 and we'll meet again later. Say hi to Everkitty and Pawz for me and let them know I miss them too. July 29 - I had a better day today. I'm sure you would want me to go on with life & try to be happy without you. You need to know you were my world. When I was asked "what makes you happy?" I would answer "my Kashmir kitty!" I still feel so guilty like I didn't do enough and maybe took you into the vet too soon. Maybe I should have tried that "Hail Mary" he said we could try. But why put you through extra suffering. July 30 - this is the first day since you've gone that I haven't cried. I still feel guilty and so sorry I couldn't do better. I miss you so much. Calling you for dinner; carrying my 'sack of potatoes'; calling you Yeti Mouw; my buggy kitty. There will never be another like you or another anyone I loved as much as I love you. My faith has been severely tested. I'm hoping we meet again; I would love that very much. Play with everyone until I get there. Tell all the others who went before you hello for me. August 4 - it's been 2 months now since you crossed that bridge. My heart and soul still have gaping holes. I'm doing everything I can to try to move on. I know I don't have a Time Machine to go back and fix things. I wish I did. There's no way to bring you back so I have to get to acceptance but it's not going so well. I keep crying. I'm going to write up some stories about you and put them here so it may help. August 6 - I just can't accept the fact that you are gone. Feeding time is the absolute worst. I keep looking around the corner to see if you are coming. I want to call "Kassie mir! Mir mir Kassie mir!" And when I tap the fork on the bowl I want to say "it's your favorite sound ever!" But I don't. I cry every day. Daddy asks "what triggered you this time?" I just say because I miss my boy. My white cat. My soul cat. I miss you Kashmir! I love you still and always will. I hope you are making friends. And not to sound like a broken record but say hi to Kissa the Everkitty, Pawz, Bucky, Reggie, Bobby, and Mitzi for us. I love you kitty! August 8 - I feel like someone kicked me in my heart. I'm SO SORRY kitty! I'm so sorry. Please please forgive me. Send me a sign that you forgive me please. My soul can't live without you. You were my soul cat. I miss you baby. I know you can't come back but I feel like I made a huge mistake like I sent you over the bridge too soon. I'm sorry kitty. I don't want to live without you. I just wanna die so I can be with you. Or maybe you can come back in another kitty. Bella misses you too. I got her TK but TK isn't nice. They don't get along like you and she did. How do I live without you??? August 10 - I'm lost without you kitty. I'm trying to be found but no one understands. You were my best friend. You made me so happy. I tried to be a good cat mom for you. I just miss you so much it physically hurts. I want a Time Machine. Daddy says he thinks you were sick for a long time since you slept a lot. I just want somebody to blame. So I blame myself. I love you kitty. August 13 - I think I get a handle on this grief thing and then I just burst into tears. I wish you were here Kashmir kitty. I miss you so very much. I look at your pictures and try to take comfort in the fact that you were a happy kitty. I just wish you were here. I'm so lonely without you. August 14 - and I can't get you out of my head. My whole world sucks. I've sobbed so hard today. I think you heard me and told me it's ok. I'm going to try to move on and make this little TK kitty into a cuddle kitty. There will never be another you but since you can't come back I have to move on. I'm still battling the guilt but I think you have let me off the hook there. I miss you so much kitty. I love you always and forever Kaz! August 15 - Migraine day. Miss you and Kissa so much; the comfort you both gave me when I have a migraine was definitely missing today. Bella has never figured it out and TK is still flighty. I swear she went feral in that shelter. I guess it's a good thing we came along to adopt her because we are good cat parents and can help a skitish kitty. I'm hoping you send good vibes down for her. Also my friend just lost her Boo-boo kitty. Please look out for her. Keep playing with the butterflies until we get there. Love you boy! Mom August 18 - so much for focusing on TK... feeding time is just the worst. Burst into tears again. Can't help it I just miss you so very much. Bella keeps looking for you. I love you Kazzie-Mir. August 19 - my guilt just refuses to be assuaged. I keep thinking there was something else I could have done. I didn't stay with you as you passed. We should have. It's too late to go back and change it. All I can do is apologize again. I'm sorry Kaz. Please forgive me. August 22 - hi Kashmir. I cried for you again today, but I also cried because Bella can't find you and I can't bring you back. She plays with TK and they roughhouse but she misses you almost as much as I do. I joined the Facebook group "Loss of a cat" there are a lot of people there who feel like I do. I found this memorial site from that group. I have a psych appointment Friday. She wanted to check on me because she knows how important you are to me. I love you Kaz. I will talk to you tomorrow. August 27 - I talk to you every day. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear back. I used to talk to you and you'd mew. August 28 - I miss you so much Kashmir. I want a do over. Remember I told you when I was a kid sometimes we'd get a do over? I wish I was a kid and could get a do over. September 4 - I am trying so hard to flip the narrative in my head. My rational mind tries to tell me I can't go back and it's passed and there's nothing I can do about it. My emotional mind keeps trying to figure out where I went wrong. As if I can figure it out and make it right. I know I can't bring you back. I just want you to know I love you and miss you. You're forever my best friend, my soulcat. I love you so much Kassie-mere kitty. I just hope you forgive me for failing you. September 12 - Thank you for dropping me a feather from your new wings. I know it was you because I was crying and talking to you. I know it was you because the feather wasn't there when I sat down. There were no birds and it wasn't windy. It was right there next to my Birkenstocks. I put it in your vase where I have one of your whiskers and some of your fur. I now know you forgive me or you wouldn't have sent me one of your feathers. Thank you thank you thank you! I love you Kassie Kitty! September 17 - I'm still crying at feeding time. Bella is still missing you like crazy. She misses the closeness you two had. I'm still in the "I should've and what if" phase. I'm pretty sure you've forgiven me. I know I can't change things but I sure wish I could get a do over. I love you and miss you Kaz. Take care of Everkitty until we get there. Hugs and skritches! September 27 - I'm trying so very hard to let you go but it's so hard. Everywhere I look I see you. TK is trying so hard to get my affection and attention. She doesn't like to be held and I so liked to cuddle you. Not sure she ever will. My world has a hole. October 14 - it's been almost a month since I wrote to you. In typical Donna fashion I just don't write letters or journal well. I haven't stopped missing you and I really haven't stopped blaming myself. I have to let you go since you are gone and I can't bring you back. I still want that Time Machine to go back and not take you to the vet for your shots. He wouldn't have taken your blood pressure and we wouldn't have had to start terrorizing you to take blood pressure pills. I hope you forgive me. Bella has started to come out of her depression. Daddy has gone into one. He had to take time off from work. It's not because of you I just wanted you to know. I wish you were here to help us both through this. I sure like the feathers you dropped for me. I feel your presence and sometimes I swear I see you out of the corner of my eye. I love you Kashmir; I always will. October 28 - I don't want to let you go; my sister is right I feel sorry for myself. I feel you slipping away. I know you're gone but I don't want you to be. TK is a love but she doesn't like to be held. I'm hoping that changes as she gets older. Maybe you could visit her in spirit and let her know how. Bella is getting better. But sometimes I look at her and just get sad. I love you kitty. November 4 - it's only 2 days until mommy & daddy's anniversary. You were supposed to be here. I keep blaming myself. I know you are gone and I have to accept that. But I'm having a really hard time with it. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad. I cry every day. Especially at feeding time. It will be Christmas soon. I know you so loved the tree. Not sure how Bella & TK will be so using plastic ornaments this year. It won't be as fun without you, but I will try not to cry. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, Kashmir! This starts the holiday season without you and Everkitty. I wish I could just be thankful for what I have and not so focused on what I lost. You were my soulcat and I miss you. I miss you so much. I blame myself. I'm hoping you have forgiven me. I try every day to forgive myself. I know you can't come back and I need to give TK and Bella all the love I have left. Christmas Eve - I'm sorry I haven't dropped by to write on your memorial for a month. I'm still having such a hard time with my grief over losing you. Especially with it being my fault. I didn't listen to you. Daddy says I shouldn't be so hard on myself that I couldn't have known. The vet should have realized but oh well it's too late now. I just wish I could go back and do it all over the way it should have been. Yeah I'm talking in riddles but I know you know. Christmas is tomorrow and you should be here. I love & miss you Kashmir kitty. Well we got through Christmas. For New Years I started reading Surviving Grief 365. There's a page a day; so far I haven't missed a day but we're only at the end of January. Bella got ahold of a pill I dropped and was really sick. Took her to your vet and he gave her some things to make her flush that med. I miss you Kashmir. Daddy got me a Cuddle Clone for Christmas. It looks a lot like you. I cry on it and sleep with it. It's helping. Feb 26 - in two days we leave for Alabama. Nicey's getting married. I know that as we come home I will be missing you. Even though Bella & TK will be here to greet us it won't be you and that makes me sad. I wish I could stop the hindsight beating myself up for not hearing you. I'm sorry my boy. I miss you! 😘 Oh the anger 😠 It's been almost a year since I put my best friend down. People would ask me "what makes you happy?" And my response was always "my best kitty boy, Kashmir." He truly was my best friend. We lost our Everkitty to breast cancer the December before I put Kaz down. We got a new kitty, Bella, that had similar markings to Everkitty. She latched onto Kaz immediately bonded. He on the other hand wasn't thrilled with a kitty. I was pretty hard on her. But she gave Kaz an upper respiratory infection. Antibiotics... Then the vet gave me pills (high blood pressure medication) and it just freaked Kashmir out to get them. Anyway, I misread some things. We thought he had a stroke. But in reality I know in my heart now he would still be here if the vet hadn't said anything"Hail Mary" and my hubby would have let me have the vet give Kaz fluids and let me take him home. But I listened to my husband. He was constantly telling me I was casting my feelings onto the cat. I wish I had listened to Kaz. I keep seeing his face now over and over with the look "listen to me, I'm not sick. I just got dehydrated from the antibiotics." It's ALL my fault! I want a Time Machine to go back and fix it but I can't. My brain is broken; I can not pull myself out of this funk. I just miss my boy. I got this advice today: Firstly, please know that you did what you thought was best for your cat at the time, and that decision was likely made with love and concern for their well-being. It's important to acknowledge that you were trying to act in their best interests, even if hindsight suggests otherwise. It's also essential to recognize that you are not alone in this experience. Many people have made similar decisions, only to later question their choice. It's a painful and isolating feeling, but know that you are part of a larger community that understands your sorrow. Remember the good times with your cat, the joy they brought to your life, and the love you shared. Celebrate their memory and honor their life by cherishing those moments. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these emotions. Allow yourself to grieve, and don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or a professional for support. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to take time to process and heal. Lastly, consider finding ways to memorialize your cat, such as making a donation to an animal welfare organization, planting a tree or flower, or creating a memory box with mementos. These gestures can help you find closure and keep their memory close to your heart. Remember, you are not defined by this decision. You are a compassionate and caring person who loved your cat deeply. Hold onto that love and let it guide you forward. That's very good advice indeed. However, it doesn't kill my guilt or my wanting to go back and do things differently. I'm not quite sure how to let you go. I know I can't get you back; I know I'm the one that made the decision, but I know I made the wrong decision and it's eating me up inside. November 13, 2024
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