I wanted to euthanize her at home in peace and comfort. However the universe had other plans. Instead she died in the living room, on the floor after attempting to move her into a more comfortable position. Lily was in constant and extreme pain...anytime I would pick her up to take her outside she would wince, and sometimes bite me. Even when nobody was touching her she would wince. It breaks my heart, to know how helpless I was unable to do anything to make her better again. In someways I feel like this was all my fault...that somehow I caused this to happen.
I miss her so much, no words in any language on earth could describe the empty void I have in my heart. The regret, remorse, guilt, sadness, hurt, mad, self-lothing, grief are just a few drops in the bucket of all these emotions I am currently experiencing.

Lily was rescued by my mom from Cancun Mexico, Playa del Carmen Quintana Roo. She was born on March 3rd 2006. Since then she's been apart of my family for 9 years. We loved, petted, hugged, kissed, walked drove her around in the car to go cruising, and played games with her everyday. Sometimes she would eat a little too much and become a plump little ball of love. Lily was not just my dog, she was the most loyal friend I ever had. She was like my daughter, my protector, and my own personal little angel. It will be a long, long, long time before I can even begin to heal. Just being able to create this memorial, to be able to type these words as they pour out of me, to be able to walk and talk...are things we all take for granted. I feel guilty just being alive, and she's not. If I could have switched places with her, I would have in a heartbeat. She didn't deserve this awful disease, or the pain and misery that comes with cancer. But now all that is over, and she is finally without pain.

I didn't want her to spend the last few moments of her life, hearing me yelling, "F---! F---!". In the attempt to move her to another position, she had bitten me in the face and hand. I start bleeding a lot, I got angry. I know she only did that because she was in such immense pain, it was simply a reaction from her, like a reflex from humans when we get stunned with sudden sharp pain. As I walked to the bathroom to wash the blood off so I wouldn't get any on her, when I got back 10 seconds later...she had already stopped breathing. Tongue hanging out of her mouth, her body was lifeless. So technically her last few moments were not good ones. I wanted her to be surrounded by everyone who loves her, with her favorite toys, in her little blanket...instead she got the exact opposite. That is something I will regret for the rest of my days on earth. I became selfish, I wasn't ready to let her go. I hate myself for prolonging the inevitable. It will always haunt me the way those last remaining precious moments I had left with her went completely wrong. And for that I am truly sorry, nor will I ever forgive myself for it. Everywhere I go I can still hear her little wince. Every time I close my eyes I still see her sweet little face.

To Lily Rey--I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, for the times I got mad or frustrated with you and went storming out of the room, slamming doors, yelling at the top of my lungs. Knowing I probably scared you and the others. I will never ever do that again, or at the very least try and keep my jets cool. I literally punch myself in the head more than a few times daily now, alone in the room...door closed...crying out loud how sorry I am for any discomfort I may have impended on your innocent life. I no longer consider myself a good person because I sometimes would blow a gasket and spazz out if you decided to roll around in some cat poop. I should had just sucked it up like a man and washed the poop off of you. Instead I'd get apoplectic and indignant, start huffing and puffing and throwing a tantrum like a child. And for that I am also so very truly sorry, Lily. I hope you can please forgive me. I know I am far from perfect, but having a short fuse is something that has always been one of my biggest issues that require tissues. Not just with you, but with a lot of things and people in my confusing overloaded life. None of those day to day problems in my work life, should ever had come across your little ears to witness. But because I mostly work from home, we were always together, you were like my little assistant producer and co-host. And melt-downs do happen from time to time in the studio. But yet, you never left my side, you always stayed right there, loyal and true.

Realizing now how unconditional your love was for me, through really good times and really bad times. You excepted me for who I was, and never once betrayed me. The way I may have betrayed you in some idiot unintentional fashion. The only way stupid insecure humans like myself know how to do. If I could change those times and do right by them I would. Even as I type this, I want to bash my head through this computer for allowing my own emotions to get the best of me. The heartache and pain I feel is unbearable. Please forgive me for making you frightened of me at anytime, even though nothing was never EVER your fault my sweet, Lily. Being a man, being a human, having a loud voice, its cool and all... but it does come with its share of really bad cons...things I didn't even know I are capable of, will suddenly erupt out of nowhere from within my own head, like some primal caveman strand of DNA. The fact we have thumbs, and this thing called 'math', comes with the fact we can build and create really amazing great things. What they don't tell you is how much stress comes with being human, and how it can eat away at ones ability to make sound judgments and good decisions. Its not just the people under the influence of substances making stupid mistakes and bad decisions. Its the everyday people who work hard, and hardly sleep, that fall flat on there face sometimes. The good guys, that occasionally commit a foul, that they didn't mean to do...but for a split second showed the fact, they are always and forever will be... only human. And ALL humans make mistakes...thats the one thing we are all incredibly good at. Bound by social stupidity, pride, and ego. Things that dogs and animals like you, Lily, are free and innocent of. I know I could be difficult to live with sometimes. I truly despise myself for that.

I can still hear your cry in that last few seconds we were together... saying, "Please don't be mad at me dad, please!" Knowing you were in extreme pain, suffering from stage 4. Knowing you had only little time left, and still I squandered it all...everything I had worked towards, to make your passing as painless and peaceful as possible, all went out the window...the moment I got upset after you had bitten me. I'm so sorry Lily, SO SORRY, I failed. I failed you my little love. I feel like the worst human being for all of it, Lily. I would do ANYTHING to go back and redo it the right way. So you remembered me in the good way, the way I so very much loved and adored you. I shall never fail another animal for as long as I walk this earth. I never ever want to heal from this pain, I deserve to be reminded how much I miss you and how much pain I am in for the rest of my life. I don't want another dog, or any animal. I don't want to ever bond with another dog from this day forward. I vow to never adopt another pet either. I don't ever want to betray you by trying to replace you. I know I won't survive another loss. Even now with you not being here, and having the freedom to go do anything, go anywhere... is something that truly concerns me. I feel like if I have a chance to OD on something, I might just do it. And it scares me, like I don't want to ever smile or be happy again. The second I laugh, or smile at something funny on TV...I instantly feel a massive wave of guilt come over me.

I wish I didn't have a voice anymore, to yell and scream with whenever I get bent out of shape. Everyday that goes by will be one more day I don't have you with me. Thee absolutely ONLY thing I ever want...is to hold you again close to my chest, to hear your heart beating next to mine....to hear your little snoring as we drift off together. To be able to hear your little paws tipper taps on the wood floors as you would scamper thru the house barking at the birds and squirrels in the back yard. To tell you how so very much I love and adore you. Lily, I miss that so very much. Its killing me inside and literally ripping my soul apart. I will always love you, Lily. You may be gone, but you will NEVER EVER be forgotten. That I am certain of. Goodbye my sweet little, Lily Rey.

12-14-15 Dear Lily Rey, well I've literally used up all my characters to type to you with. So now I've started fresh once more. I know its been since October since my last post to you. I didn't exactly know how to go about getting more characters without losing what I've already written to you. So I saved everything I wrote to you in the "Poems & Stories" area. Today marks the 5 long months you've crossed over the rainbow bridge. I spent the day working throughout the early hours of the morning, and then spending a moment in the living room where you passed from this world. Its been very lonely without you here, Lily. I cry for you almost everyday sometimes more than a few times. I actually have gotten used to the bereft feeling, the tears, the emptiness. The sadness is always there for me, like a friend waiting to hang out. Not like you though, not at all. You made me happy, you made me want to get up early and take you out for a nice stroll. Now I only go out if I must. I still care for Max and Mooch, they see me crying for you a lot, they've probably have gotten used to it themselves by now too. I feel bad for skipping on posting last month on your anniversary in November. It had just gotten so full I had to contact the lady that runs the site to help me save my thoughts and memories I had written you. With her help I finally had figured it out. So now I will be posting more now that I have a system in place. I appreciate having you in my life Lily. I still keep your little bed next to me when I go to bed. Its all fresh and clean, and it reminds me of you every night and every morning. I hope to see you again someday, I pray for it everyday. Good night Lily....sweet dreams. The tattoo of you has healed very nicely and keeps you by my side where ever I may travel. You are always with me. I love you lots and lots...always!

(Also I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me and sent their condolences and prayers for Lily Rey. I plan on writing each of you back over the Holidays when I am not steady working all the time. Thanks for your positive and loving vibes. I appreciate you all very much, and so would Lily.)

12-25-15 6:13PM To my Lily Rey, well today is Christmas day...first Christmas I am spending alone without you by my side in 9 years. It is surreal to say the least. At the moment I am at a loss for words. Since you've been gone I have yet to have a single conversation with Mom. So technically not only is this the first Christmas I am spending alone without you, but it is truly the first Christmas I am spending not even being able to speak to Mom or any of my relatives for that matter. Completely and utterly alone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, Lily. Wishing you were still here, healthy and happy. My heart still feels hollow, and each day that passes makes me hope more and more that I will get to see you again one day. My world isn't the same anymore without you in it. I'm not sure what else to say exactly, only that I miss you so much. I will never stop loving you, or thinking of you on a daily basis. You were the best friend/dog any human could ever wish for, and I thank you for bringing all the love and joy into our lives in the 9 years we were able to spend with you. I love you, Lily...always. Merry Christmas my little Lily. Thinking of you always, and wishing you were here. Good night my little angel.

01-14-16 3:24AM To my little Lily Rey. Today marks 6 months you've been gone from my arms, that fateful day when you passed in my arms when the time we shared together came to a sudden end. And not at all the way I wanted it to go at all. That day still haunts me, and even tho it is thee most painful experience I've had to endure, I never want to forget you or that day. As painful as it is to relive it over and over in my head it serves as a reminder that you were real. You were my friend, my daughter, my protector and my little angel wrapped in a soft furry coat. Without a doubt the most human I've ever seen in a dog was you. Human Eyes is what some would call you. I miss those eyes looking to me for a hug, or to go outside, or to just listen to me rant on and on about whatever was frustrating me. You were always there for me Lily, and I thank you so dearly for that. Never judgement, never betrayal, never the bad, and always the greatest good is what you gave me for those 9 precious years. You were the closest I've ever came to experiencing actual unconditional God love. I could go on and on and on till I cry myself to sleep, but you know how much I adored and loved you. Even when I'd get frustrated, I never stopped loving you. It was an honor to had been your human, and you my BEST friend. I love you Lily Rey, and I am honoring you on this day your 6 month anniversary crossing over the rainbow bridge.

03-03-16 11:55PM I know its been a while since my last post to you, Lily. I'm sorry about that. Not a day goes by I don't think of you. But I couldn't miss your special day today. These song lyrics are dedicated to my little baby bday girl of days gone by. Happy 10th birthday, My Lil' Lily Rey, I love you... I miss you so so so very much. Happy Birthday my little angel....

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
There's a land that I've heard of,
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Someday I wish upon a star, (someday I wish upon a star)
Where the clouds are far far far behind me
(And wake up where the clouds are far behind me)
Where.
All my troubles melt like lemon drops.
Way above the chimney tops, (way above the chimney tops)
That is where you will find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly.
If birds can fly over over the rainbow,
Then why, then why can't I
(Bids fly high, why can't I)
Ohh wahy ohhh why ohhh why ohhh
(If birds fly high, why can't I)
If every little bluebirds fly (if every bird fly)
Over the rainbow,
Somebody tell me why, somebody tell me
(If bids fly high, why can't I)
Why can't I." ♥

(Lily Rey March 3, 2006-July 14, 2015)

03-14-16 3:37AM I'm a 5 days late posting this to the rainbow bridge Lily Memorial page, so I pre-date marked this post the 14th. Its actually the 19th.

"Before this day is done, I'd like to acknowledge the 8th month anniversary of my beloved, Little Lily Rey crossing over the rainbow bridge. Even though you are gone physically, you will NEVER be forgotten spiritually...ever."

I celebrate everyday thinking about you my little Lily. Its also been very difficult as of late for me. Still coping with your death is something that continues to haunt me everyday. I find it hard not to cry at every little thought of you. My heart sends messages to my brain while I dream and you are in the dreams in someway or another. Thats how much I love you Lily. I've talked to Mom about you recently, and cried my eyes out over the phone to her telling her how sorry I am for your departure not being sooner and more peaceful the way you deserved to go. But because I was too afraid to put you too sleep, and I just couldn't let you go. Not that way...but the cancer was even worse....I feel so ashamed and guilty I didn't have the courage to do what was needed to be done. I am sorry Lily I am so sorry. My heart still dies every time I relive that awful day losing you.

Another thing happened I found out recently. My roommate Erik...ya know Jerry's oldest son...well our mutual friend Bryan that was also friends with Jerry...and was around when you were healthy and when you were not. In any case...the day you crossed the over the rainbow bridge was July 14th 2015 at 7AM in the morning PT. That same morning, Captain the cat was born....Captain was eventually given to Erik by Bryan...and Captain now lives here with Erik, myself, and Mooch and Max. Whats even more amazing, is that when Captain came to live here...he was just over 5 or six months old...just about the same time you came to live with me and Mom back in 2006. And to make it even more amazing, is that Captain the cat had absolutely no problem fitting right in with Mooch and Max. Like he had been here before or something, or views himself to also be a dog. Captain even sleeps with the dogs on the couch, right smack dab in the middle.

I like to think that what a miracle it would be if Captain is somehow a reincarnation of you Lily. Which is why Captain seems to fit right in with the dogs, and the house....like its really you. Oh how much of blessing that would be. Even if its not you, it still feels like you are somehow connected to Captain. Like its your energy and spirit in a whole new form. I love to dream of seeing you again, Lily. I miss you so much. I hope Captain can tell you that when he dreams. You left me July 14th 2015, but the rainbow bridge sent us back an awesome cat version of you....and he's the Captain...Captain Lily.

04-19-16 4:53AM To my Lil Lily Rey, It's already been 9 long months since you crossed over the rainbow bridge...and yet I cry for you like the day I lost you. After long loyal and beautiful years of raising you, it feels like losing a family member. To me you were NEVER 'just a dog'...you were my, Lily Rey! I posted 9 pictures of you to my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram... to honor your 9 months crossing over the rainbow bridge. RIP Lil Lily. I miss you so my little angel.

5-29-16 2:18AM To my little Lily, another month has come and gone without you by my side. 10 months, soon it will be a full year. The guilt, the shame, the grief I still feel seems to be on a constant loop replaying just about every second that passes. Sometimes it seems to be less painful than other days, or I'm just getting used to the pain of missing you. I've come to accept your passing...but that doesn't mean that I don't think of you less...I still think and miss you literally, ALL the time. I had a chance to see Renee again, you always loved when she came over to visit. She was the one person you never barked at when you first met her. She just lost a special fur-baby too. His name is Gizmo, he was very special to Renee and her family, so hopefully you see him on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. Please let him know his family also misses him very much, the same way I miss you. I promise to write to you again on your 11 month coming on the 14th of June. Right now its Memorial Day weekend, I remember last Memorial Day you were still here with me. I remember it like it was a day ago seeing you lounging in the back yard, barking at Max and Mooch as they chased the ball around you. I like to imagine thats how you are now over the Rainbow Bridge. Where its warm and sunny, and there all the other fur-babies running around and playing with you. Till that one day we can be reunited. I would travel light years to be able to just see you again. One day, I will, I promise. Goodnight my baby Lily. I love you, always.

6-27-16 1:21AM To my little Lily Rey--we are now at 11 months since your passing over the Rainbow Bridge. It still sucks. I post something special of you every month and will continue to do so. Even though it still hurts as much as the day I lost you. I still feel obligated to write and post to you as much as I can, it is the promise I made when your little heart stop beating. Lately another passing has happened unfortunately, I'm sure you remember Brad next door. You used to go over and poop and roll around with Max and Mooch in his backyard. Well he passed away a couple of weeks ago, and now Wendy is all by herself. My heart goes out to her and Brad, hopefully if you see him around up there, please give him some company....I'm sure you'll find him with his BFF, Jerry. Give them lots of love for me please.I love you Lily, and will always love you. Its almost your one year anniversary and I wanna do something special, I'm not sure what it is yet but its gonna be pretty something! Good night my little, Lily Rey...lots of loving for Lillllllllllyyy!!!

07-14-16 7:32AM PT Celebrating the 1st year anniversary of the life of, Lily Rey. Exactly one year ago today at precisely 7AM PT Lily took her last breath before passing onto the Rainbow Bridge. Lily was so much than just a 'dog'. She represented so much more. Lily was the last dog my mom and I raised before she moved up north to, Reno NV. Lily lived with my Uncle Jerry and I before he passed in 2014. She represented family bonds, unconditional God love, absolute, pure, and perpetual. Lily was a part of my life everyday for almost 10 years. Losing her was like losing part of my family, a part of myself. Even though my heart still weighs heavy, I continue to carry on. Lily was a happy loving fur-baby, and for her I too will try to be happy. Here's to the loving life of my little, Lily Rey. May she rest in peace. March 3 2006 - July 14 2015. ♥️🐶👼🏼🌈

08-15-16 10:35PM PT Another month, another tear. I dreamed of you the other night, Lily. It was so real...I dreamed I was here looking out the window in the front towards the street...and there was no screen on the window so I was able to pop my head outside the window. I could see you running around with other dogs, as I called out to you, "Lily!"...you were a few houses down from ours. Then you came running over to me, and you were happy, healthy, youthful. It was like I was able to see you beyond the Rainbow Bridge. A few more times you ran off chasing the other dogs, and them chasing you. Like kids playing in the playground. Again I called to you, "Lilllyyyy"....and you once again you stopped looked to me and again came running to me...it felt so real. When I awoke, I began to cry knowing it wasn't real anymore in this world. I spent most of the day that day crying till I couldn't anymore. I exhausted myself, then I just laid down and drifted off to sleep. When I awoke again I didn't recall any dreams at all or perhaps I just couldn't remember them. But the dream about you running with the other dogs, I will never forget. I hope that it was really you visiting me from the next place beyond the Rainbow Bridge. I pray to God I can see you again when my time comes to leave this earth. I love you little Lily! Run and play with the other dogs and fur-babies now! "Daaaats riiiiiight!" Happy 1 year 1 month anniversary to you my little babes.

09-20-16 7:40PM PT Another month has breezed by, but not without its heavy storm of loss and guilt. Brought on in a never ending wave after wave fashion. I cry, I sleep, I cry some more, I sleep some more. I talk to my mom about it, she says, "Get another dog"...I say never. I feel like I deserve this heartache...like its my price to pay for not being a better dog owner. I feel even as I type now, the only one listening is, Lily...and God if he's out there. Feels like floating around in space, except weighed down by my own guilt, and shame. I don't know...I feel hollow inside. Even though I am in this human form, I feel like scum of the earth most days. Even being able to posses this power of thought and stream of consciences....being able to type out what ever emotion comes to mind, I still feel like scum. And it doesn't seem to vacate my mind. Anyways thats how I feel...I hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my life, but it is most certainly the way I feel at this very moment. I miss you, and I love you, Lily. The End.

10-16-16 1:12PM PT Lily since stage 4 caner took from me last year exactly 1 yer and 3 months to date....I have to be honest its like I'm dying too each time I relive our last few days together. I spent this past Friday and Saturday the 14th and 15th sitting in silence, remembering how much I missed you how much I loved you, and how much unconditional love you gave back to me and my mom for almost 10 years. I tried to talk to mom about you this past Friday night. She listened for a little bit, but then started to get angry with me that I keep beating myself up over your passing. Its like I can't help it, I feel so much remorse and guilt for not putting you to sleep instead of letting you suffer....but I just couldn't let you go. I was being selfish, instead of letting you go the right way...with no pain, no suffering...I let the cancer steal your life away from me. And that I can never forgive myself for. Even if God, even if you forgive me, and I pray you do....I simply cannot do the same. I'm so sorry, Lily. For the way I got frustrated at times because of my own tenseness, I'm sorry I wasn't stronger for the both of us. I'm sorry I'm not stronger now. I don't know if I'll ever recover from losing you, but I have to keep working at the very least in order to pay my rent and bills...but even being able to work makes me feel guilty that I have to ability, where as dogs are so defenseless, and require someone to love them and give food/water, attention, walks...etc. I always loved taking care of you, even when I was so tired from working, I never stopped loving you, ever. I will never stop loving you, even after death. I still pray that God will allow me to see again, even if its in my dreams for just a second, those dreams always mean so much to me even when I wake up in tears. I have to get back to work now. I love you Lily, I miss you so so sooooo much.

11-22-16 7:22PM PT Its me again Lil's. Its now November and Thanksgiving is this Thursday. When I think of turkey, I always think of you and how much you loved some good turkey. I still remember the weeks before you passed how you were still able to to eat turkey. You ate all the way up till the morning you passed away...another reason I just couldn't put you to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to rush your little life, but I didn't want to keep you suffering either. I still regret not giving you the proper out you deserved. I pray to God, to ask you to forgive me for not being a better human guardian to you. I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes that ultimately you had to pay for it feels like. I have guilt that hangs over my heart. I know you wouldn't want me to be unhappy, but I just can't help but to feel empty not having you here with me anymore. I still keep your little bed next to me on my bed. With your little blankets folded inside. It makes me feel closer to you. I have your Lily shrine on my studio console and your urn next to my bed with the 3D light image of you too. Your DNA necklace is ALWAYS with me...I've literally got all my memorial bases covered. I promised I would never forget you, and I meant it. This Thanksgiving I'm giving thanks and saying how thankful I am to have had you in my life, Lily. Although I won't be having a family turkey at the table this year, you will always be the family I will honor that day. I love you and miss you little, Lily's.

01-14-17 2:17AM PT My little Lilysss--its me writing you for the first time in the new year, 2017. I didn't write last month, to be honest I'm not exactly sure why I didn't write to you. Its not that I don't literally think of you everyday still. But I will say that the pain I felt isn't as heavy as it was for the first 2 years. I still can't believe its been that long already. I still remember you like it was yesterday, sitting here with me. None the less I still do miss you very much Lily. I prayed that I would hopefully feel in better spirits despite the fact I no longer have you by my side in this world. And I've been trying to get my act together to focus more on my obligations. I was very close to almost adopting an actual cat by the name of, Cheddar. Till this day I'm positive she was girl...but my friend tells me otherwise. Anyways it never happened. For one I wasn't to keen on it being here with the Max and Mooch. And two my roommate Erik has already misplaced 2 cats he tried to adopt. So bringing another cat wasn't at the top of my list. Cheddar ended up getting another home to be loved in with a white lady...which is even better. Chicks are just better with cats for some reason. There's a new movie coming out soon about dogs, its called "A Dogs Purpose". I'll tell ya Lils the second I saw the billboard for it I instantly starting crying, thinking of you. It looks like a good kids flick, I'm not sure I can handle it myself...but I'll eventually see it. I know I have to at some point. A lots happened, but at the moment I can't really remember any of it. I'm still working my fingers to the nub, I still owe money to the IRS....I still have moments of great sadness about you. But for the most part I'm happy to be able to write to you in your special place I created just for you. I still dream of you and when I do I always remember it. Today is the 14th and its your 1 year and 6 month anniversary crossing the rainbow bridge. I love you so much Lily, I'll write to you again soon, God bless your little soul baby's. Good night Lily. Lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

04-15-17 2:50AM PT Lily Lily Lily--Its been a few months since I've written to you. I've tried to give it time. I've tried to try to let go. I've dreamed of you a lot recently. A lot has happened since my last post. Too much to write about. But all I know at this very moment, is that I miss you....still. I don't want to ever stop missing you. I don't want to ever forget. I still keep your little urn next to my bed. I still face you out the window during the day, and face you in at night. Your 1 year 9 month anniversary just passed. And yet it still feels like it was just yesterday I was holding you in my arms. I miss you Lily...thats I all I got left. The memory of you still lives on in me, in heart and in my mind. I still think of you all the time. I still talk about you all the time. So I know you are still with me. The bond I shared with you apart from any other dog I've ever known will never be broken. Even after death. I love you Lily. Max and Mooch are still here keeping me company. They miss you too. Till I see you again in my dreams little Lily. Good night. Lots of lovin' for little Lilyyyyyyys.

5-21-17 11:14AM PT I dreamed of you again last night, Lily. We were at the old house when we lived with Mom. I let you out of the bedroom and you came running down the hall into the front bathroom. You were running so fast in the dream you ran into the shower and bumped your little head. Then I came in and picked you up and we went into the back yard to play ball. It seemed so real, then I threw the ball out and you ran after it. There was a stranger in my dream that was trying to tell me to get dog lessons and kept talking to me...but I remember all I wanted was to get back to you and spending time with you. Then I saw you with the ball in your mouth and you were looking at a little spider on the backyard wall. I remember in the dream telling you what the spider was, and it was so adorable how you were trying to sniff the spider with your nose. Then after that I remember just feeling guilty that I wasn't spending enough time with you in the dream. I woke up and began to cry and how much I know I still miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. i cried so much this morning and needed to smoke a cigarette to try and calm down. But I just keep right on crying. I can't help it Lily...you are always on my mind. Its been 1 year and 10 months since you crossed the Rainbow Bridge. But I still feel you with me every moment of every day. Mothers day was also on the same day as your anniversary this month. And of course Mom and I talked about you and how much she also misses you. I'm supposed to go up to Reno where my Mom lives with her new dog, Lulu. It will be nice to see Mom again after all this time, and I know we'll talk about you and much we love you still no matter what. Well I have to go walk the Max and Mooch now. Just know I'm always thinking of you Lily....always. I love you.

06-14-17 6:43PM PT Only 1 more month till your 2 year anniversary Lily. Still seems like you were just here yesterday. Every time I think of you I cry. I every time I remember you towards the end, I feel guilty. Every time I dream of you I wake up in tears. But yet I'd rather have the pain of your loss with me everyday, rather than having no feeling at all. The pain reminds that the past is real. That it meant something to me, that you meant something to me. That the love I had for you then is still alive in my heart at this very second. Life for me here isn't that great to be honest. Mom is still drinking too much for her age. I worry about her every minute, the same I think of you behind every thought I have. My life just doesn't have much meaning anymore, other than brief commercial breaks of happiness...followed by vicious cycles of depression, misery, hunger, no money, etc. Then I cry some more. Not having any direction seems to my motto these days. I still haven't gotten another dog, nor will I. I just don't have it in me anymore to suffer another loss. I've lost so much already, I literally have nothing left to lose. And I guess thats what scares me the most....I simply don't care for life and all its cruelty it plays out me everyday and night. Forget happiness, I'm not even content anymore. I used to be content with what life dealt me. But now I'm convinced the universe simply just doesn't like me very much. Yet be as it may, I try everyday to make the most of what this life has to offer....which isn't much at all. I'm fortunate to have the skills I do, and the things I own, and the home I rent. But if one can't truly feel secure in the work he's put it all these and still have nothing to show for it.....then seriously what is the point? All I know is I wish you were still here with me, at least then I knew you loved me. That you were always there, without judgment, without betrayal, without any of the human bullshit and all the drama that comes with being of this species. I hate what life has shitted on me, but feel compelled to hold my nose and wade through it. Ending mindless rant here. I love you Lily, thanks for always listening.

7-16-2017 4:27PM PT Well it finally arrived and then it was gone. Your 2 year anniversary crossing over the Rainbow Bridge on 7-14-15. It felt not as heavy on my heart this year. However that doesn't mean I'm starting to forget. Not in anyway at all in fact. I talked about you all day that day to everyone. I posted memories of you on my social media pages. I called mom and we talked about you. Now mom is or was in the hospital recently, and needed some medical attention because she was feeling sicker than usual. Turns out she's okay and was just in need of vitamins. Not to mention she drinks too much. Anyhow I also renewed your page on Rainbow Bridge this year again. To remind myself how much I loved you and still love you little Lily. The pain and sadness are still very much in my mind and heart however I've learned how to deal with them as they present themselves. I still miss you everyday. I still think of you all the time. And I still pray I will get to see again one day. Till my next post little Lily I'll always be with you, and you with me. xoxoxo

8-18-2017 8:44PM PT I dreamed of you two nights in a row Lily. I saw you try to chase a red baby snake and I told you to stop! And you did...then I swooped you up into my arms and held you so very close to me. I could tell you were happy. The next night I dreamed of you again, but this time you changed into Mooch somehow....it was like you were trying to tell me a message. To take close care of Mooch more or something. I could see he was scared in his eyes when I got to him in my dream. Or maybe he was lonely...I'm still not sure. But I woke up and took both Max and Mooch out for a morning walk. I cried when I woke up and reflected on the dreams of you. I still miss you so much it hurts every time I reflect on that day I lost you. And how I wish I could had done things much differently. I know you deserved better than what you got that day. I'm always going to regret that part of our last time together. But do know I miss you and I am sorry for not taking better care of you in the end. I love you so much Lily. Good night. I hope you are happy and loved where you are now. Even though I still like you are always with me....and mom...she misses you too. She's just not doing so well anymore these days. I'll tell you more next time.

11-16-17 7:23AM PT A lot has happened since I last wrote to you Lily. Mom passes away 2 months ago on September 9th 2017. Which is why I haven't posted anything since the last time until now. Also I moved out of Jerry's house last week. I got into my very last fight with Erik right after returning from Reno while visiting Mom during her last days. Now I'm in a nice little apartment not too far from Jerry's house. I still walk Max n Mooch since Rob doesn't actually live there most nights. He asked me to still come around and take care of the dogs from time to time. I dreamt of you again last night. I was trying to find you and everyone kept ignoring my cries for help to find you. Every time I got closer to you something would always seem to get in my way. I even saw you barking from 2 stories up in a building. When I woke up I knew your ashes were still with me, and even though you aren't alive, knowing your ashes were right here next to me I felt comforted. I love you Lily. If you see Mom please give her lots and lots and lots of loving for me yeah? I miss you and Mom so very much! Until next time. I love you both so so much.

12-14-17 6:03PM PT Its your 2 months 5 years Lily. I still have dreams of you, and now I dream of Mom now and then. I recently dreamed of Nana. It was a such a powerful realistic dream. I saw her and ran to her, she suddenly picked me up over the table. I realized then I was a little boy again. I began to cry and tell my Nana how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I'm sure she came to reassure me that Mom was okay. Because thats what it felt like she was trying to tell me. Moms memorial had to be canceled unfortunately. And days prior to that was Moms 71st birthday Dec 07 2017. I was in Santa Monica today and I stopped by the St. Monica's church I went to as a little kid. It had been decades since I was in that church. I felt cleansed after crying my eyes out I had to leave I was sniffling too much and making a lot of noise. I didn't want to disturb the other few people in there praying to God. It was a surreal experience that was quite moving to me. I would like to go back again soon. I love you too, Lily and I hope you'll give Mom lots of and lots of lovin' for me. Okay good night.

03-03-2018 2:22PM PT. Happy birthday my little Lily! Today you are 12 years old. And my mind and heart still miss you just as much as the day you left this world. A lot has happened since my last post to you. However I still think of you everyday, and I still dream of you. Now that Mom is also no longer of this world, I also dream of her. I can still communicate to you via my dreams. I dreamt of you just the other night, we were back at the old house in the backyard and I saw you. I picked you up like a little baby, and you gave me lots of love. I remember telling you I loved you, and I know Mom was there too. I woke up and began to cry. I dream of Mom too, we were standing in the living room and you with Mom, then you ran over to me and jumped up so happy to see me. You and Mom look so happy and healthy and young. Just how I love to remember you both. Give Mom lots of loving for me, and tell her I love her and I miss her too. I'm surviving everyday just like she taught me too. And for that I am forever grateful. Till I see you both in my dreams again, I love you Lily...I love you Mom. Happy birthday, Lily. xoxoxoxo 8

07-25-18 5:00AM PT My Lily Rey, your 3 year anniversary was this month of July on the 14th at 7AM. Seems like only yesterday you we were going on walks and chasing the squirrels. I played your tribute I made for you shortly after you passed that morning in my arms. It made me relive all the wonderful memories we shared with you and with Mom. I picture you with Mom now. Healthy and young again, the way I like to remember you both. So much as happened since you left this world. But I promised I wouldn't ever forget about you. And I haven't. I won't. I think of you everyday Lily. I think of Mom everyday too. I miss you both. I love you both. I hope you visit me in my dreams again with Mom. Until the next dream my little Lily. Good morning, and good night. Xoxoxo

08-20-18 5:09PM PT Littttttle Lilyyyyy's...I had another lucid dream about you this week. You were you...but you were also a different dog too. But I knew you were still Lily. And Mom was there too. In the dream I could hear Mom actually talking this time. Most dreams she doesn't talk, only shows me emotional facial responses.
I would be remiss if I didn't say I miss you. But that's like all the time. Anyway I'm still here....surviving. I dunno how I'm doing it to be honest. But I'm just barely scraping by. It feels like someone is helping me. I like to think its Mom. I love you both very much. Always.

9-30-18 8:55AM PT Good morning Lil Lily's-- I just woke up from another very vivid dream of you. We were at Moms old house where she and I raised you when you were just a baby. In the dream I remember you being there with Max and Mooch too. I remember trying to find you through out the dream. In some parts you in the backyard with other little fur babies running around playing and having fun. I would call out to you and you would come running over to me. I'd give you lots of kisses and hug you so close. In other parts of the dream I remember a bunch of people came over to the house and Mom was one of them. She leaned over and greeted you at the front door as she walked in. It was very obvious Mom and you were happy to be there together. I remember feeling so happy to see you and Mom. But more so I was very concerned that I kept a close eye on you to make sure you were safe and had food and water. Just like I used to do after you came to live with me and Jerry. I still regret not being a better guardian to you towards the end after you got sick. I'm sorry I wasn't able to put you down like I should have. I wasn't strong enough, and I was too selfish not wanting to lose you. But I know that I was wrong for keeping you alive and in so much pain. After you died I was so depressed. I still am. 3 years later. I haven't gotten another dog since then. Despite what everybody tells me. I just can't do that to you. To try and replace this void in my heart would be like trying to replace Mom too. Its just not possible. At least not for me. I love you SOOOO much Lily. I miss you SOOO much. That will NEVER change. I'll always regret losing you to cancer. Always regret not being strong enough to put you down the right way like I should have done. Because that's what you deserved. To be surrounded by your babies, and your blanket, and me. Please I hope you can forgive me. I love you. P.S. Rico just crossed over the Rainbow Bridge too. He's Rex and Reina's dog. He's gonna need some love and friendship on the other side.

11-8-18 3:40AM PT I heard a song a while ago that I really liked. Its been out for while now. But it wasn't till tonight I saw the video for the song on YouTube. The video completely reminded me of you Lily. And it reminded me of Mom too. It was such a sweet a loving video of how dogs want us to be happier. It made me cry remembering how sweet and kind you always were to me and Mom. So now every time I hear that song I will always think of you. I miss you as always Lily more today than yesterday. Give Mom a big loving kiss for me. Hope to see you in my dreams again soon, and Mom too. Love you. Good night.

07-14-20 9:01PM PT Today marks 5 whole years since you crossed over the Rainbow Bridge. Yet it feels like only yesterday you were running around and barking up a storm. I still miss you so much. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and kisses. I love you, Little Lily.

7-14-22 2:57PM PT. 7 years today. Still miss you all the same. Love you, Lily.

7-14-23 9:43AM PT. 8 years today. I've gotten used to the void. Can't say it hurts as bad as it did. But it DOES hurt no less. I think of you everyday. You're with me everyday, in my heart, and in my thoughts. I love you always, Lily.

07.14.24 2:26AM PT 9 years today. I haven't gotten another dog since you. I've seen neighbors and friends dogs here and there and on social. I envy the love others get to share with their dogs like I used to with you. Missing you comes in waves from time to time. I reflect on the mistakes I made towards the end of your life. Had I known what I know now, I would've done things differently. I hope to see you and mom in my dreams again. I love you both and miss you both everyday.