I can't get into detail how I lost my baby. I'm a total wreck it's still fresh. My grief this time is deep compared to the other Shih Tzu's we've lost. Duchess, Melody and Belle all had acute and chronic illnesses.

I lost Mia one week tomorrow, May 29th one day after my birthday 😭💔 Her loss was sudden and tragic😭😭😭 I can't stop blaming myself.. it was my fault! Her only illness is anxiety.. she was in good health overall. I could've prevented it. There's just countless if's and I could've and question WHY WHY WHY has God taken my baby, had to die tragically suddenly 💔💔💔🐶 I sleep with her urn. Her birthday is in few weeks. I have not been able to eat just no appetite and cry myself to sleep, and wake up screaming calling her name out loud😭

Mia was my shadow, always with me, sleeping on my bed and enjoyed car rides, every drive through errands.. to pick up my rx's at the drug store, or the bank or even the car wash, cleaners or just a quick walk to the mail box. She loved the Centennial Beach park. If I could only take her everywhere.. at the vet or groomer even if it's not her appointment, just to tag along with Mindy and Millie. She's mostly the one to come with me to go to mom's house, she knew grandma, or my daughter's house.

I now have tears when in the car, she's everywhere in the house. We never went straight home just so her ride was longer 😢She's too popular in the neighborhood they just know Mia 😭😭😭 I'm still in denial. I call her name and talk to her everyday since this happened. Her vet highly recommended that I join a pet loss support group that it wasn't my fault I was her best mama. Dr Benson took care of Melody, Belle both now in heaven, and Mia, Mindy and Millie. He was shocked when I adopted Mia 3 months after losing Melody as I was terribly heartbroken. Mia filled that void in my heart. She kept Belle company, though just 6 short months. She died 3 days after Christmas, 2019.. just few months apart from her sister Melody, of acute kidney failure nearly making it to her 14th birthday. Then Mia got depressed so I adopted Mindy in just over a month of losing Belle. My babies illnesses prepared me emotionally for their deaths. Not this time😭💔

My little Mia didn't have to leave me suddenly and tragically 😭😭😭 We were going to celebrate her birthday soon. I'm grieving badly. Will I ever stop blaming myself for what had happened? I know it's not fair to my other two now, Mindy and Millie. They know and feel my sadness. They both have exhibited Mia's traits and behavior. I know I'll reunite with my loss babies when my time comes. I'm terribly hurting💔💔

06.12.24

It's only been two weeks since my precious little girl Mia suddenly crossed over 🌈🐾💔😭. This momma is still very much in pain. I'm taking this one day at a time. As much as I keep myself occupied and distracted.. my tears flow down my cheeks and face out of nowhere. If I could only taken her everywhere I went. She was unbelievably glued to my body. She was with me in every errand I made, and quickly showed her sad face when I left to go to church or mommy's store, not Mia's store and worst when I went to my volunteer work at the homeless shelter which was only one and a half day a week. If I could only turn the clock back. My worst part of day is in the evening when at bed time she'd squeeze her little body making sure she's right next to mine. I still cry myself to sleep with her urn next to me. I hate going upstairs and feel the coldness in my feet and my heart wanting to collapse because of that corner in the hallway where my precious little Mia took her last breath. She was robbed of her beautiful life that seems to have just started😭 She was my first rescue. She was only one year old when she was surrendered at the shelter. Other than her anxiety, my Mia was healthy. Her 6th birthday, her gotcha day is in two weeks💔 We would have her cake and sit in the patio with Mindy and Millie, my two other rescues. Mia was too special, too smart too sociable. I missed our walks in the culdesac. Acceptances of my baby's loss is in slow motion. It will take time only God knows 😭

06.19.24

Exactly 3 weeks today, I frantically arrived home from my volunteer work screaming for your name when you were not at your usual spot above the recliner overlooking our culdesac waiting for mommy's car to pull up at our driveway. You were always the first to greet me at the door. Millie and Mindy who normally doesn't barked were wildly barking wanted to tell me something.. if they could only speak😢 There has not been a day that I didn't cry, hugging your urn, and calling your name out loud. My evenings are the worst. I'm still hoping that you could sleep with mommy at night, right next to me. I'm still in a lot of pain and not able to accept reality especially with your birthday coming up next week 💔😭 it's not fair! Until we see each other again, my precious little girl Mia. Mommy misses you way too much.
🌈🐾🐶💔😭

06.26.24

It's 4 weeks today when I arrived home from my volunteer work and did not find you sitting on top of your favorite recliner overlooking our driveway, where you always sat while waiting for momma.

May 29th, 2024 (one day after my birthday) was the longest and saddest day, my lowest point. I was lost in deep grief and indescribable emotions. Even now my tears still flow out of nowhere. Your beautiful oak urn is now home, baby. I feel your spirit everywhere in the house, in my car, in the front porch where we'd watched and listen to the chirping of birds, and patio where we'd usually just sit and relaxed when the weather was nice still watching the birds in the feeder. The cardinals are here everyday trying to comfort me. I know it's you, you visited momma.

The pain of losing you doesn't seem to subside. I'm in no rush grieving quietly at my own pace.

Your birthday is this weekend. We should be shopping for your cake at Two Bostons, your favorite store where everyone knows Mia. I haven't been back there. I still get Mindy and Millie's food there but at a different location. That store is yours alone, my Mimi. I've avoided drive throughs .. it's not the same without you in the car🥲 I'm seeing my grief counselor on July 1st as your Vet and my Dr highly recommended. I'm terribly missing you my baby, still hurts. You, Mindy and Millie barked in trio when momma coughed, probably asking if I was ok. Now it's just Mindy and Millie barking in duet. Thank you for the many beautiful memories 💔😭🌈🐾🐶

06.29.24

TODAY would be your 6th birthday.
TODAY there would be no trip to Two Bostons, your favorite store to shop for your cake and treats.
TODAY there would be no walk around the culdesac to play with your St Bernard friend, Abbey
TODAY there would be no ride to the Millennium Tower and Centennial park.
Oh, the many things we would do not just on your birthdays but on many days,
You were glued to momma like no other.
It has not been easy but days are gettting better.
I did not say goodbye to you that day, I never do,
It's only I love you, Mimi ♥️ Momma will be back soon😭
And momma didn't make it back home soon enough that day is what kills me 💔
TODAY Mindy and Millie with dad will take a ride to Springbrook Prairie,
I will send you 5 white balloons to heaven with my letter for you my precious little girl, Mia.
TODAY on your birthday run free, play endlessly with Duchess, Melody and Belle 🐶🐶🐶

For now, keep watching over us my fur angel,
Your spirit is everywhere, with Millie I know.

Until we are all together again at the Rainbow Bridge and never be separated ever again.
Momma💖

DON'T CRY, MOMMA 🐶🌈🐾💔😭MIA

Don't cry, sweet Mama, please don't weep,
Please try, dear Mama, to get some sleep.
I know you're sad, and it's because of me,
But don't cry, Mama, for now I am pain-free.

I know you miss me, and I miss you too,
No one could have loved me more than you.
I know of some dogs that run away to die,
But not me, Mama, I looked you straight in the eye.

I didn't want to leave you, but my body lost the fight,
And now, my dearest Mama, you mourn me day and night.
You wished you could have given me a bit more time to live,
But Mama, believe me, I had little left to give.

I am glad you took me on that day, there was no other choice,
I would have told you to "do it" if I had a human voice.

Don't feel guilty, Mama, I know it broke your heart,
I was always going to leave you first, we knew it from the start.
But what a life you gave me, it really was the best,
Not many have a life like mine, for that I am truly blessed.

I hope one day I will see you again,
With a smile upon your face,
But for now, I will snuggle up inside your heart,
My very favorite place.

07.12.24

It's been 6 weeks since you crossed over to that beautiful side of heaven. I bravely returned to Hesed House homeless shelter where mama volunteers twice a day each week this past 8 years. You'd give a sad face on mornings when I whispered in your ears that mama is leaving to go to work. I'd reward you with a trip to Two Bostons, your favorite store and a nice walk in our court or a ride to Centennial Park, to run up the hills.

Except that 6 weeks ago, May 29th I arrived home from Hesed House and didn't find you sitting on top of your favorite recliner. I heard Mindy and Millie crazily barking. I didn't hear you. I came in and didn't find you. My heart was beating so fast, I looked everywhere in the house frantically. Because of your anxiety I know you'd hide at tight spaces when you hear a loud noise. I looked under the bed, in laundry room, closets, garage basement knowing all too well that you weren't there. I've always shut the doors when I leave. I know you were in the hallway upstairs with Mindy and Millie looking over the railing as I left. I knew you came downstairs to eat a little for breakfast, I saw your bowl.

I called your human sister, Laura who lives at another town. I don't know how she made it in 15 minutes to our house. She looked everywhere inside and outside the house, the neighborhood knowing you were inside our house only. I tried calling dad but he was in the city. I was too angry at him.. he wasn't supposed to leave you on days that I was at Hesed House. That was what we've done for the past 5 years since coming home after I adopted you. Because of your anxiety, you only want mama with you. If I could only take you everywhere I went you know I would. We've talked to our next door neighbor who'd said, you're inside our house. It was an exhausting evening but I didn't know where else to look.. I called our security company I don't know why.

When dad finally got home it was after 7 pm. I got home after 5 pm. He insisted that you must've followed me out when I left the house. NO I viewed the camera NO. I screamed and blamed him for not staying home with you.. this never would've happened. It had to be him to find your lifeless body😭😭😭💔 not mama not your big sister Laura. I probably would've died of heart attack with you my baby. I was hysterical and beyond sobbing with grief😭 your sister Laura hugged my shaking body as we both sobbed.

We still took you to the ER after dad cleaned you up😭 Dr still attempted CPR though he knew you were gone😭 WHY DID I LEAVE YOU THAT DAY TO VOLUNTEER TO THE HOMELESS? WHY DID I ASSUMED THAT DAD WAS ON HIS WAY HOME TO BE WITH YOU, as he'd done in the past. WHY DIDN'T I PUT ON YOUR THUNDER SHIRT? I just assumed the weather was clear with no storm in the forecast. WHY DIDN'T GIVE YOUR CBD oil for anxiety? I'm still breaking my brain WHAT COULD'VE TRIGGERED YOUR ANXIETY? Other than that, you were healthy my baby😭 WAS IT THE GARBAGE TRUCK? If not for the Memorial Day our trash would've been picked up on Tuesday, not Wednesday when I'm at the shelter 😭

I had my 2nd session of grief counseling and therapy. Mama is still very much in pain. I'm working on guilt and acceptance. You would've been 6 last June 29th. We went to Springbrook Prairie near our house. I released 5 balloons with my letter to you, my baby Mia. I had tears streaming down my face as I let the balloons up in thin air. My therapist advised that I grieve as long as I need to. There's no time limit. I know that you're in a safe and happy place in heaven. I know that our other fur babies Duchess, Melody and Belle welcomed you ! Wait for mama and we will all be together when my time comes. For now, I need to stay healthy that I still have Mindy and Millie "Lillie". Little Lillie has been exhibiting your traits and resting at your favorite areas in the house even our bed right next to me. I truly believe that your spirit is with Lillie. I miss you so much my precious girl. Please visit me in my dreams😭😭😭💔❣️

07.24.24

IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 MONTHS AGO TODAY WHEN I SUDDENLY AND TRAGICALLY LOST YOU, MY MIMI. I HONESTLY HAVEN'T TOUCHED AND CLEANED THE DASHBOARD IN MY CAR. THAT WAS WHERE YOU LOVED TO HOPPED ON WHENEVER YOU TOOK A RIDE WITH MOMMA AT ANY DRIVE THROUGH.. YOUR PAW PRINTS ARE STILL THERE, NOR HAVE I CLEANED OUR FRONT ROOM WINDOWS .. YOUR NOSE PRINTS AND LIP MARKINGS ARE STILL THERE.. I HAVEN'T TOUCHED THE TOP OF RECLINER WHERE YOU ALWAYS SAT, IT'S OVER LOOKING THE COURT SO YOU COULD EASILY SEE ME PULL UP OUR DRIVEWAY WHILE YOU WAITED FOR ME TO COME HOME. THERE ARE OTHER FEW THINGS THAT I HAVE NOT RESUMED DOING SINCE YOU SUDDENLY CROSSED OVER, 2 MONTHS AGO TODAY. I AM NOT READY JUST YET.. IT IS A STRUGGLE, AND MY THERAPIST SAID THAT IT'S OK. THIS IS MY OWN WAY OF DEALING WITH GRIEF. OTHERS ARE SYMPATHETIC. A FEW QUESTIONED ME., SOME HAVE SAID. MOVE ON . IT IS JUST A DOG 🥲💔 THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT I LOST MY (FUR) CHILD, A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY, WAY BETTER THAN HUMANS WHO HAVE BEEN TOO CRUEL TO ME. I MISS YOU SO MUCH, MY MIMI 🌈🐾🐶 UNTIL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. I HAVE BEEN SEEING THAT CARDINAL ON OUR TREES IN THE YARD, I KNOW IT'S YOU VISITING ME. COME VISIT ME IN MY DREAMS, BABY PLEASE. I AM STILL STRUGGLING BADLY, AND CONSTANTLY CALLING YOUR NAME 💖 MOMMA

07.31.2024

That day when you suddenly left me without a good bye nine weeks ago today, That was my worst day. That was a dreadful day that has remained in me to this day. As horrible as that moment was, and as sad as I still am, Momma is at peace. The grief therapy and counseling seemed to have helped. I continue to see and recognized those signs that you're sending me such as the cardinals on our trees.

I am at peace because I know that you are in a much, much better place. I know that as soon as you took your last breath even with mommy not being with you on that day here on Earth, God swept your beautiful, innocent soul and flew you to Heaven. I know that you have gained your furry little wings that you so rightfully deserve, and I am proud that I was able to know and love such an amazing little angel as you. Closed to 5 years, one month short to be exact was all you gave me. But those were the best 5 years of your short life. We've created may beautiful memories in such a short time. To me.. you were never a shelter dog. God gave you to me to be my rescue. It was Mommy that needed to be rescued.. for the pain of losing Melody and Belle in 2019.

As I am still here on Earth, I can't say that I know what Heaven above is like for you, but I hope that you are truly having the time of your life. I hope that you are surrounded by perfectly green meadows filled with colorful flowers and blanketed by the bluest skies and the brightest rays of sunshine. I hope that you have hundreds of different lakes, ponds, streams, and even oceans to swim in as much as your sweet little heart pleases. That is as much as I know what Rainbow Bridge is like. I hope that all of your anxiety, pain and suffering all vanished, allowing you to be the young, energetic pup that you once were and have been longing to be for so long now. I missed our walks, car rides, our cuddles and your kisses, but i missed your company the most, my Mimi. Calling your name and softly talking to you have helped me cope. I truly believed that you have been reincarnated in Millie. One day.. you and Mommy with Duchess, Melody and Belle will be together forever again. But for now .. watch over us. Millie and Mindy still need Momma. 🌈🐶💔💙

08.07.2024

It has been 10 weeks since God suddenly called you Home. I can only picture you running almost flying and playing endlessly with your sisters Duchess, Melody and Belle and the many other furry creatures that you have made friends with. You are the friendliest not even minding even they're much bigger than you, my little one. I cannot imagine how beautiful heaven, the Rainbow Bridge must be . I still talk to everyday my baby Mia. My grief still lingers. Your loss was the most difficult for me to accept. Duchess, Melody and Belle were in my arms when they breathe their last. Even then I was heartbroken just the same but comforted that they were no longer suffering from their illnesses. I was emotionally prepared . You were supposed to be home waiting for Momma when I returned home from my volunteer site. We were supposed to take a ride to your store to pick up your food and a toy for Mindy, then take a walk that day. We were supposed to celebrate your 6th birthday the next month. I have so many unanswered questions 🥲 WHY! WHY! WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME SO SOON? Oh I just missed you so much I still cry 😕 and very much heartbroken. Come visit me soon, baby, please🌈💖 Momma

09.04.24

This is so hard to believe. How is it that you left Momma 14 weeks ago already? I still go to my therapy /grief counseling once a week on Tuesdays. I want to say it has helped; I have accepted the fact that God called you back to be with Him. I still struggle with grief and guilt. I still blame myself for losing you, my Mimi. Today is Wednesday following Labor Day; because Monday was a holiday we had no trash pick, so our garbage pick is today. That was the same circumstance last Memorial Day. I left you in the house with Mindy and Millie to go to the homeless shelter where I volunteer all day. I said good bye, kissed you and promised to be back soon. I go through this in my mind every first Wednesday of the month, especially following a holiday on Mondays. You should still be with Momma, waiting on top of that recliner until I returned home. My heart is still bleeding for you. Thank you for your visit over the weekend. I have been sighting cardinals on our trees and feeding on the bird feeder by the patio. I'm comforted because i know it's you visiting Momma. I miss you so much, my baby Mia. I kiss your urn each morning and keep a lit candle next to it when I'm home. I also leave a sweet smelling jasmine flower on your urn whenever I see them bloom. Come visit Momma in my dream please. I see your traits in little Millie. She's only been with us just one year last month; you were together just 9 months but you showed her around and trained her well as if you knew that your time would be up soon. Lillie sleeps on the same spot of our bed where you used to sleep right next to Momma's right shoulder. She still knows your name and looks at me when I mention to her. Mindy misses you a lot too I could tell. You were together for 4 years. You trained Mindy too, she just turned one when daddy, you and I picked her up for her foster mom. Your weeping cherry tree is beautifully growing, and flowers that i planted underneath have nicely grown and blooming. I know you're happy at Rainbow Bridge with Momma's other babies before you. Keep running like used to, almost flying with your beautiful fur bouncing. Car rides are still hard for me. I haven't turned the radio when I'm driving so it's quiet and I only look at the clouds to see if I could spot your face somewhere. Your collar hangs on my rear view mirror, it'll be there for a long time. Please kiss Duchess, Melody and Belle for me; tell them I miss them too. I love and miss you, my babies. Keep watching over us, especially Mindy and Millie :)