Today is Friday, September 6, 2013 at 10:49am and I have been visiting the Bridge, reading the nice messages in your guestbook, and saying hello to other little ones who have passed on. Bear, Mommy cried so hard for you yesterday. She was talking with Lynda, who also loved you, and they were talking about when you were a little one. The memories just flooded in and I became so bereft. Just knowing how you used to be, how you used to feel, compared with your last days, broke my heart. You were such a joyful kitten and teenager, and your early adult years were filled with galloping through the house, sliding on the floors, slapping hard when playing, loud trills, crazy meows, unusual sleeping positions, chewing on everything you could find, including cords, shower curtains, Mommy's graduation gown. . . . You were such a vital presence in the house, such a wonderful and positive life force. Your tail was always straight up in the air sailing perkily above you. You would trill and talk for hours on end and even make odd little quacking sounds. You were only four months old when you started watching TV. You'd be playing with your toys, look up and see something on the TV screen and then sit, transfixed, for minutes before returning to your playtime. You were moody and unpredictable, you would spend long hours sleeping under Mommy's bed and then emerge, stretch, and expect to be catered to, because you knew Mommy would hop to it, and happily so. And when you would lay on Mommy's lap and watch TV with her, or cuddle up in bed with her when she read and give her kisses and love loves -- and sometimes very painful bite bites -- she felt so cared for, so protected, and so lucky. Now all I have are my memories of you, and all of them, even the very best ones, are tinged with sadness because of your absence. I keep looking for you. The day I had you put to sleep was a nightmare. I remember that I heard the sound of a cat jumping up on the counter and I hoped and prayed it was you. It was exactly the sound you'd made on those few short days of having a good appetite and wanting to see what else might be on the counter that you could eat. So I called out something like, "Thank you for visiting Mama, baby." And then that was that, and no more sensations of having you around. And no dreams of you. Will you come back and see Mama? Will you, please? She longs for you, Bear Bear. She loves you so much. So very much.

Today is Saturday, September 7, 2013 at 10:35am and I'm missing my baby boy. Yesterday I wondered if maybe you had visited me? I wanted to find your baby pictures so I had pulled out some boxes and the small cat carrier that was Cassandra's (and that I had used to bring you home from the Moscow Humane Society the day I adopted you), which I was also using to store photos. I found your adoption papers, which made me cry. And then I was on the phone with your Gimgam and she was saying I should stop looking at pictures of you. Suddenly there was this banging noise inside the carrier or on top of it, I couldn't tell. Neither Gabriel or Rocco was nearby and I hadn't touched anything near the carrier so I could not think of any reason for the loud noise. When I checked all around, I saw that the carrier had moved a few inches. So I don't know. It was very odd, and of course I wanted the incident to mean that my baby bear had visited me. But there are all sorts of strange phenomena in this world and none of it has to mean that you came to see Mama. The other night I heard a banging sound in the laundry room, but again, no kitties were around, so that also made me think of you. Last night I dreamed I saw an old student of mine and he comforted me because he'd heard I lost my baby. So that was you in the dream but you did not appear in the dream. Bear, I long for you so much. Gimgam thinks I am holding on too long. She loves me but she doesn't understand; my grief scares her I think. I have no intention of stopping talking to you, looking at your pictures, or wishing for you. Yes, I will have to go about my daily life, much as I do not have much interest in it. But you were and are my baby boy and I will not move into my future without bringing you along, if only in spirit. I love you without limits baby boy. I really do.

Today is Sunday, September 8, 2013 and it has been 18 days since I had you put to sleep. Bear, for some reason, yesterday was the hardest day for me. I wrote and wrote and talked and talked about you but I could not feel better. I cried such pathetic tears of loss. And I started again to doubt the wisdom of my decision to put you down. I feel like I'm in a spiral that keeps pulling me downward. I'm not sure I want to feel better because I'm not sure I deserve to. I'm going to counseling next week to see if I can help myself put things into perspective. Bear, I love you more than I can possibly express. I miss you more than I can possibly express. I long for you, I wish for you. And I'm yours forever.

Morning, Bear Bear. It is 10:39am on 9/9/13 and I am missing my little boy so much. I have started a photobook of you on shutterfly. I know it won't bring you back to me but I will like having lots of pictures of you in one place to look at any time I want. I love you so much baby boy.

It is 5:17pm on 9/9/13 and I wanted you to know I finished my photobook of you. I had fun doing it, though it made me cry, too. I'm going to participate in tonight's Candlelight Vigil. I put your name on the list of tributes. I won't use a real candle because I don't want the little kliddy Gabriel to cause any harm to himself or Mama or, Rocco, or the house. I saw a grief counselor today. He was sort of pushy, so I may not see him again. I love you so much, Bear Bear. So very very very much.

It is 2:27pm on 9/10/13 and I am so missing my baby. I did another photobook of you because I forgot some pictures the first time. I hope Lynda does one for you soon, too, because she has some great photos of you that I don't have and I wanted to include your baby pictures, too. Bear, last night I was pretty calm after the ceremony and I wondered even worried that I was moving on. Not that moving on in a sense is a bad thing, but I just didn't feel right feeling okay. My baby is too important to me to just get on with it, you know? Well, this morning I was sad all over again and cried a good deal as I was working on the new photobook. I cannot and will not forget about you, little pumpkin. Little Poochie Magoochie. I might have good days, even more as time goes on, but no matter how much better I feel I will never stop missing, loving, and wishing for my Bear Bear. I love you and miss you endlessly.

It is 8:09am on 9/11/13 and I am missing my little Poochie Magoochie Peach Pooch Bear Bear. I had a bad day yesterday my Bear Bear. Missing you and crying and crying. Today I have to go to work and do some things in the world outside. It will be tough not to have lots of time to talk to my baby but I know that I have responsibilities and will have to figure out how to keep our relationship alive and my commitments solid at the same time. I think I can do it, but that will probably mean I will have to sacrifice some Bear Bear time in the process. You will understand though, I think, because you are a good baby boy. Just know that even when Mama can't write to you or talk to you she is holding you close in her heart and wishing for you and waiting until she can reach out to you again. I love you without limits baby Shoney.

It is 8:37am on 9/12/13 and I miss my little baby boy. Mama thinks about you all the time, Bear Bear and loves you so much. Loves you endlessly.

It is1:57pm on 9/12/13. I just counted the days, baby, and today is the 23rd day you have been gone from this earth. I miss my darling boy so much I can't stand it.

It is 11:41am on 9/13/13, 24 days since you left this world. I love you so much, my baby kitty Bear Bear. So much. I miss you more than I can express.

It is 11:58pam on 9/13/13. It has been a day of writing about you, to you, and for you, about talking about you, looking at your photos, and remembering all the joy you gave me and all the sadness I feel with your absence. Bear, some nice people signed your guestbook today and it made me so happy. You are everything to me. I love you and miss you without limits. Night night, sweet boy. See you tomorrow.

It is 2:00pm on 9/14/13, 25 days since you left this world. I love and miss you so much, my darling Shoners Beeloners.

It is 10:55am on 9/15/13, 26 days since you left this world. I cried last night for a long time about my Bear Bear. I love you and miss you without limits, baby boy.

It is 1:26pm on 9/16/13, 27 days since you left this world. Bear Bear Mama loves and misses you so much. I'm so lost without my baby boy.

It is 8:09am on 9/17/13, 28 days since you left this world. I love you endlessly Baby Bear and miss you miss you miss you.

It is 9:26am on 9/18/13, 29 days since you left this world. Morning, Bear Bear sweet boy. Mama loves and misses you endlessly.

It is 11:02pm on 9/19/13, 30 days since you left this world. Mama misses and loves you without limits, baby bear.

It is 10:39am on 9/20/13, 31 days since you left this world. Mama loves you baby, and misses you so. Always and without end.

it is 1:22pm on 9/21/13, 32 days since you left this world, if I have been counting right. Mama hasn't been able to do much very well since she sent you to the Bridge. Baby boy, I miss you something awful. Each day gets a little harder in its way, though each day brings me longer and longer stretches of calm. I am getting used to your being gone but I am not liking it one little bit, darling Bear Bear, and I never, ever will like it. Please come see me; I'm so lonely for you. Please forgive me for your final day on earth. Please.

It is 9:10pm on 9/22/13, 33 days since you left this world. I miss you and love you so very very much my baby boy. I will be going to work this week and will not have the chance to write to you as much as I want to but I will think about you, miss you, and love you sooooooo much every day, all the time. Night night darling Bear Bear.

It is 8:13am on 9/23/13, 34 days since you left this world. Today I go back to work, baby. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 10:46pm on 9/24/13, 35 days since you left this world and took my heart with you. I miss and love you so much, darling baby boy.

It is 11:16pm on 9/25/13, 36 days since you left this world. My baby boy I did not cry as much today but I felt a sweet sadness that I have not been able to shake. I love and miss you endlessly. I so want to make contact with you. I so want you to come visit me. I think about you constantly. Goodnight, precious pumpkin. Always and forever I love and miss you.

It is 10:47pm on 9/26/13, 37 days since you left this world and became an angel. I cried terrible tears of loss and longing tonight Bear Bear. I miss and love you endlessly and pray you are happy and that you will come see me. Nigh night precious pumpkin.

It is 9:03 pm on 9/27/13, 38 days since you left this world. I just keep missing and loving you baby boy. I just do. So very very much. Nigh night, darling Shoney.

It is 11:09am on 9/28/13, 39 days since you left this world. Baby boy I love you and miss you endlessly.

Morning baby it is 11:02am on 9/29/13, 40 days since you left this world. Gimgam turned 82 years old today. I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 9:31pm on 9/30/13, 41 days since you left this world. I cried tears and tears and tears this afternoon on the way home from rehearsal, bear. I did the candlelighting ceremony and that was sad too, but by then I was almost all cried out for the moment. It is so hard being without you, baby. So hard. I love and miss you without limits, darling baby Bear Bear boy boy.

It is 7:44pm on 10/1/13, 42 days since you left this world and became an angel. Bear, each day brings its challenges, though I guess the tears have begun to flow less frequently. But the sadness remains, the sense of loneliness and loss remains, and the love -- it just grows and grows. You meant and mean everything to me, my darling baby boy. Night night, sweetie pie. Mama loves and misses you endlessly.

It is 8:30am on 10/2/13, 43 days since you left this world. I cried hard last night Bear Bear, not long before I went to bed, sometime after I wrote the post above. The depth of my grief and my love for you constantly grows and surprises me. I love and miss you endlessly baby boy.

It is 8:25am on 10/4/13, 45 days since you left this world. Yesterday I had an amazing experience with an animal communicator and I felt so much better, Bear Bear. I didn't post anything here because my hand has been hurting quite a bit recently and it is still hard to type. But I thought about you and talked to you and loved you and missed you and cried about you all day long. I love you and miss you without limits, poochie.

It is 1:31pm on 10/6/13, Shoney. I have decided to stop counting the days. I didn't even post yesterday because I am trying to find a new way to connect with you. I want to stay connected so badly, Bear Bear, and I want to do it in a way that allows you to breathe, if that makes sense. But you know, oh you know so well, how much I love you and miss you and long for you. Have a good day, darling boy boy.

Night night, Shoney Bear. It is 11:35pm on 10/6/13. I won't be able to do the candlelighting ceremony tomorrow but I will be thinking about you and loving and missing you soooooo much. I hope you are happy, baby.

It is 8:08pm on 10/7/13, and I cried and cried today about my Shoney. I was able to sit in on the candlelighting ceremony for a little while, baby boy, but it wasn't the same as when I could really sit and contemplate and pray. But I thought about you so much today and think about you so much anyway. I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 9:25pm on 10/8/13, and I miss you and love you soooo much, sweet boy. Night night, pumpkin pie.

It is 9:46am on 10/10/13. I thought I had left a message yesterday but it turns out I didn't so I feel sad that I missed a day, Bear. I have been thinking about you so much, missing you, and of course loving you. Have a good day, baby.

It is 8:44am on 10/11/13. I miss you so much in surprisingly painful ways, just the simple everyday things I can no longer share with you. I love you so much, baby boy.

It is 1:38pm on 10/12/13. I continue to miss you so much in so many unexpected ways. I love you and miss you endlessly baby bear.

It is 9:50pm on 10/13/13 and I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:02pm on 10/14/13, and I just cannot get along without you darling boy. Mama's trying but it's so hard! I love and miss you without limits baby boy.

It is 7:02pm on 10/15/13. Bear, I put off paying the balance at SVS and Yakima Valley Veterinary because they were related to your final days on earth and your euthanasia. But today I paid them and I am just so bereft, so utterly bereft. The final piece of the puzzle has been put into place and there is nothing left but memories and heartache and grief. I love and miss you so much that I don't know what to do, baby boy. I am crying as I write this and I am so lonely for you, so very very lonely.

It is 8:29pm on 10/16/13, and I love and miss you so endlessly darling baby boy.

It is 8:36am on 10/17/13, and I love and miss my little sweet Bear Bear without limits. Mama was very sad about you yesterday Bear. Being without you is hard.

It is almost midnight on 10/18/13, and I just love and miss you so very very much Bear, more than I can possibly express.

It is 11:13pm on 10/19/13, and I loved and missed you all day long, baby sweet boy. Night night sweet Baby Bear. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 11:12am on 10/20/13, and I wanted so much for you to visit me in my dreams last night. I keep waiting for signs and signals and none appear to be forthcoming. What am I doing wrong, Bear? Mama loves and misses you to the moon and back again.

It is 8:26am on 10/21/13, and I missed you so very very much yesterday, baby boy. I always miss you but yesterday was particularly tough. Have a good day, precious Bear. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 6:30pm on 10/21/13. I was checking the phone for new messages and saw that the call Gimgam made to me not an hour after I had you put to sleep is no longer on the list of calls. I did not delete the record of that call. I would not have deleted the record of that call. So what happened to it? How did it get deleted? It's not that I want to remember such a sad day but I didn't want to delete anything that is connected to you, and now that the record of the call is deleted I am feeling so unhappy and uneasy. I love and miss you so much, baby so very very much. This just makes me feel inexplicably awful..... It is now 9:58pm on the same night and I realized while in the chat room that you left this world two months ago today. Oh, Bear I think about you every day how could I have missed the significance of the date? I have been crying for you. I love and miss you to the moon and back, baby baby baby boy.

It is 9:38am on 10/22/13, and I love and miss you so very very much, Bear Bear.

It is 7:48am on 10/23/13, and I dreamt about you all last night, baby Bear. In the dreams it was not exactly you, of course, and the dreams were not happy dreams, but hopefully they will be soon. I wrote you a goodbye and hello letter yesterday, Bear, and though it was not easy to do, I'm glad I did it. I love and miss you without limits.

It is 9:08am on 10/24/13, and I think I dreamt about you again last night, baby, though I cannot be sure. I do know that I think about you all the time and love and miss you to the moon and back.

It is 9:01am on 10/25/13, and I dreamt about you again last night though also about Clodney at the same time. Turned out happy though the dream was not happy to start with. I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 11:10am on 10/26/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Little Bear.

It is 12:45pm on 10/27/13, and I so love and so miss you, baby boy.

It is 8:21am on 10/28/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, Baby Bear.

It is 8:31am on 10/30/13, and I feel bad because I could have SWORN I left a note for you here yesterday. I do love and miss you without limits, Baby Sweet Bear.

It is 9:36am on 10/31/13. Good morning Peach Pooch. I love and miss you to the moon and back.

It is 8:36am on 11/1/13. Good morning darling sweet boy. I have been so utterly lonely without you. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:36am on 11/2/13. Hey, baby kitty boy. Mama loves and misses you endlessly.

It is 10:31am on 11/3/13. I miss and love you so very very much baby boy.

It is 8:37am on 11/4/13, and I love and miss my darling baby bear without limits.

It is 10:19am on 11/5/13, and I love and miss my baby boy endlessly.

It is 8:29am on 11/6/13, and I love and miss you with all my heart and soul, Bear Bear.

It is 10:03am on 11/7/13, and I love and miss my darling baby without limits.

It is 11:05am on 11/8/13, and I love and miss you so, baby boy.

It is 10:13am on 11/9/13, and I love and miss my Shoney without limits.

It is 11:52am on 11/10/13, and I love and miss my darling baby without limits.

It is 11:42am on 11/11/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, baby bear.

It is 10:05am on 11/12/13, and I love and miss my baby boy endlessly.

It is 11:13pm on 11/13/13, and I have so much love for you, little boy. And I miss you terribly. All the live long day.

It is 11:01pm on 11/14/13, and I cried so hard for you this afternoon, Bear, I thought I was never going to stop. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 4:46pm on 11/15/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Bear Bear.

It is 1:18pm on 11/16/13, and I love and miss my baby boy endlessly.

It is 11:58am on 11/17/13, and I am loving and missing my baby boy incredibly.

It is 8:04am on 11/18/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, baby bear.

It is 9:22am on 11/19/13, and I love and miss you without limits, baby bear bear.

It is 8:37 am on 11/20/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear.

It is 9:37am on 11/21/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Baby Shoney.

It is 11:53am on 11/22/13, and I dreamt a tiny bit about you this am, Bear, which made me incredibly happy. I love and miss you without limits.

It is 11:19am on 11/23/13, and I love and miss you without limits, Bear. Have a good day, baby boy.

It is 11:28am on 11/24/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 8:23m on 11/25/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, tiny baby boy.

It is 9:28am on 11/26/13, and I cried buckets over you at the candlelighting ceremony last night, Bear. I just love and miss you so much, and it still feels like it's all my fault. You're my everything and I love and miss you without limits.

It is 9:36am on 11/27/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Shoney.

It is 1:47pm on 11/28/13. Happy Thanksgiving, Bear and Mousie Girl. I love and miss you both endlessly. This is my first Thanksgiving holiday without having both of your sweet faces to come home to. I hope you are both playing and sleeping and having so much fun. And eating lots of treats! Big xxoo from Mommy.

It is 10:54am on 11/29/13, and I love and miss you without limits, baby Bear Bear boy boy.

It is 11:40am on 11/30/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear Boy Boy.

It is 11:07am on 12/1/13, and I am loving and missing my Shoney without limits.

It is 7:44am on 12/2/13, and I woke at 6am wishing my Bear would come visit me in my dream. No such luck. I love and miss you to the moon and back, Bear Bear.

It is 9:05am on 12/3/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Bear Bear.

It is 7:21am on 12/4/13, and I wish you would come visit me in my dreams again or send me a sign, Bear. I'm so lonely for you. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:26am on 12/5/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, baby Boy. Where are you? Please come visit Mama.

It is 9:04am on 12/6/13, and I dreamt briefly this morning about my babies past, including, I really hope, you baby boy. I love and miss you to the moon and beyond, Bear.

It is 12:14pm on 12/7/13, and I love and miss you endlessly, Baby Bear.

It is 11:06am on 12/8/13, and I am missing and loving you as usual without end, Shoney.

It is 8:01pm on 12/9/13, and I love you and miss you to the moon and back, baby Shoney Bear.

It is 7:19am on 12/10/13, Little Bear. Last night was rough. So much guilt and anguish over your last day on earth. I begged for you to come to me in my dream and although I did dream of Mimi and either you or Elliott this morning, not being sure it was you made me so sad when I woke up. I love and miss you so, baby boy, and I'm so, so, so sorry for failing you. Please forgive Mama and please come see her.

It is 7:23am on 12/11/13, and I love and miss you endlessly baby boy.

It is 11:51am on 12/11/13, and I love and miss my darling Bear endlessly.

It is 11:27am on 12/12/13. I know you are gone, Bear, but I haven't forgotten you one iota. Not one. I love and miss you eternally.

It is 12:13pm on 12/13/13, and I am missing and loving you so very much, my baby. Wish me luck with my gyno situation; I hope all will be well. I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 11:04am on 12/14/13, and I love and miss you endlessly Bear Bear. Wish me luck with my ultrasound today?

It is 9:12am on 12/15/13, and I love and miss you without limits, Shoney. Please come see me in my dreams.

It is 8:53am on 12/16/13, and I love and miss my darling Bear Bear to the moon and back. Please come see me, Bear Bear. And please wish me well.

It is 12:33pm on 12/17/13, and the news from the ultrasound was not good. I have to have a biopsy of my uterus, Bear. Mama is scared, so scared. She is very, very glad you came to her in her dream this morning. Thank you, Baby Bear. She loved being able to hold you and kiss you again. And she saw her other babies, too, most of them anyway. I love you and miss you endlessly, baby boy. I really do.

It is 10:23am on 12/18/13, and I love and miss you so much, darling baby. To the moon and back.

It is 8:01am on 12/19/13, and I love and miss you endlessly Bear Bear. I may not be able to post here for the next several days but I will be thinking about you and wishing for you and loving you always always.

It is 4:16pm on 12/24/13. I got home from Boise this morning and went straight to bed. But I thought of a Bear all the time I was gone, and loved and missed you so. Merry Christmas Eve, Little Bear and Mousie Girl. My first Christmas without you, Mimi, and my first Christmas without you, Bear. Too much loss. Mama is sad and she is scared about the biopsy on the 26th. Please send Mama good, healthy vibes, and please come see her, at least in her dreams. I love and miss you both endlessly.

It is 11:40am on 12/25/13. Merry Christmas, Little Bear. Merry Christmas, Little Mouse. Mama loves and misses you both so very, very, very much.

It is 8:52am on 12/26/13. Wish me luck today with my procedure Little Bear? And wish for me to be completely okay today and for the next several decades? I love and miss you to the moon and back, baby boy. I really do.

It is 1:05pm on 12/27/13, and I love you and miss you endlessly Little Bear. Please wish for me to be completely okay now and for the next several decades. Please guard over me, my darling boy. I love you and miss you without limits.

It is 11:40am on 12/28/13, and I love and miss you without limits, tiny baby Bear Bear. Please wish for me to be completely okay now and for the next several decades. Please guard over me? You are my darling Shoney Bear, always.

It is 12:47pm on 12/29/13, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Shoney.

It is 4:21pm on 12/30/13, and I love and miss you endlessly baby boy. I was going to post to you this morning because I got good news from the biopsy but I had to go get my blood drawn for my regular doctor appointment and then I went shopping. But I thought about you all day as usual. I love you baby boy. I miss you baby boy. To the moon and back. Mama is happy for her good news and grateful for a bear, even though he is not with her here on earth. xxxooo

Little Bear and Little Mouse, it is 11:50am on 12/31/13, one year to the day that Mousie passed away. Meemie I miss your sweet face and dainty little ways. I miss your loyalty, your cuddliness, and your devotion. I love you and miss you! Little Bear, you always loved Meemie even before she loved you. I love you and miss you so, Little Bear. Happy New Year's Eve to my two darling babies, so missed, so loved, and for always and forever.

Darling Bear Bear and Little Mouse, it is 12:34pm on 1/1/14. I love and miss you both without limits. Happy New Year, my babies. Happy New Year, Ellie Bellie, Tiny Teedrum, and Chub Chub. All my darling babies. I love and miss you so.

It is 11:34am on 1/2/14, and I love and miss my darling baby Bear Bear without limits.

It is 3:17pm on 1/3/14, and I love and miss you without end, Darling Shoney. Please come see me in my dreams?

It is 4:42pm on 1/4/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Shoney Bear.

It is 5:02pm on 1/5/14, and I love and miss you without limits, darling Shoney.

It is 7:17am on 1/6/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Baby Boy.

It is 6:30pm on 1/7/14, and I love and miss my Shoney Bear endlessly. Please come see me in my dreams, baby boy boy boy.

It is 9:09am on 1/8/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Baby Bear.

It is 7:57pm on 1/9/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, sweet boy.

It is 11:26am on 1/10/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 7:25pm on 1/11/14, and I love and miss my Shoney Bear limitlessly.

It is 11:59am on 1/12/14, and I am loving and missing you so, Bear Bear. Beyond anything I can express. Please come see me in my dreams or send me a sign, sweet boy.

It is 5:09 PM on 1/13/14, and I love you and miss you without end, Little Bear.

It is 8:49am on 1/14/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Sweet Shoney. Please come see me in my dreams?

It is 6:54pm on 1/15/14, and I love you and miss you endlessly, Shoney Bear. Please, please, please come see me in my dreams.

It is 9:53am on 1/16/14, and I cannot find you in my dreams anymore, Bear. Please come see me. I love you and miss you endlessly.

It is 10:04am on 1/17/14. You were in my dream briefly sometime this morning but it was not for long enough and I did not get to hold you or give you kisses, Bear Bear. I'm so lonely for you. Please come see me. I love you and miss you without limits.

It is 11:27am on 1/18/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear. I dreamed of sweet Mitchie this morning but not of you. You continue to elude me. Why?

It is 11:40am on 1/19/14. What can I say, Bear? The whole thing is making me so sad, so mournful. I love and miss you like crazy, and I feel so guilty and so helpless. I'm so sorry, Bear. So very sorry for everything. I love and miss you always and forever.

It is 12:40pm on 1/20/14, and I love and miss you without end, Baby Boy.

It is 9:36am on 1/21/14, and I have been so very lonely for you, Bear. I reach out and cannot find you anywhere, no matter how hard I plead with you. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:15am on 1/22/14, and I feel so far away from you, Tiny Boy. I love and miss you without limits.

It is 7:53pm on 1/23/14, and I am losing hope of ever connecting with you again, Bear Bear. I love and miss you endlessly and I feel so sad and alone.

It is 12:49pm on 1/24/14, and I love and miss you endlessly. Little Bear, you are my everything.

It is 11:44am on 1/25/14, and I just love and miss you so, Bear Bear. More than you could ever guess. Limitlessly.

It is 1:26pm on 1/26/14. Interesting synchronicity! Bear, Bear, where are you? Why will you not come see me in my dreams? I miss you and love you with a constancy that you could not possibly comprehend. I hope you are happy, my darling kitty cat cat cat bear.

It is 9:57am on 1/27/14, and I love and miss you unendingly, baby boy.

It is 9:20am on 1/28/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Bear Bear. Will you ever come see me again? Ever?

It is 8:39am on 1/29/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear Bear.

It is 9:25am on 1/30/14, and I think you appeared briefly in my dream this morning, along with Elliott and Cassandra, but no kisses or hugs. Oh, Bear. Oh, my Sweet Bear. I just love and miss you so much, so much. I'm so lonely for you. So lonely. Please come see me.

It is 1:28pm on 1/31/14, and I am so sad that I don't have you, Bear Bear. I love and miss you to the moon and back.

It is 11:52am on 2/1/4, and I am getting so discouraged, Bear. If I only knew you were still around and will come see me again, I think I could be happier. But I don't know and so I am sad, confused, and very lonely. I'm sorry. I just miss and love you endlessly.

It is 1:15pm on 2/2/14, and I love and miss you without end, Bear Bear. No signs from you in some time, baby boy. I hope you are happy.

It is 9:23am on 2/3/14, and I love and miss you completely, Bear Bear. Still no sign from you....

It is 8:52am on 2/4/14, and I cannot find you in my dreams, my Bear Bear. Mama is so sad. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:45am on 2/5/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, my sweet Bear.

It is 9:29am on 2/6/14, and I dreamt about my little BEAR this morning! Thank you my sweet boy, thank you so much! In my dream, which didn't last long, I got to hold you, which made me so happy in the dream and even happier when I woke up. I love and miss you to the moon and back.

It is 12:07pm on 2/7/14, and I just love and miss you to the moon and back, Shoney.

It is 1:54pm on 2/8/14, and you came to my dream this morning again, sweet baby! I got to hold you in my lap and carry you around. I was sooooo happy! Thank you, sweet Shoney for making Mama so happy two mornings in a row. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 12:25pm on 2/9/14, and I love and miss you endlessly and completely, Shoney Sweet Boy Bear Bear Bear.

It is 8:02am on 2/10/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Sweet Baby Bear Bear.

It is 8:02am on 2/11/14, and I am going to be trying to contact you with Wendy this morning, Sweet Bear. I hope you come through. I love and miss you completely and totally.

It is 8:31am on 2/12/14, and I had a good session with Wendy, baby boy. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 8:43am on 2/13/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, sweet Bear.

It is 10:28am on 2/14/14. Happy Valentine's Day little Shoney Bear and Meemers Mouse. Mama loves and misses you both so much. Bear, next week I won't be able to come onto this site and talk to you because I will be at the conference in Boise. I will think about you and miss you every day, baby boy. You know that I will. Endlessly.

It is 2:35pm on 2/15/14, and I am not going to be able to come onto this site and talk to you most likely at all starting tomorrow, Little Bear. So, for today and for 2/16, 2/17, 2/18, 2/19, 2/20, 2/21, and 2/22/14, I love and miss you completely and totally, and for always and always. My darling sweet Shoners Beloners.

It is 10:15am on 2/23/14. It's been several days since I posted here, Bear. I thought about you every day, though I confess not as much as usual, but I think that was mostly because I had to concentrate on the conference and did not have much time to think about anything else, even you. But maybe I'm getting used to your being gone, much as I detest it. Maybe Wendy's words sank in a bit and I'm trying not to wallow as much. Or maybe it's just what it is. All I know is, no matter what, I love you and miss you more than I can express. I dreamt about you at least once while I was away. And you are still my life's blood. My little Shoney Bear Bear Boy Boy.

It is 9:43am on 2/24/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Darling Shoney.

It is 9:18am on 2/25/14, and I love and miss you dearly, sweet boy.

It is 9:42am on 2/26/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 9:37am on 2/27/14, and I love and miss you totally and completely, Bear Bear. My sweet, complicated, strong-willed, chatty boy.

It is 10:43am on 2/28/14. I love and miss you mega muchly, Bear. I'm trying to stay positive, but life was better with a sweet and reasonably healthy Bear in it. I hope you are happy, sweetest boy boy.

It is 12:26pm on 3/1/14, and I am so missing you, Bear Bear. Clocko had his appointment with the vet I switched to and even though all was okay except for him having some buildup on his molars, all I could think of was the last four months of your life and how it was filled with vet visits, timid hopes, crushed dreams, and many tears. And all the pain and suffering you went through, only to have my pull the plug and have you put to sleep anyway. I was so scared, Bear Bear. So afraid that things would get even worse and that you would suffer even more and that I would run out of money to help you and I was a coward and I jumped the gun, even though it is true that you seemed very, very diminished in spirits and in your overall demeanor. You broke my heart because I loved you so much and I still love you so much and I miss you every day, Bear. Every. Day. I'm so sorry, my sweet baby boy for everything I did, didn't do, or didn't do well enough. You were and are my treasured baby boy.

It is 1:53pm on 3/2/14, and I am so very sad and lonely for a bear. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 11:09pm on 3/2/14, and I am so sad but I don't think I will have a chance to post on 3/3/14 because I have a very early day, so just in case, little Bear, I am posting twice today. If I can keep my head on straight I will post tomorrow night. I love and miss you so incredibly, Sweetest Boy Boy Bear Bear. Night night, Shoney.

It is 9:43am on 3/4/14, and I missed and loved you yesterday as usual sweet boy. And of course I love and miss you incredibly and completely today, too.

It is 7:22pm on 3/5/14, and I cried tears of loss, sadness, and anger over the unfairness of your illness and my decision to let you go. I love and miss you so much that I sometimes can't breathe, Baby Bear.

It is 8:18am on 3/6/14, and I dreamt about you several times last night little sweet boy. I was so happy and yet so sad, too. Happy to see you and hold you, sad because in the dream you were ill, somewhat in the manner of your last weeks with me. So it was both. But I was still incredibly glad to have you in my dream anyway. And then later I dreamt that I was about to toss a box of what looked like papers when I suddenly saw a little mashed up felt stocking with the name Bear on it and another one with the name Mouse on it. I remember being so happy that I saw those things before it was too late. Oh, how I love you and Mitchie. But Bear, I miss you so incredibly. So very incredibly.

It is 9:49am on 3/7/14, and I had such disturbing dreams last night. I thought maybe at one point you visited but it might have been Cassandra. But golly, I so love and miss you sweetest boy boy Bear Bear. Endlessly.

It is 9:14pm on 3/8/14, and I love and miss you without limits, sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 2:05pm on 3/9/14, and I am loving and missing my Jimjamjar endlessly.

It is 6:30pm on 3/10/14, and I love and miss you something awful. Today, Adam Gabriel is one year old, and in spite of being happy to have him with me, I'm still just crushed about the reason why. You are always on my mind, sweet boy bear bear.

It is 6:47am on 3/11/14, and I love and miss you, Sweet Shoney, without end. I hope you are a happy, happy boy.

It is 8:40am on 3/12/14, and last night I had a bad bout of sadness and regret, Sweet Bear. I love and miss you so much it's painful. So very much.

It is 6:10pm on 3/13/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Bear Bear.

It is 10:57am on 3/14/14, and I just do love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Bear.

It is 6:53pm on 3/15/14, and I got to hug you and kiss you in my dream this morning, Bear Bear. That made me so happy! I love and miss you without limits, sweet boy.

It is 12:21pm on 3/16/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Shoney Sweet Boy Bear Bear Bear.

It is 7:44am on 3/17/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, darling Shoney Bear. Truly.

It is 8:28am on 3/18/14, and I love and miss you without end, Sweet Boy Bear Bear Bear.

It is 11:09am on 3/19/14, and I love and miss you completely and always, Shoney Bear. My darling, sweet, complicated, intelligent, one-of-a-kind baby boy.

It is 8:49am on 3/20/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Shoney.

It is 10:30am on 3/21/14, and I love and miss you so very much of much, Bear Bear.

It is 6:19pm on 3/22/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, Bear Bear Bear.

It is 8:35am on 3/23/14, and I love and miss you incredibly, sweet Boy Bear Bear.

It is 10:47am on 3/24/14, and I was so sad and lonely for you yesterday, Bear. I love and miss you always.

It is 10:24am on 3/25/14, and I love and miss you completely and totally, Sweet Shoney.

It is 11:12am on 3/26/14, and I love and miss you without end, Baby Bear.

It is 10:02am on 3/27/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 11:46am on 3/28/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back, Little Bear.

It is 12:40pm on 3/29/14, and I am so awfully missing and loving you, my baby boy. To the moon and back and again and again.

It is 11:54am on 3/30/14, and I feel so lost without my sweet boy. My house is not a home anymore, Bear. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:17am on 3/31/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Boy Bear.

It is 9:21am on 4/1/14, and I love and miss you without limits, darling Shoney.

It is 9:37am on 4/2/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, sweet baby Bear Bear.

It is 9:06pm on 4/3/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, darling Shoney Bear.

It is 10:47am on 4/4/14, and I am so missing and missing and loving and loving you, my sweet Jamjar. To the moon and back and again and again and again.

It is 11:31am on 4/5/14, and I so long for you, my Bear. I love and miss you always.

It is 12:27pm on 4/6/14, and the further we get into spring, the sadder I get, Bear. You are my everything. I love and miss you eternally.

It is 6:49pm on 4/7/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 7:46pm on 4/8/14, and I so love and miss you, Darling Shoney. To the moon and back and again and again.

It is 8:44am on 4/9/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Bear Bear.

It is 8:18pm on 4/10/14. It was a long day and I could not talk to my baby boy much but I thought about you constantly, like always. I love and miss you to distraction, Little Bear.

It is 10:19am on 4/11/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Boy Bear Bear Bear.

It is 10:53am on 4/12/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Sweet Shoney.

It is 2:42pm on 4/13/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back and again and again and again, Baby Boy.

It is 8:33pm on 4/14/14, and oh, how I love and miss you my darling baby Bear Bear. Without end, without rhyme, without reason, and without limits.

It is 9:26pm on 4/15/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Shoney.

It is 10:52am on 4/16/14, Little Bear, and I love and miss you unendurably.

It is 7:57pm on 4/17/14, and I love and miss you terribly, Sweet Bear Bear.

It is 9:03am on 4/18/14, and I so love and so miss you, Little Shoney Bear. To the moon and back and again and again and again.

It is 12:52pm on 4/19/14, and I dreamt about my sweet Bear last night. But I couldn't find of a Bear. I was so distraught. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 4:00pm on 4/20/14. Happy Easter, Little Bear. Mama was in Bellevue last night doing a response but she is home now and thinking about her sweet boy and loving and missing him so much. Last Easter we were still together and I didn't know just how little time was left. So much gladness you were mine but so much sadness that you are not here any more. My sweetest boy of boys.

It is 8:00am on 4/21/14, and I love and miss you without limits, sweet Bear Bear.

It is 7:21pm on 4/22/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Little Shoney Bear Bear Bear.

It is 10:33pm on 4/23/14. I love and miss you unendurably, sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 9:46am on 4/24/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back and again and again and again and again, sweet boy.

It is 10:48am on 4/25/14, and I love and miss you totally and completely, Darling Shoney.

It is 11:20am on 4/26/14, and I was so lonely for you last night, Bear. So many memories we'll never have together. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 12:35pm on 4/27/14. I dreamt about you briefly this morning and was so happy to see your darling face. I love and miss you so completely, Bear Bear.

It is 9:19am on 4/28/14, and I love and miss you without limits, sweet boy Bear Bear.

It is 9:39am on 4/29/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, my darling Shoney Bear.

It is 9:12am on 4/30/14, and I love and miss you unendurably, Sweet Bear.

It is 10:27pm on 5/1/14, and I have loved and missed you all day long, Little Bear. And as always, and will always, without limits.

It is 12:38pm on 5/2/14, your cousin Adrian Scott Bickley is two year's old today and I love my Little Bear and miss my Little Bear from dusk to dawn and over and over and over again.

It is 10:08am on 5/3/14, and I love and miss you unendurably, Sweet Little Shoney Bear Bear Bear.

It is 10:31am on 5/4/14, and I love and miss you without limits, my sweet Bear Boy.

It is 7:55pm on 5/5/14, and I love and miss you without end, Sweet Boy Bear.

It is 9:08am on 5/6/14, and I love and miss you so. Little Bear, you are my everything.

It is 9:28 on 5/7/14, just five more days until your birthday, sweet boy. I love and miss you unendurably, Baby Bear.

It is 9:29pm on 5/8/14, and I love and miss you without end, Bear Bear.

It is 10:49am on 5/9/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Shoney Bear. My darling baby boy.

It is 4:12pm on 5/10/14, and I so love and so miss you, Sweet Shoney. Without end, and without limits.

It is 11:37am on 5/11/14, and I love and miss you more than I can express, Baby Bear.

It is 9:22am on 5/12/14. Happy Birthday, Sweet Bear. You would have been ten years old today, my darling, darling boy. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 9:23am on 5/13/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, darling Bear Bear.

It is 7:07pm on 5/14/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Baby Shoney Bear.

It is 7:09am on 5/15/14, and I love and miss you without end, Sweet Boy Bear.

It is 10:11am on 5/16/14. You came to me in my dream this morning, sweet boy. I was so overjoyed to be able to pick you up and carry you around and love on you. In my dream you were not well, though maybe not as sick as you became toward the end. But you wanted to be with me, which flooded me with relief and happiness. I love you baby boy. Over and over and over again. And I miss you constantly.-===================1ddddddddddddddddsx (that was from Clodney)

It is 12:39pm on 5/17/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 12:46pm on 5/18/14, and I love and miss you without limits, darling baby Bear Bear Bear.

It is 9:29am on 5/19/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, sweet Bear.

It is 9:21am on 5/20/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, Baby Boy.

It is 9:54am on 5/21/14, and I love and miss you so, baby Bear. To infinity and beyond.

It is 9:22pm on 5/22/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, darling Shoney Bear.

It is 10:31am on 5/23/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back and again and again, sweet Baby Boy.

It is 8:49am on 5/24/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Boy Bear.

It is 12:41pm on 5/25/14. Little Bear, last year at this time you were going through the PU surgery ordeal. I had hoped that all would be well after that, but things eventually got much worse than I could have imagined. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and not a moment goes by that I don't love and miss you eternally. My darling, darling Bear Bear.

It is 11:31am on 5/26/14, one year to the day that I brought you home to recuperate after your PU surgery. I am missing and loving you more than I can express, sweet Shoney. To the moon and back and again and again and again.

It is 6:25am on 5/27/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Darling Bear Bear Boy Boy. And also love love.

It is 11:41am on 5/28/14, and I love and miss you without end, sweet Bear Bear.

It is 11:35pm on 5/29/14, and I'm so lost and lonely without my darling boy. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 12:48pm on 5/30/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Sweet Bear.

It is 12:28pm on 5/31/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Darling Shoney.

It is 10:48am on 6/1/14, and I so love and so miss you, my darling sweet Jamjar. Can't believe this time last year you were still with me and I was hopeful for the future. I love and miss you to the moon and back and again and again and again, Bear Bear.

It is 9:23am on 6/2/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Sweet Bear.

It is 9:41am on 6/3/14, and I love and miss you without limits, Bear Bear.

It is 9:44am on 6/4/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, Darling Boy.

It is 3:11pm on 6/5/14, and I love and miss you so, sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 10:34pm on 6/6/14, and I love and miss you without limits, sweet Bear Bear.

It is 11:16am on 6/7/14. I can't believe a year has passed since the time I thought with enough careful care, you'd be with me for years to come. I so regret all I did, did not, and messed up concerning you, Sweet Boy. My darling sweet Jamjar Kitty Bear Bear. I love and miss you endlessly.

It is 3:23pm on 6/8/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, Darling Bear Bear.

It is 4:27pm on 6/9/14, and I love and miss you to the moon and back and again and again and again, Sweet Boy Boy.

It is 8:44am on 6/10/14, and I love and miss you without end, sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 5:58pm on 6/11/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, my sweetest Shoney Bear.

It is 12:08pm on 6/12/14, and I love and miss you without end, sweet Darling Boy.

It is 12:56pm on 6/13/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, Darling Shoney.

It is 4:21pm on 6/14/14, and I love and miss you incredibly, sweet boy Bear Bear.

It is 1:55pm on 6/15/14, and I had a dream about kitties last night but you weren't in it. I wanted you to be, but you weren't. I even thought in my half-awake state that you should be in my dream and wondered why you wouldn't show up. I love and miss you so much, baby boy. My Shoney Lake Effects Bear.

It is 4:44pm on 6/16/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, darling Shoners Beloners.

It is 1:51pm on 6/17/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly, Bear Bear Boy Boy Boy.

It is 1:00pm on 6/18/14, and I love and miss you limitlessly. Sweet Bear, you were in my dream this morning!!!!!!!!!!!! You and another cat, I am not sure which one, to be truthful. But you came, darling baby boy, you came to see Mama. I am sooooo happy, darling Bear Bear.

It is 1:34pm on 6/19/14, and I love and miss you without end, Darling Baby Bear.

It is 1:59pm on 6/20/14, and I love and miss you incredibly, sweet Bear Bear.

It is 3:43pm on 6/21/14, and I love and miss you so, Shoney Bear. Please pray for Gabriel.

It is 2:31pm on 6/22/14, and I might not be posting here for a few days, Bear Bear. Something is going on with Gabriel, not sure what, please pray that he is going to be A-ok. I love and miss you incredibly, darling boy, but I feel I must concentrate on the little one. You are always in my thoughts, baby boy.

It is 11:07pm on 6/23/14, and Clodney's labs came back normal! I'm so happy because I adore Clodney. I love and miss you always, darling Shoney Bear.

It is 9:16pm on 6/24/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, sweet Jamjar.

It is 7:17pm on 6/25/14, and I love and miss you completely, baby boy.

It is 12:08pm on 6/26/14, and I love and miss you totally, Darling Shoney.

It is 9:43am on 6/27/14, and I love and miss my darling boy. Last night I finally emptied out the carton of chicken broth that I had opened not long before I had you put to sleep. It made me feel so empty and sad. I cried and cried, asking you to please not really be gone. But you are really gone. It makes me so sad.

It is 1:08pm on 6/28/14, and I will be in Idaho for a week with Clodney, Bear, so I might not get a chance to talk to you each day here. But please know I will be thinking about you and missing and loving you as always. I love and miss you without limits, sweet baby Shoney Bear boy boy boy.

It is 2:34 pm on 7/8/14, and I love and miss you so very, very much, darling Sweet Shoney Bear.

It is 10:19pm on 7/9/14, and I love and miss you endlessly, darling Shoney Bear.

It is 11:16pm on 7/10/14, and I'm longing for and loving on my darling boy.

It is 2:58pm on 7/25/14, and it has been a long time since I've talked to my sweet boy here. I talk to you every day on FB, but I miss coming here. You know I decided to pay more attention to Clodney, since time with a loved kitty is so precious and we never know what is to come. But I think about you every day, and love and miss you like crazy, darling Jimjamjar.

It is 11:13pm on 8/20/14, one year exactly to the last night of your life. If I'd only known then what I know now, I would have waited as long as I possibly could before taking such a drastic step. It has been such a lonely life without you, my sweetest boy. I love you and miss you so much. You are the best kitty I've ever known, and I was so lucky to have had you for my own. My darling Shoney Bear. I am so sorry I failed you. I love and miss you without limits.

It is 10:54am on 8/7/15, and I miss my baby boy all the time. I talk to you every day, baby kitty. I miss and love you endlessly.

It is 11:02pm on 8/20/15, and tomorrow it will be two years since you went to the Bridge. I'm so grateful for every moment I had with you, and I miss and love you more than I can express, Bear Bear. Please come see me in my dreams. You are my precious boy, always and forever.