There's an absence of peace from my heart and life. My world has lost a wonderful little man with Big Blue Eyes.

..........................Worry in My Eyes.....(5/06)........

My sweet little man
Appetite go awry
I look into your beautiful blue eyes
reflects the worry in my eyes.

My calm gentle Shadow
Energy ever so low
You efforts to offer a kitty smile
Turns on the worry in my eyes.

My precious feline friend
Kidney failure leaves you ill
Fluid, pills and blood draws
Proclaim the worry in my eyes.

Each day a bonus day
Kidney and Pancreatic woes
Replace health and life
Fills the worry in my eyes

Kitty Hugs and Kisses
Few justified hisses
Tears roll down my cheek
Releases the worry in my eyes.

My love for you my little Shadow man
From moment to moment
Hope for another day with you
Easing the worry in my eyes.

I love you my dear Shadow Man!!!!!!!
I'm sorry
For the worry in my eyes!!!!

Last night when I came home from work Shadow greeted me at the door for the first time in a long time, then he laid under my feet at the computer and rested.........I told him how much I enjoyed being greeted and having him nearby. I gave him Sub Q fluids about 8:00pm and he tolerated them ok even though his breathing was not totally normal. I fed him at 10:00p.m. and again at 2:30a.m. After feeding him at 2:30 he waltz down the hall to hang out in his bowl in the bedroom. At 7:00 a.m, this morning, his breathing was in trouble again with some open mouth breathing. He had a follow-up appt with Dr. Bell at 10:30 for X-rays due to the fluid around his lungs and heart diagnosed Saturday. He was resting in his bowl in the living room when his littermates, Sami and Blue Angel came. This raised my BP as they tend to greet after returning from the vet's...not going..... The last few weeks, the trio, have been seen more together more often. Sami had been hovering nearby more which I was glad to see but created an uneasy eerie feeling.

Shadow's X-rays and blood work came back with a horrific scenario. When the techs put the X-rays up, it was obvious they were worse since Saturday. When I said these look bad, the techs exited quickly getting Dr. Bell. Shadow had pneumonia, fluid retention, creatinine, phos levels had increased. The only good news was his HCT and PCV were improved with the Epogen. This information was so hard to hear after seeing this little man with perky moments last night. Dr. Bell and I discussed the treatment options which included sedation for a feeding tube with pneumonia....I knew risky. I asked the tough questions knowing the answers would be hard..Shadow's vet, Dr. Bell, is now sitting verses standing to talk with me for the first time since becoming Shadow's doctor.

I spent time alone with Shadow and made the toughest decision I've had to make since Shadow's metacam induced diagnosis of kidney disease. I knew the fluids around his heart/lungs, pneumonia, decreased tolerance of Sub Q's, increased creatinine, phosphorous levels were now asking so much of him. I had no promise he would survive sedation/pnuemonia and the concern he may die home alone drowning in fluids gave me horrible visual images. I decided to allow Shadow to leave in my arms peacefully. I hoped I would be able to tell him bye, comfort him without tears and let his last experience with me be calm. I had sniffles, and remained calm until the sedative began to work and then I held him until his last breath and afterwards... and cried and cried and cried and cried and now it feels like I will cry forever now. Shadow looked so peaceful and I realized just how stressed this little man had been for some time now. Shadow's regular vet tech, Mo, appeared with a camera and took pictures I'll forever cheerish. (Thank you.) We trimmed a few locks of fur and I specially chose some fur from around his heart because Shadow was a cat with such a huge heart. This was a sad day a the vet clinic. I held, kissed, caressed Shadow and looked into his beautiful blue eyes. It was so hard to give up his soft, furry body to leave with an empty carrier.

I'll be picking Shadow's body up from Murphy Road next Wednesday and take it for cremation. He'll have a private cremation and come back home with me where I'll have him forever. Shadow's picture will be added to a memory wall along with copies of "Worry in My Eyes" and "KatMom."

.................KATMOM........(5/06).......................

Katmom, when you look into my beautiful blue eyes, see my love
I know when you give me pills, you make me feel better
When you squirt the water gently into my mouth
You help my medicine safely make its way to my tummy.

Katmom, when I shuffle by your legs, please feel my love
I want you to know I love you too
When you pick me up for a hug and kiss
Your touch warms my fur for the day.

Katmom, when I growl, please know I love you
The needle stick hurts me, not you
Remember, after a few minutes I purr more often
I know the fluids you are injecting make me feel better.

Katmom, when I extend my paw from my sleeping bowl
It's my touch of love to you
Even when I'm sleeping soundly in my bowl
My beautiful blue eyes see you in my dreams.

Katmom, I've been making more memories of you lately
Many are loving, some are funny and a few annoying
I don't like the syringe feedings, being stalked by my litter box
But the finger feedings of lamb and pea under the bed
Clean litter for all my peeing, hugs and kisses are the best.

Katmom, I still love you when I have to go to the vet
blood draws, x-rays, poking and prodding helps take care of me.
We know tomorrow is a big day, the question IBD or lymphoma
No matter what the diagnosis, Katmom, I'll always love you.

Katmom, one day soon or even a day sometime later,
My pancreatitis, failing kidneys or even lymphoma may take me away
Please know how much I love you, my Katmom,
Years of great memories and gratitude will go with me
Not just the memories of the time I didn't feel well.

Katmom, only cry a little on the days I'm here and less after I leave,
Remember, I'll always let you know how much I love you.
Just hold my paw, kiss my head and look into my beautiful blue eyes
See my love and feel my thanks for all my memories.

Love,
Shadow.

Shadow, I love you so much. When the hurt of losing you eases, I'll come back and write about all the wonderful memories before you became sick as there are many. You days/nights sleeping in your bowl, being the centerpiece on the table in your bowl with friends who enjoyed your presence, your imaginative stalking and chasing prey through out the house, you sneaking a sniff of Christmas cookies with only flour on your nose to give it away, Your hummping after you must have read "The Cat Who Cried For Help," and discovery of your best opportunity was when I was asleep," you're somersauts playing with da, bird, your curiosity, your love of boxes and moving, your Christmas time enjoyment, your ability to almost fly from cathouse to top of wall units, your playfulness with your siblings Blue Angel and Sami, your morning cuddly nuzzling as you chewed on my wet hair, your company while getting ready for work and your "help" in doing laundry, your gentleness and calm temperament, your volunteering for grooming when Koko and Sunshine wanted freedom, being featured in my professional presentations helping to tell the story of Mary Ellen and that you would have protectin when children didn't in the late 1800's.....more and more and more......Thanks for being such a wonderful little feline man with gorgeous Blue Eyes in My Life. I'm so sorry what you had to go through you last 10 months of life.....I hope you know everything I did was because I tried to help you. I hope you were truly relieved when I decided to do any more seem to ask too much of you. If there truly is a bridge, you go meet up with Sugar, Sunshine and Tiger. Thanks for a wonder 14 years, 5 months and 9 days. I love so much and miss you.
Bye, little Shadow Man with the greatest Blue Eyes.
I LOVE YOU,

Mr. Shadow Baby Kitkat-Gray (6-20-1992-11-29-2006)

December 1st Dr. Bell and staff at Murphy Road sent flowers in your memory. They include three red roses. The flowers are beautiful and the thoughtfulness is very nice. I'll dry the roses to keep with your cremains. I'm so glad we found Murphy Road and Dr. Bell. He truly cared for and about you. I always remember Pam saying she could never get your chart because Dr. Bell always had it. It seemed he always thinking what he could do next to help you. If only we had found Dr. Bell first!!!!

Shadow's Cremation was today December 6, 2006 at 1:30PM.

I picked Shadow up at the vet's. He was wrapped in plastic which broke my heart. I took Shadow out of the plastic. Pam and I wrapped Shadow in a pretty sparkly aqua colored soft blanket I purchased soon after his diagnosis of Kidney Disease.

I took Shadow to the crematory where I awaited for the cremation to begin, I took Shadow out of the blanket, held him and petted him spending my final moments with his body. His fur was so very soft. I carried him to the crematory, kissed him on the head, handed him to Chuck and watched as he was placed for his cremation.

I put pictures of Shadow and poems on the crematory's memory wall. The pictures are directly over the doorway to the crematory, so anytime anyone passes under the door if they look up they will see Shadow. Shadow loved being high up and looking down when someone walked by.

I stood in the doorway much of the time during Shadow's cremation and just thought about the 14 years and the tough last 10 months. I know he was dearly loved and hope he knew all he went through during his kidney disease was out of love as well.

I watched as Shadow was removed from the crematory, his cremains processed and placed into his urn. I brought him home to take his forever Memorial Place beside of Sunshine who died January 21, 2006.

As I drove home, tears again were streaming down my face, I thought of Shadow wrapped in plastic and how difficult that was for me associating the plastic with garbage......then I remembered all the times Shadow would try to get into plastic bags, and how I found him in a large plastic bag covering a house plant while unpacking from our move.........If Shadow could have planned ahead, he would have requested the plastic bag, nicely wrapped with the hearts drawn on the tape. He would have been pleased. I could only smile as I remembered having to rescue this little man from a couple of plastic bags and quickly learned they must stay out of his reach.

I was with Shadow from his birth.....cutting his cord listening to him cry for his feline mother..through many wonderful times of play, sleep and celebration, when he took his last breath.....until his little tired body became cremains.
This little feline man with Big Blue Eyes has forever etched his little paw prints into my heart. I do and will always miss him very much. I'm forever grateful for the 14.5 years of his life and so glad to have him back home eventhough it is not in the form I wish for.

He truly is precious and I can only hope that my heart may one day heal.

......................SHADOW............(12/25/2006).............

Born June 20, 1992, a tiny white kitten to mama Koko
littermate to Blue Angel and Sami
Temperament of a docile, sweet, loving feline
seldom frustrated, typically gentle, loudly purring
a little kitty man with beautiful blue eyes

Imaginative play without a competitor
leaping somersaults for favored 'da bird
Mad chases through the house with humorous fervor
clarity of prey visible to the observer

Photographic celebrity of professional presentations
teaching Mary Ellen's child abuse fate
Protection achieved through early animal cruelty law
taught kindness to animal and child alike

Reclining in a bowl for a restorative nap
centerpiece on the dining room table
Bed of choice, object of play
savored place over a precious lifetime

Birthdays and Katmas celebrated each year
creating many memories and photos to share
Catnip the chosen antidote for pleasure
eating, romping, rolling and frolicking delight

Fourteen years, five months, nine days of precious life
stoically met the challenge of renal disease
Missed each Moment, Forever Loved, Never to be Forgotten
Powerful pawprints deeply etched into our hearts
Goodbye our little Shadow Man, Goodbye, I cry.

...............................Shadow, we love you. Since your brief little life can only come one time, know I am forever thankful it was in my lifetime you came.........Love you.....Katmom.

Sami is missing you, he goes from your sleeping bowl, to fluid carrier, your carrier, and cries through out the night many times. When I let him sniff your fur, he tried to eat it, I hope he can find peace and his sweet little heart will not forever be broken.

For Christmas, I put candles in all the windows.......to send a light of love from my heart to yours, Sunshine's Sugar's and Tigers. You are so loved and missed.........If I could bring you back home healthy!
*************Love you!!!!!!

JUNE 20, 2009 Shadow, today is your birthday. You would be 17 years old today along with Sami and Blue Angel. You deserved to have your birthdays until your life ended naturally. I'm so sorry you are not with your littermates today celebrating your 17th birthday. Sami has been sleeping in your "baby bed." Sometimes when I see a glimpse of him in the doll bed, for a moment it's like you are back. Sami does a great job representing you in the doll bed. I gave you a kiss in your urn today. Happy Birthday my Shadow Baby KitKat. I love and miss you.

June 20,2010 Shadow, today is your birthday. You would have been 18 years old. I remember the moment you, Blue Angel and Sami were born. Truly a special time. Not a time I anticipated keeping a litter of kittens but very glad I did. I miss your huge big blue eyes and your gentle nature. This year you are remembered with a special butterfly. Rest in peace, my kitty with the biggest heart ever! Love and miss you.

..................................................................................................
November 29, 2010. Shadow, your death came 5 years ago today. A limited sense of Justice finally came 5 year later. After losing you to Metacam induced kidney failure, I hope other precious cats whould not suffer a similiar fate. I told your story many times frequently stating Metacam should have a Black Box Warning because of the kidney failure risks to cats. Shadow, the literature showing kidney risks was available and minimized when you were given metacam. You should have been protected and never recieved metacam. At minimal, your kidney failure should have been diagnosed and treated. Your sibling Blue Angel lived until May 2010 and Sami survives you 5 years out. You pawprints still run across the surface of my heart and your memories live within. Hopefully, cats are now safe from metacam!

FDA Announces Addition of Boxed Warning to METACAM® (meloxicam) Labels
October 27, 2010

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced today the addition of a boxed warning to the label of two METACAM® (meloxicam) products. The drug's manufacturer, Boehringer Ingelheim Vetmedica, Inc. (B.I.V.I.), changed the label to include:

WARNING

Repeated use of meloxicam in cats has been associated with acute renal failure and death. Do not administer additional injectable or oral meloxicam to cats. See Contraindications, Warnings, and Precautions for detailed information.

You were such a sweet kitty, will love you daily and miss you always.

Katmom!

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June 20, 2012 Thinking of you today....it would have been your 20th birthday...had metacam not came
into your life I have to wonder if you might have had a long life to 20, you died the youngest of your biological kitty family. My heart will always feel pain because of metacam's toxicity to you. You
deserved better, I'm so sorry I didn't know better. I sure love you. You were the best kitty ever.
Sometimes, Mystic reminds me so much of you...so very relaxed and laid back....sweet peaceful kitty!
Happy Birthday..today might have been yours. Love you my dear Shadow Baby KitKat.
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Please also visit Blue Angel KitKat, Koko Macadamia KitKat, Sami Clovis KitKat, Sugar, Sunshine and Tiger.