Fast forward a year later when you weren't able to have more puppies and the breeders didn't want you. 2 years old and had already been through 3 litters. Shame on them. My poor sweet sweet girl. I would LOVE to have her I said. Best decision of my life. You joined us and were very timid at first. You didn't remember Dakota as your pup and it took you awhile to warm up to all of us. But, warm up you did. You loved being in a home where you weren't just stuck in a crate and only allowed out to breed and give birth. From day one you slept in my bed,and were spoiled and loved until your very last breath.

I miss how when I would come home from work you would make these Sissy sing song noises that only you could make. I could hear you as soon as my key was in the door. Koda would snort snort and you would sing! You even did your little mouth in an O shape. Cutest thing ever! You then ALWAYS had to grab the closest thing to put in your mouth to bring to me. A glove, a shoe, a toy, whatever was laying close by. Oh how I miss that my sweet baby.

And also when I would come home you always wanted to "root root" on the bed. ALWAYS! It was our routine. I would say "ok girls! Let's go root root!" And you would run like the wind with your little nails click clicking on the hardwood floor, sometimes slip sliding around the corner and into the bedroom, and jump up on the bed and roll around with your tummy in the air and rub your paws all over your face. And then of course you would do your Sissy sing song again! I bet you are singing in Heaven right now aren't you sweetheart? And of course I would then sing to you as I kissed your tummy. I would sing to both of you one at a time "Sissy tummy, Dakota tummy!" And I would kiss, kiss, kiss while you rubbed your little face. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to kiss that tummy just once more.

Then as the years went on you just started to have so many things go wrong didn't you baby? First all of your skin allergies that just made you so miserable, finally figuring out that you were allergic to just about everything. Dust, grass, trees...crazy. But, you took your daily pills like a champ and were always just sweet and happy and always such a lover and a snuggler. Remember after baths how you used to love to jump up by me on the couch and Koda would lay on my lap and you would snuggle your little face into my side and let me cover you with a blanky until you fell asleep? Such a sweet girl.

Then it happened...you got sick with all of those bladder infections and I really really did not believe the Dr. when he said the C word. You always tried to be happy and were so protective of me and Dakota and I just don't think you ever wanted us to know you were in pain or anything at all was wrong. You continued up until that last week to go on walks which you LOVED so much you would sing song as soon as I grabbed your harness to go outside. You would still eat your much loved chicken jerky right before bed which when you heard me get the bag and say "Sissy it's time for our chicken in bed!" You would run like the wind singing all the way to the bedroom.

But, then your back started to look so funny and you started losing weight and you just seemed so "off". I sensed something was wrong, I just did. And then boom that last week...worst of my life. Your breathing got so labored and shallow and your little heart was going a mile a minute. You wouldn't eat a bite, not even your favorite jerky. My heart just sank. I knew it was bad. Dr. couldn't help you and everything we tried just made you worse. For 4 straight days I watched you struggle to breathe and shiver with pain and not eat and just lay there. It broke my heart and I couldn't let my sweet baby girl suffer anymore. You had lost the battle. The horrid cancer had won.

I held your sweet little face and whispered how much I love you until your last breath and you went to be with Jesus. I miss you so much and my tears are flowing but I know with all my heart that you are in Heaven right now running like the wind singing praises to the Lord in your Sissy sing song voice and there is no more pain and we will be together again soon.

Be a good girl my Sis! Mama can't wait to run to you and hear you come running to me singing all the way! Love you so very much!!

10/23/13

Hi Sis...it's been exactly two months today since you left me and I'm having such a hard day missing you. The finality of you being gone and the grief that it causes me is bonebreaking. I just ache to hold you and kiss you one more time. I pray every night through my tears that you know how much I loved you and that I only wanted your suffering to end. I pray that you didn't think I didn't want you here with me any longer as I would give anything to have you back, even for just one more day. I just couldn't bear to watch you trying to breathe and watch your little heart beating so fast and you shivering with pain. But, oh how I miss you so!

I wish it all hadn't happened so fast that last week, and that I had gotten more time to prepare for the shock and overwhelming feeling of having my heart ripped from my soul as soon as your breath left your body. It physically hurts to my very core to know I won't stroke your fur or kiss your little nose again.

I hate driving home from work every day knowing you won't be there to greet me with your sing song voice. Koda has been going to daycare cause she is so very lonely without you at home so that has been really good for her, but it is so so sad for both of us when we get home and it's so quiet.

Be a good girl my sweetheart up in Heaven with Jesus. Play with all your friends and have a wonderful time and Mama and Koda will see you soon. We miss you so much and can't wait to see you baby girl.

Love you Sissy!!

11/4/13

Hi Sis....Last Friday was 10 weeks since you've been gone. I had a really rough weekend. I hate the guilt that keeps creeping in. What if I had just taken you to the other vet for the ultrasound? Was there anything at all that they could have done to save you? Anything the other vet missed? Maybe the cancer wasn't as advanced as he thought or by some miracle what if it wasn't cancer at all?

I broke down so many times this weekend in pain and aching sobs just wanting one more chance to do it all over. To try different things and just have one more chance to hold you and kiss you and tell you I love you. Mama is so sorry sweetheart. Please forgive me if I was wrong. I just couldn't stand to see you suffering and did not want you to die all alone when I was gone.

God has been with me through all of this even when I cry out to Him "why" and I'm angry and despairing, I know He never leaves me and I will continue to always go to Him for my comfort. I know He holds you in the palm of His hand and that you are ok and happy. I choose to hear the voice of truth and will hold tight to that until I see you again sweet girl.

Lord, please hug my Sis and let her know how much I love her and please let her know that I only wanted to free her from her pain and I can't wait to see her again and I will never let her go again...ever.

Love you my Sis!

11/14/13

12 weeks tomorrow my baby. I can't believe it. It still feels like it just happened. I miss you so much! I have had a couple of dreams about you and they feel so real like you are really there. I can feel your fur and hear your little nails clicking on the floor and the joy in my heart to hold you, even if it's only in my dreams, is so overwhelming and floods my soul.

I'm still struggling with my guilt but am trying very hard to pray and listen to God's voice and to know that I did the right thing for you and that you weren't going to get better no matter what I tried. That it only would have prolonged your suffering more just to have you here with me a little longer. But, oh how the selfish part of me just wants more time. Just one more day to hold you and tell you how much I love you.

I'm so sorry you got sick. I hate this disease that took you away from me. And I'm so sorry I didn't do more earlier on that might have helped you be with me longer. Forgive me my little one for not noticing the signs earlier before you got so bad. I would do anything for just one more chance to try again. A do over. I just ache to have you one more day.

Please be a good girl in Heaven and have fun with all your friends playing and singing and praising the Lord with your sing song voice. I will be there to be with you soon baby girl!

Jesus, love on my baby and hold her in your arms and tell her mama loves her so much, to the moon and back. Keep her warm and safe until we meet again for ever and ever. Thank you for loving your creatures and keeping them safe in your loving arms.

Mama loves you Sissy!!

11/22/13

3 months tomorrow my love since you've been gone. So, long yet, still feels like yesterday. I remember when I would go somewhere and have to leave you overnight, that the longest I could go without seeing you and Koda was 4 nights. NEVER have I been separated longer than that from you two until now. I miss you so much my body is aching. Every morning that I get up and you aren't here is like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. It is torture.

Unfortunately in the last couple of weeks I have been worse than ever. The guilt of my choice is consuming me and I am trying SO hard to convince myself that it was the right decision and that you weren't going to get better. But, oh how I don't want that to be true and I want you home and want life the way it used to be and it never will be.

I am trying very hard sweetheart to just remember that no matter what "could have been" if I had made different choices that last week, that you are now out of all of the pain you were in. Jesus loves you and is caring for you until I can be with you again. And He also loves me and gives me peace when I'm inconsolable. The spirit of God has been in my soul and I feel Him and know He is with me. It's the only thing that gets me through each day.

I love you baby. Be a good girl..sing song to the Lord, run like the wind, play and be happy and Mama will see you soon.

Love you my Sissy root root girl!

12/5/13

Hi my sweet girl. Tomorrow is 15 weeks since you've been gone. Miss you so so much! Thanksgiving was super hard this year without you and I can't even get in the mood for Christmas. I guess it's true what they say, that the holidays are rough when we are missing our babies. I suppose it's because it's such a joyful time and a time for family and togetherness and part of my family..you..is not here and it takes away all of the joy for me.

I pray that someday I will think of you without crying and will be able to smile at all of the wonderful memories of our brief time together and won't just concentrate on your last days. You were so much more than just that last week of your life. You were the sweetest most loving little girl and I just miss your snuggles and loves every second.

I love you so much Sissy and want to hug you so bad it hurts. Be a good girl my sweetheart and have a very Merry Christmas celebrating with Jesus. He is the reason for the season and the reason I will be able to see you again someday. I can't wait baby girl.

Mama loves you to the moon and back!!

12/13/13

16 weeks today my sweet Sissy. It still feels so unreal. I don't think I will ever get used to coming home and you not being there. I so wish it was just a bad dream. It just does not feel like it should be true that you're gone. I can't wrap my mind around it and to be honest I don't want to. Because if I accept the fact that you're never coming back, I think I may lose it.

I'm really struggling again with second guessing my decision to let you go. I just wish I would have fought on and got a second opinion to see if there was anything left that we could do to save you but, oh little one you were suffering so much and I couldn't stand to see you like that.

I just love you so much my Sis and I want you to know that. I think about you every second of every day and I miss you so so much. Please know that Mama just couldn't bear to see her baby suffer. It was breaking my heart watching you struggle to breathe and the effort it was causing you and to see you in so much pain.

Sis, I know you are safe with Jesus now and are happy and I am trying to remember that. I just ache for you so bad and especially now during the holidays so it's a tough time for me. Please just be a good girl and have lots of fun playing and being loved and I will be there soon. Can't wait to kiss that sweet little face and I will never ever let you go! Ever!

Love you little one!

12/18/13

Hi Baby girl! I don't want this to be a long letter today going over and over how much I'm hurting and miss you. That's just a given and is an every day thing. A hole that I don't know if ever will be filled. Same with the guilt. It's just absolutely crushing my love, and it's always there.

No..today, I just wanted to visit you. Just come to your site and listen to music and pray and look at your pictures and just "be" with you. I miss you so much my little one. Koda misses you too. Most of the time she seems happy, but other times she just licks and licks her little toes and I know it comforts her. Makes me sad. I wish there was something I could do for her, but I know she just wants you. We both do.

Well I promised I wouldn't go on and on today with this letter, lamenting over the guilt and pain. I just wanted you to know I love you so much, I think of you ever second and I just wanted to visit and soak up your memory. I love you more than I can ever write in words.

I will come visit again soon my sweets...my life...my soul. Love you so so much! Sing song with Jesus my love!

Love Mama

12/25/13

Merry Christmas my sweet girl! I miss you so much today on this my first Christmas without you. I hope you are enjoying your first Christmas in Heaven with Jesus! I can't even imagine how wonderful it must be. The 23rd was the 4 month anniversary of you leaving for Heaven and it was so very hard and I had such a rough night missing you, but God is so faithful my love. He always gives me peace when I don't think I can go on another minute feeling this pain of missing you. Because even though it's Christmas, all I can think of right now is how happy you must be on this wonderful day. It's because of what Jesus did on this day 2000 years ago by coming to earth as a baby to be my Savior, that allows me to have the opportunity to see you again someday. Oh Sis, have fun today singing glory to God in the highest with the angels! I love you so so much!

1/2/14

Happy New Year my sweet girl! Oh I miss you so so much! Mama and Koda and the kitties are moving into a new house next month and I so so wish you could come with us. I was packing boxes last night and the tears were just falling thinking how you would have loved this new house. But you know what Sis? You are in the most beautiful house there is! You are with Jesus walking on streets of gold and you will never again have to be here in pain on this earth.

I just miss you so much every second still my sweet Sicily bo Bicily. I want to give you a hug so bad it hurts. Please just always remember how much I love you, and that I only always wanted to do what was best for you. I just didn't want you to suffer one more little second. If I had thought for one minute that you could have been saved, and if Dr. had given me an ounce of hope, I wouldn't have done what I did. I promise with everything that I am my baby. One ounce of hope and I would have kept fighting. No matter what. But, he said there was nothing more to be done. And I'm crushed...4 months later...still.

But, God's promises are true. It is impossible for God to lie and I know He is taking care of you this very minute and I will give you that hug again soon sweetheart. Have so much fun my sweet girl. Run like the wind!!

Love you to the moon and back mama's girl!!

1/23/14

Good morning my sweet Sis Sis! It's 5 months today that you have been gone. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever feel better baby girl. Last night was super hard. I just ached with my whole being to hold you and hug and kiss you. I miss you so much I can't even stand it sometimes. I'm consumed with thoughts of you every minute and the what ifs are overwhelming.

Unfortunately baby, I'm thinking I may never get over the fact that I didn't do a second opinion. I feel as if I rushed due to the suffering I was watching you go through, and the emotions I was dealing with, and the Dr. saying there was no more to be done, and not wanting you to die alone when I went back to work, that I acted way to soon without giving you a chance to fight. I panicked Sister and I am so so sorry. I hate myself for not sitting back, taking a breath, and thinking about all options before giving up.

Maybe the other Dr. could have suggested something. Maybe clearing up your bladder infection would have made a difference. Dr. says the infection was a moot point considering the amount of cancer cells and how bad you were doing. But, what if it wasn't? What if you could have been saved? I will never forgive myself for not making sure with another test and another opinion. Never.

I love you so so much little one. Please forgive me. I would do anything to have you back and I'm so sorry.

Please Dear Lord, love on my Sis and shower her with kisses. She is such a good girl and she deserves the very best that Heaven can offer her. Please tell her how much I love her and can't wait until I hold her in my arms again. Please hold her in YOUR arms until that day. Thank you Jesus.

I love you my sweet girl...forever.
Mama

1/29/14

Hi my sweet baby girl! You will never guess what God did for me this weekend. I have been so distraught sweetheart. I was at the lowest point ever and wasn't sure how I could keep going on feeling the way I was. It was becoming obsessive and terrible. But, The Lord knows when we can't handle anymore and He is so faithful and caring and knows us even better than we know ourselves because even though it was the last thing on my mind and was absolutely not what I was planning, He brought another little one to me and she came home to live with me and Dakota on Saturday.

You would love her Sis. Her name is Chloe and she is really little and comes from a very neglectful and abusive situation but she is super sweet and actually some little things she does reminds me of you sometimes. I just know with how sweet and motherly you always were that you would be loving on her and showing her the ropes right now if you were here. You were such a sweet soul and I just know you would have loved her like your own little pup. Just like you did with Dakota.

I did cry when I brought her home because it made me feel a little bit like I was letting you go and moving on and I am so not ready to let you go. But, I do know she was a gift from God and He wanted me to take her home that day. I believe it with my whole heart and so far she has been a blessing and has given some light back into Dakota's eyes and my heart.

We both still miss you so very much my love, and I still think about you every single second and Chloe is NOT replacing you. She is in addition to you. She needed a loving home and I needed another little one to love and Koda needed another friend. She has added a light in the darkness that we have been living in and I just thank God that He brought her to us.

Sis, I just love you so much and I can't wait to hug you. You are my sweet little root root girl and always will be. I love you to the moon and back my baby, and instead of obsessing over your death, I'm going to choose to celebrate your life. The one you had with me for 6 years and the life you are living now...the wonderful amazing life with your Creator and protector. Stay warm and safe in the arms of Jesus Sis and I will see you soon!

2/7/14

Good morning sweetheart. I just wanted to stop in and say hi and tell you I've been thinking about you the last couple of days so much. I've been super busy with Chloe because she is very high maintenance (LOL) which is good because it keeps my mind occupied, but boy does she do some of the things you used to do. It's so crazy. God sure knows what he's doing to bring me another little one who has a little bit of you in her. I thought it would make me sad, but it makes me smile. It brings back all of the good memories when she does some of these things instead of me always obsessing about that last horrible week of your life.

She does this crazy spin in circles barky thing when I come home from work that reminds me so much of your Sissy sing song voice when I would come home. I have missed that SO much. Koda is a little quiet excited snorter. She's not as loud, and I really missed your loud singing. So I'm loving Chloe's similar voice. It will never be you, but It makes me remember you and I love it.

She also pottys just like you did which is so strange. She does the Sissy walking poopies. Remember that? You would go, walk a little, go a little more and so on. So silly and I've NEVER seen another little one do that except you until now. Makes me think of you and laugh when she does it. I haven't thought about you with a laugh and a smile in so long Sis, and that's why I know this is such a blessing and God brought Chole to me on purpose.

I really do miss you my love. So much. But, at least I don't obsess as much anymore. I know you are having so much fun and no longer have any pain and that's all I am choosing to focus on now. I love you so much baby. To the moon and back and as big as the sky. Never forget that. Enjoy Heaven my sweets and come run to me and give me your Sissy kisses as soon as you see me! I can't wait!

Love you Sister!!

2/21/14

Hi my sweetheart. Well, in two days, on Sunday it will be 6 months that you have been gone. As the day starts getting closer and closer just like it does every month, I'm starting to really feel sad again. I miss you so much. More than anything.

We just moved into our new house last week and Sis I think you would love it. It's got these stairs that Koda loves to run up and down. It's funny to watch her cause she's so fat that she kind of hops. Cracks me up. But, I think it will help her take off a few pounds at least. LOL. Chloe has more trouble since her little legs are messed up but I just carry her up and down when she's tired. I think you and Koda would have loved chasing each other up and down. I can see it in my mind some days and it makes me cry. I just wish you could have come with us.

I have started to have the what ifs again a little bit. I am trying super hard to stop the thoughts as soon as they enter my mind though because I just can't go back to that place again my love. As much as I would do anything to have you back, it just can never be and I can't allow my mind to torture me anymore over whether I was wrong or right in the decisions I made that week for you. It was the worst most horrible time of my life and ended in your death and it rips me apart to my very soul if I obsess over it too long.

But, I don't ever ever want to forget you or let you go and never will. You are always in my heart and on my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and I can still feel you and smell you. I just need to keep praying that God gives me ways to have these memories of you that are positive and warm and happy and not just sad and obsessive and regretful. I hope you understand my love. For my health and sanity I can't second guess and go over and over what happened. I have to choose to believe that it was not ending your life but instead ending your pain and allowing you to have a new life. A new life with your creator in paradise.

Sis, Mama loves you so much. Jesus protect my girl. She's the sweetest most loving pup and she deserves the best that you will allow her in Heaven. Please keep her safe and warm and tell her how much I love her and miss her and can't wait to see her again.

Love you sweet Sissy...so very much!
Mama

3/5/14

Hi my sweet Sissy! Just wanted to stop in to see you. I'm missing you so much today baby girl. I think now that things are settled in the house and with Chloe, and all the busyness is quieting down, I have more time to think and it's making me miss you more than ever. Some days my love...wow. It's just so so hard to think I will never again hug you or kiss you on this earth. And will never see you laying beside me, snuggling me on the couch or running like the wind on your walk with your little crooked Sissy run. It actually gives me a stomach ache sometimes because I just want you back so very much.

God has been faithful still though my sweets. He has shown me your face in the clouds more than once when I'm praying and crying out to him in my sadness. I even took a picture once and have it on my phone and can also see Paris in the clouds with you as well. I know you are both there and are safe and warm and so very happy and I'm SO GLAD! I am thrilled for you guys. I really am. It's me I'm sad for. I just want to hug you so bad it hurts.

Sis I just mostly pray that you forgive me. I know I should have done more for you. I know I should have helped you fight and should have gotten that second opinion and test. I know it would have helped you live longer and be with me longer. But, gosh sweetheart. I ached for you and the pain and suffering you were experiencing. I just wanted it to end. I couldn't bear to put you through more. But oh my...now I just wonder and wonder and fret and fret that had I done more, maybe just maybe you would still be with me. It's torture my love. And I don't know that I will ever forgive myself for giving up on you too soon.

Lord Jesus, please tell Sis I love her and I'm so very sorry. Please give her kisses and tummy kisses and keep her safe until I can see her again. I know you will Lord. She is precious to you and you created her. Thank you for your promises and being my Savior. It's because of YOU that I can be there with YOU and also can see my Sis again someday.

Sing song with the angels my sweet. Mama will visit again soon. You are always in my heart my love. Love you so much!!

3/19/14

Hi Sister!

Well...another anniversary of you going to Heaven is coming up on Sunday. It will be 7 months that you've been there with Jesus. I miss you so much baby girl. I just got back from a business trip and a couple of times on the plane I was pretty sure I was coming home to be with you. LOL. It was quite the scary flight.

I have been struggling a lot lately sweetheart...really going through those waves as the therapist mentioned. I am now in a stormy pattern I think and am just trying to ride them until the calm seas come again. I really have to force myself to not go into the deep pit of despair and regret and it isn't always easy. But, I just can't let myself go there again Sis. As much as I want to always keep your memory super fresh in my mind, and as sad as it's been making me to start accepting that the new normal is that you AREN'T going to be there when I get home, I can't let myself obsess on your last days and the torture it caused me just to keep your memory fresh.

I really think that is what I'm doing baby girl. It rips my heart out some days when I DON'T think of you every second and realize I'm moving on without you and that like I say, I'm not expecting to see you and that this is my life now and you aren't in it. It's a new form of guilt and so I start to get sad again and relive the agony of your passing which puts you back in the forefront of my mind again. It's crushing me sweetie and I need to stop.

But, please know that if I stop obsessing, it does NOT mean I don't love you. I do so so much and that will never change. And I WILL think of you every single day but will try not to do it in such a damaging way for myself. I'm still so very sorry how things happened and would do it all different if I had the chance, but I don't and can't change it no matter how much I wish it.

And you know what? It still all boils down to the present and what you are now experiencing and I need to focus on that. You are HAPPY! I know it. You are sing songing and running like the wind. Your favorite things. I can't wait to see you running and hear you singing. It will be such a glorious reunion my love!!

Be a good girl my sweet, and never ever forget how much I love you. I'm sending you kisses right now...all over your Sissy tummy! Lord give my Sis a hug and kiss for me and tell her I love her so much. Thank you Jesus.

See you soon Sis! Love Mama

4/2/14

Good morning my sweet Sissy!

I just had to come and visit today and let you know how much I miss you and love you. I have been thinking about you so much lately and last night again I had quite the meltdown. I think it's just triggers that set me off. I will be doing ok and then something will set me off and I break down. Last night it was a tv character who was dying and being held in their loved one's arms. I couldn't bear it. All I could think of was holding your little face in my hands, telling you over and over how much I love you as the needle was going in to end your suffering. You seemed so confused and scared and even though it was very peaceful and quick, that image still haunts me and breaks my heart. I just pray you didn't know what was happening and that you didn't think mama wanted you to be gone. I love you so much and I just wanted your pain to end.

Lord please please let Sis know that I loved her more than words can say and help her to understand what I had to do at that moment. Thank you so much for taking her spirit to Heaven right at that moment. Absent from the body, present with the Lord. That's your promise. Thank you for carrying my Sis in your arms up to her new home in the Heavens with you. Thank you for taking away her pain and giving her a new life, no more sadness and pain ever for eternity.

Sis...I love you so much. I miss you every second and I know you are having fun and running and singing and Koda and I can't wait to come see you. She is doing wonderful my love. Her and Chloe are buds and I'm so happy she is able to finally be happy. I am so thankful for that. But, I know as soon as she sees you her little face will perk up and you two will run to each other and play and jump around and shake those pug bodies with excitement. I can't wait to see it. Oh what a glorious day that will be. In Heaven with Jesus and seeing my babies as well.

I miss you love. So much. Jesus please give my Sis a kiss on her tummy for me. Please tell her I love her so much...as big as the sky!

See you soon my sweets!
Love Mama

4/21/14

Hi my love! How was your first Easter in Heaven with Jesus yesterday? I thought about you all day and thought what a glorious day that must be up there. As awesome as the celebration is down here as we remember our Lord and Savior rising from the grave to beat sin and death, I can only imagine that it is ten times more of a celebration in Heaven with the risen Lord Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father for all of you to see and worship. I bet you were praising Him with all of the angels and the others who are there before us and it was wonderful!

I missed you so much again this weekend and had another big meltdown on Saturday but you know what Sis? God reminded me of the song "Jesus Loves Me" and the part that stuck out the most? "Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong." I feel as if He was letting me know the weak sick little ones, which include you, are now safe in His strong arms. I am thankful that He reminded me again because sometimes I can even feel distant from Him and when that happens I feel so lost. He lifts me up and makes me feel whole again even in my pain, so I just try to keep the faith even during the distant times and He always reveals himself again in His time. He is never gone.

Be a good girl my sweets. I miss you so much and I love you more than words can say. Lord please give Sissy a big kiss and hug from me and tell her I love her big as the whole sky!

See you soon my love...
Mama

5/8/14

Happy Birthday my very sweet girl! I can't believe you would have been 9 years old today. I miss you so so much baby girl and wish I could be celebrating with you today. I hope you are enjoying this your very first birthday in Heaven with Jesus and all of your other little friends that you have met since you've been there.

Gosh Sis...will it ever get any easier? Some days I think yes, it will. I get super distracted and busy with work and other things and it will hit me that hey, I haven't been dwelling on my loss and the fact that you're gone. But, then of course, that thought brings it all back full force and I'm sad again. It's such a crazy cycle and I just don't know if it will ever end.

Someone said to me the other day..."I'm so sorry you are still grieving Sissy." You know what I said back? "I will ALWAYS grieve her. Her and Dakota are my heart. A piece is now gone and that spot will be forever broken." But, that said, I told myself I didn't want to write you a sad letter on your birthday my love so I will stop. I just love you and miss you so much.

Have a wonderful day today my love bug. I am thinking about you and praying that Jesus will give you a birthday hug and kiss from me. Lord, please tell her mama loves her to the moon and back and give her a big Happy Birthday love from me. Thank you so much for taking care of her until I see her again.

Love you baby girl!
Mama

5/16/14

Good morning my sweets. Been thinking about you a lot this morning and so I wanted to come on here and say hi to you and take your birthday cake down. I decided to put out a water bowl for you since it's one of my many memories. How much you were always such a thirsty girl. You loved your water. I know towards the end you were thirsty more so than usual and I'm so sorry for that my love, but you know what? You will never be thirsty again. You are in Heaven where everything is perfect and you are complete and happy!

I was just talking with someone here at work today about Heaven for little ones like you and I know they didn't agree with me that you are there. I think that's what got me really wanting to come on here and visit you today. Because Sis, I choose not to think that is even a remote possibility. I choose to have faith and believe the voice of truth which is God, and I know he told me and showed me that you ARE there. Fatih is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we don't see. I am certain and sure! I WILL see you again, and you are right now happy and healthy and running free. No one can convince me otherwise. They do not speak for God.

Ok..love, enough of my rant. I love you so much baby girl. I miss you and long to hug you just one more time. I'm so glad you had such unique fur because even now, almost 9 months later I can close my eyes and I can feel you. Actually feel how your fur felt under my fingers. Oh I miss you so much.

I hope you are having a wonderful time love. I hope you've met so many great friends to run and play with and that you are having fun singing and praising the Lord every minute. Can't wait to kiss that sweet little pug face and nose.

Be a good girl my sweet Sis!
Love you..Mama

5/30/14

Hi Sister love! Was just sitting here at work thinking about you and decided to come visit. It's such a beautiful sunny day today and all I can think of right now is how much I would love to have one more day to take you and Koda out on the trail that you loved. I can just see you now running off ahead of me and then running back to me with your little crooked Sissy run. Tongue hanging out and your little legs and body doing the side to side Sis shake.

I love you so much baby girl. I miss those days so much. Sometimes if I let myself just focus completely on memories it just seems so unreal that they are NEVER going to happen again. Ever. It is just so hard to fathom sometimes even after all of this time. I think I just want to go back in time so badly and wake up and have it all be a bad dream and look over and see you right beside me like always. Gosh, if I dwell on it too long it just aches so I have to change gears. So very hard love. Miss you so much I can't even describe it.

Koda has started to get sick too baby. I guess that's why I'm struggling more as well. She doesn't act too bad quite yet but she is having a lot of trouble with her liver and I'm sure that she will be coming to join you sooner than I would have thought. I can't even think about it right now because to lose you both, my girls, my heart, will be more than I can handle I think. I just want to do right by her as much as I can so that I never have the regrets and pain that I have over all the things that happened with you.

Please Jesus, give Sis a hug for me. I miss her so very much and please help me to do right by Dakota so that she has the best chance possible to be with me as long as she can. And when she gets there with you, please love on her and let her reunite with Sissy and just keep my two girls in your loving arms until I can be there to greet them. Thank you so much for your promises my Lord.

Sis...mama sends you the biggest kiss and biggest hug ever. I love you SO much. Always will.

See you soon!
Mama

6/11/14

Good morning my sweets. I was just sitting here at work and I'm missing you so much today. It's one of those days where it takes everything I have to not cry. It's been rough. I don't know how to ever get over the regret and guilt of thinking I let you go too soon. I really think I may live with this for the rest of my life. I can't imagine a more horrible feeling then being the one who killed their baby. And that's the way I feel. I feel like you would still be here right now if I had made different choices and I don't know that I can ever ever forgive myself.

Oh my sweet love. I pray every day that you are happy now and free of pain and are living a wonderful life up in heaven with your friends and Jesus and all of the angels. Sometimes I doubt and think if you are just a pile of ashes right now and your spirit is just gone...well I don't even want to go on. I just can't imagine that the Creator of the universe who created all things, you included, would let that happen. I can't even go there. To the people who say animals don't matter to him and that you are just gone, well I can't and won't accept that. I'm trying to rely again on that voice of truth and to believe with my whole heart that he showed me that vision of you in my dream and that is the REAL truth. That you are there. Your little spirit lives on forever.

Dear Jesus, please take care of my Sissy. I miss her so much the tears are falling again. Please tell her mama loves her so much and I'm so very sorry for everything that happened. I would NEVER EVER give the Dr. the go ahead to give that final shot if I had another chance to do it again. Never. I am so sorry my sweetheart. I'm sorry I gave up on you. I love you so much. I can't wait to see you again my sweet love.

Until we meet again my baby girl...and we will.
Mama

7/15/14

Hello my sweet Sissy! I'm sorry I haven't been on here to visit you in awhile. I have been so busy lately and haven't felt that good for a long time and it just seems that every time I think about coming on here and writing to you, something else comes up and I run out of time. But oh my....I think about you every second of every day no matter what and no matter how busy I am or how I'm feeling. I am STILL having melt downs and missing you so much and praying for the impossible. Praying that God will work a miracle and you will magically appear and be alive again. I can't believe I actually seriously pray that prayer because I know he won't do it but I also know he could.

So many days lately I have just closed my eyes and hoped and prayed that when I opened them you would be there and I could have that week over to try again. I don't know baby. I don't know if it's because it's coming up on a year almost that you have been gone or what but even on my "happy" days, I am never really happy. There is always something missing and it's you. There is a permanent hole in my heart and I know it will never be filled.

One thing that has kept me going lately is a word from the Lord that I feel I received one day while crying and losing my faith that you are actually alive and well in Heaven. I started doubting and wondering about ALL of the animals and where you would all go and about the people who DON'T like animals (which is hard to believe) and how that will all work, and I felt like I heard the Lord say..."In my house there are many rooms." It gave me such peace for him to remind me that he is God! He can do anything and Heaven is a grand place that no one can fathom. He can work all this out and has. It's not for me to ask how, it's for me to just believe. That you are there, you are happy and I WILL see you again!

I love you so much my sweetheart. I miss you more than I can even express and I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet little face and tummy. I think about you every single second and always will my love. I wish so much that you were still here with me and Koda and am so so sorry for the way that week went and for things I did and didn't do. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself but that is something I will have to live with. But, I don't EVER want you to think I didn't love you to the moon and back because I did and still do and always will.

Be a good girl my sweets. Love you so very much.
Mama

8/12/14

Hi Baby...Just wanted to come visit you today. Missing you so so much. Especially since it's getting so close to that day you left me one whole year ago. I can't even fathom that it's been that long since I've seen you and hugged you. Somedays it still doesn't even seem real. I don't even know how I'm going to get through next week my love. I just know each day will bring it's own challenges of knowing what exactly was happening on each one of those days leading up to you leaving for Heaven. It's bone crushing painful to think about.

I just miss you so much sweetheart. I haven't been feeling well and I think it's this year of grief. It has really taken a toll on my body. I really need to get it together for my health but it's so so hard. I have finally settled into a sad routine of knowing you aren't coming back and my life will go on without you. I guess this is the "acceptance" stage of grief that they talk about, but just because I accept what is, doesn't mean I will ever be truly happy again because I don't think I will. You and Koda are my heart and now one piece is gone. I can't even think about when she's gone as well. I will want to go to you both as well.

Sorry to be such a downer today love. Just a hard day and I miss you so much. On a happy note though, Koda and Chloe are doing great baby girl. I know Koda still misses you but she loves Chloe. And Chloe is a little sweetheart. She really relys on me and needs me in her life and I'm very glad she's helping Koda and I fill the void over the loss of you if just a little bit. She will NEVER take your place. Ever. But she needs me and Koda and we need her.

I love you Sis. And I pray you are having so much fun my baby. God does still give me signs that he is with me through this and I know he's with you as well. He showed me the bright light of the cross shining off of the super moon the other night. I took a picture to never forget. It was magnificent and so comforting. Jesus alone is my rock and comforter and is loving you right now as well until I can be with you again.

Be good love. I will come visit again on the anniversary of you going to Heaven. See you next week.

Love Mama

8/23/14

Oh my Sissy...where do I begin. Today at this time exactly, you left this world to be with Jesus in Heaven. I have been missing you all day and each hour has been filled with memories of your last day with me. I can still so vividly see your sweet little face as I looked in your eyes and told you over and over again how much I loved you as the tears were falling down my face. Then you laid your head on my arm and Dr. gave you that last shot and you were gone. So peaceful for you yet so painful for me.

But, you are in pain no more. Ever. As much as I want to kiss you and hold you right this minute, I know you are celebrating your first anniversary in Heaven and running and playing and I am so happy for you. Sad for me because today of all days I am longing for you so much. That day that you left me is still so fresh in my mind and I just remember how my heart felt. Like it was ripped out in a million pieces and the unreal and horrible realization that you were gone. I would never ever see you again or hold you again. It was the most gut wrenching pain I have ever experienced.

Oh my Sis, I just want you to know that I couldn't stand to see you suffer not one more minute. Once Dr. told me that there was nothing more to be done, I just wanted your pain to stop. I had to make that most awful decision of my life and it will haunt me always, yet I had to end your suffering, even if it meant I will now suffer with the loss of you forever until I see you again.

But, I WILL see you again my root root girl. I long for that day and can't wait. We are now one year closer to seeing each other and what a wonderful day that will be. Please Jesus give my Sis a big hug and kiss from me today. You know how much I'm missing her today Lord and how hard the memory of this day is for me. Be with me and give me your peace and your reassurance that you are holding my girl safe in your arms until I can be with her again. Thank you Jesus.

I love you so much my baby. To the moon and back. Run like the wind baby girl.

See you soon!
Love Mama

9/23/14

Good morning my sweet love. Been thinking about you so much the last couple of weeks. The first week after the year anniversary, I was actually doing a little better. It was like I had that horrible first year without you behind me and I thought maybe I was on my way to healing. Well, apparently not. The last few weeks have been pretty hard again. I just miss you so much somedays and want so much for you to be here that I just can't handle it. I ache and ache to hold you and it really overwhelms me. Still. A year and one month later.

Sometimes I think it's because if a few days go by when I'm NOT consumed by thoughts of you, I almost feel guilty like I've forgotten you and then that upsets me which gets me thinking about you even more and it all comes rushing back. Such a horrible cycle and I really don't know when and even if it will end.

I just have to say...I just hate hate hate that you're gone. A few times lately I have just been angry. So angry that I can never have you back. It just boils up inside my being...the lack of control that there is NOTHING I can do about it. NO WAY I can get you back. No matter how sad I am, no matter how much I cry and scream and pray, you are NEVER coming back. It is crushing. And I hate it and hate myself for my decision.

Sis, I just hope you forgive me and know how much I love you. And I'm sorry. So sorry for the way things happened and for not doing things differently. I would do ANYTHING to have another chance and yet, I can't and that's what eats at me constantly. The thought that I ended the life of something I loved so much is almost too much for my brain to comprehend sometimes. For my emotional state the week you got sick to be so messed up that I would make that decision, well, I just can't even think about it right now. It just makes me angry all over again.

Baby girl...I just pray until I'm sick to my stomach that you are safe and happy with the Lord. I know he's probably so sick of my ranting and wailing and lack of faith that he's about had it with me, but I have to hang on to the tiny bit of faith I have left that you are there in Heaven and that you are not just gone. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that something so innocent and without sin and created by our wonderful Creator, would just be dust in the ground upon death. I hold fast to the promise that Jesus defeated sin and death and that all the innocent animals are safe in his house. As he has said "my house has many rooms." Enough for all of you sweet creatures. I know it. I believe it and I claim it in Jesus name!

Love you so much my baby girl. Run like the wind and I can't wait to see you hold you and kiss you. More than I can even say!

Love, Mama

10/31/14

Happy Halloween my baby girl. I have been missing you so very much the last week or so. I think of you every single day...not one day goes by without me thinking of you, but the last week I've been so very sad again and I'm not sure what triggered it.

Last weekend I was really busy seeing Chase in California and we went to Disneyland and it was a great time. It kept me busy and distracted and was such a needed change. But, since I've been back, it sure has been rough. I think maybe part of the reason is the stark difference in the weather between here and California. To have a sunny warm weekend and come home to cold and wind and rain, maybe it set me back.

Anyway...I really just wanted to come on here and visit you. It's been too long since I've wrote to you and I just needed to do it. To come tell you how much I love you and miss you and wish every day that I could just hug you one more time. It's so overwhelming some days my love. I ache to have you lay your head on my lap on the couch and snuggle up to me in bed. I miss your crazy singing when I come home and at bedtimes and just all the quirks and personality traits that made you who you were. I so much love Dakota and now little Chloe, but you are all three so different, and I miss YOU. My unique little pug girl Sissy.

I pray every day Sis that you are doing so good now, and are so happy and I long for the day I can hold you and hug you and give you little kisses on the cute face with the one missing bottom tooth. I can't wait to see you run to me with your little crooked Sissy run and I will scoop you up and never let you go.

Be a good girl my Sis and sing to Jesus every day and enjoy your new home in Heaven until we meet again.

Love you to the moon my baby girl!
Love Mama

11/21/14

Hi Baby girl. Two more days and it will be 15 long months that you've been gone. I just can't believe it's been so long. Some days it feels like forever since I've seen you and held you and kissed your little face and yet others, it feels like it was just yesterday. Will it ever get any easier Sis?

I had someone ask me yesterday...when you lose Dakota, will you ever get another pug? And you know what? I already know the answer to that question. Nope. I already can't look at fawn pugs at all. It makes me so sad. I thank the Lord that Koda is black or having her would make me miss you all the more, but when she's gone, no. You two are my heart girls and I can never see another pug in my life. You two are just too special and my heart will never be the same when you are both gone. It's already broke in half losing you, and when Koda goes, the break will be complete.

Oh God. Why did Sis have to go? Why bring this sweet loving little girl into my life with a personality and lovability like no other, only to have her leave way before her time. I just miss her so so much and am not the same person I was 15 months ago when she was here. Please keep her safe and warm and give her hugs and kisses from her mama and please tell her how much I love her.

Sis, enjoy your second Thanksgiving with Jesus. I will be thinking of you and will give Koda and Chloe extra hugs and kisses that I hope you can feel. I love you so much my sweet girl. Mama's boop a loop Sis. Be good baby. See you soon.

Love, Mama

12/17/14

Hi my Sis. I wanted to come on here today and change your season to snow and Christmas cheer! You so loved the snow my baby. I remember when you were feeling good how you would run like the wind through the backyard in the snow. And Dakota would chase snow balls and her little face would be all white on black from the snow. Cracked me up watching you two.

Oh I'm missing you so much during this holiday season. I thought this year it would be easier being the second Christmas without you but while I HAVE had some better days, it's still rough and I still miss your snuggles and loves and sweet Sissy noises. I don't know...maybe it won't ever be easy. I think it is what it is. I will just always miss you and will never quite be the same as I was before.

Sis, I hope you have a wonderful wonderful Christmas celebrating the birth of Jesus up there with him in Heaven. What a great thing that would be...to celebrate Christmas with the risen Savior face to face. Sing with the angels my love and I will see you so very soon.

Mama loves you little one!

1/5/15

Happy New Year my sweet girl. I'm missing you so so much today my baby. Still having those awful days off and on of regret. I just wish I knew then what I know now. About how dogs show pain, and what things mean when they are sick and how to help. I really really firmly believe that there was a slight possibility that the other doctor could have helped you if I would have gotten that second opinion. Would he have been able to save your life? That I don't know but I do believe he could have prolonged it.

The information he could have given me with that test could have been so valuable in letting us know if there were any options at all. But no. I was so freaked out by your breathing and shivering and not eating, and I panicked. And of course your doctor saying there was nothing more to be done. Oh how I hate him and myself for listening to him. I will never ever as long as I'm on this earth, give up on another one of my babies without exhausting every option.

Please forgive me my love. I know I say it all the time but watching you suffer was killing me. And the thought of leaving you alone to die without me was more than I could bear. I'm so so sorry that I didn't try harder to save you. I love you so much and I just want you to know I think of you every single second of every day and hate myself for what I did.

Lord Jesus in Heaven, please hold my Sis close and whisper to her right now how much her mama loves her and I am so sorry. I can't wait to hold her again.

Be a good girl my sweet. Sing with the angels in your Sissy sing song voice. I love you.

Mama

2/11/15

Hi my baby girl. Just wanted to come say hi to you today and visit and talk to you. I miss you so much. But you know what Sis? I'm REALLY trying to work on the regret and beating myself up every second over my decisions and how everything went down before you left me. It's hard and takes a HUGE effort to switch my thoughts, but I'm trying.

I really feel like I hear God in these moments when I start to go to that place of self hate. I feel like he almost immediately yells in my ear almost that I did the right thing with you and he is helping me switch the thought to a positive.

Does this make me miss you any less? Oh gosh no. I still ache for you a year and half later. Still miss so much about you. Your personality, your unconditional love and just the sweetness that is you. I do wish we had gotten just a little more time, more time for me to love on you and let you know how much you meant to me and maybe let you breathe the summer air one more time, cuddle in my arms just one more day and night...basically, just one more day. I would give everything I am to just have that. One. more. day.

Oh my sweet. I miss you so much. I pray right now in Jesus name that he is keeping you safe and warm and loved until I can reunite with you again someday. Singsong in your little voice my Sis and play and run and enjoy your pain free wonderful existence with the Savior. Remember mama loves you to the moon and back my love and I can't wait to hug and kiss you when I see you run to me with your crooked Sissy run. What a wonderful day.

Be good my lovey. I love you.

Mama

3/2/15

Hi my sweets! I just came here to visit you and change your season to Spring. This was your favorite time of year remember? You loved to be outside and go on walks on these crisp sunny spring days. Not too cold and not too hot. I have been missing you so much lately when I've taken the girls to yours and Koda's favorite trail. Chloe just loves to walk that thing as much as you did.

She is so funny Sis. You would have really liked her. She just loves other dogs and if she sees one up ahead, she tries to run so fast with her short crippled little legs to try and get to them to say hi. Dakota not so much. She wants to get close to them, but basically to show them who's boss. With you gone, she definitely has taken over that mama role.

It's been hard. I picture you every time we go. Running with your little crooked Sissy run and sniffing everything. I miss you so much it hurts. My sweet Sissy tummy girl. But you know what sister? When I do picture you in Heaven, it is EXACTLY like those crisp sunny walks. I know your life is now perfect and every day is a beautiful perfect day just like you loved. And as much as I love that crooked run, I know you are running straight and beautiful and I can't wait to see you run to me so I can hug you and never let you go.

I love you my baby girl. Be a good sweet girl and play with all your friends and sing with the angels praises to the Lord. Enjoy that wonderful paradise my love. Wait for me and I will see you soon.

Love you my root root girl.
Mama

4/1/15

Hi Baby girl. I wanted to let you know that I have come to the end of how many letters I can write to you on here. I don't want to ever stop writing so I will start writing to you on the message boards now. I love you too much to ever stop writing, so when I use up my space there, I will make a journal. Just know I love you so much and miss you ever second! Happy second Easter sweet love!

Love Mama

Please also visit Dakota.