I have no idea where to start or even how to explain or describe the pain in my heart right now but I'm going to tell my cat's story.|
It all started about a week ago when he was playing like he normally would and I remember I was playing video games and he was strangely quiet so I went to go check up on my little man and he was sitting in his sink (I have a bathroom attached to my room.) The behavior wasn't too strange but he looked a little uncomfortable so not wanting to take any chances because of his medical history I took him to the clinic the next day and they said he looked really healthy and well taken care of so it gave me some comfort. I took him home and he did perk up a bit and after some medicine and getting some fluids in him he wasn't better but he was doing okay. It didn't last long he hadn't eaten in about two days at that point and he was just completely isolated although he would walk up to me a few times. We had a lot of problems with him not peeing in the past and having a urinary tract infection so when he went pee I got a sigh of relief.. like no matter what he wasn't in the red zone like he was gonna be okay.
When I sat down in my room with him not there it felt so weird we did everything together whenever i'd get back from a workout or going out at all he would cry for me because he missed me.. every night we'd sleep together and sometimes fight over the blankets.. every morning he gave me kisses and face rubs like he was so thankful he had me in his life. He'd give me love bites on the jaw and I think if I let him he'd just kiss on my face all day. I've never been so close with a cat before or an animal in general. He gave me so much love and I did the same to him. he knew when it was time to eat and he knew when I was busy .. he was my little fruit cat, he just loved things like apples and strawberries and this summer we shared a small piece of watermelon together .. he'd always bug me to get a small touch of my protein ice cream. Even when I'd call friends or play games he had to be as close as possible to me laying against my laptop or even shutting it .. and then wanting to be held like a baby since he was a kitten thats how I always held him and he never stopped loving it no matter how big he got.
My baby boy fought through the pain so he wouldn't have to go I know he didn't wanna leave me and before he parted he wanted to die by my side..he wanted me by his side and I just thought he was gonna get better.. my house is so quiet without him and so is my heart.. my brain has played this on repeat night after night since it happened the nights are hard and the mornings are even harder.. my brain knows what I have to do but my heart is screaming that this isn't real that this is wrong. My heart looks for you and your stubby little arms to walk on my chest when I wake up.. I wanna hear you meow to be fed in the morning or for me to fill up your water .. I wanna come home to someone who misses me to death, I want that small furry face to rub on my face ..I wanna see you wait for me when I get off work.. I wanna see you smile when you lay beside me and sleep, I so badly wanna hear you purr against me like you always did.
I've never been super into animals or I've always seen them as "just animals". I can still remember when he was a baby he wasn't suppose to be my cat, my ex girlfriend wanted him. He had a lot of problems when we first rescued him, an upper respatory infection and he coudn't even open his eyes from it at the time, he come from a home with very unhealthy conditions. I remember telling him that even if his eyes never opened i'd love him as a blind kitty. I watched my ex and him bond and get so close and it made me so happy for her and he always saw me hold him and he just ..got so attached to me.. it was strange because I didn't think he would but he got so clingy to me that little baby face and his little whiney cries as a baby boy. We got closer and closer until I couldn't imagine my life without him. He fought so hard for me.. to stay alive. He did so much for me and my heart aches for my baby to be here but he's not and I dont think that hole in my heart will ever disappear even if I heal there will always be a place for my baby boy. You had my heart with those tiny little steps, those whiney little cries and those late nights and early mornings and that companionship I've never felt from an animal before.. you gave me something that i'll never forget. I love you so much baby boy I love you so so much I would have done anything for you in that clinic. You're my floof man, my baby boy, my Shmitty , Mr. bean man..I don't wanna say good bye baby boy but you fought hard ..harder then I knew an animal could and you can rest easy now, let them take care of you baby boy and I promise when it's my time I'll come and see you. My little love bug there won't be a single day that goes by where I forget about you.. I'm getting a tattoo of you on my ankle for other people and kitties to see because for the rest of my life I want them to know that I love this big fluffy orange cat more then anything in the world. I'll always be your human and I love you so much baby boy. you'll always be safe now you taught me how to love an animal again and so much more..
Until we meet again, Shmitty. I'll keep you in my heart and I'll keep your memories alive. I'll let everyone know of that orange cat that is still by my side .. I love you so much baby boy and i'll see you soon.
August 14, 2021 -
August 15, 2021 -
August 16, 2021 -
August 16, 2021 3:02 P.M
I let my room turn into a mess since your passing and it's still hard for me to do much of anything without feeling completely exhausted.. a few mins ago i found big clumps of your fur from where i used to comb you (in the corner of my sid of the bed). Sometimes it got there from you just rolling around too and i thought it'd cause me a break down tbh ..and i did tear up but it made me happy seeing a part of you again. I've been working on a box for you baby boy and i promise it'll have all your favorite things in it.I still need to find my glasses since thats how i found your fur..I'm doing a bit better after writing these entries but i miss you baby boy ik your safe but I'm cleaning my desk so if you ever wanna lay in your spot i promise it's clean now.
August 17, 2021 11:18 A.M
Hey there floof man how are you doing today? i think this is the first morning where i didn't ball my eyes out from the pain of missing you. Ig I'm getting used to this harsh reality even if I don't want to..Your in a better place ik that you just left me so soon and i miss you everyday. all i could think about this morning was how you used to wait for me when I'd leave for work how excited you'd be when daddy finally got home. night after night you'd wait for me you gave me something to come home to and no matter how hard it is it brings a smile to my face. I'm getting my tattoo of you tomorrow baby boy and i hope in your heart my love will continue to reach you. I love you Shmitty I love you so much baby boy your life wasn't as long as we would have liked but I'll make sure everyone knows about my orange cat for the rest of my days.
August 18, 2021 9:23 P.M
Hey Shmitty sorry its a little late tonight I had a bit of a busy day. I was getting your tattoo done today I love having you on my ankel baby boy (': It's been tough without you but I love you so much and i miss you like you've never known .. I was thinking about how you used to play with your food and it brought a smile to my face..you never stopped being a baby no matter how old you got it was always a baby faced shmitty. Ik your doing okay I'm starting to be okay too but i miss you so much .. Ik all the kitties are gonna see you when they walk by me or see my ankel they'll know a little orange kitty is still in my heart. I love you and I always will Shmity boo boo's
August 20, 2021 1:43 A.M
Hey Shmitty sorry it's a little late it was a long day like you wouldn't believe i picked up your ashes from the clinic today and it went pretty well I even showed the two front desk ladies your tattoo and their faces lit up for you just seeing you live on and live with me was a special moment the tattoo didn't do that but when people see the tattoo they'll know. it was hard without you ..I'm getting better but i miss our time together so much and i'd give anything for one last embrace.. i just passed out today my emotions were so high but I'm not crying everyday so I'm making progress. I couldn't stop thinking about you and the little things you did that would brighten up my day. The face rubs or how you'd nibble on my fingers or how you'd make a mess when you were eating.. i even remembered how you liked to get wet and those things just brought a smile to my face. Your with me always and forever, rest easy my bean man. (your paw prints came back today and they were as small as i remember and even more adorable (': )
August 21, 2021 10:42 P.M
Hey there shmitty it's still hard to believe that ten days ago you passed it seems like its been so long..i feel liek ive counted the seconds. your always in my thoughts and I'm happy I got a tattoo of you I get to take you everywhere with me even when i can't hear or see you. my life just seems to be falling apart after you left..you've visited me a lot in times where i least expect and it makes me happier then you'll ever know but Dad's gonna be alright. It's hard without you baby boy i miss so many things but rest easy okay? we'll met again someday I promise but until then ill keep my heart open to your messages and keep your memory alive. I love you baby boy.
August 28, 2021 1:21 A.M
Hey there baby boy how have you been? it seems like forever ago you passed but in reality its only been about 2 weeks. time has made your passing easier but it's still hard not waking up to your face anymore. I miss you so much and you still visit me all the time..sometimes i second guess it but ik it's you and ik your love is still in this home. keep smiling for me I'm doing okay without you.. I miss you more then I could ever have known. I love you so much baby boy.
September 12, 2021 9:30 P.M
Hey baby boy it's been a while since I've said anything on here. so much has happened in the house since you've been away and it's been hard without your cuddles and love..sometimes I'll come home from the gym and be waiting for you but your not there. at least physically.. I won't write too much on here since it's hard being so far away from you but ik your in a better place. you'll have to introduce me to all of your new friends when i see you (': Rest well baby boy dad never stops loving or missing you.
October 15, 2021 3:21 a.m
Hey little man it's been a while I haven't forgotten about you not in the slightest. It's only been a couple months but it feels different without you here..today i had some of my blueberry protein ice cream and it made me think about how you'd never stop pestering until you got your nose full. I see you all the time in the most unexpected ways and it feels like kisses on my heart. I can never stop wondering what our life would have been like since so much has changed..don't forget to tell your brothers how it was to be alive. I miss you everyday baby boy..rest well bean man
November 27, 2021 6:34 P.M
seems like it's been way too long since you've been gone so much has happened in so many ways. were taking care of a cat named jackson now he's a lot smaller then I expected but somehow i think you guys would have gotten along (': It's hard for me to come here because i often think "what could have been" but there isn't a day that goes by where i don't miss you. Every time i come home from the gym and i don't see you or whenever i eat your not there to steal my food. i miss those winter time cuddles too when you'd curl up to me or we'd sleep in on rainy days I miss those so much.. I just wanted to say I miss and love you Shmitty boo boos. I'm glad to know your in good hands baby boy and until we see each other again be sure to be a good boy (':
12/31/2021 11:28 a.m
Good morning Mr.bean man (: I hope your doing okay this morning and having lots of fun. It feels like you've been gone so long even tho it's only been 5 months and life hasn't been the same without you.. I'll be starting the new year without you fluffman but I know your still with me whereever I may go. It's been a tough year but you'd be happy to know I'm getting by okay. I won't be too long but I love you so much and I miss you more then I knew I could..so many days i wish things would have been different but even if things are like this my love will never change,not on any christmas, not on any of my other birthdays, you will always be cherished even if your little fluffy tail isn't here to remind me. Daddy loves you so much baby boy I'll talk to you again soon
4/7/2022 6:29 a.m
Hey baby boy how have you been ? I'm sorry I haven't writen about you in months i guess coming here can be a little hard at times. some days what happened to you plays in my head on loop and my guilt tries to blame myself even though i know the truth. I think about you so much.. everyday i wish you could be there to meow or greet me at the door or crawl up and rest your little orange head on my pillow. I've never had a connection like this with an animal before and coming to that truth can be hard.. all of the good times just flow in me all the time. So many things have happened, I got rid of my desk and I got to go see your momma and she got to see your little bean prints. your always cherished in every conversation i have of you even the people who never knew your name know of your tale. you'll always be my little orange cat no matter where i go and I love you my little fluff ball (': I'll do my best so I want you to do your best until I see you again.
Rest well baby boy you have and always will be an important part of this family and i miss you so so much. <3