Suki, these past few days have been an eternity without you. Right now, I am sleeping with your bright pink robe you slept wrapped up in in our bed during the last couple of weeks of your life. It smells like you. I can't write much now because I hurt so much that I can barely breathe. I need a few days or maybe even weeks. Just make sure you find Keisie and let her take care of you until I get there. I'm picking your ashes up tomorrow. I think that's when I'll feel the sucker-punch of grief. I've been "doing so well" according to everyone, but they don't hear me cry for you all night long alone in bed. I've been staying at your Grandmomma and Poppa's house since I let you go. Tomorrow, I go home to face our bed and all your things that I have to clean up, separate, and put away in a special place. I will get another puppy once I've completed a few tasks that need to be done first. But don't worry, baby. You are my greatest love, my one and only, no one and nothing can ever take your place. It's just that I absolutely cannot be alone. You've been with me for over 13 years and I will miss you forever.
Look for Koko, Trixie, Pumpkin, Leila, Nikki, and ChoCho, so you'll have all of our family's furbabies to play with. I feel no guilt. I regret nothing. You are my greatest love, and I did everything for you, my sweet dear girl. I will think of you every day for the rest of my life and will honor your place in my life. And your ashes will be buried with me when I die one day. Part of me is looking forward to that day so that we can be together again. I love you with every breath, every thought, every purpose...to the point that I hurt more for you than I did for me that last day in the midst of your illness, pain, confusion, and what must have been abject fear and agony. I could not let you suffer. No one thought I could do this for you. But I did. I made you a promise that I would be there with you through the very end, and I was. I will never regret holding you as close to my heart as I could during those last minutes and seconds so that you could feel your Momma's heartbeat. I hope you could feel mine, because I felt yours and I felt yours stop. You died peacefully, in my arms, with your "grandparents" in attendance, and with Doc Neil who took care of you since you were born. It all was as it should have been given our circumstances. I gave you the very best of me from the first time I held you when you were 3 days old to your very last heart beat. Momma loves you, Suki. I'll come back another day and visit and write some more. I'm just so lost without you right now. My heart is broken. -- Love, Momma
Sweet Suki, it's been one whole week now. I was numb up until I got your ashes back yesterday from the vet. I feel like I'm forgetting something, like I've lost something and can't find it. I feel like my left arm has been chopped off and I can't find it. I don't know who to be without you. I went inside our apartment today to get a few things because I'm still staying at Poppa's house for now. I could hardly bear being in our home without you. I picked up every blanket, towel, robe that you had wrapped up in, burrowed up under, slept on. But none of them really smell that much like you because I had just washed everything about 3 weeks ago. And you know how horrible I am about getting the laundry done. Damn it all, I can't believe I washed everything! Even the sheets on the bed are still clean. I sniffed and smelled around everywhere trying to find a bit of you. I had to leave because I couldn't find you. I am hurting more and more each day. But I am begging God every day to let you come to me in a dream to let me know you're ok and that you are really out there somewhere waiting for me. I am searching for you in my dreams, sweetheart. I need you to let me know you're in a wonderful place like Rainbow's Bridge. So many kind, compassionate people have signed your guestbook. You've become quite the little beauty queen here at Rainbow's Bridge. :) You're the most beautiful, most precious, most important thing God has ever blessed me with. I'll be looking for you tonight in my dreams. Please come to me. I need you. Momma loves you.
Hi, baby girl. Tonight I participated in the Monday Night Candlelight Ceremony here to honor you in a special way with others who have lost their furbabies too. It wasn't what I expected, but there were some really kind people who encouraged me and helped me look at this loss and my grief in a slightly different way. In fact, one of them said she was going to visit your site. I really do hope you are making friends with other animals that have passed on. I hear they need friends too. I don't want you to be lonely like I am. And I'm assuming you've already found Keisie and the rest of the family, so I'm not too worried about that. I just miss you so much, and I've got to figure out how to live in your absence. I feel like all the air has been sucked out of me and any room I enter. Am I crazy? No. Just in love with you. Sweet dreams, little one. Think of Momma's kisses on my favorite spot on the side of your head right near the top of your right ear. I'm sending you 20 kisses tonight so you can sleep peacefully. Oh, I got a card from Doc Neil in the mail, and he put your paw print on the card. I didn't know they did that. How cool and special is that?! That card is definitely going in my Bible along with the envelopes with your hair in them that I cut when you were asleep. Your very own paw print! I cried today when they told me on the phone that that was your actual print in the card. It's so ironic too because just last week at Poppa's house, I found a card I made for Mom in 1975 when I was 4 years old at the Montessori school. Guess what's in the card? My very own hand print of my left hand...just like yours in the card Doc Neil sent to me. I'm listening and watching the wind and trees for you. I'm searching for you in my dreams. But for now, until you come to me or send me a sign that you're watching over me, I have your paw print and my hand print that go together "hand-in-hand". I have candles burning for you tonight from the ceremony. I hope you can see their light and know that light is filled with my love for you. Can you see me? -- Goodnight, Puppah. Momma loves you.
Hey Suki-dog. How's my girl? Momma misses you. I can't stand this--you not being here with me anymore. I wish...I wish...I wish so many things. But I wouldn't change a thing because I did all that I could for you. I just miss "us", you know? Do you miss me? Are you out there somewhere sitting near God or Keisie or the rest of our family? I'm still waiting to "hear" from you somehow. I haven't dreamed at all since you died. It's like part of my brain has shut off. I feel like I'm going crazy, and no one understands the depth of what I'm feeling right now. If I hear one more person tell me that "this is just part of life" or "this too shall pass" or "time heals all wounds" or "get over it because you have to", I'm going to reach out and smack somebody--or at least beat the crap out of them in my mind. Where is the sensitivity? Where is the compassion and patience you would expect from people at a time like this? I slept in our apartment last night for the first time since I let you go. I HATE it here without you. I slept horribly, and I reached for you this morning when the ringing phone woke me up. Then I realized I was alone in the bed. And I cried. I cried for you. And I cried for me. I'm still wrapped up in your fuzzy pink robe. And I found your favorite toy--the little dog with the red ears, blue nose, and green tail that you used to chew on all the time when you were a puppy. The toy now resides in the bed for the time being. It's silly, I know, but it's all I have left of you. That and the locks of hair I cut from your sides and put in a blue envelope about 2 hours before you slipped away from me. I find comfort in the strangest things and great grief everywhere I look. They just don't understand us, Suki. I need another "baby" to love me and to let me love her. Don't be jealous; I know you'd understand. I'm getting some "interference" though. I'm not sure what to do. An opportunity has come up and I don't want to miss it. I love you to bits, but I can't be alone. And I can't get anyone to understand that. I'll find a way. Suki, you've got to let me know you're ok, safe, happy, and ultimately at home. I've been searching for "home" all my life, and while you were with me, I knew I was at home. Now I'm lost again, looking for home. Help me find my way. I want to see you again. My heart hurts. Goodnight sweet Suki. Have sweet dreams of me and all those times we got down on the floor nose to nose and just played and played. And always remember: Momma loves you. Remember that that was the last thing you heard. Momma loves you. Momma loves you. Momma loves you more than anything.
Hi baby girl. It's been one whole month now that I've been so very alone without you. I'm still wrapped up in your fuzzy pink robe. I found a lock of your hair that I cut a few years ago when your hair was really long. I've added it to the bits I cut right before you died. Feeling your hair makes it seem like you're still here somehow. And yet I still can't breathe. I can't sleep without having nightmares. I stay awake as long as I can until I crash so that I won't dream bad dreams. Maybe you just need to take your own time before you can come to me in a good dream to let me know you're still out there somewhere. I am so sad, Suki. It hurts to speak your name out loud, but I can't stop saying it. If I stop saying your name out loud, I'm afraid I might forget...forget what, I don't know. I just know that I don't want to forget anything about you. I'm having a special bracelet made for me that has a heart-shaped charm on it. It will be engraved with "Suki" on one side and "Momma loves you" on the other. That's what I said to you all the time and as you fell asleep in my arms every night and your last day. If you remember nothing else, Suki, you remember that Momma loves you and just sit sometimes and imagine what it felt like when I touched you and rubbed your back giving you "puppy massages" and rubbing your ears...all those things that felt good to you. I wish I could touch you again, but I will have to find satisfaction with the locks of hair I cut and kept. I can't believe it's already been a whole month. I still feel like I'm dying inside. But I've got to buck up and get ready for a new furbaby. More than anyone on Earth, you taught me how to love unconditionally, and now it's another puppy's turn to be loved. I am a good mommy because of you. No one understands what that means to me for me to know that. Thank you for everything, Suki. You still have all of me. I'll visit again soon. -- Love, Momma
Hi baby. It's been a while since I visited you here. I've been really sick and haven't been online much. I've also been so sick at heart, missing you and wishing I could hold you again. But I know that we did the right thing at the right time. So I try not to think too selfishly. I can't help it though sometimes. I have some news for you. I got a new puppy on Sat. 10/11/08. She's a 4-month-old black & white Shih Tzu I rescued from a puppy store that she had been sitting in for 2 months in a cage and then a box. Suki, you'd like her very much. She looks a lot like Koko but has your sweet, loving disposition. She's a mess too. She's teething and getting into anything she can, much like you did when you were her age. I'm having a great time with her, and in her own way and unbeknownst to her, she is helping me heal. I am still grieving for you, baby, but I have to keep that separate from her so that she doesn't feel responsible for me feeling bad. Being in love with you is like living the best day of my life every day. And now you're gone, but she is here with me now. Her name is Lollipop. I call her Lolli for short sometimes. I am falling in love with her bit by bit each day. I'm finding myself being cautious with her emotionally, I guess because I'm still grieving for you. I won't let myself feel guilty either way for either one of you. You deserve all the honor, respect, and remembrance I can give to you now as I did when you were alive. And Lollipop deserves the best life I can give her like I gave you. So you girls are soul-sisters in a way. Don't worry, I haven't given any of your stuff to her. She has all her own toys, blankets, etc. I have put your stuff away in a special place. Suki, you are still my greatest love. I hope I can give Lollipop all the love she deserves (I believe I can). I just have to deal with this overlap of grieving for you and enjoying the new bundle of Lollipop joy while keeping my thoughts and feelings for you both separate so that she is spared my pain and longing for you. Suki, I love you so much that it hurts in my bones. My love for Lolli is still growing, and I am taking my time with her emotionally. She's got a lot to learn right now with all the paper training, eating with manners, learning to respect my space and things, and all those other things you and I tried to learn together. Thank you, Suki, for teaching me how to be a momma, how to love with all of my heart and soul, and how to use the wisdom I gained from loving and taking care of you to be a great mommy to a new pup. Lollipop sends her greetings. One day she will know more about you as she discovers more of a sense of you that is still in this apartment and in me. You will forever be present in my life and therefore in hers in the way I teach, train, discipline, and love her. I'll come back in a short while to visit again. I love you, baby girl. I'm still waiting for you in my dreams. -- Love, Momma
Hi Suki girl. I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm still crying for you every day. Don't worry, I don't let Lollipop know. I don't want her to feel my sorrow. She wouldn't understand. I miss you like crazy. I miss your little Suki-snores and you pressing up against my back when we were sleeping. Lollipop has her own way of doing things. And that's okay. I'm trying to get used to the differences and enjoy them however I can. But I still miss how in sync you and I were, how we knew each other so well, how to read each other's moods and comfort each other when we needed to. I miss the way you smell. I miss kissing my favorite spot on the side of your face above your right eye near your ear. I miss your incessant kisses. I have to put peppermint Chapstick on my lips to bribe Lollipop for kisses. Isn't that kind of funny? Just kind of. I'll come back at Christmas. I'm still waiting for you in my dreams. Where are you, baby girl? I pray, I beg God, every day that you are with Him in heaven, where all the innocents should be--babies, young children, animals. The Bible says that even the rocks groan for the Lord. Surely He hears my groans. I know He heard yours. May you be in the arms of the Angel, like the Sarah McLachlan song says, along with Keisie and the rest of our family. I miss all of you. I've lost all sense of "home". Maybe Lollipop can help me find a bit of that again. -- Loving you more than ever, Momma
Hi Sweetheart. I just couldn't come here during Christmas. Hurts too much. I'm still missing you more and more. I need you, Suki. Lollipop is wonderful, and I don't want to take anything away from who she is. But she isn't you. I feel ashamed to even think that way because I couldn't ask for a better second furbaby. She's perfect for me; and I for her. I keep telling myself that Lolli and I have 12-15 years to get to where you and I were with each other. But that doesn't change my need for you and all your little ways. I'm not sleeping. I'm finding it so hard to sleep without you pressed up against me. Lollipop wants her space in the bed. She won't snuggle for very long and certainly won't sleep like that. Maybe it's because her hair has grown out almost all the way to the floor, and all that hair makes her hot. That's understandable. I wish for you, Suki. I wouldn't let myself for a long time because I know it's not fair. You lived your life span. How can I wish for more? I'm feeling very selfish right now. I've been so sick, and you've been there every second for the past 2 years. Now, Lollipop has to figure out that I'm sick and need her help in certain ways. I'm trying so hard to be fair to her. I just miss you so much. My words are failing me for now. So I'll say goodnight. Momma loves you, Suki dog. I can't wait to see you again. I really can't. I want to be with you and our family so badly sometimes that I wish it could be so. But, unfortunately, I'm not in control of everybody's life and death. I love you, Suki, more than anythiing in the world. Am I crazy to love you more than I love myself? No one understands us, Suki. No one. But I know you did. You never failed me, not once. Thank you for giving me more than even you were able to give. You kept me alive as I kept you alive. Sleep well, my sweet girl. Sleep well. And listen as the wind blows your name with my voice saying "Momma loves you.....Momma loves you.....Momma loves you." -- You have my heart and soul. Love, Momma
Hi sweet girl. I'm so sorry I haven't been to see you here. I've been so sick, more sick than when you were here with me. Lollipop is trying help and do her best, but she's a bit wild and wooly when she's awake. Ah, the nature of puppies. You know all about that. Remember flying to all the different cities and states we lived in and all the new apts we had to get used to and then fly home for all the holidays and funerals? What a trouper and good sport you were about all that! Even though I haven't been here to your site lately doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. I still cry for you every day and still watch my videos on my cell phones of you. I have the best little video of you that I can't get off of my old cell phone because its service has been disabled, so I can't get it on the computer. I guess I'll just have to hang on to that phone, huh? All the other little videos are of you when you were sick and the two I took an hour before you died. I don't watch those as much; hurts too much; brings that last day back like it was yesterday. I never did send this link to Dr. Neil; I think he quit caring so much once you were gone and he could not longer "learn" from you and your vet problems. I cannot tell you how much that hurts me. But I, your momma, will never forget a single thing about you, including where every single freckle and mole was on your little body. Lollipop is twice your size! She weighs in now at just under 11 pounds. I am really having a time trying to adjust to that because now both dog and computer no longer fit in my lap at the same time, and I think she's a little jealous of the laptop. Sound familiar? I miss you, my baby, everything about you. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last saw you, held you, kept my promises to you, and got kisses in return. I know you are no longer in any pain or confusion. I have finally dreamed about you, but the dreams have been sketchy; I don't remember much of them because you were there but the dreams weren't about you specifically; they weren't what I wanted. I'm still waiting for that one dream when you do come to me and let me know that you are still there somewhere waiting for me to come to you. I ask Jesus every night if He would be so kind as to let that happen one day. I love you, Suki. No one can understand how much I profoundly love you. Now, you go give Keisie a kiss and tell her that I am protecting her memory and grave here now that somee idiot has been using it as part of their geocaching "fun and games." I will defend my family until the day I die. And I will not let anyone, including any vets, to throw away your memory. I will get ahold of your records when he's done "holding" them in storage for 2 years. So about one more year to go before I camp out near his dumpster to catch a little peice of you to keep. I know, he thinks it's morbid; I really don't give a flippin' rip what anybody else thinks about how much I love you and to what lengths I will go to to remember you and protect the memories of you and my family. Take care of everyone there. I will be there soon. And I can tell you that "soon" cannot come quickly enough. I'm tired of being so sick, merely existing, and no longer living the life I felt I was meant to live. I'm so lonely without you, but I have been blessed with Lollipop and a few online girl friends who have become truly remarkable parts of my life. I will come back here sooner and write again. I do dread, however, your one-yr anniversary. I love you, my dear sweet baby. With all the love I have in my heart, I am chained to you. --Momma
Hello my sweet, baby girl. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you, even as I watch Lollipop grow up and enjoy my relationship with her. She has turned out to be every bit as sweet as you but a bit more independent. We're still growing together. I just wanted to let you know that Daddy died on 6/28, so you be looking for him and be sure to give him tons of kisses when you see him. He was 76 and died of pancreatic cancer. So give him some extra loving when you see him. You two take care of each other and make sure you look for his dog Hershey, a big black Lab/Great Pyrenees mix with white feet. She died about a year ago or so. Don't be scared of her size. She's as big as a small horse but has a heart of gold and loved Daddy more than she anyone else. I'm still loving you every minute of every day, and now that Daddy has gone on to Heaven too, I am so very, very sad again. I hate death, and I hate losing the ones I love. But don't worry about me because Lollipop and your Grandmomma and Poppa are taking very good care of me. I know that I am not alone in this world. I may have lost my Daddy to cancer and his entire family to inexplicable hatred and jealousy, but I have been blessed to have had you and to still have wonderful friends, the ever so lovely Lollipop, Mom and Dick, and all my wonderful memories of those I love and have loved. I just wanted to say hi and to let you know I have not forgotten you, my sweet baby girl and love of my life. I still feel you with every beat of my heart. And I still have your picture as the first thing I see when I open my cell phone; I haven't switched it to one of Lollipop yet. I don't know that I ever will. I will be looking for you, Daddy, Keisie, and the rest of my beloved when I get there to where you all are. May Jesus have mercy on us all and give us comfort in our time of grief. I love you, baby girl. Don't forget....Momma loves you.
My dear, sweet Suki baby... Today it's been 3 years since you died in my arms. And I don't care what other people say about getting over it. You just don't get over some things like the deaths of your loved ones, especially your baby and your father. I miss you both so very much, you and Daddy. You my beloved furbaby, and my Daddy who was as human as human can get. But I loved him despite his faults, lies, legacy, and all that stuff. You were perfect, Suki. Absolutely the perfect model of perfect love. If only we could all learn from the angels like you that God sends to us in this life. I love you so much, my sweet love. Go find my Daddy and give him a kiss for me. He'll know who it's from. I'll be thinking about you all day today. Much love to you always.....Momma.
My sweet baby Suki dog, I MISS YOU! Tomorrow will be 5 whole years without you. 2 years and 2 months ago today, Daddy died early in the morning from pancreatic cancer after suffering for over a year, and I was not allowed to be there when he took his last breath by his cruel, mean family. But I did get to see him 4 days before he died. It was awful...that look on his face as he watched me leave his hospital room, knowing we would never see each other again. He left me when I was 2 years old, and I agonizingly left him at his deathbed. I need you, my sweet girl, my rock, my angel. If Daddy is there in heaven with you, go to him and let him know that I did not leave him on my own accord and that I still love him so very much. That was my worst sin apparently...I loved my Daddy TOO much. And I have been criticized and judged harshly for it my entire life just as I was criticized and judged by many for loving you as much as I did and still do. You were my priority. You were my baby. And now I have been so very sick for 7+ years now, disabled, bed-ridden, incurable, unable to work or thrive or live life in the way I had dreamed of living. Lollipop is here with me, but she prefers her own alone time sometimes and will sleep on the floor or under the bed some nights. That's why I am missing you as much as I am today; for I feel alone and I know that, if you were here, you would be laying on my chest, curled up under my chin, making sure I am okay. I miss you! I have no way of truly describing it to anyone, even here to you, and that frustrates me. I even miss you more than I miss Daddy. I know that sounds horrible, but you never left me or judged me or lied to me or manipulated an entire family to ultimately hate me. You simply loved me with every breath you took and even with the ones I had to breathe for you when you couldn't. We fought a good fight for your life, didn't we, my sweet baby? I will try to draw strength from how valiant you were during your last 6 years when you were so sick yourself but found a way to live and thrive and be happy for the both of us. You taught me so much. It is ironic that you, a 5-pound little dog, have taught me more about life and death and everything in between more so than anyone or anything else in this world other than God Himself. I still truly believe you were an angel in disguise sent to me by my beloved Lord and Savior. And I cry out to Him now begging Him to bring me some measure of comfort during such sad and trying times, especially today on the 2-year-and-2-month anniversary of my biological father's death and tomorrow on the 5-year anniversary of your death. It was you and me all the way to the very end, and for that I am so very grateful I could give you the best death possible given the circumstances at the time. I am terrified of being alone in this world, and Mom and Poppa aren't getting younger or healthier. They are 70 years old and are having to help take care of me, whereas it should be the other way around. How will I be able to live, even exist, when one or both of them are gone or can no longer bring me food and other basic necessities? I wish God would spare me the misery I fear is ahead of me and would bring me home to Him (and you) in heaven soon, very soon. I cannot bear much more sickness and isolation and pain. Suki, I'm coming for you, baby girl. I'm coming for you. 🎶 I will bring you to where two roads meet. Come back above where there is only love... It was the ground beneath your feet. 🎶 Momma loves you so very much!
Hi my Suki girl. I couldn't sleep last night because I have been wheezing with every breath I exhale. I hate this whistling noise when I'm having trouble breathing. I wish you were here to lay on my chest and help me breathe properly the way you used to do. At least Lollipop is right here with me and has been sprawled out on the pillows next to my head. But she is much more into whatever she's dreaming about than staying awake to monitor my breathing. But that's ok. I'm just glad she slept on the sofa with me last night. I get so lonely sometimes. And I'm just missing you today and want you to somehow know that. I am so looking forward to seeing you in heaven. I can hardly keep my eyes open and am having trouble typing this on my iPad, so I'm going to go try to catch my breath and get some much needed sleep. I love you, my sweet baby girl. And, oh how I miss your soothing, little Suki snores that were your very own lullaby just for me! Think about me, baby. I know you will never forget me. I love you more than the depth and breadth of the ocean.
Hi my baby girl. Two days ago marked 7 years without you. Suki, I still hurt every bit as much as I did on our last day together. I still cry for you and miss you terribly in the night, wishing you were still here curled up under my chin or nestled in the small of my back as I sleep. I miss your little Suki snores. Oh, this hurts too much! I can't write right now. I couldn't do it on your death anniversary 2 days ago, and I can't do it today. I am so sorry for that, my love. All I can think about is being with you and Keisie and the rest of my family in heaven. I hate it here without all of you. I am losing more every day it seems. I know that I cannot walk this earth alone. And for that reason I am terribly afraid. I love you so much, baby. I will come for you soon.❤️
Hi sweet Suki! How's my baby girl? You've been gone away from me for 8 years now, and it still hurts to even breathe without you here. Oh how I wish we had iPhones back then instead of that crappy little flip-phone I had that I used to take the only 3 videos I have of you. And those were of your last days and, as such, are so hard to watch. I miss you so much! I miss everything about you! And my greatest fear is that dogs do not go to heaven when they die. I am still so sick (going on 10 years now) and, thanks to the idiot lawmakers, am losing access to the healthcare and pain mgmt meds I need just to stay alive. And that terrifies me! You had as many specialists and as long a med list as I do now! I am so grateful to my parents--your Grandmomna and Poppa--for spending so much of their time, money, energy, and love for BOTH of us to keep you alive and thriving as long as possible and now me. The difference though is that you knew how to fight for life and how to thrive simultaneously whereas I feel like I am merely existing and for no really good reason. If I knew with 100% certainty that you are still out there somewhere, I would choose to be there with you instantly with no hesitation. But I'm pretty sure that is against "the rules" of God, heaven and hell, faith, hope, love, and all things Biblical. I just want the suffering to end. You fought for every second you had just to make me happy. I wish I had your strength, for you were my angel, my very own blessing straight from God Himself! I look forward to seeing you again some day when God grants me mercy and relieves me from the pain and suffering of this life in this world on this planet where I do not nor ever have belonged. I just want to fall asleep with you curled up and tucked under my chin where I can feel your soft warmth and hear the sweetest sound I've ever heard--your sweet little Suki snores. Instead, I sleep mostly alone, for Lollipop prefers to sleep at the foot of the bed in the opposite corner from me and sometimes even prefers the floor or under the bed. I hate that! And, since mid-Dec 2015, we have been living with my parents. I have lost almost everything to a natural disaster that decimated my apt, and whatever belongings of mine that could be salvaged and were not discarded as "junk and trash" by Poppa are in storage. I don't know if I will ever see my things again, including every family photo and memento I ever had! If God is going to continue to strip everything from me as if I were Job himself, then why not just take my life, my very breath, and bring me HOME to Him where I belong?! I belong with you and Keisie and the rest of my loved ones who've gone before me and who were saved by the blood of Christ. I know not everyone will make it there, and that causes me great despair. But you, sweet Suki, you were absolutely perfect for me and to me. God made no mistakes when He created you--with your birth defect and all--and gave you to me on your 3rd day of life. I held your tiny body in the palm of my hand much like my mother did with me when she was finally allowed to hold me after being in an incubator for 7 weeks after being born 3 months early. I fit into the palm of HER hand, I was so small. And her faith and belief in me never wavered, not even for a single second. She believed I would live when no one else did! My, how blessed I am to have her as my mother! And, even though I never had any "real" children of my own, I loved you and had the same unwavering faith for you and your life and ultimately for your struggle to push through your own health problems, pain, and suffering just as she did and still does for me. I have learned much from you, my Little One. I love you dearly, Suki, and it is my greatest desire that God will allow you to be the first to greet me whenever I do pass from this life into whatever comes next. Meanwhile, I keep my hope and faith in Him, and I hold tightly to the love you & I shared and the memories we made. And I try my best to pass that along to Lollipop, who is such a sweetheart but more independent than you were. I love you with all my heart & soul, and I miss you on this terrible, terrible day that marks the 8th anniversary of your death. I gave you the very best I had to give. And I know that you knew that all the way through your final breath. My heart stopped and irretrievably broke in two when I felt your last heartbeat underneath my fingers. At least you knew you were greatly loved and were in your momma's arms when you died. I pray that God is holding you now for me, waiting until my time comes, and that He will give you back to me when I get there. You are still my greatest love, Suki! Momma loves you! 😘💞🙏🏻💯😢
Hey sweet baby girl! I don't have the words right now, but I still wanted to tell you that I am missing you so very much. I wish you were here, helping me to feel not so alone, to help me find enough hope to hang on like you did and take life one day at a time. But it's getting harder and harder to do that. Suki, I am so tired. I am so utterly exhausted physically, tormented psychologically, overwhelmed emotionally, and drained spiritually. I desperately need the comfort God gave to me through YOU in ways that only you could give. I miss you, my sweet Suki! I miss you more than anyone will ever know, understand, or respect. That's why I write to you here--my many love letters turned into prayers that come from my very bones. Only God can save me from my wretched life. I just want to see and hold you again. And I want to be with my family again. You and Keisie are the first two I want to see when I get there. I wonder if God grants such wishes when we enter into heaven. I want to be in heaven with my Creator, my Lord and Savior, my one and only true God. I'm so tired of being so sick, and I hate being disabled. I've lost everything! And there are too many cruel and truly evil people in this world who are loving every second of my downfall, my suffering, my losses, and my circumstances that I would not wish on most people (with the exception of a few key players). Enough of that though... I just needed to reach for you again to tell you how much I still love you and miss you. You have my heart, sweet Suki, always and forever. Momma loves you! 😘💗🐶🐾💯🙏🏻✝️
As of today, you, my darling sweet girl, have been gone away from me for 9 years! I can't believe it's been that long! I'm sorry I haven't been by here in a long while. I have some really bad news: Poppa died. But you already know that because I am sure that you are sitting in his lap right now alongside Koko and Nicki with Pumpkin, Layla, and Trixie at his feet. My heart broke when I had to let you go home to God, but at least I was there holding you, helping you through that transition, feeling your last heart beat, and hearing your last sigh of breath escape you even as I was saying "Momma loves you" over and over with my lips pressed to the top of your tiny head so that you could feel the vibrations of my voice.
But Poppa--the best dad a girl could ever dream of having--died in the ICU in the hospital after suffering through a month-long coma following heart surgery that was supposed to have him home with us after only a week-long stay in the hospital. He wasn't supposed to die! We don't even know what exactly caused a cascade of what ended up being fatal complications after the surgery. He had the same surgeon (who is renowned and allegedly the "best") who had done all of his other surgeries over the years, so he trusted the man and his skill. Despite that though, Poppa had grave misgivings about this surgery to the point that he called the surgeon's office the day before its scheduled date to try to get out of it or postpone it, but the know-it-all twit who served as the surgeon's main receptionist told Poppa that, if he wanted to see 80, he would have to have this surgery as scheduled.
I'm not going to tell the detailed story here, but that surgeon and the mistakes he made before, during, and after the surgery tortured and killed my dad! Not only that, the surgeon and everyone else in that hospital who had anything at all to do with his case refused to return our phone calls, answer our questions, or give us any specific information that might have helped us make better decisions about my dad's care and the ultimate outcome of his medical nightmare! Even worse, for the first 3 weeks of the coma following the surgery, they refused to abide by my dad's Advanced Healthcare Directive (aka Living Will) despite Mom literally reading it (and later screaming it) to them line item by line item, each one specifying in no uncertain terms exactly what Poppa did and did not want in terms of being kept alive via any and all forms of life support. When he coded and crashed the 1st time (at the 3 week mark), they ignored the DNR that was in his medical chart as part of his Living Will and went ahead and resuscitated him and only AFTERWARDS did they finally call us to inform us of the crash, code, and resuscitation. They continued to be vague to us, telling us just enough to give us false hope. He crashed and coded again 1 week later. And that time, they actually did honor my dad's wishes and literally did nothing, including NOT calling us yet again until AFTER the fact. And so my beloved Poppa--who raised me since I was 6 years old and was the love of my mother's life--died alone in a generic ICU room. Why? WHY?! He wasn't supposed to die! He WANTED to LIVE! Mom & I were his everything, his reason to live, his purpose in life!
He was only 73 years old! So I have lost BOTH of my dads now--Daddy (my bio-dad who left us for his secretary when I was 2) and Poppa (my superhero dad who was the one who actually raised me and was always there for me no matter what)--and it's just Mom, Lollipop, and me left in this beautiful house Poppa built for us.
I along with a new and younger financial advisor/planner managed to find and get all of the finances in order, moved, consolidated, reinvested, and mapped out in such a way that it should last until the end of MY life with built-in contingencies for both Mom & me for unforeseen circumstances that might arise. We accomplished more in 3 months than most people in such a nightmarish predicament do in 1-2 years. Beyond that though, we are broken-hearted beyond repair and feel utterly lost & completely overwhelmed. I have never had this much responsibility thrust upon me in an instant, and most days I feel the weight of it pushing me further down into the quicksand that's become the foundation underneath my feet. I have to take care of Mom now as best I can, but I could never fill Poppa's shoes in the way that he took care of her, of me, of this house, of everything! I have always called him my very own superhero, and I never fully realized just how true that characterization of him truly was until now.
This still isn't real yet for me. He died on May 10, 2017. I wrote his obituary. I planned his funeral service down to each second and chose every single note of music, including 3 of my family's favorite hymns. We had a single cello player and Poppa's favorite soloist from our church's choir. He sang The Lord's Prayer a cappella, sang a duet of How Great Thou Art with our church's Director of Music accompanied by only the cello, and at the end of the service led the entire congregation to sing my 3 favorite verses from Amazing Grace. I designed his funeral to be a celebration of his life and tried not to take on a somber, mournful tone. I wrote a FB post that other people labeled as a tribute. As such, it ended up becoming the main part of the eulogy that was delivered by the senior pastor of our church. I have made so many mistakes in my life and carry an enormous amount of shame from them. All I ever really wanted the most was to make my parents proud of me. And I accomplished that and much more with that funeral of all things! I hope so anyway.
I need you now more than ever, sweet Suki! I miss you so much that my heart hurts. Momma loves you! 💗💗
Hi Sweetheart! Momma still misses you! It has been 11 years now since you've been gone. I can't believe it's been that long! Mom and I are still struggling without Poppa here. And we both have been sick nearly the entire time for the past 2+ years. I hope you are snuggling up in heaven with Poppa and Keisie as much as possible. I am so looking forward to seeing you again! Earlier today, I was reminiscing about our Houston apartment and how much we both loved it. You had your favorite spot on the wide, overstuffed arm of the loveseat where you would lay and watch the world go by through the window. Every morning as I was leaving to go to work, you'd give me your saddest, most pitiful puppy-dog face that made me want to never, ever leave you even for only a few minutes. But I had to go and work. The best part of every day back then for 13 years was coming home to you at the end of the day. You'd come flying off of the love seat, take a running leap of trust, and land in my arms. You'd be so excited to see me and were never stingy with your sweet little kisses.
Oh, Dr. Neil passed away from a super-secret cancer. I am beyond upset at not being able to pay my respects, offer condolences, or say goodbye to him. For some unknown reason, no one would tell anyone just how sick he was and with what. So, if you see him there, please go love on him and remind him of me and how much he meant to all of us--Poppa, Mom, me, Koko, Trixie, Pumpkin, Layla, Nikki, and you. There will never be another one like you, baby girl. Please, please take care of Poppa and give him some kisses from me. I miss ALL of you so very much! Momma loves you! 💗
Hey Babygirl! I'm sure by now you have found Mandi up there. At 13 years old, she had a tumor on her bladder that was causing all kinds of adverse symptoms. So Pam decided to end it while at the vet. It was an unplanned decision that she made alone. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for Pam! Even though I made the decision for you completely on my own too, at least Mom and Poppa were there with us in the room with Dr. Neil, which helped ME help YOU go through the process. Pam and Paul are devastated and heartbroken, and their heartbreak (and Pam's detailed text msgs of Mandi's last moments, including a photo 🤦🏼♀️😢) bring mine back to the surface for you. (How incredibly tone deaf of her!) I still miss you so much and wish you could have lived here forever wIth me. But I also look forward to seeing you again one day when it's my turn to leave this life and reunite with you in Heaven. THEN we will have our "forever together" along with the rest of our family. Lollipop is healthy and 12 years old now, which is how long you've been gone from me. Yet it still feels like yesterday when I felt your last heartbeat. Pam sent me a photo of her holding Mandi right at that last heartbeat-moment for her. It gutted me because I remember every single detail of your death so vividly. As heartbreaking as that moment was and still is, your death process is one of my most cherished memories because I was able to hold you against my own heart, talk you through the process (despite your deafness by then) with my lips against the top of your head so you could feel the vibration and cadence of my voice Saying "Momma loves you," and giving you the very best death I could.
These are crazy times down here, and I'm glad that all of my beloved family members and furbabies who have passed are no longer here to live through the current insanity, absurdity, and apathy of a world engulfed in flames, drowning in hurricanes, and besieged by a global pandemic. The politics alone are infuriating! Some days, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams; other days, I feel like I'm holding my breath...as if underwater...waiting for it all to be over, waiting for the moment when life returns to some semblance of normalcy. The problem is that things will never return to "normal" as we have known our world and lives to be thanks to the deadly nature of the incredibly contagious Covid-19 virus that has infected 7,600,846 in the US and 35,135,044 globally and has claimed 214,277 US deaths and 1,037,974 globally (at the time of this writing). There are on average around 47,000-55,000 new US cases each day and growing. And now President Donald Trump is hospitalized with Covid-19 at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center as of yesterday, and his WH, Admin, and doctor continue to lie to the world about, oh, EVERYthing, including how he's truly doing medically. I expect a breaking news story notifying us of his worsening or even his death any day now. God is doing huge things in the world right now; so is Satan. Only in retrospect will it become clear as to who was doing what during this historical nightmare.
Given my severe immune deficiency and other comorbidities, I am absolutely terrified of this virus for myself as well as for Mom. I don't want to die, but I don't quite know how to live anymore under so much global and national uncertainty and "quarantine fatigue." I'm staying as social as I can online in an effort to remain connected in some way to other human beings. Phone calls with friends help tremendously. The one almost comforting thing about this pandemic is that everyone around the world is experiencing pretty much the same fears and struggles. Connecting with other people during this unusual shared human experience is crucial and enables me to, yet again, find joy in the midst of suffering. This is when real personal growth occurs--thanks, adversity, for that...ugh--for it is the darkness that teaches us who we really are and is where we find our own light. And that is where hope begins. Jesus is my ultimate Hope; Heaven, my ultimate destination; and you Suki, my guardian angel.
I love you more than words can describe, and I cry for you today as I remember you and miss you. And I cry for Pam and Paul as they cry for their beloved Mandi. Go snuggle up to Mandi and show her the best pile of leaves to run through. She's a super-sweet little girl like you and would be most appreciative of your help and friendship. Go do what you do best...love. And give Poppa and Keisie some extra kisses and snuggles from me. I miss you ALL so, so much! 😭 And remember that Momma loves you! Always and forever yours! 😘💞 #NothingCompares2U🎵
⚠️ DISCLAIMER: Despite what this particular letter reveals about my mental health, I am NOT actively suicidal and I very much WANT TO LIVE beyond merely existing. I want to THRIVE again. So, please, no one call the police to do a welfare check on me. It is not necessary and will only cause more unwanted problems in the home. I just need to let all of my tension, anxiety, fear, and anger out somehow and without hurting anyone in any way during this lifelong process. So, even though I don't deserve it, I am asking for your prayers, your encouragement, and your mercy. 🙏🏻
Hey Suki, my sweetest baby! Today is Lollipop's 13th birthday, and I can't even spend it with her because I have been banished to the upstairs again. Been up here for nearly 2 weeks now. Went the first 4 days with zero food, and wow did that make me far weaker than I ever expected! Mom has totally taken over my Lollipop and taught her all kinds of bad habits that I spent the first 11 of her 13 years deliberately disallowing her from developing those same bad habits. It feels like Lolli is not even mine anymore. And now you, sweet Suki-dog, have been gone from me for 13 years. And today is the day after Father's Day and 2 days after what would have been Mom & Poppa's 44th wedding anniversary.
I am no good here, Suki. I never belonged in this world. If you were here, I could make it. You always knew how to keep me going no matter what--even when my family was killed; even when I myself almost died...twice. You were the only living being who's unwavering loyalty to me never ever failed, not even for a single second. You always reached out to me, crawled up on me, snuggled & cuddled with me, especially during the times I could not breathe (asthma & bronchia- & laryngospasms), had anxiety attacks, was sick. But now I am despised by my elderly mother (who constantly compares herself to me, which is a false equivalency and, therefore, makes no sense), hated by her legitimately batshit-crazy sister, and am absolutely useless to ANYone but especially to my mother, who has been my *entire reason for living* since you, Keisie, Grandmom, Judy, Honey, and Poppa died. It's always and inexplicably been the good-at-heart ones who die too soon.
So who's going to be next? Mom with her self-confessed death wish OR me with my way-too-soft heart and undeniable spiral down into the deep, dark abyss of depression and passive-suicidal ideation?
I have tried so very hard to take care of Mom (and the house, their finances/bills/investments, all taxes and insurance policies/renewals, etc) since Poppa died almost 4.5 years ago, but it is never good enough. About 3.5 weeks ago, she told me she "would be perfectly fine if [she] doesn't wake up tomorrow" because then she'd be with Poppa...dead. Because of the way she said it and in context of the conversation (which was little more than a vocalized memo because she NEVER actually has any kind of dialogue with me anymore), her declaration and response to my follow-up question translated in my mind into her preferring to be dead (with her dead husband) than alive (with her live daughter) with the implication that it is because of me, that I make life for other people, including her, not worth living. My aunt screamed at me that I have been a horrible human being for my entire life and especially for the past 2 years, which is ironic because I was her biggest cheerleader, supporter, friend, and encourager during that time period while her husband (my uncle) has been battling cancer and all kinds of complications. Wow, did I miss that mark by a country mile! No good deed goes unpunished by *any* of them.
What if they are right? What if I truly am such a "horrible human being"? No one will ever want or desire or date or marry me because, as per my parents over the years, I am not thin enough (I am straight-up fat after being hermetically sealed inside this house from the Covid-19 pandemic for 1.5 years and counting), I'm too old (at 50 and for the previous 15-20 years at the very least), I had to retire from what *I* thought was a successful 20-year career, and apparently my personality is the worst.🙄 Uh, NO to all of that!
So, all I can do is reassess myself at the end of every day, recognize/acknowledge my mistakes, make corrections & adjustments as needed while learning from my mistakes, try not to repeat the same mistakes, and hang on for dear life. I knew the ride would be bumpy, but damn this sucks! I am unworthy of this life, of anyone's love, even of God's grace. I cannot stand being as physically sick as I am with my immune deficiency and in so much chronic and acute pain from my scoliosis and now whatever is wrong with my neck (possible bulging disc or pinched nerve going on a full year now).
And accidentally tripping and face-planting into the hard floor of a now very clean & cozy TV room with my mother standing over me screaming at me in an angry, mocking, very unsympathetic tone ("Are you hurt?! Am I going to have to take you to the ER?! Answer me!!!") after my best friend and I spent 2 full weeks working our asses off (while Mom did nothing) to get the downstairs all organized, decluttered, and clean FOR MOM did not help matters whatsoever. Neither did her insulting complaints of the work we had done, and we still had another day to finish up the last remaining downstairs bits. But, no, she couldn't wait one more day and said a hurtful, maddening insult to me about it, and I snapped. For this was not the first or the last insulting complaint she would lob my and/or my friend's way. Not cool, Mom. Not cool at all.
Her lack of patience and unwillingness to listen, hear, learn, and participate in the house project infuriated me and more than merely hurt my feelings. And it's HER house that only she currently gets to enjoy! And she owes me a sincere apology for what she said to me as non-constructive, insulting, unfair, ungrounded criticism (which leads to judgment, which finally ends in condemnation). All she had to say was,
"I am sorry. I was wrong to say what I said. I should have listened more carefully to the plans instead of jumping to conclusions. I am sincerely sorry. I love you, and I want you to come back downstairs to stay with me and to help me. Thank you for all that you have done and continue to do for me."
That's it; that's all. No if's, and's, or but's. No "I'm sorry IF you got your feelings hurt." Umm, nope, that's a BS, empty, hollow, passive-aggressive apologetic attempt to pull the wool over my eyes while holding herself high up on a teetering, self-righteous, narcissistic pedestal that everyone else all must bow down to.
But she got what she wanted from phase 1 of the house project for the most part and got it without lifting a single finger of her own. I now regret convincing my friend to start the "parental house overhaul" on the downstairs instead of the upstairs, but I made that decision because that is where Mom lives (and where I used to and need to live so I can monitor her vitals & overall physical well-being throughout the night, keep her O2 on her face because she pulls it off literally every 5 mins, help her get up off the floor every time she rolls/falls out of the bed, keep her company during the day, make sure she has whatever food she wants to eat (which has become challenging because she refuses to make a decision on ANYthing), monitor & dispense her weekly pill case & prevent any accidental overdoses, schedule & take her to all of her doctor appts, keep extensive notes on all kinds of appts, etc, etc). Her cognitive & physical decline terrify me!
She values my efforts so little that she undermines everything I do for her. She cancels the dr appts I've scheduled for her and then deletes MY entries & notes from our Family Shared iOS calendar. I'm seriously thinking about turning off the Family Sharing plan, subscription options, and her access to my digital everything, which she doesn't use anyways. Plus, it all costs more, and I'm paying for all of that with my own disability money.
Suki, I have literally had to let go of my life and any dreams I may have once had in order to take care of my elderly mother as best I can with no help, no blueprints, no User Guide, no preparation from Poppa before he died. All I get in return is her complete lack of gratitude and faith in me, zero acknowledgment (especially if I speak out loud to her), and all of her melodramatic martyrdom and victimhood routine. God, she is so passive-aggressive and emotionally manipulative! And it works! On me anyways.😒 Every. Single. Time.🥺
Now she AND Lollipop are enjoying all that clean, organized space while I'm thrown back upstairs with all the shit that's "out of sight, out of mind." Suki, that is exactly what I am--rubbish that is out of sight, out of mind. And I HATE IT! I am so lonely and can't even cuddle with Lollipop. I woke up so sick today that I had to lay on the cold, hard bathroom floor upstairs for 2 hours. Mom could not have cared less. I am merely but a nuisance and unwanted presence to her despite the fact that I am the ONLY person willing to be her sole, full-time, live-in, 24/7 caretaker. I have asked other family members for help during the past 3-4 years, and they all flat-outright said, "No!" I am emotionally exhausted, spiritually disconnected, psychologically weary, and physically ill from the anxiety and angst caused by her and our circumstances. The loneliness is killing me inside. I feel like I am being vaporized in slow motion.
Suki, I just want to be wherever you & Poppa & Keisie are--presumably heaven. But would God still forgive me and let me in if I ended my life here? I've been wondering that ever since I was 14 years old. I was supposed to be "somebody"; and, when it became clear that I would never reach that status, I became irrelevant to the world and a complete disappointment to my parents. Nobody seems to care about how *I* feel about any of that...or the BS that's going on now. I'm no good to anyone like this. Hell, even I don't like me right now. I am worthless, and I feel like I want to die. I want you back, Suki. I want Lollipop to be with me and to love on me, but now she prefers my mother (and the many treats she gives her) over me. Not cool at all! Looks like bribery to me.
I miss you beyond measure, Suki. I just know you were my guardian angel during your life and time on this earth. And now I feel completely and utterly alone, devoid of any angels. Even Jesus and God feel so far away from me. But, then again, I don't blame them; for I am unworthy, unrighteous (at least in attitude), undeserving, and without merit. I feel so lost and unwanted right now. I can't take this much longer, Suki.
I dream of our Houston apt together and how you loved it so much! Such sweet memories of you there! I love you and miss you so much and wish you were right here in my arms letting me know that I too am indeed loved. 😢 Momma still loves you more than anything! 💞🙏🏻