I don't know what I can say. I am so sorry. I don't know what happened except you are suddenly gone and I am missing you so unbelievably. I never knew raw pain until now. I feel guilty and I am sorry. You were so scared to be at the vet -- I should have taken you home. I never thought this would happen. You had eye surgery and I was afraid if we didn't do it soon you would start getting the complications the Dr. talked about. I had already put it off for a month. You were so scared, like you always are, to go into the vet by yourself. I went with you all the way to the back room. I had to leave, and you looked at me like "Why are you leaving?" I am sorry I left. The Dr. called after a couple hours and said you had a small seizure. He said you were first on the surgery schedule, but he had been addressing an situation that required his attention. He started to give you the meds for the surgery and he said you had a small seizure, 7 or 8 seconds. Not shaking, tonic/clonic. He said you seemed to "go out", smack you lips and then sat up looking like "what just happened?" The Dr. called the medication companies asking if it was a side effect and they said "no" but they would report it. So the Dr. said he thought it was stress. He said instead of waiting until after work to pick you up, I needed to pick you up right away when you were able to get up and go home. I came to get you and you were really still drugged up and dazed. They helped me get you into the car, stable and laying down. I called Jen, my neighbor to help me get you out of the car. I remembered I had the ramp that I used for Vivian and wondered if you would use it (she was afraid of it). You were SO great. You were scared and wobbly, but you did it. I was so proud of you!! You got into the house and flopped down. You would move yourself around and reposition now and then but didn't move much. You panted so hard I called the Dr. and he said that was just the anesthesia wearing off and if it was still going on the next day, to call them back. Your breathing eventually got better and I was relieved. I wasn't so worried at that point but I hated seeing you that way. I could only think that I couldn't wait for you to be better and bugging me with that big cone on your head. Oh, and I had to put the cone on when you got home because you were such a big boy and it would be difficult to have you in the car with the cone on. I had trouble figuring out at first -- such a duh! -- but I figured it out and finally got it over your head. I thought it was small so I didn't snap in the first snap and just tied the gauze around your neck to keep it on -- thinking you would soon be up. You eventually laid down in the bedroom where you spent a lot of your time and at one point, you rolled over a bit for me to scratch your belly. I thought we were getting there for you to start coming out of the drugs. Later, you got up and wanted to go outside and pottied/pooped and then plopped down on the patio so exhausted. You didn't want to move so I let you lay there for about 5 minutes, came back and nudged you. You got up and went back in the house. You were eventually in the bedroom again -- on the floor, of course. You had trouble jumping on the bed as it was, let alone with a cone on. I left some lights on so you wouldn't get disoriented. I laid down and kept an "ear open". I heard you kind of scuffle a bit and figured you were repositioning yourself. Then I smelled something, and I thought you had farted or something. It didn't go away so I got up and you had moved. I saw a little poop on the throw rug and thought that was it. I picked it up and threw it out, and laid back down. The smell still didn't go away so I got up again and when I moved you a bit I saw you had been incontinent. I cleaned you up - without resistance from you. I should have known something was wrong then. You were still laying odd, kind of splayed out with your back legs so I rolled you on your side. I noted you had peed and cleaned that up. I laid back down -- there were lights on in the bathroom too so you wouldn't feel disoriented. I heard you pee again and I got up, cleaned that up and you smacked you lips. I thought you had another small seizure. I must have petted you and called your name. There was no response. I petted you more, shook you, called your name, really loud, shook you more, looked in your eyes and your mouth. I knew I couldn't get you in the car by myself. I was hoping/thinking or not thinking or what ever but that you were post-ictal. I called 911, crying and I don't know if I was yelling or not but asked to have the sheriff come over and get you in the car. This was all around 1:30 am. They came and checked your pulse under your arm and said they didn't feel anything. I was crying, hysterical and told them not to tell me -- I didn't want to know. I gave them a blanket and they even had trouble getting you in the car. I know I knew but I didn't want to think. I got you to the emergency vet, they said you didn't have a pulse and did I want CPR. I said yes so they got you in the back, also having trouble getting you out of the car. I went into that infamous little room. Within a few minutes -- 5 minutes or so? The tech came in and said the Dr. was calling me -- my phone was in the car. So, he came in the room to tell me that you were intubated but there was no heartbeat. They had tried but I knew how long you had probably been gone at that point. I said they could stop, and they brought you in so I could say goodbye! I didn't want to say goodbye. You should still be here. We were only together for 3 years. I told you how sorry I was. It seemed natural to say that, but I also wondered why was I saying that? What had I done? What did I think I had done? You were gone. I said to do an autopsy and then I will get your ashes. I am devastated and traumatized. Did I let you get to big -- you were 180 pounds and you were probably 20 pounds overweight. We couldn't get out to walk since it is 115 degrees. Should I taken you home when I saw you were so scared? Should I have come and gotten you when the Dr. said you had a seizure? I was hoping in the back of my mind he would say he didn't want to do the surgery at that point. But he didn't and I didn't. Did the stress cause you to go away? Someone mentioned maybe it was a stroke. Was it from the stress? I am sorry I also sent you back for remedial training. You were a big boy and tried to bite someone -- again. You were so scared to go with the trainer and were shaking and cowering. I said I didn't think I would do that again. Did I let you down? You were saving me. You kept me alive. I don't ask the question why because there are no answers. But why? Why are you gone?

More to come to talk about what a great dog you were -- and still are at Rainbow's Bridge.

I have no reason to live. I want to be with Tiberius. I want you to be with me. All I can think about is shaking and shaking you to wake you up. Call you name really loud, shaking you, looking in your eyes, looking in your mouth, trying to get some kind of response.

I want to say that I let you down. But this isn't about me. Except how much I miss you. My heart is killing me. How can I know you are ok? Are you ok? I just can't believe you are gone. It feels like my heart has been cut out of my chest.

I don't know how long this shock will last. I just sit here and stare and wonder in disbelief. When I say I don't want to ask "Why?", I mean Why in the spiritual sense, not the physical sense. And how nothing makes sense.

You kept me alive. I used to say to you, "you are what keeps me alive" because I didn't really care about anything. Now I care even less. I don't know if I will ever stop crying.

You are such a handsome boy. I did my toenails in your colors. A "french pedicure" in reddish brown and a stripe of white.

I need to talk about what a really beautiful boy you are. I adopted you from that horrible rescue Canine Coalition Mastiff Rescue. They starved you and lied to me. You were so, so skinny when I got you. Probably 40 pounds under weight at 122. (You looked best around 160 and I let you get to 180.......sigh). They said you were sad because your sister was adopted but you were not and you missed her. You didn't want to eat and she was the more outgoing one. She would engage people and then you would follow. They said you came from Compton, California, (YIKES) and after my research, I found I was your 4th "home" in a year. "Home" meaning fosters, rescues, etc. Not real homes.

When you came in the door, the laundry room, the dog food bag was right there. You had your big head in the bag in about a minute - so far for being shy and didn't want to eat. LOL. They I gave you bowls of food to eat. You ate 10 cups/bowls of dog food before I stopped giving it to you! I though OMG! Then at one point I looked at your paws - HUGE - and thought, again, OMG! I didn't pay attention to your age. When I realized you were only 1 year old, along with your paws and your appetite, I thought OMG - what have I done?? (after my research it seemed more like 2 years old). You and Vivian started playing right away - the next day. I brought you to the vet and they were omgoodness. I now had 3 dogs, 2 that were over 100 pounds. You were so sweet, people petted you. When we left the vet I brought you up the sidewalk to Ocho Loco (mexican restaurant where my neighbor worked) and said "Hey Jen! Look what I got?" She came out and stood close by him - didn't pet him. She yelled to Ricky, her boyfriend/co-worker to come out. Ricky saw you and walked toward you. You gave a HUGE bark at him. I was so surprised - I don't think I had even heard you bark until then - we had been together about 3 days. Ricky backed off a bit. Then tried walking toward you again and you did the same thing. Needless to say, Ricky did not get to pet you. No one did for a long time, except for me (and Colleen - just a bit - but that story is to come).

You know, at this time I don't want to go into your very protective behavior for me where you even scared the trainer. LOL

You were beautiful and I always people to look at you from the back because you looked like you were wearing shorts. I regret I don't have a picture.

More to come for my beautiful boy.

I talked to the Vet today and he is shocked and upset also. He called the drug company and they offered to pay to find out what happened. You are so special that VetMed is driving you ashes up to the Anthem Vet herself so I don't have to drive down there and can keep everything with our "Family Practice". :-)

OK - let's talk about your training. Like I said, you were so sweet - and to me you always were/are - and then became very, very aggressive. Again, not to me. And you always loved other dogs. People seemed to be a bit of a problem for you, lol. After I saw that I have to say, I was unsure about keeping you (God Forbid I thought that and Thank God I did and we stayed together!) I remember the moment I soooo fell in love with you and you became my "Big Boy". I was talking to Colleen on the phone and it may have been when I was thinking of what your name would be. I was out on the patio, it was evening and I looked at you and something fell into place and I knew you were mine forever.

Then the time came for training. When the trainer came over, he told me he was afraid of you. I put you outside so the trainer and I could talk. I blocked the doggie door and you kept banging you head on the door trying to get back in. The trainer finally go nervous enough to say we needed to finish up because you were going to come through the door at any point! lol

BTW - back track, I don't know if I mentioned this but, before I realized what was going on, my friend Howie came by to pick me up and I said "Hey Howie! Come meet my new boy!" He started to walk up to the door - fortunately it was locked - when he got about 8 feet from the door, you jumped at the door and was splayed across the door. You scared Howie so much that he wouldn't even talk about it later (we went to a party at a friends house). I would bring it up and he completely ignored me. I was surprised when you did that too!

You also bit another friend but she was, well, stupid the way she approached you with her hands out and cupped. She knew your personality and she still thought she was some Dog Whisperer. lol You showed her. But then she blamed you and told everyone what happened, conveniently leaving out what she actually did. Well, Colleen and I took care of that and made sure everyone knew the truth. If someone came at me that I didn't know the way she came at you, I'd lunge at them and bite them too! You did nothing wrong. You were nice to Colleen because she respected you and your space.

So you went to training for three weeks. You did so well! They said you would be in training for 3 to 6 weeks and you did so well, you came home at 3 weeks! Of course when you came for the training days on Monday morning, you got a little too much attention that Vivi didn't like. She let you know it and you said "ok". But you still loved each other.

You did so well and I was/am so proud of you!

Can I back track again - as things come to my mind. When you first came home you jumped on the bed when we went to sleep and tried to keep Vivi off the bed. I said No and made you get off the bed. After that - and I can't believe I was strong enough to do this - you had to sleep in the family room and you weren't supposed to be on the couch. You knew that. But when I got up during the night and walked in the family room, you were curled up on the couch and would lift your head and peek over at me. I told you it was ok. I don't that all lasted very long - was it even a week? I honestly don't remember. But you found your way to bed - me, you and Vivi. Comfy.

You were so funny. You were such a protector to me but when you went to the Vet, they were so NOT afraid of you and saw what a big baby you really were/are. Your first grooming the groomer said you only had to wear a muzzle was for your ears but that was the only time. And that was because you didn't really know each other. The Groomer said you loved your bath, laying down in the bubbles, shaking and waving you head when you were blow dried. Others came and petted you without knowing you might not like that. Then you would hang your head out the window shaking your head showing everyone how handsome you were. They loved/love you. You got so scared to go there. I had to walk all the way in when COVID came around even though they wouldn't let anyone in. You were/are special.

Then during one of our walks, you snapped at someone who wanted to pet you. I always told you to sit and told the people to be slow and put their hand out for you to sniff. You were always ok with it and let people pet you. After a couple years (?) you got a little more particular who you want to pet you until you snapped at one person. Well, you had to go back to training and you were so, so scared. When the trainer came over, he took your leash and you pulled, and pulled back because you didn't want to go. When he got you around to his side, you looked at me, shaking so bad and shrunken down, I couldn't stand it. But as your mom, I had to make that hard decision. You were a big boy (175 pounds at that point) and I needed to protect you. If you ever really followed through on a bite, you might have to go away to be quarantined - and we would be apart longer. However, when I think back, you were so scared and your big brown eyes looking at me, I finally decided I would never do that again. You came home after about 5 days (the trainer said he would take you for a week but he got really tired of me texting and asking for pictures of you). The trainer was scolding me about my behavior. I think he thought I let you run wild and we both know that wasn't true. You were/are a good boy. He was just a - well, wrong.

The training company would have classes in the park on Saturdays. We went one Saturday - it was at least a year after your initial training. You were sooo scared - and it was warm - so with the two combined, they told me to take you home because they, jokingly, kind of, said they thought you were going to have a nervous breakdown.

Do you remember not passing your temperament test at the Pet Resort? Neither did Vivi or Rusty. Rusty didn't pass because he couldn't hear and they were afraid if another dog surprised him he might snap at them. You and Vivi didn't pass because you were so scared. They took you back to test you and came back within 5 minutes saying no, you were too scared. My big, aggressive boy was/is also a scared little boy.

So, when I talked with the Vet today, I asked about getting another dog and he said he thought I had to. I told him you were my Savior - you saved my life. And I cried. So tell me, did you and Vivi get together and bring this dog to me? He is a St. Bernard/Mastiff mix. And did you hook up with Dellaney and KD to have the foster family say that his friend, a rottweiler/shephard mix to go with him? Did all you guys and gals get together for me and make some decisions? I hope it works out and it is kind of an irony to find this boy on a remote rescue site, have the foster dad answer me within 24 hours, he is available, they live down on Happy Valley - 20 minutes away - and they will let his friend come with him.

I feel guilty going this route and so soon. I have to think it is ok and you are behind it (along with your Vivi, Rusty and your new friends that have been part of our family. I would like you to tell me this is ok, but maybe you already have. I am still grieving and will try to focus on the good things for us. I want you to focus on our good things.

I will be back..........you saved me.