my little puppy, my little chewie
I know your last five days on this earth were very painful and difficult, please find it in your heart to understand that I was only trying to give you every single chance, every possibility, no matter how slim. It is said that nothing is pre-ordained, that every situation is probability and outcome. I had to wait for the outcome.
You tolerated the other chemo protocols so well. You had beaten the odds so far. But this time you deteriorated so very quickly, I know that withholding this last rescue protocol would have killed you, but giving it to you in your weakened state could have done the same. I made the choice for you to fight another battle yet again, and not alone. All of the family stayed home, and were right at your side, day and night. Everything else was placed on hold, Christmas shopping, college classes, or jobs, no longer seemed important. The needs of the few or the one, outweighed the needs of the many. You fought so hard, and you kept showing signs that you were winning again. We had no way of knowing how badly your vital systems were doing inside. You had a CBC only a day earlier and were fine, ready for the next protocol. We never thought things like pancreas protein levels, calcium levels, white blood cell counts could change so quickly over only 3 or 4 days and have such a devastating effect. As the hours passed on the final day, I began to realize that there would be no recovery this time, despite your best effort to show me otherwise. Kidney shutdown, liver failure, blood poisoning, internal bleeding, blood clots, heart failure, and on, any of these or all of these were possibly taking place. When I realized you only had a few hours left to live, I made another important decision, not to rush you to the emergency room, not to let you die on a cold steel table with strangers, but rather at home in your favorite place, with your family next to you. I hope these choices were what you would have wanted.
The kobayashi maru, the no-win scenario, I never faced it before. They say count your fingers and rings after you shake hands with me, I know you wondered too, do I have the ace up my sleeve when the 10 through the king is showing yet again for you. But this was Life and Death, I could not place myself outside to rig this game, and I could not challenge the grim reaper to game of battleship or twister.
How much time do we have left? We all ask this question, most of us never find out the answer ahead of time. Time is what was relevant; the grim reaper tipped his hand this time, telling us how much time you had left. We spent your last six months living it as best we could. To have wasted it in sorrow and pity waiting for your eventual death would have been to lose the kobayashi maru. We did not beat it, but I know in my heart we did not lose it either. Perhaps drawing a stalemate is the way to win the kobayashi maru then?
today 1-4-2016 is Chewie II birthday, he is 13 years old, he has carried on your name faithfully and bravely. he is in a hospital fighting osteosarcoma, his leg was broken and he didnt even whimper, such a brave boy, you would be so proud of him. they have inserted a titanium rod to help him. life continues, life returns, life prevails.
Please also visit Chewie II.
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