~My Poem to Chili on the sixth month after her passing~
My Sweet, you've meant so much to me, throughout our twelve short years
Losing you has left me heartbroken, shedding silent tears
Beautiful, stubborn, sweet and special, my joy and comfort too
I focus on Sweet memories I'll always cherish of you
Each day with you, a gift from God, of this I do believe
I strive to think of special times and try hard not to grieve
So, I thank you, God, once again, for sharing her with me
I know the blessing that she's been, grateful I'll always be

Chili, you have so many nicknames! I always think to myself it is a sign of being much loved! Some of them were: Sweet, Funny, Pretty, Beautiful, Chili Bean, Beaner, Chil Chil, Mischief Maker, My Sweet Girl,My Special,Stubborn Girl, My Joy and Comfort, Silly, Wiggly, My Blessing, My Gift

~Sweet, there are many special memories I have of things you've done. I'm going to try and record them~

-Sweet, I'll never forget picking you up that first day and taking you home. It was so cold outside that I put you under my sweatshirt to keep you warm. You snuggled up against my belly, where you remained for the whole 3 hr drive, only occasionally crawling up my shoulder and poking your head out to look around. You'd then crawl back down to lay cuddled against me once again. By the time we got home, we belonged to each other.

-Do you remember when you were still a pup how once you crawled up daddy's chest and arm, then curled up on his bicep and went to sleep? You were so teeny that you comfortably fit there...

-Whenever I got home, you would wiggle your tail so hard your back end would swing wildly from side to side! I'd lie on my back and you'd run up my chest. You would enthusiastically lick my face, concentrating on my nose, more often than not resulting in your little tongue traveling so far up it that I was sure it touched my brain!

-As a pup, when I'd get home, you would do your wiggle and greet me, while grabbing my finger with your teeth, as if to keep me from leaving again! I taught you to get a stuffed toy to hold as you greeted me, which you did throughout your life.

-You used to do "The Superman" off of our bed, which scared me to death, even though it was amazing.

-You always wanted to go inside my shirt and lie on my chest. All through your life, you would climb on my lap and scratch at my chest, until I would let you in! You would stick your head out of the neck hole and fall to sleep that way. Daddy said he was always jealous that HE couldn't sleep between the boobies :0) You started your life with the family snuggled against me inside my shirt and spent hours that last day in exactly the same position. You rode to the last vet visit right there in my shirt, where we shared that special warm, loving bond one last times before you were gone.

-Do you remember how much you loved to be chased up and down the hallway? You'd dart into the computer room and wait there, while I plastered myself against the wall by the door... Eventually, you'd DART out of the room and the chase would be on once again.

-You were so so happy when we got Casey and brought him home. You instantly knew he was company for you and you both immediately became fast friends. I have many memories of you two curled up together, playing with toys and challenging each other to pretend fights. You were just as happy to welcome Cal into your little pack, but I remember bringing Ali home and the look you gave me of "Really mom? Another baby in the house?" Regardless, you accepted her and protected her, just like you did all of your crew.

-You always loved warm cuddly blankets, digging at them (you wrecked a few :-) until you could get underneath them and bury yourself in their warmth. I have some adorable pictures of your face peaking out of your cocoons. Even better was when I was curled up under one on the couch. You'd insist on nudging your way in next to me, lie up against my chest, where you would almost instantly fall to sleep curled on your side. Those were special times, some of my favorite memories of us together.

-I'll never forget the warm, loving energy that would pass between us when we would cuddle together. I could litterly FEEL the living, flowing, soul bond we shared. It was amazing to be part of such a relationship. I miss that feeling so so much. It, you, were one of the greatest joys of my life.

-I'll never forget your excitement whenever I opened the back door to let you into the back yard. You insisted on standing in front of the other dogs (you were the boss, after all :-) and as soon as the door was opened, you BOLTED for the maple tree! I always considered it YOUR tree, since that's inevitably were you would head, oftentimes running so fast that you would chase squirrels up it. After you finished barking at those nasty squirrels that had the NERVE to invade your territory, you would walk the perimeter of the yard searching out any threat. You'd then stand at the fence by the neighbor's yard and bark in hopes that their dog would be outside. If he was, you and your crew would engage in a "bark off" with the other dog until I insisted (in a very stern voice, of course :-) that you stop. When you were done, you'd find a spot in the sun, curl up and happily bake. I loved watching you perform your ritual.

-Do you remember how when someone would come over to visit we had to let them in while you watched? Otherwise you would bark nonstop at them, as if they were a threat, until we made them leave the house again. Only after you saw us allow them entrance to the house did you accept that they were permitted in. You were our own little very protective guard dog! :-)

-I always loved when you'd do "The Beetle", lying on your back, waving your petite, elegant legs all around, while I rubbed your belly.

-You were always so smart and stubborn! You wanted to do things YOUR way and in YOUR time. You wouldn't often do things for others. I would have to (exp.) call you in a low firm voice-"Chili....." Although you'd come slowly, maybe stopping to pee along the way, you would come. I admit, it always made me smile, you stubborn girl you!

-I remember how you used love tennis balls, but you were so small that you could not carry them in your mouth, so instead you'd carry them by the fur! LOL!

-You and Daddy used to wrestle together and he would often pin you within his arms. You used to snap at him, once in awhile gently biting his nose! It always made Us both laugh!

-Because of your IMHA illness, you spent a lot of time at the vets over the years. You actually knew the directions! We would get in the car and after a couple of turns you would look out the window and know where we were going. I was always amazed at that!

-I remember the time daddy and I went away. Stephanie was coming to the house to watch you and your crew. We got an emergency call from her anxiously saying she didn't know where you were! She could have sworn you were there earlier, but when she went to put you in your room before leaving, you were nowhere to be found! She was so worried that she called her mother to help her search the house. They couldn't find you anywhere! Daddy and I were so scared! But then I thought about your love of blankets and your stubborn ways. I told Stephanie we were getting ready to come home, but check under your blankets, since you were so small that sometimes we didn't even realize you were there. Sure enough, there you were, too stubborn to come out of your comfortable nest when you were called!

-You were always so excited by Xmas! You happily walked about as the tree would be decorated and when the presents were put under the tree, you would excitedly smell each one looking for yours. You would rip the paper off of yours and pull the stuffed animals out. You, of course, liked the jerky best!

-Do you remember, My Sweet, how in the winter you would often times need to wear little sweaters to stay warm? In your younger years, after a few days you would get tired of your "fashion" and start whining at the counter. For awhile I just couldn't figure out what you wanted! Then one day I picked you up, you leaned over, sniffed at the sweaters sitting up there, picked one up in your teeth and, litterly, HANDED me the sweater! From that point on, I knew if you were whining by the counter, it was time for a fashion change! Of course, strong willed girl that you were, YOU wanted to pick the sweater.....

-Do you remember picking out your first doggy bed together? I took you to the store and put a bunch of dog beds on the ground. You sniffed them all, then went back to the "flower" bed and sat down. That was the bed I bought. You LOVED that bed! We named it The Foo Foo (because it was girly and fancy). When you went to sleep that last time at the vet., I brought The Foo Foo along, with your blanket, a favorite toy and a pretty box. I put The Foo Foo in the box, after you were gone, and laid you on it. I covered you with your blanket and gave you your toy. Your Foo Foo is with you even now, buried with your ashes. I almost kept The Foo Foo, because it was YOUR bed. None of the other dogs ever used it, but it was yours and I think you needed it more than me.....

-Sweet, I remember our walks outside, where you would look like you were prancing, you were so dainty and elegant! People used to stop us all of the time and take your picture. When you turned 6, developed the IMHA and were placed on steroids, among other things, you gained so much weight. I didn't care. You've always been beautiful to me, always my Sweet, My Beautiful, Special girl.... I didn't care that you couldn't prance, or that people looked at your brothers before you. You have always been so very special, so smart and strong, the leader of your little pack. I have always been so, so proud to be your mommy!

-Remember how you hated to go into the water? You didn't want to go in our pool, but would stand on the wave board, floating in the pool, and let me push you around. When the pool cover was on, you would jump on top and race around and around with your brothers!

-You LOVED taking trips with us! When I would start to pack, you would hang your head, looking so forlorn and pitfall. You would sit on the bed, looking depressed until I would begin putting your doggy things together. You instantly knew this meant you and the rest of the fur family were going with us! From that moment on, you would dance around in excitement, all signs of depression gone!

-You never minded being in the car to travel, even when the destination was a long way from home. The only thing you DID mind was if you were asked to sit in the back seat with your brothers. I always tried to be fair, alternating who was sitting up front with mommy..... That never worked well. You would pull at you seat belt and whine so sadly that I could never refuse you. You always ended up front, lying on my pillow, cuddled up with me in a blanket with your seat belt attached to mine. :0)

-All of our trips to Maine each year were so special with you along! I remember, before you became sick, you'd climb Maiden's Cliff with us, scaling cliffs like a true rock climber, always rushing out in front of us, despite your tiny size. The only thing that kept you with us was your retractable leash! Remember the schooner rides we took together each year? We'd get baked goods, climb aboard, where you would be fussed over by other passengers and share the treats we brought along. We'd go to the restaurants that allowed dogs (which I always looked forward to doing). You would sit on my lap while I ate, waiting for me to share small bites of food with you. Remember how when we were at the cabin you would sit on my lap on the deck? I remember one day another large dog wandered onto the property. You tore off my lap, chasing the dog down, backing him off into the trees and away from your doggy crew, who you always protected. You were amazing! If you were inside the cabin while we were on the deck, you'd jump onto a chair, then climb onto the table so you could gaze out the window at me with that displeased look on your face, letting me know you wanted to be outside too! You loved to snooze on the lounge chair, sometimes with the cushion on top of you for extra warmth. Those times were so special. We went to a different lake last year, partly because I just can't imagine being at the same cabin without you there...

-Daddy and I were always amazed at your hearing. I'll never forget how even in the middle of winter when the house would be tightly closed up and you'd be under the covers in bed with us, you'd still hear when someone walked their dog by our house. Instantly, you'd start barking and charge out from under the blankets to race down the steps, loudly declaring your territory all the way! Even as you got older you'd wake up, though you wouldn't bother to do more than lift your head and bark from under the blankets :-)

-Do you remember flying out west with us? You were permitted on the plane in a carrier underneath the seat and were supposed to remain there for the entire flight. As soon as the flight took off, though, you became very anxious, whining loudly and pushing at the top of the cage to try to get out. As soon as we reached altitude I snuck you out of your carrier. Tucking you into my sweatshirt, you immediately quieted down, snuggled into me, where you sat through the entire eight hour flight. The stewardesses never realized you were out of your carrier, even when I walked off of the plane at the end of the flight with you still in my sweater.

-Remember how much you loved the hot weather? Even if it was 100'F. you would sit in the mulch of our gardens and bake! Daddy and I always shook our heads over that. You loved lying on the hammock with me in the warm weather too. You would sit in the window, on top of the ottoman and piled high blankets, soaking up the heat, or when the front door was open, sit on the rug by the door and do the same.

-Remember how, when you got older (and more stubborn :0), after I got home you would run to greet me, doing your wiggly dance, but as I would reach for you, you would dodge away, charging up stairs. You always wanted me to follow and if I didn't, you would come back, wiggle and wait for me to reach for you again, only to charge away once more. And so our dance would continue, until I chased you upstairs, where you'd wiggle your wiggle and happily greet me with love and kisses.

-One only needed to look at your face to know if you were happy, being stubborn and willful, or were annoyed (so like mommy). I'll never forget how you hated getting your picture taken. You would let me take one or so, before turning away with a distinct look of annoyance on your face. But what I'll never forget is what happened several days after your final diagnosis. I was so heartbroken and distraught.... I had asked a photographer friend to come to the house and take some pictures. After all we were being told you would only live another day or so.... I told the friend how you hated getting your picture taken and the session could be a challenge. How wrong I was! I think you KNEW you were dying, knew how devastated I was, because you sat, smiled (I Swear! All you have to do is look at the pictures to see)and perked your ears as picture after picture was taken. Not once did you turn away or fuss. You sat for a photo session that went on for almost an hour! I think that was your gift to me. I cherish those pictures and the memories that go with them. My sweet special girl! Always so Sweet, smart and sensitive to my needs!

-Do you remember how you'd insistently lick my hands, trying to push them over if I wouldn't let you lick at my palms? Eventually, you started licking my feet too! You even liked to lick my face and neck after I exercised. I think you liked the salt.

-Your daddy loves us both so much! Do you remember how when you were diagnosed with cancer you were having seizures and would sometimes loose control of your bladder? I put pee pads all over the bed so you could continue to sleep with us each night. Your daddy slept under those pee pads for four and a half months, just for you. He wanted you with us too, so we could share that time together and be there whenever you might need us. Oftentimes, it seems to me that, although you were so very ill, you knew I was not yet prepared to part from you and so, you stayed longer. What a blessing that time was. What a blessing all of our time together was!

-Do you remember the times that last March and April when on warm days I would carry you around the block? I remember you turning your head up to the sun, enjoying the warmth and watching your nose quiver as you sniffed the fresh spring air. I'm so glad we shared those moments together.

-I'll never forget the time, not too long before you passed, when I was holding you in the kitchen. You needed a lot of care and I rarely left your side. I remember how you suddenly turned to me and rapidly licked my face for a long time. I knew in my heart that you were thanking me for being there for you. It makes me cry every time I think of it.

-Everyone at the vet's office knew you and loved you. Whenever you came in they would happily greet you by name. All of the nurse would stop by to visit you. Even when I was there with one of your brothers or your sister, they would come by to ask about you. Everyone knew how special you were, each commenting on your sweet disposition and tolerance for all of the needles and procedures you had to endure. They all loved you, and with good reason, you were The Best! That last, horribly heartbreaking visit, the nurses and your vet all had tears in their eyes as we said goodbye one final time. My last memory of you, my Sweet Girl, is of looking back through the window as I left, only to see your vet petting you softly.

11/14/13
* A comforting experience just happened to me; I've been sick with the flu since the weekend and feeling pretty down. Last year, during Hurricane Sandy, I had been really ill for over a week, had been so ill that even having my dogs lying with me was uncomfortable. I was exhausted and grumpy and remember pushing Chili away from me and shutting her out of the bedroom. She was diagnosed with liver ca. a little over a month later. I have often thought since then how I wish I had that week back to cuddle with her...... Just writing this makes me cry.....

Well, as I said I've been quite ill once again. Last night was another uncomfortable night, but as I woke up this morning I could have sworn that my sweet girl was lying curled up against my belly in her traditional spot. At first I brushed it off as a dream. Perhaps one of the other dogs had been lying there..... As the morning has gone by, though, I reconsidered this. I've been looking for signs FOR MONTHS that my little girl is here with me. Maybe this was my sign.

I've thought I had other small signs of her, but this was the first time I felt she was "here". THANK you God! She was one of my greatest blessings during her life and remains so now.

I don't often feel like smiling these days, but was able to this morning.

11/16/13
*My Sweet Girl! You visited me today! I am so happy. This morning I went downstairs to make coffee, then took my coffee to the living room to look out the window. As I looked, out of the corner of my eye I see that your digital picture frame is on with your images being displayed. At first I thought that daddy was letting me know he was thinking of you by turning the frame on, so I went up stairs and thanked him. What to I learn? NO! He had not turned it on. I spent the next half hour watching your pictures scroll by...... Shortly after that, your brothers and sister started barking. I went to the front door to see why. Standing there were the Jehovah Witness family who on occasion drop literature at our house. I, unkindly thought "Sh*t!", but opened the door anyway. As always, this couple did not try to "convert" me, they simply left me with literature. As I walked back into the house I took another look at what they had given me, and realized that the title of the pamphlet is "Can the Dead Really Live Again?". I was floored...... Daddy laughed at the timing of the couple's visit and put the literature in the trash. After he left, I took the pamphlet back out. To me this was another sign that you are with me, miss me and love me. I don't care what others think. I know you visited today. :0)

11/30/13
*Hi Sweet Girl. Well, we had our first Thanks Giving since you passed. It was very difficult. I thought of you constantly, trying to remember the happy memories of the holidays with you, but to be honest, I just felt sad. I put flowers on your grave site, with a small turkey treat and lit a candle for you. We decorated the Christmas tree yesterday. I put the two little decorative frames with your pictures in them on the tree, so in some small way you'll be a part of our holiday season.
Sweet, I come to your memorial daily for at least a short visit. Many kind people have visited and left messages to us both in your guest book. They are people who know how much you mean to me because they have also lost their beloved fur babies. My hope is that you are all taking care of each other until we are with you again. I love you, Good Girl. You'll always be my Sweet Funny, never to be replaced.

12/10/13
* Hi my Pretty, Special Girl. . One year ago today you were diagnosed with liver cancer. What a terrible, devastating day. We were told there were no treatment options, that you would only live another day or two. I was heartbroken. You blessed me with another four and a half months, another demonstration of your strength, but more than that, I believe you stayed for me. You knew I needed you. You gave me as much time as you could to prepare for this desolation. I Thank You for that. I wrote this poem for you. I love you.

Missing You

Missing you, my pretty girl, more every day,
Wishing we had more time, that you'd been able to stay
Time seems to pass so slowly, but then it wizzes by
One moment you were with me, the next we're saying goodbye
How is it possible our years together are done?
Wasn't it just yesterday our time had just begun?
Even though you're not here, in my heart you still exist
I visit you in my memories and often reminisce
So, my pretty special girl, you know I'll never forget
Every memory is cherished, of our most perfect duet

12/25/13
* Merry Christmas My Special Girl. I hope your first Christmas at The Bridge was peaceful and joyful. You were missed by everyone today. Although we shared memories and laughed recalling your smart antics, there were also tears of sorrow that you were not with us to make new memories. You were truly one of a kind, unforgettable and irreplaceable. For me, today was about celebrating the birth of Jesus and thanking God for the wondrous gift I was given the day you came into my life. I am so unbelievably sad these days, but also grateful that I was given the chance to experience the loving soul connection we shared. I wrote you this poem in honor of you. I love you Sweet Girl.

A Christmas Poem For Chili:

During this Christmas season, which is both joyful and painful
My mind oftentimes turns to my precious girl, now missing, my own little angel
I look at your framed picture up on the tree, and wish that you were still right beside me
But even though you are no longer here, I like to believe that you're still very near
Keeping a watchful eye upon me, looking down from heaven so lovingly
Protecting me with your strong willful ways, through all of my nights and all of my days
Know I send all my love to you as well, and I am determined only to dwell
On all of the loving memories we share, and my prayer that you're cradled in God' loving care

1/1/14
* Hi Sweet Girl. Happy New Year. I sure wish you were here to celebrate with us. I keep thinking that this is the first year that you won't be a part of at all. It was hard not to cry as 2014 came ringing in knowing that.... I wore my "Chili" necklaces at the neighborhood party, so you were with me in spirit. New Year's Eve, and the days leading up to it were better than they might have been because I spent them looking for a No Kill shelter that would take in a pretty kitty that was put out of his home, was living out in the freezing cold by Shanna's house. It was so cold that I sent Ryan and Shanna to get him, bring him home until I could make arrangements for him. He's doing really well. I found a place that will take him on Saturday. I almost felt like these events were a gift from God (and maybe you?) to keep my mind occupied and off of my sadness at knowing I'm without you for the rest of my life. That still seems unbelievable to me. I Love You Sweet. I miss you every day. I hope your doing well at The Bridge. I wrote this poem for you Sweet Girl. I Love you. Mommy

Last Moments:

Long before your illness came
I felt a fear I couldn't explain
Of loss to something unforeseen
Some ailment that was not routine
Many pictures of you I took last year
Because of this unexplainable fear
But still no affliction seemed to take place
I saw nothing different, not even a trace
I should have heeded my inner voice
Perhaps when it happened, there'd have been a choice
Some treatment that might have offered some help
But there was nothing, I blame myself
All to be done was to watch you die
To offer comfort, to say goodbye
I did my best to be there for you
As each day passed, with all you went through
I tried to stay up our last night together
To share final moments, the bond we treasure
Holding you close, I stroked your soft hair
Thanking God for the time we were given to share
Each moment with you, burned into my mind
Our hearts and our souls, forever entwined
Dawn came too soon, we were forced to part
Loosing you, Sweet, has broken my heart

1/13/14
*Happy Birthday, My Sweet Special Girl. Today is your first Birthday at The Bridge and I am missing you terribly. I do hope, though, that your day has been wondrous, joyful and filled with the love and laughter of your new friends at The Bridge. I'm sure that God is keeping you safe, that the angels are singing to you in sweet harmonies. While you celebrate with all those who now love you as I do (how could they not?), please remember that your earthly family adores you. Our love is being sent up to you not just today, but everyday. You remain an irreplaceable part of our family, forever loved and forever missed. I wrote you a poem for your birthday. I hope you like it. As always, you are my joy and comfort, a blessing beyond compare. Thank You for gracing my life with your presence. I Love You. Mommy

Looking:

My Sweet little angel, I'm looking for you
In each day and each moment, in all that I do
How will I know that you're spirit is near?
Am I looking too hard for a sign to appear?
Could the ache in my heart be blocking the way?
Or should I know in my soul that you're with me each day?

1/29/14
*Hi Sweet Girl. You left for The Bridge nine months ago today. I Love You and miss you so very much. I think of you every day, My Special. I hope you feel my love for you and are waiting for me to arrive. Today at work there were a variety of free chips left in the faculty lounge. Two bags of Smart One popcorn sat there, as if they were from you.... Remember how we shared two bags together on the last day you came with me to work? Then, when I got in my car at the end of the day the song "Daylight" was playing on the radio. That song has always reminded me of our last night together. I like to think you sent both of these things as gifts because you knew how hard the day had been.... I lit a candle for you and wrote in your guest book at your Rainbow Bridge memorial. You will always, always be My Gift from God. Wait for me. I Love You. Mommy

2/16/14
*Hi My Sweet. Chili, I had an experience the other Sunday that has stuck with me: I was upstairs and walked out of my bathroom to see T lying on my bed. I went over to cuddle and kiss him. As I leaned over I smelled you, Chili, so so strongly! I always loved your odor. Daddy would say "Chili needs a bath! She smells like a dog!", but you always smelled so good to me, so like yourself. After you passed, I would look for that odor on your things or on the other dogs, but could never find it. I missed that smell so.... Imagine my surprise when there it was! I instantly started smelling everything in the area (animals and objects alike) looking for that odor, but it was gone. I've thought about that instant in time a lot since then..... I believe you said hello, My Sweet. Hope it happens again :-) Wait for me, Sweet. I Love You! Mommy

3/21/14
*Hi My Beautiful. It's been almost eleven months since you left for Rainbow Bridge. I miss you so very much. I miss your warm soft head. I miss curling up with you and sleeping with my hand wrapped around your belly. I miss the joy and comfort you always brought to me, no matter how hard a day I'd had. I miss the flow of our soul connection. I miss YOU. You are always in my heart. Wait for me, My Sweet. I Love You!

4/17/14
*My Beautiful Girl, a year ago today I took you with me to work for the last time. I remember making you a soft bed on the floor to nap, covering you with blankets and watching you sleep. I remember the bitter sweet love and joy I felt as I watched you, the sorrow of knowing you would soon leave me. Remember sharing two bags of Smart One popcorn (you ate the soft fluffy kernels while I ate the harder shells :-) as you sat on my lap, the loving moments of connection we shared? Those moments were so precious. I think of them often. I bought two bags of Smart One popcorn and will eat them today in your honor. You are loved and missed every day. You are my treasured Gift From God! Wait for me. Love Mommy

4/29/14
*My Sweet, Special girl, you left for The Bridge one year ago today. I still can't believe that I'll never see you again in this life. You are still my Joy and my Comfort, my very special Gift From God! You are Loved Always and Never forgotten. I wrote this poem in honor of you. I Love and miss you so. Wait for me, Chili. Love, Mommy

A Year Passed

It's been a year since you passed
I yearn for your Sweet, Special ways
The laughter you brought me; your warm loving gaze
Days drag on by; nights interminably long
Living life without you will forever seem wrong
Whispered deep in my heart; what makes me truly afraid
Is that over the years your Sweet memory will fade
Even now that distinct smell, remembering your touch
Can be hard to recall, yet I miss them so much
I hope that with time there'll be another connection
One felt deep in the soul; a perfect reflection
Of the love that we share; our spiritual bond
I need that tether to you in this life and beyond

6/23/14
*Hi Sweet Girl. Summer started yesterday and I find myself with tears in my eyes once again as I remember you're love of this season. Each beautiful day since the weather has become warmer reminds me of you. I picture you running through the grass, basking in the warm sun and barking at the dog next door after charging across the yard to reach the fence as soon as you knew she was outside. I visit your grave under your maple tree all of the time. It's rare that I don't well up as I pray to God to watch over you, keep you safe and happy, to let you know how I Love You, think of you and miss you so. I prayer that you'll wait for me and that when my time comes to leave this world, you'll be there to greet me so that we can spend eternity together. Thank you for all of the blessings you brought to me. Love your Mommy

10/11/14
*Hi Beautiful Girl. Fall is here now. It's hard for me to believe another season has passed without you. I think of you every day, sometimes with a smile and sometimes with tears, but always with Love. I want you to know that I pray for you often, asking God to take extra special care of you, to protect you and help you find happiness, comfort and contentment with friends and family while you wait for me. I ask him to let you know that I miss you and Love you so, and that you brought untold joy into my life. I am so very grateful for the years we were given to share! My friend Debbi had a star named in your honor for my birthday, Sweet. What a special gift! Now when I look up into the sky I have yet another reminder of our connection. You are forever in my heart, Chil Chil. Wait for me My Special. Love Mommy

11/17/14
*Hi My Sweet. The holiday season is almost here. I can't believe it will be the second one without you... I thought maybe it wouldn't be as painful, that maybe I'd smile at the happy memories more than cry at your loss, but that doesn't seem to be how things are going. I miss you so very much! What I wouldn't do to have you back! I'm trying to focus on being grateful for our years together. I do know we were given extra time together and many people aren't blessed, as I was, with having such a special relationship as the one we shared. I think of you and pray for you every day. I Love You my little Angel! Please watch over me until we can be together again. Love Mommy.

12/7/14
*Hi My Sweet Girl. Your family is preparing for Christmas at home. I've bought you a Christmas gift (which I'll put on your grave), just like I always do and will hang your picture on our tree when we put it up this week. You are not forgotten. You are remembered with love always and I talk about you often. You are my Special Girl, who owns a part of my heart that will remain yours forever. I pray for your well being and look forward to someday being with you again. I'm so grateful for you! I Love You My Special Girl! Love always, Mommy

12/17/14
*Hi My Beautiful Girl. I bet you know I've been missing you this holiday season. The other day while decorating the house, I mentioned to Daddy how I wish I could find your Santa hat I used to put on you each year. I hadn't seen it in at least 6 or 7 years. Well, wouldn't you know as I'm feeling around in one of my bags of decorations last night I feel something soft, pull it out and there it was! I couldn't believe it! After all those years! It felt like a "Chili hello", or maybe a gift from you to me. It made me smile and cry. Thank you, My Wonderful Girl! I Love you! Mommy

12/25/14
*Merry Christmas My Beautiful Sweet Funny! I sure wish we were together in body as well as spirit today. You know, though, that you are forever in my heart. I hope your holiday at The Bridge is as special as you are, and that you are spending it with God, Jesus, and loved ones. I've written you the poem below. I hope you like it. I will always think of you as one of my most special gifts from God! Be happy, My Sweet, and wait for me. Your loving Mommy

My Most Precious Gift

I've not forgotten about you, my precious little friend,
With each day that passes my heart still breaks, I doubt it will fully mend
But in this Christmas season, my thoughts travel back in time
To the years we shared together, brought about by God's design
I know He brought you to me, when my soul cried to be healed
I discovered the joy and comfort you'd bring, his love for me revealed
Through your eyes I saw unconditional love, gifts of spirit so hard to conceive
And from heartache and a tired soul I was given a needed reprieve
When you left me, my Sweet Special one, called back to be with the Lord
Overtime, a hidden gift was found, His love for me underscored
For I saw how precious you truly were, how you reach out to me still
What a gift your life and love were to me, how my heart had been mended and filled
Now when I least expect it, your felt in surprising ways
Sometimes in sights, at times in smells, now and then in another's gaze
Now when I'm missing you most, and wish for your soft gentle touch
I'm reminded we'll be together again, a final gift that means so much

1/13/15
*Happy Birthday My Sweet Special Girl! This is your second birthday at The Bridge. I hope it is a joyous one. I envision you enjoying special treats (maybe beef jerky?) with friends and loved ones, while sitting in the warm sun as God and Jesus look on and the angels sing for you. After your yummy treat you get to rip open gifts and pull out new stuffed animals like you used to love to do. Then you and your friends play "chase me", with you tearing about so fast they can never catch you! Finally, you get to take a long nap basking in the heat of the sun and snuggled up with those you love. Ali just came up to me and is sitting on my lap as I write this, just like you used to do. I'll never forget the many special times you crawled into my shirt and laid against my chest cuddled with me the way she is right now. Maybe this is your "Hi mom, love you!" to me. I Love you too, Sweet. You are my Beautiful, Special, Gift from God. My irreplaceable Blessing. Mommy wishes you much happiness today and every day. Wait for me, My Sweet. Love Always, Mommy

3/4/15
*Hello my Beautiful Girl. Spring is coming. I know how you love the warmer weather. I've changed your memorial a bit early in remembrance of how you loved sunning yourself as soon as the temperature allowed it. The 2nd anniversary of your passing is coming up. It's hard to believe it's been that long, while at the same time it feels like forever since we've been together. How I miss you! I feel like you've visited me, though. I could have sworn I heard your nails on the wood floor the other day. It made me smile and cry when I looked around and your brothers and sister were all with me, while the sound of you was behind me. Ruth mailed me your "prayer flags". I felt they were a gift from both you and her since they survived a year outside in all weather and still look brand new. I'm looking for a special spot to hang them in your memory at home. Best of all was my experience the other week were I felt a "rush" of joy and instantly felt that this was the joy one knows upon passing and the entrance into the afterlife. I like to believe you sent me that knowledge. I LOVE You so, Sweet! I kiss you a kiss and wove you a wove! You are my Sweet Guardian Angel. Wait for me, my Beautiful Gift From God! Love Always, Mommy

4/29/15
*Hi Sweet Funny. It's hard to believe, but today is the second anniversary of your trip to Rainbow Bridge. Some days it seems like just yesterday since you left, but most days it seems like forever since we've been together. I sure miss your warm cuddles and soft kisses... I guess you know that Grandpop passed last week and I'm hoping that you've found each other already. No one knows better than me how special you are, the comfort and joy you bring. Please, Sweet, take care of Grandpop for me and give him some of the love I always received from you. He's had a very hard time and needs your Sweet, Special ways. I hope you know, Chil Chil, that I think about you every day and often tell God how grateful I am that he gave us to each other. You've meant so much to me! Even now, I find myself learning about the Gifts God has given me simply by seeing all you brought to me in your short twelve years of life. For such a small little girl, you sure held tremendous love, strength and purpose! I will be forever grateful. Enjoy those beautiful, Heavenly days with your friends and family. Take care of Grandpop and remember to wait for me. I wove you, I wove you, I wove you! Forever your Mommy

10/13/15
~Hi, My Beautiful Girl. As you know, I think of you and pray for you every day. I think of you as my little guardian angel and believe you are looking out for me. I believe God is looking out for you. Your too special for you to be anything less than a Gift from God, meant to do the Important work of helping your mommy through very difficult times. I thank you for all you've done for me and all the joy you brought to my life. I've changed your memorial to reflect the fall and will continue to write in your guest book. I will forever love you and miss you. Your Loving Mommy

12/4/15
~Hi My Sweet Girl. Another holiday season is here and as always, I am thinking of you and missing you. Daddy found the picture of you we used years ago on the label of our homemade Irish Cream, which made me smile. Was that your gift to me this year? I'll never forget finding your Santa hat last year after it was missing for so very long. It seems like something of yours is always found around Christmas. I think they're all gifts from God and you telling us your still with us. I Love You and miss you so! Your pictures are on the tree and we talk about you and your Sweet, smart ways regularly. You will NEVER be forgotten! Please stay close to God and our Loved ones who have passed. Watch over them the way you always did for me. Please visit if you can and WAIT for me, Sweet! I think of you as my Guardian Angel now.... You are Mommy's Wonderful, Special Girl! I Love You! Mommy

1/11/16
~Hello, my most Special Girl. I am looking at pictures of you on the computer, as I change your memorial from Christmas to reflect your birthday. You would be 15 years old in 2 days if you were still with me. How I wish we were celebrating together.... I Love You, Beautiful Girl! Have a joyous day in Heaven on Wednesday. I will write in your guest book on your special day. Until then, remember that you have a special place in my heart that is yours alone. Be happy, My Sweet, and wait for me. Your Loving Mommy

4/29/16
~Hi My Sweet, Beautiful Girl. Today is the third anniversary of your trip to Rainbow Bridge. Now that time has passed, I'm able to think about not just the events of that horrid day, but all you mean to me, the wonderful memories and the very special love we shared. I believe you are in Heaven with God, Jesus and the Angels living happily. I like to believe you are my special Guardian Angel. Although I have your brothers and sister, as well as other joys such as our wonderful human family and my horse back riding, nothing has ever filled that void left behind after you moved on.... I've not been able to find anything that fills me the way simply being with you, holding you, even just watching you did. The energy that used to pass between us passed away with you, I think. Perhaps a relationship like we shared is a once in a lifetime, and if so, I'm so grateful for it, for you. I need you and Love you so! You are forever Loved and forever missed, my Special Gift from God. Please wait for me, My Sweet. Your Loving Mommy

10/25/16
~HI My Beautiful Girl. I just changed your memorial page to fall. I can't believe another fall is here, but your not..... You know, though, that your always in my heart. I hope your doing well, enjoying the beauty and piece of Heaven. I was thinking about you the other day and even though I always call you my Gift from God, it came to me that God was walking with me by bringing you into my life, just when I needed you so. You truly had important work to do here on Earth, and you did it so Well! I'm very grateful! Thank you. I Love You, Sweet. Visit, if you can, and wait for me. Your Loving Mommy

12/20/16
~Merry Christmas, My Sweet. I'm thinking of you, as I always do, and remembering our special times together. I remember your excitement when we would decorate our Christmas tree and put the presents under the tree. Watching you rip open the paper to your gifts always brought me such joy. What a special, smart, amazing girl! You were MY gift! An irreplaceable gift given to me by God. You will forever be in my heart. Enjoy your holiday in Heaven. Stay close to God, Jesus and all of our loved ones who have passed. I will forever be grateful for you! Wait for me. Your Loving Mommy

4/16/17
~Happy Easter, My Beautiful, Sweet Girl! I hope you are having a special day celebrating with God, Jesus, the Angels and all of our family there in Heaven with you. I put flowers on your grave today in honor of all you mean to me. Spring is here and I've changed your page to reflect that. It was a warm and beautiful day today. Just the kind you loved so. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me.... I'm sure, though, that you have wonderful days in Heaven and are thinking of me, just as I always think if you. I Love You, my Special Gift from God! Visit me if you can and please wait for me! I Love You So! Mommy

11/23/17
~Happy Thanksgiving, My Sweet Girl. I just wanted to remind you that even though we are not together in person, we are together in loving spirit, How I wish I could hold you though! I thank you for your gift (the pamphlet left at my door about life after death on a day when I felt your loss so so keenly). I'm so grateful. The family will be going up to our new lake house in Maine in a few hours. I wish I could share it with you in person, but I believe you'll be with us in spirit. Be happy My Sweet, wait for me and I Love you! Mommy

2/14/18
~Happy Valentine's Day My Sweet. I've been thinking about you and just wanted to remind you once again how much I Love You and what a very special gift from God you've always been. You have had such an important job, sharing your love and life with me. I am so so grateful. Be at peace. Stay at God's side and wait for me My Special Girl. I Love You So! Your devoted Mommy

12/19/19
~Merry Christmas, My Special, Special Girl! Just wanted you to know how much I Love You. I wish you were here with me in body, but know you are with me in my heart. Stay with God, Jesus and our loved ones who have already passed. Be sure to wait for me. I can't wait to hug you and hold you again. Your loving Mommy

3/26/19
~Hi My Sweet Girl! I've thought of you so much lately. There have been a bunch of things lately that have made me smile recalling your sweet, adorable ways and your feisty personality! It's hard to believe that next month it will be six years since you went to Rainbow Bridge. I remember our time together with such warmth. I like to believe that all of these reminders of you are just your way of saying hello. Keep it up. I miss you! Know that you are forever Loved and Missed. Wait for me! Your Loving Mommy

11/27/19
~Happy Thanksgiving My Sweet, Special Girl! We are once again at the holiday season and you are on my mind. It's hard to believe the last holiday season we had together was seven years ago.... We had our big family Thanksgiving party at the house last Sunday. We will be going to Maine for the actual holiday. I wish I could share our beautiful home with you. I hope that you are able to be with us in spirit up there, since no holiday is complete without you. As we give The Critts bits of turkey tomorrow know that I will be remembering sharing the turkey with you. I miss our cuddle time. I miss your smart, funny ways. I miss the loving energy and relationship we shared. Have a good and happy Thanksgiving in Heaven with all of our loved ones. Be happy and know that you brought so, so much to my life and I don't know what I would have done without you. I Love You, Sweet Girl! Visit if you can and wait for me! Your Loving Mommy

4/29/20
~My Sweet Special Girl, I can't believe it but you passed away seven years ago today... I miss you... I was just reading over some of the memories I wrote down about you. They made me both smile and cry. You're so, so special to me, even after all of the years since you've died. I hope life is good for you in Heaven. I hope you are with all of our loved ones. I hope you think of me often. I know I do you. I Love You Sweet Girl. Be happy, visit if you can and wait for me. Your Loving Mommy

12/16/21
~Hi My Special Girl. I just wanted to wish you the happiest of holidays and to let you know you are on my mind. It's been 9 years since we spent Christmas together, which just blows me away! I will forever remember your love of the holiday and our special times with you smelling the presents for your gifts and opening them with your mouth. You were so adorable and lovable! You will forever be in my heart. I miss you so, My Sweet Chill Chill.... Stay well and happy. Wait for me and know I will Love you forever! Your Loving Mommy