Cesa, my Princessa, my princess, my multicolored, sleek, hound dog of....14, 15, many years, died yesterday. Just the day before, she was fine, playing in the backyard in the evening.....and by the morning, she was suffering. She left us June 11th, around 9 in morning. I don't know what happened, and I will never know, all I know is that I can't get the noise out of my head...her crying. She was panting, breathing very hard, her thin body heaving, and she stared straight forward, looking off at nothing. I tried to get her attention....I hope she heard me when I said goodbye. Ma carried her out to car because I couldn't....I could barely look at her. Ma left with her to take her to the animal clinic down the way.....and I cried. I cried, hugged my cat, and cried more. Ma came back, and I left. I went to breakfast with my grandma and aunt in law like I had planned too that morning, and the suddenness of it all hadn't really sunk in, and I was okay. I made it through. I came home, and I went back to sleep. I do that, sleep....when I'm sad. It helps...you get away for a little bit....

Cesa was the best dog anyone could ever have. 15, and she still acted like a puppy. She 'wiggled' to get in and outside, she shook hands, she didn't jump up on you, she didn't lick, she never barked unless she was alerting us something.....She was amazing. I can't put into words how she was, and I feel bad that I can't. I didn't deserve her, I didn't take her on enough walks, I didn't pet her enough. I didn't love her enough, and god I wish I had now. I'd do anything to take her on just one more walk.....

I can't walk into the kitchen, because all I can see is her dog house through the window, and the playroom where she stayed when she was inside, on her pillow. I have been trying to be strong, almost uncaringly so, because I can't let myself feel this. It hurts too much. Ma has cried more than me, and I can't cry infront of her, I have to help her not cry. But now, alone, tired, at 8:02 AM after being up all night, I can't stop crying. I have been crying for hours, to the point where my face is raw and red, and my upper lip is stinging like mad. I wish I could sleep right now, forget how sad I am for a good many hours, but I can't. I can't stop crying long enough to do anything. I can't care enough right now.

I wish.....I knew what happened to her. I know she was old, and she had been having pains from arthritis and old bones, but she was okay overall. Better than okay, she was great, happy, playful.....and then gone in a blink. That hurts so much. If...only there had been a warning. I hate to say I wish she had gotten sick and we'd known what was coming, I never would have wanted her to suffer, but I just wish I had KNOWN. So I could have said goodbye, a better goodbye, not one with her in the back of the car, heaving and in pain and not able to look at me, not knowing if she even heard me or felt me pet her.....

I want to ask my mother....what happened at the clinic. If she held her. What went on....and what happened to Cesa's collar. She must have it....she has to. Theres no reason she wouldn't have it. And I want it. I want to hold it. I want to make a memorial, something...for Ces. But I can't ask Ma, because I know we'd both break down, and I couldn't stand that. So I'll wait....until this doesn't hurt so much, and ask.

Alright. I'm done. Ces, say Hi to Zazie up there at the Rainbow Bridge for me, and all the other cats too. And Noochie, I'm sure she is glad to see you. I'll see you too, someday. Until, I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't a better owner.....I love you....so much.

Goodbye.