The days preceding Christmas this past year will be etched in my mind forever as I took the routine ride north from NC to NH, with my mom's dog and my beloved Murphy with me. I traveled nowhere without Murphy. I adopted him in 2003 from a horrible shelter in upstate NY and he was the best of the best. I told him from day one that he had to get used to hugs and kisses because I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him. He became my protector, my friend, my confidant, my constant companion and he was everything anyone would ever want or need in a dog. Riding north on this last trip, Murphy laid his head upon my shoulder and leaned into my neck. He was always affectionate with me, never straying too far from me and we were always in sync. This particular day, he was unusally affectionate and quiet, almost like he knew our days were numbered. He leaned in close and licked my cheek. I told him that he was the best and that if I had to travel north, he was the one I always wanted to travel with.

Shortly thereafter we stopped at a rest area so he could stretch, eat and drink and relieve himself .. my mom's dog too. Standing outside, a nearby trucker commented on Murphy. He said it appeared that God's rays of sun were shining down on my dog and turning to look at Murphy, it truly appeared that way. Sun rays of gold enhanced his beautiful coat and I had never seen him stand so beautiful. His golden eyes peered straight through me as if he was preparing to say goodbye and vanish. But he took a long look at me and then I called to him and he came right over for a hug. I told him again how much I loved him. I don't think a day ever went by that I didn't tell him how special he was.

Arriving in NH, we spent the next couple days hanging out with my mom and her dog. On Christmas morning, Murphy came into the bedroom, hopped up on the bed and cuddled as always. We went into the living room and he crawled up into my lap in a small recliner. At 75 lbs it was a tight but comfortable fit. We enjoyed being together and no space was too small. Shortly thereafter he asked to go out and looking back, I should have put him on a leash as we were near a busy road but he was always well behaved and never took off so I never gave it a thought.

Out the door we went, with my mom's dog on a leash. It crossed my mind to hook Murphy then and then in a flash, life changed. Murphy spotted a squirrel about 100 feet away from me and before I could stop him, he was in full pursuit. He didn't see the car until it was too late. I heard him whine and then I witnessed the most horrific scene I have ever. I can't even begin to tell anyone as I won't share the pain and disgust of what I witnessed. When Murphy landed on the other side of the road (if you want to call it that), he cried out to me loudly. I dropped the leash to my mom's dog (his leash was caught on a curb so he wasn't going anywhere.)

To make a long story short, I ran to Murphy and the woman who hit him pulled to the side of the road. She came to me, as I was laying next to Murphy, trying to soothe his discomfort. I didn't know what to do to help my dog. He was bleeding from somewhere I couldn't see. He looked at me and I told him I was with him. I asked the lady for her cell phone and I tried in vain to find someone to help me move him somewhere but I couldn't lift him and no one could help me. Murphy gagged, choking on something, probably blood and within moments, he was gone. I took him to the local emergency vet when a police officer finally showed up to help me lift him into my suv. The lady felt awful for what she had done but I told her it was my fault because I should have had him on a leash (even though I had never needed one before.) I am ridden with guilt over this and I am also ridden with guilt of not knowing what to do to save my baby.

In less than 15 minutes, I lost my best friend. He died with me at his side. A very caring vet tech (that had known me for years) told me that there would have been nothing I could do to save Murphy. He said dogs are tough and they survive in the most unusual situations and if Murphy died, it was because he was hurt bad. Had he survived a ride to the vet, I may have had to make the decision to euthanize him. At the emergency vet clinic, I sat with him for a few minutes but I knew he was gone. His sweet scented Chow fur was no longer sweet. His golden eyes were dark brown and his warm heart and warm body were now growing cold. His spirit was gone. I clipped a piece of his fur to comfort me in times of sorrow but there is nothing that eases the pain. I am wracked with guilt over what I should have done differently and if there was anything at the time of his injury that I should have done differently but I have no answers, only questions that linger and haunt me in my sleep.

Murphy was the best boy ever. He never did anything wrong in his short life with me. My vet tech/friend told me not to concentrate on his death and try to retrain my thoughts of when I visualize Murphy starting to chase the squirrel and then conclude the thought with the first time, at 9 months, when Murphy learned to run. He never had run in his life and didn't know what to do with his legs. But week after week, trying to work with him, he figured it out. He was so happy that he stayed in the field for over an hour, running in every direction. He stumbled sometimes, but he always got back up and kept on running.

He traveled the Eastern seaboard with me, hundreds of miles. He moved with me from home to home, while I rescued other dogs that didn't have a chance. He was with me through a separation, a new job and helping my mom out and even put up with a cantankerous older Cairn terrier who never had been around another dog. Murphy was a perfect hotel dog, with exceptional manners. He guarded me when he was afraid himself. He loved unconditionally, listened endlessly and waited patiently every day for me.

I miss him more than anything. I long to gaze one last time into his golden eyes. I desire to apologize to him for not putting him on a leash that day. The if only's never go away. I cry at the drop of a hat and as I write this, I can't stop the tears. To just hold Murphy one more time, I would give up 10 years of my life. I miss the cuddles in bed, the nose bumps when he wanted something, the stare down prior to jumping on me to play or be held. I miss the excited look on his face when we were going for a ride or a walk or out to chase the rabbits in the field. I miss the first time he found the creek by the hotel and ran its full length, splashing water everywhere. I miss him playing in snow and running as fast as he could and then sliding into me, all excited by the snowflakes and just that we were together, the one place he wanted to be in all the world, with me.

I will be looking for him, that day I cross the Rainbow Bridge. God is very lucky. He has a brilliant wonderful boy with him in Heaven. I told Murphy on the trip north that for whatever he wanted to do in life, he had certainly earned his angel wings with me. So on Christmas Day, God received a very special gift, Murphy. I tell myself that Murphy served his purpose with me and that he was called to do something more important, or maybe he just fulfilled what I needed and he went onto enjoy his life for himself. Either way, my life is lonely without him. It's the quietness, even though Trot (my mom's dog) is here. He misses Murphy too. Murphy rubbed off on him, but Trot still misses him and playing with him. The house is lonely.

So to Mr. Murphy: Please know I loved you with all my heart. You were the best dog and I hope you found Ebony, Ti, Corey, J-J, and Bruce. I hope to meet you all at the Rainbow Bridge when I cross over. I know I will be looking for all of you. I hope you find Jane and Judy, Vicki and Tom and Gram too. Mom may be there in the not too distant future and I hope you all greet her when she crosses over. I know she will be looking for all of you. But she'll be looking for Mac, so if you can, go find him and play. You deserve the gift of Heaven and you certainly earned your angel wings. God loved you and so did I. But He gave you to me and you were the best gift. Be good and play and I will see you again some day.

And just so you know, I am not over you but a friend said they needed a home for their dog so I am going to bring Peppers to come live here. If you can, bless him with your presence and let him know that I will take good care of him. Trot seemed to like him and Trot will be inspirational in getting Peppers to not be so lonely when he leaves his family in a couple weeks. If Trot can work with Peppers like you worked with Trot, life should go a little smoother. However, Murphy, you are in my heart forever and no dog can replace you, like you couldn't replace Ebony and Ebony couldn't replace Ti, and Ti could't replace Corey or JJ or Bruce but you are all very special to me. I have remembered every one of you since I was a child and you are all my forever friends. So I am welcoming Peppers into our family. And someday, when he crosses over the Rainbow Bridge, meet him too ok? (Maybe Trot will be there first, so please go easy on him. Remember he is grumpy.)

I miss you and love you Murphy. You will always be my golden boy!