Second log I'm writing today.. First more a poem.. Fact is.. I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. I have another little cat sitting on my lap... All the life in the world. I wish Bailey were here too. I rescued Bailey as a stray when I was in college off the street. He was from a frat house, where the boys graduated and left him behind. It broke my heart, and there our life together began. He had an unidentified obstruction in his intestines, dehydration, and pneumonia. They didn't think he'd live. Hospitalized for a week, it was a miracle. Bailey was well traveled. from college, we moved for a summer in cape may, NJ. Bailey loved our little place, right across from the ocean. He would sit in the window listening to the waves, and watching the gulls. Sitting int he window landed mommy in a wee bit of trouble.. you see... I snuck him in.... oops... To grandma's house Bailey traveled for the final two weeks of summer. BOy did he eat well! He didn't want to come home!!! Home we went, where Bailey would spend most of his shortened life.... Bailey saw a lot. My other cat, Benny came and left taken by a congenital heart disorder... Benny too shares a spot at Rainbow's Bridge... God it's been hard. Jobs come and go, people come and go.... but Bailey... always at my side. He even underwent a blockage. They didn't think he'd survive! He was blocked, and his blood turning toxic. What a trooper he was! Nothing another hospitalization couldn't fix... He underwent a PU surgery... one of the most invasive. Such a strong boy! I always wondered when he'd lay golden eggs.. as he was a rather expensive friend!!! No price was too large... You can't put a price on a friend, so that was more a meaningless joke..... In March 2009, I brought Bailey for an emergency visit for a knob on his head. They thought it was a hematoma. Again... to the operating room my poor boy...... To be safe, we did a biopsy.... THe call came that following monday.. I never could've been prepared for I had no idea the vet suspected..... Lymphoma Sarcoma...cancer.... Hasn't he been through enough god I ask???? Haven't I??? Haven't we??? A tough recovery... drains in his head.... not good. April we go to the oncologist. Still I have hope... It is pretty far spread already though.... Chemo would buy me maybe six months... wow.... a miserable six months. Idecided to do prednisone a holistic raw protein diet, and allow Bailey no further treatment and the comfort of home. It's been a rough three months since I got the call. Bailey never stopped fighting.... until today that is. Bouts of diahreah and vomitting, that miraculously healed!!! a growing tumor, that sometimes would shrink back down!!! He LOVED his diet..protein his favorite!! and mommy cooking for him??? even better!!! The bad days over this week outweighed the good. Bailey's tumor significantly grew on his head shutting his right eye.... He started walking aimlessly unable to get comfortable , unless he was laying on me like a baby... Today... his eye oozed. He did not eat. He sat in his food and didn't care. He was not himself. WE had three bad days prior... but each time, he miraculously healed!!! not this time. I saw that he gave up, and I could no longer be selfish. I promised him three months ago I wouldn't. So... I called my vet... god they've been great! and they said a half hour... a half hour??? that's it???!! No...... my god.. I wrapped Bailey in his blanket and held him until it was time to go. My mom drove, and my tear drops wet his little head. He smelled so clean..... his paws so soft.... it's really not fair!!! I can't believe this was it. I'm having a private cremation.... saved a tuft of his beautiful orange long furr.... and they're making an imprint of his paw. I already bought a shadow box to place this all in.... I know he's with his family. He's with Benny and Casey.... but I question.... how was I soo strong to get through those times? I 'm just not... maybe I am.. maybe I will be... but god this hurts so bad. I just fed my other cat Seven. Weird..... not doing my hand feedings....just feeding one so simply... no medications... it hurts. God grant Bailey peace and serenity.... He deserves it. He was a trooper even today. I'm worse than he ever showed... He truly was the strongest boy. I believed in him. He had all odds against him, and a mommy that wouldn't give up. Bailey was sent to me for a reason. I think most people would've given up during his first obstacle against the odds.... unfortunately, we are given no odds with cancer. IF we were I have no doubt my little fighter would've survived again. I know his pain is gone. Now I bear the pain of his loss. All the pain he never showed. I wish I had some of his strength! He will never be forgotten, and I can't wait to see him again in glory. His tumor will be gone, his right eye will see, he'll show no memory of his pain..... just his endurance and strength...and I will never leave his side ever again. I promise.