In life, there are many unknowns and uncertainties- but if there is one thing that is for certain, it is that every being on this earth, human or animal, will pass on some day. The thing about death is that we know it will happen some day, but no one ever truly sees it coming or is prepared for when it does happen.

With Azraël, I adopted him knowing that some day, I would have to say goodbye to him. But still, I didn’t expect his death to come when it did. Death is never easy to accept, but it’s especially hard when it’s sudden and they’re young. With life, we have an expectation that beings will live out a certain lifespan- so when it’s cut short, we can feel cheated in a way, and angry with the universe- why did you take my loved one from me so soon? They had so much more to do, so much more to experience. We were supposed to have so much more time together, so much time time to love each other.

I’ve lost pets before, but never so suddenly as this. I miss all my pets to this day, but Azraël’s passing feels especially cruel, a reminder of how unfair life can be. Azraël’s was such a pure soul and I thought because he had been through so much before we adopted him, surely the universe would allow him to live a long, happy life- but he ended up leaving before his time. He was had a rough start with being abandoned by his previous family, was young, supposedly healthy, and I wasn’t with him with when he passed. Most of us hope to be with our loved ones when they pass, so not having the chance to say goodbye one last time is heart-wrenching.

Most of us hope to have some kind of closure when someone passes on- but when you don’t have that, you find yourself searching for answers eternally. Our brains try to make sense of the loss without this information, but it ends up making you sick, playing various scenarios over and over in your head. At least that’s how it’s been for me- wondering did my boy suffer? Was it quick? Did he feel like he abandoned him since we weren’t with him?

Pets show us nothing but unconditional love and so when they pass, it’s natural to have some regrets, focus on the what ifs, could haves, should haves- but these things can eat us up inside if we’re not careful. If there’s anything that death and grief have taught me, it’s that we may not ever truly see it coming, but to have these questions comes from a place of love.

Azraël, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be with you when you passed on. I still think of the last time I said goodbye to you- I kissed your little head, told you to be a good boy, and that I’d see you soon- I looked back at you one last time, blew you a kiss, and then closed the door. We had done this other times before and I didn’t think this time would be the last- had I known, I never would have left on that trip. It will forever be one of my biggest regrets but life doesn’t always play out the way we want it to. I will spend the rest of my days trying to forgive myself. I love you forever, my sweet boy.