Dexter, It has taken me almost 4 months to be able to write this with out compleately losing it. Even now it's so hard.I can't ever accurately describe how much I love and miss you. The nearly eight years we had was still way too short,I'm not sure a hundred years would have been long enough. I hope I made the right decision in the end to put you to sleep,it was the first time I have had to do that and it is a heart breaking choice. I hope you know I was trying to do the best for you. I can't believe how you were perfectly normal I thought,until I saw the swollen glands.I was scared to take you to the vet but prayed it was just an infection.My heart dropped and I lost it when I heard the word cancer.I couldn't believe it when they said it could be as little as two weeks. How could I possibly say goodbye to you or decide when the time was right?I hope they were wrong and you had longer. Sadly it was evident pretty quick that you were trying to fight but quickly losing. It killed me to see you not wanting to eat even hamburgers.We all know how much you liked to eat.The night before I made the very hard choice to put you to sleep I just layed in bed watching on the end of the bed sleeping yet breathing like you just ran a mile.I burst into tears knowing you weren't going to win this fight. The thing that really pushed me to do it before a weekend when no vets were opened was when I let you out and you gave me this look when you came back in. I thought you looked sad and tired and were telling me I had to help you go away from the pain.So the day before what should have been you eighth birthday you finally got peace at least I hope. I hope you know I love you so much and never gave up on you.No matter what problems you had behaving it was worth dealing with to be privledged enough to live with you. I won't ever forget you,not a day goes by where I don't think of you. I want you to be happy and know I will be okay. It's hard though.I slept with your collar wrapped in my hand for the first few nights and carried a picture of you everywhere I went. The first time I walked the other boys without you I only went a block before I started crying,it just wasn't the same without you. I haven't been able to get an urn yet,I lookeD but it was to hard to do it. Everyone here misses you and was very emotional those first few days,they were more upset then I expeted.It was bad for them but they couldn't possibly understand how bad it was for me. Letting the other dogs out and wishing it was all a dream and I would hear you gallumping up the steps,going to bed without the 100 pound snoring chocolate heater by me,going to give the dogs tretas and accidently still getting four then realizing your gone.That made me break down a few times. It doesn't matter that I still have your brothers,without you it is too quiet and there is a empty spot that can't be filled. Poor Gus really missed you when I came back without you. He sat outside and howled.It was sad listening to him cry and not being able to help him understand what happened. Without you they no longer howl at the noon whistle on Saturdays,not once without you. I got old pictures developed and there you were. Some of you sleeping with Emmy under your paws when she was a kitten and some from when you were still so baby looking. I love seeing your pictures and try to remember the good times.It is hard to get over the bad stuff in the end and to get past feeling guilty. Well Dexter,Just remember no matter what I love you now and forever,I can't ever forget you,you are irreplaceable.You will always stay in my heart and mind as the goofy bread stealing,cat loving mommas boy you were. I love you and so do your brothers and Emmy. I hope you are happy and that you met everyone of our furbabies already there,so you can be a family toegether till I see you again. I LOVE YOU