I sit here broken and sad, a gnawing emptiness inside me that just won't go away. One week ago I had to have my beloved Pepper put to sleep. She became sick around the holidays,she was losing weight,lost her appetite and had diahrea.I took her to the vet and he thought she might have had an intestinal infection,she was given a weak antibiotic and flagyl. I was relieved when she did start eating again and acting more like herself.However,I did not know what was to come. She continued to lose weight while eating more frequently.I thought because she was acting OK,eating and drinking that I had a little time to get up the money to bring her to the vet again.I was wrong.By the time I was able to get her back to see the vet she was very sick.She went to acting fine on a Wed. to being critical on Fri. morning. The vet at a different hospital suspected tick disease, the parasite had caused her immune system to turn against her and her organs to not function properly. The vet said she could try to save her but in her experience thought her chances were not good.I was in a daze,a nightmare,I couldn't think straight.I made the decision to let her go. Now I am tormented by the shoulda,coulda,woulda's....the if only's,and the pain of my dear baby being gone. I got Pepper from a shelter about 5 years ago. She was a good puppy and we bonded instantly. She would walk by my side without a leash from day one,never tried to run.She was a pointer/heeler mix with the most beautiful markings.People had to stop and pet her and ask about her.She was my baby.We moved across the country twice,she was great on our voyages. She has been to dog parks in several different states.One day,while in the car with me running errands, she reached to my hand with her paw and scratched at it,I turned my palm over and grabbed her paw.There we were driving down the road holding hands,she gazed at me with a smile.I thought it must be a mistake and let go, she reached again for my hand and there our ritual was born.Driving down the road holding hands. We had our own language,I spoke to her in the silliest of voices with some of the most ridiculous and incorrect grammer," are the hungries" for when it was time to eat.We moved in our own special rythm,I would lie a certain way,stretch out my blanket just so,in our signal for her to join me for a snuggle.It wasn't long before she would roll on her back so "mommy could rub the bellies"her tail would wag and I would talk to her,sometimes about my day,but mostly over and over again I would tell her how much I loved her, what a good girl she was and that "you an me are bestest friends". I have cried a river of tears this past week.I feel like I let my best friend down.The pain is deeper and more intense than any I have ever known. She gave me love that nothing on earth could ever give me.I am relieved to have found the Rainbow Bridge,I MUST be with my Pepper again.I know I have to go on and in time I know I will take the risk to love another dog again,when the time is right I'll find a sister for her.Untill then,I just don't know...I love you Pepper-you an me,you an me pepper,we are bestest friends.