Memories of Bristol
by Debroah D
This is very hard to write, because I only lost him less than two days ago. He was just my guy. My friend. My sweetheart. I loved him more than I can say, and I am devastated over the loss. I will try to write more later, to honor my little guy.

Missing you so much, Bristol. Normally, I would be gathering you up to go and visit family and your dog family friends, Stella, Mercedes, Molly, JJ, and Gypsy for a fun Father's Day. Out of the entire dog pack, you were the only guy. You didn't mind, though, did you? I love you little boy.

Just missing you so much today. I love you so much, my Bristol boo.

Sitting on the deck, thinking about you,sweet Bristol. I brought your ashes home yesterday and had a sense of peace, knowing you were back with me. You, but in a different energy. I keep thinking of your little, furry paw, and how I used to rub it when I was reading or otherwise relaxing. Those little remembrances are what break my heart the most. I miss you, sweet boy.

Sweet Bristol, I stopped by to see your vet and favorite vet technician, Amber, today. I took them each a beautiful charm from you, in thanks for all of the amazing care, love and devotion over the years. They made the hardest day of our lives as peaceful as it could be. They loved you so much, too. Called you their little 'nugget,' and said that you were an incredibly special little guy. I love you, sweet boy. Hugs and kisses. Stella says 'woof.'

Hi, sweet boy! Thinking of you tonight. Missing your sweet face and loving ways. It was so hot today... you would have enjoyed it for a bit, before wanting to come in and cuddle with me on the couch, in the cool A/C. It's so strange. I know that you are gone, but sometimes the reality of that just takes my breath away. Can't really grasp that I won't see you again - at least not in the way I used to. Your blankets are still on the bed, and Stella snuggles into them every night. In her own way, I believe that she misses you, too. If there is a place where dogs go when they die, and that place is beautiful, peaceful, and you are pain-free, then I hope with all my heart and soul that you are there. Please visit me in my dreams, Bristol. Mommy really wants to see you. I love you, Bristol. I'm leaving you a recliner so you can snuggle in...

Bristol boy, I had a dream about you the other night. You were traversing the side of a hill, and I was behind you, trying to keep up. You were so healthy, moving so quickly. During the dream, I got very upset with myself, wondering why I had made the decision to have you put to sleep. You were so healthy in the dream and I couldn't understand why I had done it... but when I woke up, I remembered: you were so tired and sick and unhappy in your final days. But I still feel so guilty over the choice. I love you, sweet boy. Please know that I just could not watch you suffer along any longer. And that it was out of love for you. I'll always love you, my sweet boy. You were my everything.

Beautiful boy, I picked up your memorial stone yesterday. It is so beautiful, and just a bit whimsical, like your sweet spirit. It was so sad, but Todd and Ace were with me. We talked and laughed about you... remembered your sweetness. I put the stone in the garden where every time I am out there, I can see it... and think of the times you were in the garden sniffing around. Being a lovely, happy, and healthy dog. Losing you has reminded me, yet again, just how short life is. We really do have to live it to the best potential that we can... knowing that we all have different choices. What I do know is that in spite of my pain in losing you, I would not change one thing about deciding to adopt you. You were my absolute joy for so many years, and it was my greatest success, taking care of you. Thank you for taking care of me, too. I love you, Bristol. If there is a lovely home for dogs after they die, I hope with all that is in me that you are there. I love you, baby boy.

Bristol, thinking of you tonight. I can't believe it has been nearly a month since I lost you. I think of you so much - every day. Several times a day. I saw a video tonight of a pack of Shih Tzu puppies, a few of them black and white, like you, and it made me smile to think of you at that age. A puppy. Healthy. Time goes so quickly, it seems. At least it seems that way when there is a loss to remind you. I love you, sweetie.

Hi, sweet boy! Well, your mom did it. She put her focus back on her passion. Losing you reminded me how short time really is. Thank you, baby boy! I love you with all my heart. And I miss you so much. If I could turn back time, and give everything that I possess, I would do it in a heartbeat, if it meant having you back. I look at your puppy picture, and I still can't believe that you are ho longer with me. I love you so much. Sweet boo.You were my everything... Love, Mom

Thinking of you today, sweet boy. It just wasn't the same, your not being here for my birthday this past weekend. I had a nice time -- talked about you a lot with friends. I've been very sad about so many things. You, especially. Sometimes I just feel that if you were back with me that it would somehow be okay. I love you so much. And you know that I love Stella, too. But it is different. You were my heart-dog. I will never forget you. I love you so much. Love, Mom

Hi, sweet boy! I had the sweetest dream about you the other night. I was holding you in my arms, and you gave me a sweet kiss... right in my eye! Poor boy, your eyesight was never the best, but that never stopped you from delivering sweet, sloppy kisses wherever your tongue might land on my face! I woke up with a smile on my face, and a warmth in my heart. I love you. I miss you so much. Still, every day, I think of you. Sometimes my chest just lurches when I think that I won't see you again. I love you sweetie. You were my world. Love, Mom

Hi, sweetie! It's raining here today. Stella is scared of the rain. I keep reminding her that her big brother, Bristol, wasn't scared. And to borrow from his bravery. Remember how you used to bark at the hail against the windows? Never one to back down. You could probably cruise through a hurricane, as long as you knew that I was there to protect you. And I always was. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you healthy again. You know that I tried everything. I don't think I will ever get over losing you. I really don't. My heart-dog. That's what you were. I will never have that relationship with another dog. It's just not possible. And so here I am, really broken over losing you, and wishing you were here to share this rainy day with. I love you, baby boy. Please know that you will never be forgotten. And that you will forever be loved. xoxo Mommy

Just wanted to say that I love you so much. Just when I think I'm doing better, I see your sweet face in your pictures, and I am broken all over again. My life is simply not the same without you. Love, your loving mom

Hi, baby! Just sitting here thinking about you. You wouldn't believe the flooding and crazy weather in Texas. You were always so brave in storms. You wouldn't have been scared at all (Stella still shakes when it rains). I encourage her to be brave, like her big brother was, but to no avail. I don't remember what I was doing yesterday, but I had to stop because I 'remembered' that you were gone. You would think I would be used to it or somewhat used to it by now. But I'm not. I look at your picture, and wonder how it is that I will never see you again. It still feels like a terrible dream. I would trade everything for the chance to be with you again. Adjusting to your being gone is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am so sorry that I couldn't keep you healthy forever. I did everything that I could. I love you so much. I miss you every moment. Love, your mom

My sweet boy! Just when I think I am doing better, something brings you back to me so fully, and I am heartbroken all over again. Nothing has been okay without you. Everything just seems harder. Less purposeful. I think of you every single day. Please know that I love you with all my heart. I love you. I love you. Mom

My angel. Every time I look at your picture, it breaks my heart. If I could join you wherever you are, I would. In a heartbeat. No questions asked. I would want to be with my sweet boy. I can still remember your paws, ears... your sweet button nose. Life is so unfair that we lose those we love the most. Trying to find a real reason to continue myself. When I had you, I took care of you. Loved you. Held you. Now... ever since you left me... I have felt a bit like I am sleepwalking through life. I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way, and I try not to... I love you, Bristol. Forever, I will love you. xoxoxoxo Mom

Hi Baby! You did come to me in my dreams the night I asked you to! Thank you! You were so sweet. I carried you in my arms. I can still feel every little bend to your sweet body. I love you sweet boy! Just wanted to say that I think of you every day... many, many times a day! I love you. xoxoxoxoxo Mommy

My sweet boy! Mommy just wants to say hello and that I love you so much. Your picture popped up today, and it brought back so many beautiful and funny memories of you. You were getting groomed and your fur was completely out of control. You looked so cute... and brave. I love you. If I could be with you, I would. Everything I have, I would freely give up to see you again. I still lurch in my heart and chest when I realize that I will never see you again. You were my world. It has not been the same since you left me. I love you so much. If that I could turn back time. xoxo Mommy

Thinking of you today, sweet boy. The weather has finally changed, and it's cooler than it's been since probably May. I remember how much you loved the cool weather-especially when you felt well enough to hang your head outside of the window as we rode along. I miss you so much. My life just derailed when I lost you. I try every day to be happy, to experience the little things, not get too upset by life. But it just doesn't seem to work. Do you think Stella would be okay with another mommy? I haven't had her so long that she could not readjust, but I am just not feeling capable right now. It's because I do love and care for her, that I'm thinking this way. Not for one instant would I have ever considered giving you up...even during the tough times. Not sure what the difference is. And I don't think it's fair. But it is my current reality. I know you loved her, too. And you did get to have at least a couple of years where you had a friend with you. Neither of you have known loneliness, and I am so grateful that I was, and have been, able to make sure that was the case. As I think back on it, sweet boy, I don't think you were alone for even one moment of your last two years of life. I hope that helped. Especially when you were not feeling well - beginning at around this time last year. I love you. I miss you every single day. xoxo Your loving mom

My baby boy. You would have been 15 today. I love you so much. I miss you so much. Love, Mommy

Thinking of you so much these past couple of days, Bristol. My sweet boy. I miss you every single day. I think of you all the time. I love you so much. You were my joy. Love, Mommy

Bristol Boy! I love you, sweetheart. It has been fall-like around here the past couple of days, and it makes me think of you. You loved walking in the fall weather, snuggling up to me when you were cold at night... It was about this time last year that you started feeling so badly. I did everything I could to help you feel better those last few months. I still see you here at home with me and Stella. Sometimes she'll lap her water in a certain way, or make a similar sound, and for a moment, I think it's you... breaks my heart all over again when I remember that it's not. I'm struggling with so many decisions right now. To move. Not to move.Change careers. I put all of it on hold to take care of you, and now that you are gone, decisions have to be made. But I'd give everything to have you with me. You were so special. I love you, dear boy. xoxox -Mom

Thinking of you, sweet baby. You were in my dream the other night. You were sitting at the garage door, and a shadow was moving under the door. You were watching it. Protective. As always. I miss you so much. I talked to Deedee about you a lot the other night. Laughed at your sweetness. I told her that I found myself crying over you, and she said that will happen for a long time. She lost Sterling three years ago, and still cries over her. I would give anything to have you back with me. I hope I was a good mommy to you... I tried. You seemed happy. And you were so cared for. I love you, baby. xoxo Mommy

Hi, baby boy... I smiled when I thought of you today. It lasted only a moment, before twangs of loss, but it was a smile, nonetheless. I love you. I love you. I miss you. Love, Mommy

Hi sweetie! Thinking of you on this cold morning. Poor little boy, you would be shivering! I love you. I miss you... especially as the holidays near. It was this time last year when I found out you were not doing very well. I hope you know how hard I tried to keep you healthy, and to make your life as precious and comfortable as possible. I love you, boo. xoxoxoxo Mommmy

Hi, Bristol, my love. Thinking of you and wishing so much that you were here with me, as the holidays come around. I haven't been able to get out the tree or decorations, because they are packed behind all of your toys and bed. Memories. I just can't. Too many memories and I still feel your loss so profoundly. Stella did something the other day, lapping her water, I think, and for a split second, I remember thinking... oh, Bristol's getting some water. It just sounded like you. Reminded me of you. I'd give anything to hold you again, sweetie. I love you. xoxo Mommy

It's Christmas Even, baby boy. Thinking of you so much this past week. I would give anything to have you back with me. Nothing has really felt complete... right... since you left. I feel like I go through the motions, even feel some happiness, and then I remember that I'm not coming home to you, or I see a picture of you, and I just break. Life is not fair. Life is cruel, even. But you were my light. I love you. xoxo Mommy

Hi, Bristol Boo! Thinking of you this cold morning at home. Your picture right next to me. I miss you, sweetie. Every day, I miss you, and think of you. When I go to California, I will take you with me... I could never dream of leaving you behind. I love you. xoxo Mommy

It was such a hard year, last year, losing you. Today, I am reminded of how much I miss you and love you. I would give anything if you were here with me. I love you, sweet boo. xoxo Mommy

Hello sweet boy. I was just thinking about your this morning... like every morning :) and I wanted to say hello. It has been cold here, and you would not like that at all! Do you remember Molly? She went to live with Ace and Todd. She will really thrive there. JJ will miss her, but it's a better arrangement for everyone. Jennifer was not able to take them back, and it's better that they have a stable home. I missed you so much over the holidays. I'd look around and just wish so much that you were there. It wasn't the same without you. Of course, nothing is really the same without you. Mommy loves you. There is not one thing I would not trade to have you back with me. I saw you in Stella's eyes this morning. I love you, baby boy. xoxo Mommy

Hi, baby. Mommy is feeling a bit nervous today about all of the upcoming changes. I came here to see your sweet face and to tell you that I love and miss you more every day. Love, Mommy

Bristol boy... I love you so much, baby. I talked to a friend last night, and she told me that she lost her sweet boy, another Shih Tzu, in November. We talked about how much we loved you both. And missed you both so much. There is one picture of you, in particular, that just breaks my heart. You were looking right at me. You had such love and trust in your eyes. I remember everything about you, Bristol. Your sweet paws and little nose. Given the chance, I would give everything that I have to just have you in my life again. Take the house. The car. Everything. If I had you, we would make our way again. Like we did before. If I could have those years back of caring for you, playing together, walking, cuddling... in an instant, I would trade everything that I have or am. I love you, sweet boy. xoxo Mommy

I just wanted to tell you goodnight, sweet boy. I have been thinking about you so much this weekend. I miss you every single day. Life feels dreadfully cruel sometimes... those times of loss most especially. I love you. xoxo Mommy

Sweet boy! You were in my dreams last night. You were shiny and happy and healthy. Running, even. I was able to pick you up and hold you. And it felt so wonderful when I woke up... as if I had actually been with you. You came when I called you. And put your sweet face against my own. It was so perfect. I was so happy. I love you, Bristol boy. Love you forever... 'til the day I die. xoxo Mommy

Hi sweet boy. Mommy lost you eight months ago today. I can't believe how much time has passed. Every day I think of you. Every day I miss you. Nothing is the same without you. I would give anything to have you back with me. You are my heart dog and you have my entire heart. Love, Mommy

I cried a bucket of tears for you on Wednesday, sweetie. Not sure what happened. I just couldn't handle knowing that I would never see you again. It broke me all over again. I love you, sweet boy. xoxo Mommy

Hi, sweet boy! My cousin, Jennifer, died this week. She loved dogs so much. I just know that if she can, she will find you, and give you hugs from your mommy. You can hang with her. She will keep you safe and loved. Her eyes are super blue, just like mine... and so maybe you can see a bit of me in her. I love you, baby. xoxo Mommy

Just wanted to say g'night, sweet boy. I love you. I miss you. xoxo Mommy

Hi, sweetie! I miss you so much. Still. Every day I miss you. Cody, Deedee's little guy, passed away this past week. I always hoped the two of you could meet. He was playful, just like you... She's hurting, too. We both cried on the phone, thinking of you both. I just wanted to say that I was thinking of you, Bristol boo. I love you so much. I miss you so much. xoxo Mommy

Hi, baby! Thinking of you today. Your picture came up in my 'memory book' today... one of my favorite pictures of you! You were lying on the floor at Ace's first house. On the cool tile. So sweet. Healthy and happy. We used to go over there to watch movies with Ace and Todd... and you hung out and we walked with Gypsy. Such fun times! I miss you, sweetie. I'd give anything and everything to have you back with me. You were, and will forever be, my heart dog. I love you, Mommy

Happy Easter, sweet boy! Got together with Ace and Todd (and mom and dad). Thought and talked about you. Missing you so much. The weather here is your favorite right now... not too cold, not too hot. If you were here, happy and healthy, I would probably be taking you to the park, and then for a ride in the car... and maybe a lick of a vanilla ice cream. I love you, my sweet boy. xoxo Mommy

Just sitting her working on my script, and thinking of you. It's a rain
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Debroah D
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