by Doug Craven
April 14, 2020
To my beloved Sashie,
You died today and my heart is broken, and I feel so empty. I can’t stop crying and I already miss you so much. I know it was the right thing to do because as I looked at you during your last few days, I could read your face. You were telling me that you were tired and that you could sense something was wrong. The spirit had left your eyes and you were just barely hanging on and badly wanted to rest. Your legs would no longer carry you, yet you knew that we would carry you anywhere. You didn’t want to eat yet you knew we would still try to feed you. You slept a lot but often would move closer to us to be near one of us because it comforted you. Finally, you didn’t even want to drink though we made sure you always had water. I don’t know if you were in any pain, but you never yelped as if you were. I could feel your heart beating fast, your breath was labored, and you were trembling. It was then we knew it was time.
I called the doctor and was told to bring you in that afternoon. I knew then that we didn’t have a lot of time together left and I tried very hard to be strong for you and to cherish our final hours together. We spent all day together, cuddling, talking and saying our goodbyes. Daddy was so sad and tried not to let you see him cry, but it was difficult. He spent a great deal of time with you to say his goodbyes and tell you how much he loved you and how much he was going to miss you. The girls also said their heartfelt goodbyes to you, then as much as it pained me to acknowledge, it was time.
We put you in the back seat of the car and I sat with you. I placed you on a pillow and you rested your head in my lap. I noticed during the ride that you were no longer trembling, and your breathing had become normal again. I now believe that you knew where we were going, and you were saying thank you for releasing you from the pain. I spoke softly to you and petted you the whole way there letting you know that it would be ok and that we all loved you very much. When we arrived, I gently carried you in and we were put into an exam room. The doctor came in and we discussed everything while you laid quietly as if you were just resting. You were still very calm but when I looked into your eyes, you had a sadness that you were leaving us. The doctor gave me some additional time and I once again hugged you and spoke softly to you while petting you and saying it would be ok. This was my time to say my goodbyes and to tell you how much love and happiness you brought into our lives.
From the moment daddy first laid eyes on you, then brought you home and I saw you, it was instant love. You rescued us and brought joy into our house which had been missing for some time. From that day until today, the love and happiness could not be measured.
When I had said my goodbyes, it was time to let you go. The doctor came in and gave you something that made you go to sleep. You didn’t feel anything, and I looked into your beautiful eyes as you gazed back at me until your eyes gently closed one last time. I take some comfort in knowing that my face was the last image you saw before falling asleep. I kept my hands on you and as the other medication was administered, kissing your head and petting you as you silently slipped away. My hand was near your belly and I could feel your heartbeat as it slowed until I felt the final beat and then you were gone. I cried uncontrollably because I knew you had started your journey to another place and sadness filled my soul. A part of my heart died with you in that instant and you took it with you. The doctor cried along side of me because he had felt as though he had just lost a very dear and close friend. Dr. Vessel cared for you for six years and grew very attached to you. He loved you dearly as did everyone that met you during your lifetime.
I stayed with you alone in the room for quite a bit longer, I just wasn’t ready to let you go completely. I know now that letting you go was the right thing to do. I couldn’t watch you decline any further or let you suffer in pain. I don’t know that you were actually in pain, but I know you could sense something was very wrong and I think you felt that it was your time and you were slowly letting go on your own.
And so, my beloved, we entrust you to the heavens and know that you will be looked after with the same love that we gave you here on earth. I hope that you find Huni and Katie there and that you are all playing and running in meadows full of flowers. I know that you will always be young, beautiful and healthy with no pain or sadness and that you will look down on us everyday with the same unconditional love until it is our time. When that time comes, I believe we will see each other again and I will embrace you and cry from happiness that we will be together again.
Rest in peace my sweet angel, for you will live in our hearts forever. We will remember all the great memories and times shared and you will always be with us, FOREVER!
With all the love in the universe forever and ever,
Doug and Joe