My Dumbass Dog
by Griefishard

well, technically 'Indy' by your vet contact.

You died when I was 14.

It started to happen in july of 2019.

On dad's birthday, a power outtage you started shaking. Mum thought you were cold. I knew you were convulsing.

We managed to calm you enough to sleep, we called the vet in the morning.

You were fine.

When it happened again, you had turned 5 by then, my parents knew something was wrong.

When you were x-rayed, they found spots in your lungs.

They prescribed some nonsense steroids and you improved, the dots disappeared.

The jokes I made with my friends ‘Yeah! My dogs on steroids!’ everyone would laugh.

It got worse again when you stopped eating.

Second kind of steroid you were fine again. You cried when Lexie barked at you like you always did, howling like a dumbass.

Your older sister wasn’t super fond of people in her space, hell she still isn’t.

The worst part, when you got worse again, I couldn't even touch you.

You touched something that triggered my ocd 2 years ago. I barely was able to even touch you right at the end.

I cried in fear when you tried to cuddle with me. I’m so sorry. I thought I’d eventually overcome it, but you died before I could.

By christmas 2019 you could barely walk.

When you were ok, you’d wait in the front window for me and my sister to get home from school. You were gone before she graduated.

When you were ok, still able to walk, you would pull on the leash. You never learned, 6 years of life and you still thought you could get away with it.

When you were ok, you and Lexie ran to the door wherever we came home.

When i knew it was over was when you stopped doing that, even though we never found out what it was that took you.

It starts small, first, you couldn’t go upstairs, then, you couldn’t even leave Mum and Dad's room.

With my ocd I had to pretend not to care that one of my dogs was deteriorating.

I knew you were gone, indie. I would say i knew it would happen but i really didn’t.

The last time i saw you, before you left us, i was spending the night at my boyfriend’s. First time I've slept anywhere but the couch in our den for the better part of two years.

Mum had bought cookies for me to take over, I distinctly remember that. Kobe Bryant also died that day.

When i came home, proud of myself and holding one of those boxes of cookies, talking with neve, was when you finally gave out.

It must’ve happened in the short time between getting home and seeing my sister.

I thought I was tough. I really did.

I remember my parents eyes, both red rimmed behind their glasses.

I remember dropping my phone as my blood ran cold. I wasn’t able to properly hug you goodbye before you were gone.

You were in your favourite spot, in the garden, with mum. You were too weak to bark to come in so mum had to go out with you.

Mum said you gave out right as I got home.

She said she stroked you and promised you’d be ok as you stuttered.

She believes you were waiting for all of us to be home before you finally let go.

I remember the blanket they put you in.

I remember saying fuck it to my ocd and just hugging you tightly. I cried so hard I popped a blood vessel in my nose and bled all over you. I’m sorry.

I remember you in the boot of the car

I remember the vet coming into the hospital at the same time we did. It was closed that day but he came in for you.

I still remember you on that table, buddy.

I remember when they covered your face.

I didn’t want to leave that room because I knew the next time i would see you, you’d be in a box.

And that’s what happened.

I really hope you crossed the bridge with my mum’s words in mind.

We all loved you so much.

I hope you’re happy out there, I know you loved to run in the garden.

I hope you’re making friends.

I hope you’re strong again

I want you to know, as i’m typing this and brushing away my tears

As Albie, a puppy you made space to be rescued for, barks downstairs

As, my parents miss you

And as my sister is in college,

That you were so special to us.

We will never forget you.
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Griefishard
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